Medical School at 32/33 as a woman = no family?

[docgoals90]

This may be better suited for another forum, and I'm sure I'll obsessively research stats on this at some point, but I'm wondering if there are any women doctors here who have been in this situation and can speak to this?

Others can chime in with thoughts too. Give it to me real. Im just slowly accepting the likelihood that I may not be able to have a baby and do this. And I cant put off my career. Even getting married might be an issue, as im super single already at 28. (Im starting a second bachelors soon, ill be either 32 or 33 when I'm done). I've seen two youtubers go through pregnancy in med school and one also did it in residency. They both seem horrible lol

And I also think gender norms and dynamics in the hetero world are not on the side of women in demanding careers like medicine.

Have you experienced this or thoughts?

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[Crayola227]

You will die alone.

 

[Goro]

This may be better suited for another forum, and I'm sure I'll obsessively research stats on this at some point, but I'm wondering if there are any women doctors here who have been in this situation and can speak to this?

Others can chime in with thoughts too. Give it to me real. Im just slowly accepting the likelihood that I may not be able to have a baby and do this. And I cant put off my career. Even getting married might be an issue, as im super single already at 28. (Im starting a second bachelors soon, ill be either 32 or 33 when I'm done). I've seen two youtubers go through pregnancy in med school and one also did it in residency. They both seem horrible lol

And I also think gender norms and dynamics in the hetero world are not on the side of women in demanding careers like medicine.

Have you experienced this or thoughts?

I've had plenty of female students who had kids while in med school. Usually they would take an LOA.

 

[Shotapp]

This is just a suggestion OP, but if I were you, I would focus on raising the very low GPA and eventually crushing the MCAT especially since you're boning for the MD. You can worry about relationships/babies later.

 

[Bullseye_18]

Docgoals!
I love that you posted! I too, am a 27 yo wildly-single female looking to matriculate at 31. I strongly desire to have a husband and 3-4 kids. Though looking at my age and the way life is turning out, it seems like the kids thing will probably give a little :/

I figure, you've just got to live in the best way you can with what you're given! If you can find a husband and have some kiddos, great. That can totally happen in medical school as well, with a supportive family by your side. If it doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen. I would rather look back and know that I have trained to save lives (and happen to not have a family) than to have lived "a little less"... and still not have a family.

As long as you're giving the dating-thing a good swing, keep trekking! Go to medical school; fulfill your dreams! And if you can, have those kids! You'll make it through all of the training. Nothing will come easy. But "it's the hard that makes it great."

 

[676188]

I’m 38, applying this cycle, been married 20 years and have five kids that I stayed home to raise full time for 15 years before returning to school.

Women can have it all...but sometimes we can’t have it all at the same time.

Since you are “super single”, I would focus on career. If you fall in love, get married, and have kids along the way, great. You’ll figure out a way to work all that out. If you don’t, then you’ll have focused that time on you, and you might choose to adopt or foster or have a child as a single parent. No sense in worrying about it right now though.

And 50% of most Med school classes are female. I think that calls into questions your point about gender norms.

 

[ChiDr]

I had a friend who froze her eggs (at 32/33) as she was concerned about being able to have kids after med school. She ended up meeting a guy in med school, they had kids naturally (she was 37), and she is now a 2nd year resident. Was it tough, I’m sure it was, but we are built to handle all sorts of obstacles.

One thing I know being in my 30s, you can’t force a relationship. I had mine fail, one of the reasons is that I wanted to embark on this journey of medicine, it didn’t work for the other party. There was too much tension. Relationship soured and here I am following my dream, a little bit older and a little bit wiser. Support is needed through many endeavors.

I believe that as long as support is there, it is possible. They need to completely understand your schedule, what you and they are getting into, and they need to be on board with it all.

 

[star.buck]

I’m 38, applying this cycle...

Women can have it all...but sometimes we can’t have it all at the same time.

THIS!

To the OP: I've read up on many options for having it all, with the right timing (I'm 35, married, not planning on biological children). You can freeze the eggs, get an egg donor, adopt, foster... there's MANY options for a family when you're ready. Focus on doing what floats your boat, and you'll meet that family along the way that floats the same kind of boat as you (I think the analogy just sunk, but I'll swim with it anyway). If you force the timing, especially with marriage and family, there's a greater risk of divorce and a very unhappy situation. You never know, you might meet the love of your life first year of med school (this happened to SEVERAL classmates at my school over the years).

 

[Lyoness]

lol calm down lady one step at a time.

