Medical students dating/marrying people not in medical or science field?

[Red_matahari]

My gf of 3 years is planning on moving with me when I start medical school in August (I was already accepted). We are pretty serious about our relationship and plan on eventually getting married and having kids.
My concern is that since she isnt in the medical field or related science field (she doesnt have a college degree) she wont fully understand how time consuming/demanding a career in medicine is (though we have talked about it multiple times).

Are there any current medical students who have serious significant others outside of medicine and how did it affect your relationship?

Thanks!

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[ciestar]

I got married a little before I started med school and my husband is in business. He understands the rigors more than I seem to lol

He is crazy supportive but when I get stressed I take it out on him. We have some rocky days because of that but I couldn’t do this without him

 

[doc05]

My gf of 3 years is planning on moving with me when I start medical school in August (I was already accepted). We are pretty serious about our relationship and plan on eventually getting married and having kids.
My concern is that since she isnt in the medical field or related science field (she doesnt have a college degree) she wont fully understand how time consuming/demanding a career in medicine is (though we have talked about it multiple times).

Are there any current medical students who have serious significant others outside of medicine and how did it affect your relationship?

Thanks!

Get a prenup.

 

[Weirdy]

Dated 6 years, part of it long distance. Got married right before school started. She moved with me.

First semester was rough. She was not used to not having me around. I kept studying like I was single because I thought "Do everything necessary to pass".

Once we both realized our mistakes, 2nd semester went a lot smoother.

Changes that helped significantly:

- Blocking out time for each other. My ass is home between 5-6pm for dinner. If I'm running late, I grab her favorite drink or snack on the way home. On days where our schedules are off due to clinic, exams, whatever, I make sure I call her and say hi or spend some time with her as soon as I get home.

- If I do not have an exam that week, weekends are spent doing something fun for both of us. That can be anything from laying in bed all day to hiking a trail.

- Take your aggression out in the gym. Don't bring it home. Realize and be able to recognize temper/anger issues that stem from school stress. This also applies to insomnia, depression pre/post exams. Don't get home and whine about your entire day or how hard your life is. Leave that s*** at school or clinic. You signed up for this and your SO made sacrifices to be there too.

- We split house chores that we both like doing. I still do laundry + dishes + trash. She will take care of cooking, groceries, cat litter. I will walk the dog before class and on days where I come home midday briefly. No excuses for not getting house chores done.

- We take tennis lessons together once a week. Even if we fought that morning, forcing ourselves to do something together and getting our butts kicked on the court brings things into perspective. Highly recommend it.

Edit: Your girl friend has no binding obligation to stay with you during your time in medical school. If she decides to call it quits, none of the above applies. Relatives were telling me it was a mistake getting married before school. I believe it only helped to get personal relationships sorted out and locked down before starting school.

 

[beeboops]

Kinda weird that you mention she won’t understand the time commitment required by med school because she doesn’t have a college degree. It sounds somewhat condescending. I’m sure anyone could understand a concept as simple as “school is hard, and I’m gonna be studying a lot” if you, I dunno, just sat down with them and laid out some expectations/ground rules?

 

[Red_matahari]

Kinda weird that you mention she won’t understand the time commitment required by med school because she doesn’t have a college degree. It sounds somewhat condescending. I’m sure anyone could understand a concept as simple as “school is hard, and I’m gonna be studying a lot” if you, I dunno, just sat down with them and laid out some expectations/ground rules?

I can see where it sounds condescending when I mention the lack of college degree, which wasn't my intention (though she has expressed her own concerns about her insecurities of me having an MD and her not having a degree, but that's not the point here). I've spoken to a few other people whose SO are in time-consuming careers that aren't medicine (law/engineering) etc which for them they're just as busy so they don't have a hard time understanding the demands; whereas someone in a field where you work only 40 hour weeks might have a more difficult understanding why it seems like the hospital or school work always comes first.

We have talked about it--at length, but there is a difference between laying down expectations and ground rules and actually experiencing it.

 

[southpaw3]

Dated 6 years, part of it long distance. Got married right before school started. She moved with me.

