Married and Changing last name questions...

[DrMacDMD]

Hi Everyone...

I have a question... I am a dentist who has been practicing a year and a half... I was married in May and was kinda on the fence about changing my last name... I would like to keep my last name professionally ...it would mean a lot to my parents... plus my license and diploma have my last name... but would like use my husbands name for personal things... How does this work? I remember when I applied 4 my DEA number it states ur last name HAS to match ur Social security card... Would I have to hyphenate my name? Then does my Rx pad have to say both names too?
And then what happens with kids?
Sorry... I have no idea what to do!!

Any advice out there?

Thanks!

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[charlestweed]

My wife kept her last name for the same reason that you mentioned…..diplomas, specialty certificate, DEA, and dental license etc. The female orthodontist who sold me her practice me kept her last name. Most of my female dentist friends keep their last names.

Both of my kids have my last name.

 

[Rube]

Any advice out there?

Thanks!

keep it simple.

 

[dentstd]

Have your husband change his lastname to yours. That solves all problems.

 

[Tstarfish]

The female doctor I worked for got married late--but this is what she does:
She professionally kept her last name-her practice is incorp so the actually company name is her last original name--everything to do with work is by her first last name

socially she goes by her husbands last name--so one cards etc she sends out to family and such is just Mr. and Mrs with the same name --- also in the the school directory she uses her husbands name

You lose a little bit of name recognition doing it that way but it can work-

I think I personally would just - my name if you wanted to keep both-
but for me personally even though my father really wanted me keep my name I changed my name. i feel like it means a lot and shows true dedication to your new husband (i am not just being traditional here) make sure whatever you do will not upset your husband and just do what you want to do!

 

[Lopyswine]

I really hate this new pressure parents are putting on daughters to keep the name.

That's what sons are for!

 

[cookand]

I don't really see why it would mean a lot to your parents(and thus hurt their feelings if you changed) but that's none of my business.

For work, why not just make your current last name your middle name and take your husband's and use all 3 professionally? I don't see how this could effect you negatively.

 

[NyCzPeter]

I really hate this new pressure parents are putting on daughters to keep the name.

That's what sons are for!

Amen

 

[Lurchdubious]

Amen

x 2.


Does your hyphenated name sound cool? lol. I would think that way would get rid of most confusion & be easiest.

Kids get the husband's last name. Sorry, Man-law.

 

[I'mFillingFine]

I just got married a week ago (woo hoo!) during winter break of my third year. I'm taking his name, but I've always wanted to do that (even when I was a little kid.) I just want the same name as my family and don't want to explain that we aren't divorced or have to hyphenate only the kids' names, or whatnot. Also, I wanted to get married before graduating because I want to own my own practice within a few years of graduating, and I didn't want any confusion with changing my business name.

But I know a LOT of female dentists that keep their maiden names. Some just professionally (not legally), some the other way around. It's totally up to you.

Remember, whatever name you have, you WILL adjust to eventually. It may seem insane to change your name, but within a few years it'll seem like your maiden name was always your middle name.

But fewer and fewer women are doing it. It's totally up to you! if you get married in Massachusetts, the license lets BOTH parties choose whichever name they want (that's very rare.) Usually the husband would have to go through the really long name-changing process to change his legally, but in Mass you just right it on a line and you're finished.

Best of luck! Whatever you chose is fine, since it's YOUR identity.

 

[Huggies]

I use my husbands name, it's easier to have one name when you have kids.

 

[Northside]

Also, I wanted to get married before graduating because I want to own my own practice within a few years of graduating, and I didn't want any confusion with changing my business name.

Hmm... I'll keep that in mind... bag her before she graduates.

 

[gryffindor]

I'm planning to change my name after I get married (someday) although I haven't looked into the difficulty of doing so since my diploma and certificates will all have my maiden name on them. I'm not really concerned about the paperwork involved, when it comes time to do it, I'll just have to do it no matter how painful. If the DEA application gets sticky about last names not matching, well, does an orthodontist really need a DEA license?