 

[Shotapp]

I had a friend who froze her eggs (at 32/33) as she was concerned about being able to have kids after med school. She ended up meeting a guy in med school, they had kids naturally (she was 37), and she is now a 2nd year resident. Was it tough, I’m sure it was, but we are built to handle all sorts of obstacles.

One thing I know being in my 30s, you can’t force a relationship. I had mine fail, one of the reasons is that I wanted to embark on this journey of medicine, it didn’t work for the other party. There was too much tension. Relationship soured and here I am following my dream, a little bit older and a little bit wiser. Support is needed through many endeavors.

I believe that as long as support is there, it is possible. They need to completely understand your schedule, what you and they are getting into, and they need to be on board with it all.

This is excellent advice!

 

[theITcrowd]

I’m 38, applying this cycle, been married 20 years and have five kids that I stayed home to raise full time for 15 years before returning to school.

You deserve kudos no matter how this cycle turns out, seriously

 

[sunshinefl]

I started at 31. Currently in 2nd year. I got married in May. We would like 1-2 kids, but I have some issues that will make it more difficult—PCOS, hypothyroidism. Would like at least 1 if it proves very difficult to conceive/carry a baby, and 2 if not so terribly difficult. Anyway, my goal is for the first one to be during 4th year-ish somehow. But it’s hard to hit such a narrow target if you have infertility issues. I also told my husband he will have to be the primary caregiver so to speak.

 

[AD04]

I’m 38, applying this cycle, been married 20 years and have five kids that I stayed home to raise full time for 15 years before returning to school.

Women can have it all...but sometimes we can’t have it all at the same time.

Since you are “super single”, I would focus on career. If you fall in love, get married, and have kids along the way, great. You’ll figure out a way to work all that out. If you don’t, then you’ll have focused that time on you, and you might choose to adopt or foster or have a child as a single parent. No sense in worrying about it right now though.

And 50% of most Med school classes are female. I think that calls into questions your point about gender norms.

You had kids first and then you're trying to get into medicine.

Why did you do one thing and then advise OP to do the opposite (focus on career first and then family)?

If you had to choose between your children or getting into medicine, would you choose medicine? Because it seems that is what you're advising OP to do.

 

[676188]

You had kids first and then you're trying to get into medicine.

Why did you do one thing and then advise OP to do the opposite (focus on career first and then family)?

If you had to choose between your children or getting into medicine, would you choose medicine? Because it seems that is what you're advising OP to do.

Maybe I should have elaborated. I got married at 18, had five children in nine years, and stayed home to raise them while my husband finished his educated and built his career.

OP isn’t married or even dating. I clearly stated that because she defined herself as “super single”, she should focus on her education and career.

 

[676188]

You deserve kudos no matter how this cycle turns out, seriously

Thank you.

Honestly, I think the students who stick it out and go straight through as traditional deserve more credit. There is plenty to distract them along the way if achieving their goals.

 

[676188]

Med school tends to be isolative for people over 30. There's probably 2-3 people your age in your program, and they're probably married with kids. You would probably have to look for a partner outside of medical school...but if you go somewhere with a large population, online dating would remain viable. A lot of schools have professionalism requirements that leave interpersonal interactions a bit...staid generally.

The 22 year olds today have probably had more conversations on twitter than in person, and most of them have very deeply internalized victim narratives being sold on undergrad campuses today. You can eat alone, or chat simultaneously about how offensive the word "Caucasian" is in midst of being peppered about how old you are.



You can date and go to school. Realistically, there are fewer quality options as you move into your 30s (for men and women)...most of the good ones settle down.

Medical school is only four years though, 2 of which are spent in clinical settings with a wider variety of ages. There are also plenty of outside sources available for those looking to find someone and settle down (religious & professional organizations, community events, internet dating).

My point above was that since OP isn’t currently in a relationship (and there is no shame in that!) that worrying about getting married, having kids and going to Med school right now is moot. She should focus on where she is right now, and if her situation changes in the process, she can reevaluate.

 

[docgoals90]

I’m 38, applying this cycle, been married 20 years and have five kids that I stayed home to raise full time for 15 years before returning to school.

Women can have it all...but sometimes we can’t have it all at the same time.

Since you are “super single”, I would focus on career. If you fall in love, get married, and have kids along the way, great. You’ll figure out a way to work all that out. If you don’t, then you’ll have focused that time on you, and you might choose to adopt or foster or have a child as a single parent. No sense in worrying about it right now though.

And 50% of most Med school classes are female. I think that calls into questions your point about gender norms.

