Apr 7, 2018
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Let me explain the background regarding the title.


(And if anyone e (or the Mods) knows a better place this thread should be, let me know. Just don't delete it without letting me know)



(This will get long, so bear with me if you can - no judgement if you don't)



I graduated HS with a 2.7 GPA and an Associate Degree, on the same day. I proceed then to dabble at a community college to see if the water is right for me. This was the time period in which I realized something was truly, with absolute certainty - that something was off with me.


I came to the U.S of A at the age of 9, from somewhere in between East and Southeast Asia. I came here with no English, yet by the second year of being in this country - I qualified for States' level spelling bee, while still in ESL(ELL).


I sky-rocketed in English thanks to my obsession with reading, 7-12 books a week, building from basic to full on novel, my librarians doesn’t even bother to enforce the “3 books/ week limit” on me, I come and take books as my little hand desire. (My proudest day in 6th grade was when I finally finished The Godfather in English – I read that crazy book for the first time at 5 years old in the translation of (a certain Asianic language) )



I went on to qualified for the spelling bee for three years in row before reaching the age limit. And the one thing that I always kept with was that "if only I could focus and study like (names of friends/enemies I competed against often) - then I would have totally made it to national.



But I never could, because while memory can swiftly absorb many words with spellings, when the time come to study like the boys and girls who could somehow, to my younger self at time, have this magical ability to just -Concentrate-



Scattered throughout my few report cards from my elementary through junior high days were comments so often repeated, my mother could predict what they would be. Report cards filled with comments from teachers who would without fail, mentioned many time that I was a "bright" and "smart" student, and "far too energetic in class for her own good" and, "is disruptive of other during class" and, "she needs to stop walking out of class," and, “need to turn in her HW on time” and "if only she could apply herself more".



These comments stopped when I entered HS, where even with a sub-par Jr.High GPA of 2.97, I made it into all AP courseload, because I was a hell of a test takers, and thankfully, my school allows such to be counted for qualification for AP classes. (Basically, I scored in the 98%tile of the State’s aptitude test consistently throughout the years.)



But of course, all is never well.



(If I have a dollar for every time I my mind went off to La La Land, I'd have enough to pay off at least two cycles of MedSchool Loans. If I have a cent for every time I lost my HW, take-home quizzes, notebooks, notes, pencils, pens, my goddamned mind in class because I have the attention of a gnats, I would've been able to bribe several congressmen/women to make free colleges a possibility.)



On the day of my HS graduation, I came by my APWH teacher’s class to have him sign my yearbook and to let him know that I scored a 5 on the AP test – despite having a B- in his class.



What he told me on that day stung, he said “You know, you were the only kid in my class who always over-participate, and the most memorable thing about you that I still remember to this day is how you would always have AP Spanish, Japanese, and whatever out and you’d got through them during class and still answers all my questions and have the most intriguing questions. Having you in class is like watching a snake with four heads but only one pair of arms.” (It’s fitting that he likens me to a snake because I’m a die-hard Slytherin.)



“You know, you could've been the best, if only you'd paid more attention in class.Remember that time when I had you all submitted a self-reflection at the end of the semester? You wrote *he pulled out a stack of papers to my dismay* “yeah..at this point I’m putting my grades up for adoption – because there’s no way I can raise them by myself ” – and that was so funny, I copied your letter and sent it to all the staffs, we had that quote framed now. ”



(*They seriously do, I’m glad to know that’s my HS legacy in the AP department*)



I said thanks, we chatted and laughed, and I excused myself to catch the bus, his comment sticking with me. Because it reminds me of my 7th grade self, where three of my art projects went on the be displayed at the State’s fair, earned me a check of $30 for the honor, and how aggravated my art teacher was because I made a D+ in her class – since I was never organized enough to turn in menial HW. That was also the year I stop doing art. And the following year was when my love for reading vanished.



I walked the graduation stages with the remaining 27 kids who made it through the all AP track, we had 49 at the beginning of freshman yea. Even though I was the only without an Honor cords, because I was the only one with a 2.7 GPA. My comfort for myself that day that had I received the cord, I would’ve hang myself the very night. (Which is funny, because I was sure I was gonna jump off a hidden bridge with a 40ft dead-drop that day too).


But I didn’t, and I still don’t know why I didn’t just off myself that day. I wasn’t sad, I was empty. The pictures that had me on those days will show you an energetic female-formed human with a real smile. But I didn’t die, so I had to keep moving.



