Med Student (M1) + Traveling Consultant in LDR - when the going gets tough.

[Dating_a_DO]

Hi everyone, hoping I can get some wisdom from you all despite the unique situation I'm in. A little context:

I am a 23 y/o female who just began a full-time job last summer as a consultant for a major tech company. I travel to my client most weeks Monday-Thursday or Friday, have very full, long, and exhausting days, and come home to my "home base" city, which happens to be 3 states away from my boyfriend. My boyfriend is a first-year med student which as you know, isn't easy either. So on top of our distance, each of us lead busy, stressful lives. We always have been that way - we began dating 2.5 years ago when I was finishing undergrad and starting my Master's, and he was finishing his Master's and working a demanding job with our University's hospital network.

I am fortunate enough to have had a seamless relationship. We are both mature individuals who share the same values, lifestyle, dreams for the future, and embrace each other's quirks. We've traveled together, our friends love one another, and our families love the other like their own. Within 5 months of dating, my boyfriend told me I am the woman he will marry one day. We talk about the future like no other, and I plan on relocating to live with him after 2 full years with my company since at that point, I can live anywhere (he'd be going into rotations then).

BUT- we've just recently hit a few bumps in the road. This shook me to my core, because it was so unfamiliar for us....me, coming off an anxiety medication (for other reasons) weathering taper side effects and a series of stressful criticism from work, and him, losing steam from a nightmarish block and running on reserves to finish out the year. When I was going through my taper a few months ago, I was texting him nonstop, would call 3-4 times per day, and could feel him growing distant. I brought this up, and he candidly told me that it had been irritating him, and he encouraged me to seek counseling (which I since have). What paralyzed me most, was that he said our conversations were getting stale. I think this is a result of me unable to be present when we'd speak, because my mind was racing anxiously, or the fact that when you speak to someone 5 times a day...what new do you have to talk about?

Although we are past this, that word stale still haunts me. I find myself overly conscious about my conversations with him, afraid I sound too boring. Meanwhile, he has also been in a depressive state. Very down about school and the negativity pervading his peer network. I try to provide as much encouragement as I can, but how can I help in addition to sending care packages and sounding like a broken record? I'm afraid he is going to end the relationship because he may be overcome by his stressful feelings, and the fact that I am not adding anything refreshing. I cannot imagine my life without him - he is my life and the one constant in my future. We just planned a summer trip and even that, I'm hoping he will last until. I just want validation that his "I love yous" are sincere.

so 2 questions:
-What things are particularly effective to say to your medical SO when he/she's feeling beat?
-Is our relationship doomed? Or am I creating some distorted reality in my mind? (I'm real good at that)

I have been unable to focus or sleep, this is weighing on my heart.

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[OrthoTraumaMD]

He doesn’t sound very mature at all. After five months of dating, he said he was going to marry you, which is all well and good… Until medical school comes along and he is suddenly calling you stale, and telling you to seek counseling (as if there aren’t two stressed out people in this relationship) and it is your “fault,” and he has nothing to do with it. It sounds like he is trying to move on, and so should you. Sorry to be harsh, but long distance relationships are always extremely tricky unless you are already married, and even then, they don’t always work out. So I would have a talk about your relationship if you care about him, and tell him his words made you unhappy. If he just says you are nagging and doesn’t respond like a caring person would, you have your answer.
And honestly, you are 23. Plenty of fish in the sea, some probably better than him. You have 10 years at least to find one of them.


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[Dating_a_DO]

He doesn’t sound very mature at all. After five months of dating, he said he was going to marry you, which is all well and good… Until medical school comes along and he is suddenly calling you stale, and telling you to seek counseling (as if there aren’t two stressed out people in this relationship) and it is your “fault,” and he has nothing to do with it. It sounds like he is trying to move on, and so should you. Sorry to be harsh, but long distance relationships are always extremely tricky unless you are already married, and even then, they don’t always work out. So I would have a talk about your relationship if you care about him, and tell him his words made you unhappy. If he just says you are nagging and doesn’t respond like a caring person would, you have your answer.
And honestly, you are 23. Plenty of fish in the sea, some probably better than him. You have 10 years at least to find one of them.