The point about gender norms was not about the makeup of medical schools. It's the gender norms of romantic relationships in our societyand the difficulty in swinging the "stay at home dad" or similar scenario, while working demanding hours
This is compared to hetero men I've heard from, who have similar arrangements with their partners who have less demanding careers for the early years of raising a child. That and probably other concerns that I've heard from women in certain career fields, who struggle to find men who fit a certain ideal match or who are uncomfortable with certain levels of success. While I think it's great that many other women have gotten married and had kids, there really is no question that gender norms and archetypes of what roles women should play do still affect single women, and that difficulty does seem to increase the more successful the woman is, while single. Thats what I meant.

 

[docgoals90]

I had a friend who froze her eggs (at 32/33) as she was concerned about being able to have kids after med school. She ended up meeting a guy in med school, they had kids naturally (she was 37), and she is now a 2nd year resident. Was it tough, I’m sure it was, but we are built to handle all sorts of obstacles.

One thing I know being in my 30s, you can’t force a relationship. I had mine fail, one of the reasons is that I wanted to embark on this journey of medicine, it didn’t work for the other party. There was too much tension. Relationship soured and here I am following my dream, a little bit older and a little bit wiser. Support is needed through many endeavors.

I believe that as long as support is there, it is possible. They need to completely understand your schedule, what you and they are getting into, and they need to be on board with it all.

Freezing eggs is expensive but definitely a good idea if one can afford it. And yeah, I did want to have my own child (biologically) and I wanted to experience pregnancy but I'd probably hate it while in medical school. It's just accepting a changing vision for my future. Like im not 20, I dont have a ton of time. Being realistic about the fact that i may not have a baby on my own is just me trying to get my head in the right space. I cant keep saying/thinking I'll have a baby if it may not happen and I'm not even married yet.

I agree that you cant force a relationship. Before I used to plan on maybe having a baby on my own but I definitely dont think thats smart as a doctor!

 

[docgoals90]

You can date and go to school. Realistically, there are fewer quality options as you move into your 30s (for men and women)...most of the good ones settle down.

I think NYC is different. We likely have an older average married age than a lot of places, on top of the fact that millenials get married later in general, and many people here focus on their careers as well. Im doing everything in my power to stay in NY for my schooling and career, and in that scenario, I'd like to think its more about the effort I put into dating. If I move to the midwest, it might be more difficult, id imagine. I really havent focused on having serious relationships. Ive mostly been traveling, working, organizing (political stuff), working on myself, and enjoying friends and family. I definitely do need to start committing to dating and building a serious relationship. I'm behind there. I'm also very picky and have specific requirements for compatibility, but I do think effort put in is the biggest issue right now.

The thing I worry about is all the negative energy in dating and relationships. I need

Medical school is only four years though, 2 of which are spent in clinical settings with a wider variety of ages. There are also plenty of outside sources available for those looking to find someone and settle down (religious & professional organizations, community events, internet dating).

My point above was that since OP isn’t currently in a relationship (and there is no shame in that!) that worrying about getting married, having kids and going to Med school right now is moot. She should focus on where she is right now, and if her situation changes in the process, she can reevaluate.

Yes, there's a world outside of medical school, thank goodness. Im going to do everything in my power to stay in NY, so continuing to build on the community and connections I have here woud help with that. Id like to be in a relationship by the time I start medical school, but we will see. I wont rush or force anything but I do need to get out there. NYC likely has an older marrying age for millenials, and many here are focused on career, so my scenario isnt as rare as it would be in some places. Baby steps! I think for those of us who spent our 20s focused on self-development, friends, traveling and moving whenever we wanted to, and avoiding a lot of the negativity that often comes with dating and serious relationships, its an adjustment in focus. But its cool. Can't get married without it

 

[ChiDr]

At the end of the day, the only thing you can count on is your ability to decide whether to pursue medicine or not. Understand yourself and what you truly want out of life, understand limitations and obstacles. Some doors open while others remain closed. Start there. The more you make things you can’t control targets, the more you are likely to miss.

 

[Crayola227]

You have to decide what is most important and pursue that, and obviously there's more to life than that one thing.

You have to decide what it most important, because if it's having your own kids, freezing eggs and all that, there's no way to know if any of that is going to work, or if you'll have the money to do so. No, really.

 

[Staphylococcus Aureus]

1. It amazes me how this forum consistently gives off the impression that cyropreservation, IVF, and adopting (especially fostering) is some five minute cake walk. It is not. There are significant difficulties and costs.

2. Now is a worse time than ever to find a sig other in med school. Graduate schools are an incubator for isolation and depression, not long term romance. Almost everyone over 27 will not be single.