I went on to attend a few community colleges class, and that’s when I learned of the word “accommodation”. You see, in H.S – there was no such thing as time and a half, or extended deadlines, or note takers, or reduced courseload. You knew what you signed up for, and if you can’t hack it, you drop out.



But in college, you’d see some smug kids saying they did well on the test, and how they got extra time, or having a note taker for them, for being “depressed” , and having “anxiety” and “have ADHD”. And there were no words to describe how utterly disgusted I am with that.



I remember being in those class as though the world was a kaleidoscope, I remember, just like how it was up until that moment, how easy it was for me to be distracted.



You know how sometime when you try to focus on something and your brain just does the “nyooooooompppphhh” and make it worse?



Well, that was me, but all the damn time since the day of my cursed conception in my mother’s womb. I remember so vividly, that self-loathing feeling I’ve been harboring since 6th grade when I realized how focus every other kid are – and cursing myself for not being able to be them.



Do you know how infuriating it is to sit next to someone who’s so studious and concentrated they make you feel bad about yourself, well, that’s me with everyone. Because everyone was better than me when it comes to sitting down, and doing anything.



I damn near failed my O-chem class because my damn goldfish brain was so panicked at the end of the final exam, that during a hurried clean up at the station as time’s up – I dumped my test result in the garbage because I thought I was garbage. (Thankfully, only 1 point was docked for that mistakes). But despite all my effort, I could only made a C.



Homework were never turned in on time. It was like every time I turned away for one second and the professors were on the next six-pages already. It was high school again, but worse.



And you’re telling me, that there were (in my words – so feel free to quote me), pathetic, spoiled little bitches who got more time because they were so damned “depressed” and “anxious” and “ADHD’ed”. It was the epitome of bull**** for me, and it still is.



I came from a country where my cousins faced an exam that only happens one a year where the result determines your future. It’s so important, traffics are diverted, businesses surrounding the testing site are closed, and the suicide rate spiked. I always count my luck that I was spared of that, perhaps that why I never consider American's school to be hard - it's just isn't when you have a global eye on it.



So, I take testing very seriously. It was all my fault if I couldn’t study, and If push comes to shove – I am not above cheating. eAnd I've cheated before, but at least I don't hide behind and always hold my breath because I know damn well the consequence should I be discovered.


I passed my AP not by studious method, but by hyperventilating the night before the test and forced cramming. I almost never study off of notes, because I could never keep them, and I do study off notes, it's because I paid someone else to make me a copy of theirs.



To me, standardized testing is a pariah to be upheld, and any deviation to the standards, no matter how minor – is a sin. The point of standardized test is to equalize.



In the test, the poor kids who studied his ass off is on the same battlefield as a rich kids who got private tutors but doesn’t put his heart into it. It comes down to a battle of sheer grits, tenacity, and intelligence.

If you can’t focus and spent 20 minutes on your AP English exam making paper cranes out of gum wrap (which I am notorious for,) that’s on you. It doesn’t matter if the kids behind you is a mouth-breather, or if the lights above buzzed too loud – it’s on you and your no. 2HB pencil to take that damn test and prove that despite everything – YOU are good enough to keep on the all AP roads.


So I didn’t realized, I didn’t know, that having a deficit in attention or losing stuffs constantly, or hyperventilating to the point of self-dosing 10mg of melatonin before the AP exams (do you know how weird it is to be super sleepy on the exam? -But that was better than having my heart beating the samba on me),

or self-medicating with stolen whiskeys and 50mg of dyphenhydramines HCL since 6th grade without mother knowing just so I could ****ing sleep and not staying up pass 4am every damn day, or having constant suicidal tendencies and not being to get out of bed at all on any days (lest I absolutely must) – qualified you to being “disabled” and /entitled/ to Accommodations. Imagine my absolute disgust.


Apparently, what my Asian-raised brain thought to be normal, was considered a "disability" to white Americans. Wow.


But the day comes when I woke up in a hotel in the Bahamas for my step-brother’s wedding where the hotel staff had carried me to my room after I passed out from drinking a whole bottle of Jack Daniel and then some,( I think I did cocaine too - sad that I don't remember the experience,) and I realized, with a pounding headache at the time – that it was the best damn sleep I’ve ever had since 6th grade. Sure, I was totally alcohol-poisoned and hungover for three days after that, But That Sleep Was GOOD.



Fast forwards a few months and I’m sitting in front of a DO who told me I have depression and offered me Prozac within one session.



Long story short (ironic at this point, I’m sure), I said no, told him there’s no way I’m depressed because…heck, I’m just not.