He was very caring about it, that is the thing. He said "I love you and we are going to work through this together. I don't want you to be scared every day living in fear, you need to be strong and think positively". That is what is making it all so harder. There is none better than him for me.

 

[SocialStigma]

I don't think your relationship is necessarily doomed, but it sounds like he is in a bit of a funk and may need some space. To be honest, I would also find texting nonstop and 3-4 phone calls daily to be irritating and too much. I think his suggestion of seeking therapy is a good one. Speaking from experience, it can be hard to have a partner offload all their negative feelings/emotions/anxiety on you, especially if he is also feeling down and anxious. I would cut back on the excessive communication and just try to be supportive when he's talking about how he feels or his experiences.

 

[crazymedschoolgf]

I went through pretty much the same thing at the start of MS1.
-What things are particularly effective to say to your medical SO when he/she's feeling beat?
I think it's important to remind them how much they deserve to be there and how hard they've worked to get to the place they're in now. Something I think that can be inspiring is to remind them of the % acceptance rate to the school/program that they are in. It's definitely a good motivator!
-Is our relationship doomed? Or am I creating some distorted reality in my mind? (I'm real good at that)
The relationship is not doomed. It takes time and a an honest, open conversation to adjust to all of the changes. I think it's important to have a plan to look forward to of when things will change (if the current situation is not working out). I think a summer trip might be what you need to reset!

 

[Dating_a_DO]

I don't think your relationship is necessarily doomed, but it sounds like he is in a bit of a funk and may need some space. To be honest, I would also find texting nonstop and 3-4 phone calls daily to be irritating and too much. I think his suggestion of seeking therapy is a good one. Speaking from experience, it can be hard to have a partner offload all their negative feelings/emotions/anxiety on you, especially if he is also feeling down and anxious. I would cut back on the excessive communication and just try to be supportive when he's talking about how he feels or his experiences.

Thanks! We had a wonderful weekend and went to a counseling session that really helped us understand ourselves within and outside the context of our relationship, so that we can be better partners in the context of our relationship!

 

[Stroganoff]

To be honest, I would also find texting nonstop and 3-4 phone calls daily to be irritating and too much.

Same. I'd find this completely suffocating, and I'd naturally want to create distance and run away. I loathe clinginess with a passion, especially if it's done via cell phone.

When I was going through my taper a few months ago, I was texting him nonstop, would call 3-4 times per day, and could feel him growing distant.

You state this in the same sentence as if there's cause-effect. Has your communication gotten back to normal now that some time has passed since you've tapered your medication?

 

[deleted480308]

There has never been a point in my work or student life when I wanted constant texts and 3-4 phone calls from my wife, let alone a girlfriend

Judging from your story I would have suggested counseling too

Anecdotally I would say odds are against the relationship but whatever.....if you like the gut keep at it and hope for the best. Good luck

 

[Dating_a_DO]

There has never been a point in my work or student life when I wanted constant texts and 3-4 phone calls from my wife, let alone a girlfriend

Judging from your story I would have suggested counseling too

Anecdotally I would say odds are against the relationship but whatever.....if you like the gut keep at it and hope for the best. Good luck

Update from a few weeks later...things are going swimmingly, the therapy session helped immensely (we did a 3.5 hour working session!) My boyfriend has been extremely conscious of rebuilding back to where we were, is already talking about our future again and expressing a desire to share his vision of our relationship and grow together. We now understand the root of our challenges and are working to address that moving forward. He seems keen on learning how to manage uncertainty and the anxiety caused by that uncertainty within the context of our relationship, whereas I am now on a good medication plan to reduce my own anxiety and be more conscientious of giving him space when he needs it. We are also planning weekly "date" nights and following up with some strategies to improve the long-distance connection.

It is still early, of course, but to all the skeptics out there who expressed a negative outlook, I say this not in a "HA in your face!" way, but to show that when both parties are willing to work towards a common goal, good things happen! A challenge does NOT mean the end.