3. There are plenty of men that aren’t “scared off” by a successful woman, there’s just not an infinite supply of amazing and equally successful men still single at 33 years old. But that question of is kind of irrelevant, the real question is do you love medicine so much you would sacrifice anything. Both men and women are faced with this question (thus the divorce rate for doctors).

 

[ChiDr]

I don’t think anyone is implying that it is easy or inexpensive. It’s very hard for anyone that is busy to have a relationship. It’s expensive to choose certain routes. Freezing eggs is a lot of money. IVF is a heck of a lot of money.

However, there are options and I think that is what people are offering.

The decision is that persons to make. She isn’t the first person to go through this line of thought and she will not be the last. Sometimes we don’t realize all the options until people start mentioning them. I think most people are trying to be helpful, not negative.

 

[AD04]

OP, if you are serious about having a relationship and a family, start today before you reach the big 3-0. It won't get easier when you get older and when you get busier. You will have a lot less time in medical school and residency.

You will have to make the effort and put yourself out there. Marriage rates are plummeting and marriageable men (the ones with a good job who are wiling to marry) are decreasing. You cannot expect Prince Charming to fall onto your laps.

Pick up one of those girl magazines and learn how to groom and do make up.

Work out (including resistance training -- don't forget the squats). Eat healthy.

Have a pleasant personality. Do not be "one of the guys." It is ok to be a little helpless.

It will be a lot of work but the guys you are interested in are also working hard. And take it seriously because one day, the only guys who will still be interested in you could pass for your grandfather. It will come sooner than you think.

Good luck.

P.S. If you stay in NYC, your competition will be fierce. There are a higher concentration of beautiful women in major cities than rural areas. They got straight white teeth, plastic enhancements, all the time in the world for yoga and Pilates, low-fat diets, high-class fashion, etc.

 

[docgoals90]

OP, if you are serious about having a relationship and a family, start today before you reach the big 3-0. It won't get easier when you get older and when you get busier. You will have a lot less time in medical school and residency.

You will have to make the effort and put yourself out there. Marriage rates are plummeting and marriageable men (the ones with a good job who are wiling to marry) are decreasing. You cannot expect Prince Charming to fall onto your laps.

Pick up one of those girl magazines and learn how to groom and do make up.

Work out (including resistance training -- don't forget the squats). Eat healthy.

Have a pleasant personality. Do not be "one of the guys." It is ok to be a little helpless.

It will be a lot of work but the guys you are interested in are also working hard. And take it seriously because one day, the only guys who will still be interested in you could pass for your grandfather. It will come sooner than you think.

Good luck.

P.S. If you stay in NYC, your competition will be fierce. There are a higher concentration of beautiful women in major cities than rural areas. They got straight white teeth, plastic enhancements, all the time in the world for yoga and Pilates, low-fat diets, high-class fashion, etc.

Lol people really overestimate the competition in nyc. I know an ample amount of women in relationships, who are far less concerned with beauty and fashion than I am. But yes, this is a city full of beautiful people. I get your point though. However, I dont think we should be telling women to start obsessing over their looks to find a man.

OP is in a place where there are tons and tons of singles in their late 20s and early 30s. This can generate a false surplus perception...nobody in NYC really settles down before 30, 40 yo singles are not uncommon. Most of the rest of the country is marrying by mid 20s and starts to look askance at single people over 30.

I was in a similar situation. I really really really wish I had picked one of the 6-7 good ones I foolishly cast aside for yet another rush-of-new-relationship high. I wound up with acceptances in places that don't have a lot of singles, so its been about 16 months of near total isolation so far with another 36 to go. Maybe residency will be better?



Yeah I get this. Early dating is a pain in the neck, the 2-6 month is almost worse because you get attached and then find out they have a drug problem or major psych issues or whatever.

The thing is, being alone for seeming unending stretches is way worse.

The thing is I'm very comfortable and happy on my own. So being alone is not miserable for me - I don't need a partner to make me happy or complete me. I just want to be in a relationship and get married and obviously I need to face some fears on that negativity. But I get you.

Thanks for understanding my situation. Major cities are totally differenr from suburbia and rural areas when it comes to marriage timelines and NYC really is its own beast. But still, I need to get out there now. Its just hard when youve enveloped yourself in a bubble of positivity and self-acceptance. But that just means i have to choose wisely.