So he sent me over to a psychologist, where she and I unearthed all the above.


She gave me a test on the first day, then two more in the following session, then one more in the session after that , and one more to take home for my mom – the only close relative I have who could be trusted enough to take the test. It was the CAA RS™ - Conners' Adult ADHD Rating Scales.

A week after I submitted my mom’s version – I received the diagnosis I already know deep down.


I have ADHD. A severe case of it. (She also confirmed that I have Major Depressive Disorder, a strong case of Bulimia, and possible anxiety problems) (*cue tiny violin*)


I was already out of school for 1 year at this point, and I wasn’t ready to put a bullet through my head until I have the prefix Doctor to my name – at least, that was my reasoning to why haven’t killed myself yet, even though I have a shot gun.


The PsyDoc told me there were “services”, and I shut her down right away. How dare she lumped me with those pieces of bottom feeding ****s.


AND HERE COME THE REASON FOR THE TITLE IF YOU MADE IT THROUGH ALL THAT MESS!!!!!


But that wasn’t enough for me, and I did what I do best, more digging.


So I dug, and dug, and dug – and the more I dig, the more disgusted I become.


You see finding out that there are “accommodation” were bad enough, but to know they’re rampant is absolutely filthy.


I know this topic has been flamed before, But I just can’t let it go.


Yes, I know that less than 1% of MCAT receive accommodation, but the fact tha there is accommodation, beyond what is reasonable (i.e – enlarged font for the low-vision, or written instruction for the hard hearing, or small breaks for the diabetics) is appalling.


The first post I read on this forum dated back to 2005, in this (titled:Rejected for Extended time accomodations...), the OP claims that he has an I.Q of 140, but without “accomodations”, he can’t prove it. Which I immediately calls bull****, because he very will be taking the MCAT with someone who only has an I.Q of 115, without accommodation. So I beg the question, if you’re truly “that smart”, and your I.Q is supposedly “that high”, then the **** would you need accommodation for? BY asking for special treatment, you already prove yourself to not be as capable as someone less of an I.Q than you. If you need time and a half to do what someone with an I.Q of small deviation below can do in One, then are you really smart? But that post is over 13 years old, so I hope that the OP never made it past medical school with that attitude.


But here come another thread with the same b.s, this one is only 2016 -2017, so I suppose it’s recent enough (titled:MCAT accommodations no longer get flagged).


and more many more...

And Mein Gott, that thread was the moment all my respect to the MCAT comes crashing down. To quote Ad2b, “Accommodations are meant to give the students a level playing field, so to speak, not an unfair disadvantage though I can see how jealous students might interpret it this way. Which is sad because it tacitly states that you approve of discriminating against others given there is something different about them.”



But that’s the point. The playing field is NEVER equal. Isn’t that the point of being a doctor, to be at the top of human’s intelligence? No matter what? Giving you more time because your brain is defected in the portion where you can concentrate is not leveling the field, it’s tilting it to your favor. Giving a diabetic person more short, 2-3 minutes break is not comparable to having time a half or extra time. Giving a low-vision person large fonts,or assisted read-out-loud devices is not the same thing as having extra time. Giving a deaf/hard of hearing person written instruction is not the same thing as extra time.


Because time, and in the lack of it, is where your true quality comes from. Frankly, accommodation in a field where decisions are made under a fast-forward clock is just simply insulting.


ADHD isn’t a goddamn disability, it’s a defect, just like cleft palate, or having astigmatism. I sure as hell can never make it as an Air Force pilot, should I lobby the system until they let me? Putting a midget on stilt and saying that it makes that midget as tall as Yao Ming is pure bull****, at the end of the day, you’re still a midget.


Likewise, giving someone with supposed “testing Anxiety” or “prone to panic attacks, or “having ADHD/ADD” more time on any test and considering that test equals to all others who took the test with their own share of problems and hardships is just purely insulting.

What about the single mom wanting to make a career for herself but showed up on the test day exhausted? Or a student whose third languages is English? Or someone whose beloved family members just died and there's no way they can concentrate on the test but they're there anyway? Shouldn't all these people get more time too?

It’s strange isn’t it, if I’ve had the gut to off myself on that graduation day, my eyes wouldn’t be open to this bull****. But yet, not only are my eyes open, I have to accept the fact that I too, I’m a part of those pieces of bottom feeding ****s I so despise.