When I get a chart in our clinic where the child, mom, and dad all have different last names listed, the first thought that comes to my mind is not "oh, mom must have kept her maiden name professionally." I really don't want to be explaining to airport security or anyone else why my last name doesn't match the (hypothetical) kids and seeing the kids have the expression on their faces while trying to fish out the paperwork from my purse to prove they are mine.

 

[NonTradMed]

When I get a chart in our clinic where the child, mom, and dad all have different last names listed, the first thought that comes to my mind is not "oh, mom must have kept her maiden name professionally." I really don't want to be explaining to airport security or anyone else why my last name doesn't match the (hypothetical) kids and seeing the kids have the expression on their faces while trying to fish out the paperwork from my purse to prove they are mine.

That's never happened to me. My mother kept her maiden name but we have never had problems and we've flown together on more than a few occasions. We've also traveled overseas and no one has challenged my mother's relationship to mine. I think most security guards are not won over on a mother-child relationship based on shared last name, just as they don't infer something nefarious because of a different last name.

Growing up in the 80's when keeping one's maiden name was far less common, my mother never had to fish out paperwork to 'prove' that I was her child, not to the schools, the border guards, to the people at Disneyland....

Funny thing is, although my mother is a self-proclaimed feminist, she was keeping with Chinese tradition when she kept her last name when she married. Most Chinese females from the old country do that even when they come to the US. And I have not heard of any problems she or her female Chinese friends had over not sharing the same last name as their husbands.

To the OP, if it was so important to have the same last name, and so difficult to change your own last name, why not ask the husband to change his? It seems more practical.

 

[gryffindor]

I don't know if people have had to explain different last names to TSA, I was just going by the story Huggies posted above.

 

[NonTradMed]

I don't know if people have had to explain different last names to TSA, I was just going by the story Huggies posted above.

It's much more common/accepted to hear of someone with a different last name than their kids nowadays. I know that from the late 80's onward (when I was in the US), it was never an issue with me. I would wager that today with so many blended families, most people aren't going to bat an eye.

 

[Darksunshine]

Keep your last name, or don't. I really think it is how you feel that matters most. I changed my name back when I got into dental school because having my professional licenses belong to me and my name was important to me. My kids are older than 10 and my husband and I offered to have them hyphenate or change their names, and wouldn't you know: the boy said no thanks and my daughter wanted to. Being proud of who you are and having a different last name than your husband is accepted a little better now, but I still have faculty ask me if I got divorced...lol. Oh well, tradition dies a hard, slow, death.
But women keeping their "name" isn't uncommon or unusual... the kid situation is a bit more touchy. Kind of like talking about being an atheist to a religious zealot, people usually have an opinion based on their feelings that really has little more than historical value about their social mores.

 

[Lopyswine]

Keep your last name, or don't. I really think it is how you feel that matters most. I changed my name back when I got into dental school because having my professional licenses belong to me and my name was important to me. My kids are older than 10 and my husband and I offered to have them hyphenate or change their names, and wouldn't you know: the boy said no thanks and my daughter wanted to. Being proud of who you are and having a different last name than your husband is accepted a little better now, but I still have faculty ask me if I got divorced...lol. Oh well, tradition dies a hard, slow, death.
But women keeping their "name" isn't uncommon or unusual... the kid situation is a bit more touchy. Kind of like talking about being an atheist to a religious zealot, people usually have an opinion based on their feelings that really has little more than historical value about their social mores.

yeah that professional degree belongs to YOU. ONLY YOU!!! You're husband had nothing to do with it. I'm sure he didn't support you at all during the process. I'm sure his love didn't pick you up when you were down.....

you asked a 10 year to make a decision about their name? ummm aren't parents supposed to make the adult decisions for the children?

I think it really shows the level of unity of a "family" if the members are so selfish that they can't all share the same NAME. It really does speak volumes about the a person's idea of family.

 

[Darksunshine]

yeah that professional degree belongs to YOU. ONLY YOU!!! You're husband had nothing to do with it. I'm sure he didn't support you at all during the process. I'm sure his love didn't pick you up when you were down.....

you asked a 10 year to make a decision about their name? ummm aren't parents supposed to make the adult decisions for the children?

I think it really shows the level of unity of a "family" if the members are so selfish that they can't all share the same NAME. It really does speak volumes about the a person's idea of family.