 

[NITRAS]

I guess I should point out that I'm male, and went into medical school dating my wife. . . . but

Lots of women have babies in medical school and residency. Is it easy? Nope. Having children isn't easy, and medicine is demanding. You will make sacrifices for both. You will notice that women are a minority in surgical specialties, and it isn't just the biased nature of the programs (though that does exist). I know lots of physician couples. You can either model your career to allow you to parent or pay someone else to parent. Ultimately, everyone's career should serve their family, and the family goals. My wife not a physician, but a dietitian. But she has an excellent head on her shoulders, and has been integrating technology, and business well enough in a national company that she could easily obtain a six figure salary if she wanted to. We have decided that she will step back for now, and spend more time with the kids (for now). I didn't take a job that required nights or very many 80+ hour weeks, even if we made less money. That is a decision we have made because it is best for our family.

Looking for a spouse is an intentional act. Carefree dating and dating towards marriage are two different things. Get your goals on career, family, religion, family, and location (and don't forget good pre-marriage counseling). You actually don't need to date for years to figure that out (I think it hurts it). Truthfully, I knew I wanted to marry my wife within 3 months. Children should come after marriage. It works better that way, trust me. So, I would argue to worry about children later.

Why a second bachelors? Are you sure it is needed?

A good marriage is awesome, and don't forget that they require work. Most marriages have good and bad times. Kids are awesome. I never had any idea how awesome they are till I had them, but they are also more work than I thought possible.

Good luck.

 

[heavymetalfan]

Before I used to plan on maybe having a baby on my own but I definitely dont think thats smart as a doctor!

But I'm 28, single, planning to be a doc, and planning to have a kid on my own if no partner enters the picture. I've actually never had that thought -that it wouldn't be smart. But I have a family that I believe would support me if I make that decision when I'm 40 and single and wanting a child.

I don't know. Let's not worry about it too much. A lot of my friends are getting married and engaged and it's so in my face when I'm scrolling facebook. But I've got quite a few friends in my same boat - 28 or 29, single without partner, not quite set in their careers yet. I'm literally reading this thread thinking- do I know you? I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but I'm sure there are guys sharing the same anxiety. Try coffee meets bagel and you'll get a bunch of medical resident bagels wondering when they'll find the time to date.

Like you said, "I don't need a partner to make me happy or complete me". Don't lose sight of that and rush to marriage as a result.

That didn't help. Anyway, all I'm saying is I know our est. 1990 ovaries are exploding, but if we're going into medicine, we have to be masters of delayed gratification.

 

[heavymetalfan]

Pick up one of those girl magazines and learn how to groom and do make up [...] Do not be "one of the guys." It is ok to be a little helpless.

Oh fork, is that what I'm doing wrong?

at least I get my eyebrows threaded from time to time?

 

[NITRAS]

This may not be politically correct, and may make some feminist or leftist foam at the mouth, but children need both a mother and a father. Planning on single parenthood is a bad idea for many reasons. Life happens, people get by, but it would be a serious mistake to sign up for it.

You are only 28 right now. The idea that you'll never have time to date is silly, or your'll never find a spouse to marry is catastrophizing. Don't paint yourself into a corner. That is how people rationalize making stupid decisions.

 

[Crayola227]

these things happen in waves... 30s a lot of people are still married from their 20s, as they approach 40 the kids start to leave the nest or are older, and the midlife crisis begins, and people are single again

 

[Staphylococcus Aureus]

The ra-ra-you-go-girl-career-over-everything is deep on this forum (mainly from premeds). I find the "don't worry about it, you have decades" attitude naive. That said there are countless women that successfully do medicine and kids at the same time, some take a year off after 2nd year, some during residency, some do it going straight through. It's all been done before and accommodations are relatively easy.

OP if you're starting from scratch (2nd bachelors, no mcat) you have a LONG road before having the luxury of deciding what you want most in life on top of devoting 70-120 hrs/wk for years to medicine. There's a reason the vast majority of premeds never make it to med school.

 

[PygmyPuff]

I think for those of us who spent our 20s focused on self-development, friends, traveling and moving whenever we wanted to, and avoiding a lot of the negativity that often comes with dating and serious relationships, its an adjustment in focus.

I think the problem here is your attitude towards relationships. Relationships do not have to hold you back from developing yourself, friends, traveling, moving, and "avoiding negativity." I am married, have a daughter and am in medical school. I spent my 20s traveling with my husband, building and maintaining my friendships, figuring out who I was, moving all over the place and whenever I wanted, and never wasting a single day wallowing in any negativity. If you stop looking at relationships as a chore or an item you have to check off some list, you might find yourself with an opportunity to have a relationship with someone who doesn't bring negativity into your life.