How long until the DSM-V remove ADHD/ADD as a “disability” or “sickness” like they did to being a homosexual (which I faggotly am). Of course, given the current climate with the “safe-space” and “trigger-warning”, I doubt they would anytime soon.


How long until having Panic attacks and anxiety and depression means that you should probably figure it out and heal yourself and not demand that as an excuse for accommodation and extended deadline?


How long until this great country realized that sugar-coating everything, even though it’s for the best intention, just shouldn’t be done?


If you can’t hack it like everyone else, perhaps consider a different career.


That being said, I have yet to take my first dose of Adderall, it still sits on my night-stand, waiting to be snorted ;]. I made a pack with my own pride that no matter what, 72 hrs before any test, I’m going “sober”. Be it my Ochem which I’m retaking, or Physics, or Abstract Logic. (And yes, that mean the MCAT too. )


After all, can I really call myself just as qualified as you if I show up on the test with a boost? Some of you may say yes, because perhaps it’s fair for me to depend on a drug that gives me something I’ve never had, an attention span. Some of you may not. Some might even ask if I’m willing to sell those extra doses I’m not taking (the answer is yes, btw, just because it’s that much more invigorating to fight against someone with an advantage- just to see if I could beat them).


Because to me, calling yourself qualified yet demanding that special be made for you is just simply ****ed up. The word Doctor is not one to be give out sparingly, and the prestige remains in the grit and tenacity and luck of the draw, and possible intelligence to get there.


For those that think accommodation is fair, especially if you too, is diagnosed with ADHD like me, how do you sleep?


Do you sleep soundly? Justifying to your pathetic ego that you’re somehow equal to other despite getting special treatment?


Or like a baby? Used to getting its own way and being cradled and handled with care?


Your anxiety, depression, ADHD, dyslexia, or LD isn’t an excuse. You know damn well deep down it isn’t.


Or maybe you don’t care, because at this point, you’ve deluded yourself long enough into thinking you deserve everything all along.


At what point is it enough?


What’s next? Your attending have to give you time-and-a-half when you round now? Your patient have to give you time and a half on all your procedures now? Oops, can’t make it to the board meeting because I’m too anxious! Oops, guess that EMT transfer gotta wait, I get time a half to do surgery don’t’cha know? Oops, I'm too depressed to show up for a whipple, guess you'll have to reschedule that!


Don’t bull**** me with the “well, uh, I’m gonna be working in a quiet clinic anywayyy so, like, it’s only fair if my test setting is that way.” (a slight paraphrased quote from your local ad2b, and jonythan)


It's one thing to be physically disabled, a deaf doctor can very much run a practice serving deaf patients. A surgeon with spina bifida will need physical aids to prop her up during surgery. But nonetheless, they don't get extra time for that.


Even if it’s less than 1% that receive accomodation, that’s still too many. The title of Doctor is one to be revered, to be earned through trials and hard works under the toughest and most pressing circumstances. If you can’t even handle a paper test (or electronically administered – whatev) without being accommodate, what makes you think you can handle the world? Sure, maybe it’s a one or twice in a lifetime scenario, but so is the MCAT and any other standardized test, you only take them once, maybe twice, perhaps thrice if you’re really pushing it.


But that test matters, so if you’re coming to it with extra time handed to you, or extra break given to you, or on a supplement drug – how can you prove that you’re truly, actually, unquestionably – THAT good?


Because just like the test, real life test only comes once in a while and never again. Are you gonna pout and demand that it should’ve given you more time? More chances? More accommodation?


Give me an answer, a real one. Not the one where you b.s me with “uhh, but the ADA said I’m like..totally disabled.” Or “well, uh – I’m gonna be in a small clinic anyway..so…yah.. I need more time because..” (soft paraphase from ad2b, jonythan, onepremier - if they're even still on this forum)


If you can’t handle acute stress, once in a life time stress, much like the MCAT, why become a Doctor?


It’s terrible enough that accommodation are overwhelmingly abused by the upper-middle class seeking to cheat their way through. It’s even worse when it seeps through the crack and stained the MCAT/LSAT/USMLE, even if only the most miniscule amount. It’s still a stain.


Time is everything, anyone who's daring enough to take on the MCAT has already proven that they're in the mid-to-high performing test taker, where even an extra five minutes can mean a difference. Much more if it's 50% more time! or even 100% more time!


But it still grinds my gears, you know, like how a Republican's gear is grinded when they hear the word "muslim/islam". Because some where down there, there's a little voice that tells me "**** it, cheat the system - you're already a certified Grade AAA piece of **** anyway you slippery snake."