For the record, I supported him through his EE degree working as a RDH. My son is 17 and not his. Prior to when we first were married we discussed the last name thing because we both wanted to show unity by creating a name that was "ours", but we could not agree on a new name.

So put away your guilt trip lopy, he is fine with my voice and freedom of choice. Maybe you should consider moving to another country where women aren't allowed so many freedoms.

 

[Lopyswine]

For the record, I supported him through his EE degree working as a RDH. My son is 17 and not his. Prior to when we first were married we discussed the last name thing because we both wanted to show unity by creating a name that was "ours", but we could not agree on a new name.

So put away your guilt trip lopy, he is fine with my voice and freedom of choice. Maybe you should consider moving to another country where women aren't allowed so many freedoms.

few things:

1) you didn't say the child wasn't his.
2) don't try to compare EE to DDS.
3) I'm not saying you shouldn't have freedom of choice. I'm saying you should CHOOSE to share a name as a family.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, if my wife won't change her name for some reason than I'll change mine. I'd rather be a family unit than a group of people sharing a house.

oh and by the way, I'm an atheist. So its not religion that drives me. I just happen to think family is most important thing in a person's life.

 

[Darksunshine]

few things:

1) you didn't say the child wasn't his.
2) don't try to compare EE to DDS.
3) I'm not saying you shouldn't have freedom of choice. I'm saying you should CHOOSE to share a name as a family.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, if my wife won't change her name for some reason than I'll change mine. I'd rather be a family unit than a group of people sharing a house.

oh and by the way, I'm an atheist. So its not religion that drives me. I just happen to think family is most important thing in a person's life.

EE isn't a DMD, but when it wasn't their first career choice, and you supported them through that, time spent supporting them is still the same. Just because some one isn't going to school to be a doctor doesn't make their career path invaluable or one that doesn't require "support".

Last time I checked my name is the only one on these thousands of dollars I have racked up going to school.

Also, I think I can comment more accurately on the support required in school since you appear to be a freshman, me I'm class of 09.
The things you fight about while in school include: why are you still doing lab work at 11:00 pm and not home. Not your last name. You have to be grown up enough to let people be who they are if you really want a healthy marriage.

Lastly, If you'd actually change your name to your wives then I apologize, because I must have read your post wrong.
Your post sounded a lot like a lack of same last name equaling the husband's means my family values must obviously and horribly flawed. I think you used the words "speaks volumes". This OP's thread wasn't about her feelings on family values and the lack of a traditional view point on her own last name. It was about people's real life experiences in this area, which again CLEARLY you don't have any.

 

[Lopyswine]

EE isn't a DMD, but when it wasn't their first career choice, and you supported them through that, time spent supporting them is still the same. Just because some one isn't going to school to be a doctor doesn't make their career path invaluable or one that doesn't require "support".

Last time I checked my name is the only one on these thousands of dollars I have racked up going to school.

Also, I think I can comment more accurately on the support required in school since you appear to be a freshman, me I'm class of 09.
The things you fight about while in school include: why are you still doing lab work at 11:00 pm and not home. Not your last name. You have to be grown up enough to let people be who they are if you really want a healthy marriage.

Lastly, If you'd actually change your name to your wives then I apologize, because I must have read your post wrong.
Your post sounded a lot like a lack of same last name equaling the husband's means my family values must obviously and horribly flawed. I think you used the words "speaks volumes". This OP's thread wasn't about her feelings on family values and the lack of a traditional view point on her own last name. It was about people's real life experiences in this area, which again CLEARLY you don't have any.

let me guess, you guys also

1) have separate bank accounts and a "joint" account to pay bills out of
2) do you have a prenuptial agreement?

you know it's one thing for a woman to not change her name after she has been practicing for a while. That I think most people can understand. You on the other hand actually changed your name back to your maiden name during dental school! You can't justify that. (well of course you can justify it to yourself, which is what matters. However, I would guess, 80%+ of society wouldn't understand your actions.

The only explanation I can think of is that you realize you may get a divorce down the road and you don't want issues with your patients and practice.

