Marriage?

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Udreamin

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My girlfriend wants to get married, I don't. Not because I don't love her, but because the wedding is going to be incredibly expensive (we have huge families with huge egos) and I don't believe that relationships that last a life-time are realistic in this age (looking at the skyrocketing divorce rates) so creating a legal union around an idea that seems to be culturally outdated is foolish in my opinion. On top of that, the legal incentives I read off google are not really interesting to me. The fact that I would have to pay higher taxes makes is an added stress that I don't want to deal with.

I consider SDN pre-meds and posters to be some of the smarter proactive people in the world so that's why I'm on here to ask for life changing advice. Are there any financial benefits that I'm not aware of? Legal loopholes that married couples can exploit? Do married medical students get any school advantages or something?
 
"Marry in haste, regret at leisure."

Getting into a marriage is a lot easier and cheaper than getting out of one. Even with an expensive wedding, the costs of extracting yourself may far exceed the price of admission. If you have any doubts about whether this is something you want, do not do it. Do not. Absolutely don't let someone pressure you into it, or convince you that it is a good idea, or that you will "come around."

The only reason to marry someone is that you really want to form a legally binding familial relationship with them. No other reason is good enough. Almost every other purpose you could have can be accomplished in some other way. If you and your sweetheart want to have a public celebration of your love, you can host a big picnic and invite people you love to come have a party with you without encumbering yourself with legal obligations.

If you don't want to get married at all, ever, then you should make sure that you are absolutely honest with your girlfriend about that. A total refusal to ever marry might be a deal breaker for her, and she deserves to know your position on the matter so that she isn't strung along, and so that you aren't driven mad by her trying to get you to come around to her way of thinking. It may be helpful to talk with her about what she thinks marriage would mean, what it is about it that she wants, and whether that is something that you could find a way to give one another without having to compromise your own needs and desires.
 
If your primary reasons to get married are pressure from your significant other and the potential to exploit legal loopholes, don't get married. I also agree with @Promethean that if you don't believe in marriage, your girlfriend deserves to know that.
 
To answer your question regarding benefits for married medical students...

I don't know of any, but I can't state this strongly enough: There is NO benefit that could possibly overcome the downsides of getting married if you don't really want to be legally bound to someone until death or divorce do you part.

I am married, and I love my spouse very much, and I do not plan on divorcing him except in the most extraordinary* of circumstances, so this isn't coming from someone who just hates marriage. It is just that I recognize that being married to someone is an incredible commitment that imposes profound obligations and limitations on a person's life, and that these will always outweigh any extrinsic benefit that could be gained. Do not ever think of marriage as a means to an end. The only rational reason to be married is because you want to make that commitment and to take on those obligations, because doing so is an end in itself.

(*...and by most extraordinary, I mean something even more peculiar than our open, same-gender, and currently long-distance relationship is at baseline. His character is of such quality that I cannot begin to imagine anything that he would do which I would find unforgivable or intolerable enough to want to end my partnership with him.)
 
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There are multiple tax incentives, actually, and there are other benefits to consider such as access to your spouse in intensive care or making medical decisions for her if she's unconscious (no boyfriends allowed).

And back to the tax concern, it would only be a big deal for the spouse making significantly less income as it would launch them into a higher bracket. If your wife owned a business, and your future doctor salary was triple the income of her small business, her business gets taxed in your bracket which sucks for someone trying to generate net income.

If you're truly looking for advice on SDN, here it is: don't get married for the wrong reasons--to acquiesce your partner, for instance--because divorce is a hell I wouldn't wish upon anyone. Besides, if it's really about spending the rest of your life together, what's the rush?



Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile
 
Bergamot said:
access to your spouse in intensive care or making medical decisions for her if she's unconscious (no boyfriends allowed).
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ICU's don't actually require proof of legal marriage in order to visit a significant other. Unless her next of kin were actively trying to exclude you, I doubt that would be an issue at all. Even in that case, to ensure the ability to make medical decisions for someone who is incapacitated, living wills and medical powers of attorney can be drawn up for free or very cheap. Such a document would provide a simple and easily revocable means to ensure that the person you select as your representative can speak for you if you are incapacitated, no marriage license required.
 
Promethean said:
Even in that case, to ensure the ability to make medical decisions for someone who is incapacitated, living wills and medical powers of attorney can be drawn up for free or very cheap. Such a document would provide a simple and easily revocable means to ensure that the person you select as your representative can speak for you if you are incapacitated, no marriage license required.
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You are right, but it's called a Durable Power of Attorney for Health. All adults need one.
 
gyngyn said:
You are right, but it's called a Durable Power of Attorney for Health. All adults need one.
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Full agreement. I think that a basic course in managing one's personal legal and financial affairs should be taught at high school level. No one should be turned loose into the world without, at minimum, having been walked through how to negotiate a contract, evaluate a lease agreement, and set up a POA/living will.
 
FutureHopeful? said:
Udreamin has been trolling SDN for a while now.... don't feed him any more of your time.

First adderall now this????? please go back on your medication
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So, as ever, the point isn't to answer this one person. Even if he's a troll, someone else might happen upon this topic via search and find something useful here. And if he is a real person who really needs to ask the internet something like this, then preventing him from bumbling into an unwanted marriage is a public service well worth the few moments it takes to type out a response.
 
Udreamin said:
I consider SDN pre-meds and posters to be some of the smarter proactive people in the world so that's why I'm on here to ask for life changing advice.
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JXwEs.gif
 
First off, let me address these hilarious posters who continue to go off topic and attack me personally. This is the last time I'm going to waste my time with this. Am I a troll? Lol. I have much better use of my time than to troll on some forum. All of my threads have actually been serious but I'm also a comedian so I usually throw in some humor, but go ahead and use that humor as evidence to accuse me of being a troll - that's all you have. One of the SDN rules says to ignore trolls, but you're not doing that because you know I'm not trolling. A few of you guys need to lighten up. If you had nothing to add, then you don't need to waste your time posting - it's that simple. PM me if you have problems with the way I post, I'll gladly listen to any advice. I contacted a mod who says they'll delete off topic posts so please do yourself a favor and just PM me 1v1 if you have an issue with me or just contact a mod yourself.

Back on the topic, thanks for your insight @Promethean. Personally, I don't think of marriage as some kind of huge personal commitment, just a legal paper accompanied with a huge party. I love her to death and I'm willing to take the risk that a marriage could end in divorce, I just don't think marriage is going to help our situation right now or ever. When we first dated, I told her I didn't really like the idea of marriage and now I just change the topic when she brings it up. There's no way it's a dealbreaker for her, just something she wants as a social benefit and to be "official," both things I find highly trivial. We don't want kids right now anyway. If there's enticing legal benefits, I'll rush into it (and so will she), but higher taxes is not something I want.
 
I'm sure you weren't looking for any actual answers, but I'll throw you one. Part of the reason I didn't have to take out loans is because I have an employed spouse earning an acceptable enough income. That's a financial incentive in my opinion for sure.
 
Udreamin said:
Personally, I don't think of marriage as some kind of huge personal commitment, just a legal paper accompanied with a huge party.
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And this is why divorce rates are going up.... Marriage is a huge personal commitment. If more people viewed it as such and less as a thing that can be thrown away at the first sign of stress then divorce rates would plummet. It used to be if something was broke you fixed it, now we just chuck it for the newer, younger, better looking model that came out last week.
 
Ah, marriage advice from pre-allo. Never ceases to amaze.


I would advise talking to your GF about this, communicate how you love her but you're not ready (read: no matter what legal benefits there may be, you are not ready).
 