My Addy is just a pill, it only solves one puzzle piece of the whole pictures. But that shouldn't mean that I should get extra puzzle pieces because everyone else seemingly has one.

If your problem is having the attention of gnats like me, then the pills already patches that, why demand more?

So now what? My faith in the prestigious test that I've always dream about is just...gone.


So yeah, that’s all my grievance. I guess when I’m in that room,72 hrs sober from Adderalls and all the drugs my DO said I need to take, and sitting next to a possible genius with an I.Q 150 and laser sharp focus, I’m gonna have to give it my true, best punch. Because at the end of the day, a midget on stilt is still a midget.
 

timephone

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It sounds like you're still some time away from actually sitting for the MCAT. If you're still in school working on your degree, I'd focus on stopping drinking, and then start attending therapy as well as taking the medications you've been prescribed. Please get help, and don't get angry with people who try to help you. Work on loving yourself. Don't worry about how easy other people have it. You can do amazing things with your life if you believe in yourself (as cheesy as that sounds). And if you're considering hurting yourself, please reach out to somebody in real life who can help. People do care and are willing to listen. You are clearly dealing with a lot of difficult stuff, and even the strongest person would have doubts about themselves.
 
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Forever Geebs

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You really would benefit from seeing a professional. Self-respected, self-worth, and self-love are important. Try your best and refocus your energy on improvement instead of comparing yourself to others, being upset with yourself, and getting angry with the system.

If you’re having this much difficulty now, it will be exponentially worse if you get into med school. Focus on mental health and make that a priority. Otherwise, a lifetime of struggle, hardship, and disappointment awaits.

Best of luck to you.


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Apr 7, 2018
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You really would benefit from seeing a professional. Self-respected, self-worth, and self-love are important. Try your best and refocus your energy on improvement instead of comparing yourself to others, being upset with yourself, and getting angry with the system.

If you’re having this much difficulty now, it will be exponentially worse if you get into med school. Focus on mental health and make that a priority. Otherwise, a lifetime of struggle, hardship, and disappointment awaits.

Best of luck to you.


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You know, you're absolutely right. I have mulled a lot over this before - I mean, I logically figures out your point and I myself arrived at that point too, but still - emotions are weird. Thank you, for your kind words, I'll keep them in mind.
 
Apr 7, 2018
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I guess my point when I vomited all that 3k words mess was because it's been on my chest for so long, and unless someone can rebuttal my annoying voice - it's just not gonna shut up. It's true that I have quarter of a decade left before my MCAT - I might take it earlier just to see how it goes.

But the thing is, they stopped flagging MCAT's bullsh*t accom. like this in 2015, maybe 2016 for some super selective school. But I still can't help but think that it means, statistically speaking in a broad sense, that there's still a chance at least 2000-something medical students out there using this sort of accommodations and more walking around some campus and perhaps maybe even marching along on some hospital floors, thinking, believing that they deserve their spot there - despite the obvious.

And that just...baffle me.

So yeah, I know, I've got enough issue to keep the Kardashian relevant for a while more. And I stop drinking after that shenanigans in the Bahamas - whiskey and tequila officially sets off PTSD response to my gag reflex :) And yes, I do take my Addy, on weekdays - clean on Sat/Sun. No antidepressant, however, given that with my current mentality - SSRI's would just...be a really bad idea. And that was agreed between the PsyD and the D.O.

(I still hell-bent on taking all my exams/quizzes "sober", of course.)

But the thing is, I need to know if I'm the only one who think like this, because if I am, I'm willing to change my mind - provided the reasoning is logical and just.... make sense. Hell, I was a hyper-liberal SJW for fleeting period of time before settling to the comfortable middle.

So, Idk, thoughts?
 

el_duderino

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The answer is that the format of the MCAT; that is, timed multiple-choice questions, doesn't really mimic how a doctor or even a medical student does his or her work. It's very different talking to a patient versus reading a question stem.

The real answer is that you should do you and not worry about what advantages or disadvantages everyone else is getting. You have your own set of built-in advantages and disadvantages, in terms of genetics, upbringing, social situation, support system, etc. Forget about whether this one tiny aspect is fair and just do your best.

edit: also interesting to see that I've achieved some level of internet fame here.
 
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Black Mamba Gene

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you are right in that accommodation during MCAT should not be given and is unfair to everyone else taking the exam.

you won't have any accommodation when diagnosing pts or doing surgeries, so how is it fair for AAMC to give certain people extra time on this "standardized test".
 
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