 

[Darksunshine]

let me guess, you guys also

1) have separate bank accounts and a "joint" account to pay bills out of
2) do you have a prenuptial agreement?

you know it's one thing for a woman to not change her name after she has been practicing for a while. That I think most people can understand. You on the other hand actually changed your name back to your maiden name during dental school! You can't justify that. (well of course you can justify it to yourself, which is what matters. However, I would guess, 80%+ of society wouldn't understand your actions.

The only explanation I can think of is that you realize you may get a divorce down the road and you don't want issues with your patients and practice.

Since lopyswine likes to personally attack people on this forum and also likes making list's let’s make a list for him:

1. Lopyswine doesn't have a crystal ball or a magic mirror (thank god one isn't required for dental school) So where does he get his psychology degree from?

2. People are unique, and you will have trouble treating your future patients if you can't even interact respectfully about a subject you disagree with on a public forum about a controversial topic.

3. It’s absolutely none of your business what my financial agreements are, no more than yours are mine. But since we are sharing here, everything in our life is shared except for our name. I am guessing you are young and inexperienced (either that are old and traditionally minded) because the reality is marriage's fail at 50% or higher rate of divorce, even greater so in police officers, military, and highly educated health professionals. (Check the studies-Did you take a critical thinking course?)

Anecdotal note from my old boss who has been a dentist for about 30 years: When he attended his class reunion less than half of his class was married to the person they were married to in dental school. Most of the faculties at the school I attend have been married more than once.

4. Drop the hatred blog dude, you and I don't agree. I get that. Do you?

 

[Darksunshine]

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[Lopyswine]

Since lopyswine likes to personally attack people on this forum and also likes making list's let’s make a list for him:

1. Lopyswine doesn't have a crystal ball or a magic mirror (thank god one isn't required for dental school) So where does he get his psychology degree from?

2. People are unique, and you will have trouble treating your future patients if you can't even interact respectfully about a subject you disagree with on a public forum about a controversial topic.

3. It’s absolutely none of your business what my financial agreements are, no more than yours are mine. But since we are sharing here, everything in our life is shared except for our name. I am guessing you are young and inexperienced (either that are old and traditionally minded) because the reality is marriage's fail at 50% or higher rate of divorce, even greater so in police officers, military, and highly educated health professionals. (Check the studies-Did you take a critical thinking course?)

Anecdotal note from my old boss who has been a dentist for about 30 years: When he attended his class reunion less than half of his class was married to the person they were married to in dental school. Most of the faculties at the school I attend have been married more than once.

4. Drop the hatred blog dude, you and I don't agree. I get that. Do you?

Did you even read my post? I said you don't have to justify anything to anyone but yourself.

The fact that you do point out the possibility of divorce as a reason for not taking his name again shows your views on unity and family. I don't care what the statistics say, if you go into a marraige thinking "there's a chance we'll get a divorce." Then I guarantee you'll get a divorce.

By the way, I'm a 27 year old atheist. I am a non traditional student. I have been with my lady for 5+ years. We are in it for the long hall.

 

[Daydream46]

There were too many replies and Im running out the door so I didnt read them all... but here is what I did:

Keep my maiden name legally (for professional stuff) and just go by my married name with my friends and my sons schools and things like that

But in all honesty you dont want to change somethings over to the married name and keep somethings as the old name. It just doesnt work well like that... To the govt you need to have 1 name that matches you SSN... which is why you should keep all your IDs in your maiden name.

I mean people can call you whatever you wanted to be called...

 

[aphistis]

Grow up, people. Geez. If you act up one more time, I'm turning this thread around and going right back home.

 

[Rube]

Seems there are two strong points of view in this thread.

On the one hand, are the name keepers. They will tell you all the reasons why they think they want to keep their name no matter how important or insignificant we judge them to be. They don't care too much that it makes their lives and those of their children at least somewhat complicated, to them there is something else driving them to which they will not openly admit. You cannot convince them otherwise.

Then you have the traditionalists appealing to what else but tradition! they see the simplicity and conformity as being a sign of someone who understands that they have entered into a club, and a club implies there were those there before you who "played by the rules" of the club. To them tradition is about respect for what has worked. They see the name keepers as another small evidence of deconstruction of an institution.