AnatomyGrey12 said:
And this is why divorce rates are going up.... Marriage is a huge personal commitment. If more people viewed it as such and less as a thing that can be thrown away at the first sign of stress then divorce rates would plummet. It used to be if something was broke you fixed it, now we just chuck it for the newer, younger, better looking model that came out last week.
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Or perhaps some of us recognize that everlasting commitment to one person doesn't have to be the be-all end-all indicator of success for any relationship. If you truly like the model better than the person you're with, I say go after them. Similarly, I say that unless the legal benefits of marriage outweigh the legal detriments, you should not be in a government-endorsed marriage, which is in fact a contract. Go to your church and say the vows and run with that if all you want is an everlasting commitment. Government-issued marriage licenses should be billed for what they are: A merging of two lives financially for the betterment of both people in the relationship and any progeny if applicable.
 
tantacles said:
If you truly like the model better than the person you're with, I say go after them.
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This does nothing other than lead to heartache and broken homes. The effects on children are huge and often leave the side left behind in the dust to pick up the pieces. It is exceptionally selfish honestly. Marriage is a commitment "for better or worse". Marriage is far less about love than it is about commitment and effort. Every marriage goes through their ups and downs. That's why it is so hard because it actually takes effort. Love is a choice and so is falling "out" of love.

There are real reasons that make divorce a reality and a good option but finding a better model is not one of them. It is a cop out.
 
AnatomyGrey12 said:
This does nothing other than lead to heartache and broken homes. The effects on children are huge and often leave the side left behind in the dust to pick up the pieces. It is exceptionally selfish honestly. Marriage is a commitment "for better or worse". Marriage is far less about love than it is about commitment and effort. Every marriage goes through their ups and downs. That's why it is so hard because it actually takes effort. Love is a choice and so is falling "out" of love.

There are real reasons that make divorce a reality and a good option but finding a better model is not one of them. It is a cop out.
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I disagree with you. And that's great. Disagreement is fantastic. I think people should leave their relationships rather than suffer through them if they're hopeless because children can also tell when parents are abjectly unhappy, which can actually be more damaging than a clean divorce.

That being said, I think more people should consider pluralistic relationships. Honest polyamory can solve many problems that are only exacerbated by the dishonest polyamory that occurs in many "monogamous" relationships.


Large dogs
 
Divorce rates aren't "skyrocketing".

But yea, you're probably not ready if you're asking advice on a pre Med forum.
 
Promethean said:
His character is of such quality that I cannot begin to imagine anything that he would do which I would find unforgivable or intolerable enough to want to end my partnership with him.
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:claps::biglove: THIS is why you marry someone. Taxes be damned.

Udreamin said:
Personally, I don't think of marriage as some kind of huge personal commitment, just a legal paper accompanied with a huge party.
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Then you've missed the entire point. Marriage is, in fact, a huge personal commitment and any party is incidental. You're choosing your life partner and formalizing that choice. You're committing to honoring that choice and not second-guessing it whenever an attractive distraction happens by. It's providing the kind of support that your partner can take for granted (but doesn't) and knowing (without asking) that you always have someone trustworthy and capable on your side.

Udreamin said:
When we first dated, I told her I didn't really like the idea of marriage and now I just change the topic when she brings it up. There's no way it's a dealbreaker for her, just something she wants as a social benefit and to be "official," both things I find highly trivial.
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If you could get married without the blowout party -- you can, by the way -- would that eliminate your objections? Don't be so sure that your resistance to marriage is not a deal-breaker. High-quality women (and by that I mean intelligent, capable, trustworthy, rational women with foresight -- the kind who make good life partners) may not fall for your "I don't believe it's important" line and shouldn't be strung along with "maybe later, when we want to have kids" BS. She may (correctly, I suspect) hear straight through your "I don't really want to get married" line to the underlying "I don't really want to commit forever to you" and decide to cut her losses.

And for what it's worth, that might happen emotionally (and sexually) long before you realize you've lost her and she actually walks out that door.
 
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