First semester was rough. She was not used to not having me around. I kept studying like I was single because I thought "Do everything necessary to pass".

Once we both realized our mistakes, 2nd semester went a lot smoother.

Changes that that helped significantly:

- Blocking out time for each other. My ass is home between 5-6pm for dinner. If I'm running late, I grab her favorite drink or snack on the way home. On days where our schedules are off due to clinic, exams, whatever, I make sure I call her and say hi or spend some time with her as soon as I get home.

- If I do not have an exam that week, weekends are spent doing something fun for both of us. That can be anything from laying in bed all day to hiking a trail.

- Take your aggression out in the gym. Don't bring it home. Realize and be able to recognize temper/anger issues that stem from school stress. This also applies to insomnia, depression pre/post exams. Don't get home and whine about your entire day or how hard your life is. Leave that s*** at school or clinic. You signed up for this and your SO made sacrifices to be there too.

- We split house chores that we both like doing. I still do laundry + dishes + trash. She will take care of cooking, groceries, cat litter. I will walk the dog before class and on days where I come home midday briefly. No excuses for not getting house chores done.

- We take tennis lessons together once a week. Even if we fought that morning, forcing ourselves to do something together and getting our butts kicked on the court brings things into perspective. Highly recommend it.

Edit: Your girl friend has no binding obligation to stay with you during your time in medical school. If she decides to call it quits, none of the above applies. Relatives were telling me it was a mistake getting married before school. I believe it only helped to get personal relationships sorted out and locked down before starting school.

You should write a book. This is excellent advice.

 

[Weirdy]

(though she has expressed her own concerns about her insecurities of me having an MD and her not having a degree, but that's not the point here).

We have talked about it--at length, but there is a difference between laying down expectations and ground rules and actually experiencing it.

Hey man,

Regarding your girlfriend's insecurities about not having a degree: gas her up when you get home.

If she's bringing it up during serious conversations, what she needs are supportive answers.
If she brings it up often to the point of being whiny, that's a different story.

Having someone not in the medical field also has its perks:

-She won't put up with your "Woe is me medical student" bs when you get home, because she (hopefully) is also putting in the time and work to help both of you get where you want to be.
-She'll be there to keep you grounded when you've got your head so far up your a** about being a hotshot doctor. Outside of the SDN hivemind, no one really cares, and that's OK. Its kind of relaxing.
-She'll be there to keep you grounded when you feel inadequate as a student/resident/attending/whatever stage in front of others
-She'll be there to take care of things you physically cannot take care of due to hours at school/clinic/hospital/whatever

All of the above assuming she's a good person. I don't know your relationship or her character.

I'm also going to leave you with this:
My wife works right now and is paying for a lot of things to help me through school.
I told my wife I'd buy her an Audi TT-RS when I start making big bucks. She looked at me and said "Screw that, I'm buying my own car."

It is perfectly ok for your girlfriend to have her own goals and pursue them. Build her confidence so she can get there.

 

[Red_matahari]

Hey man,

Regarding your girlfriend's insecurities about not having a degree: gas her up when you get home.

If she's bringing it up during serious conversations, what she needs are supportive answers.
If she brings it up often to the point of being whiny, that's a different story.

Having someone not in the medical field also has its perks:

-She won't put up with your "Woe is me medical student" bs when you get home, because she (hopefully) is also putting in the time and work to help both of you get where you want to be.
-She'll be there to keep you grounded when you've got your head so far up your a** about being a hotshot doctor. Outside of the SDN hivemind, no one really cares, and that's OK. Its kind of relaxing.
-She'll be there to keep you grounded when you feel inadequate as a student/resident/attending/whatever stage in front of others
-She'll be there to take care of things you physically cannot take care of due to hours at school/clinic/hospital/whatever

All of the above assuming she's a good person. I don't know your relationship or her character.

I'm also going to leave you with this:
My wife works right now and is paying for a lot of things to help me through school.
I told my wife I'd buy her an Audi TT-RS when I start making big bucks. She looked at me and said "Screw that, I'm buying my own car."

It is perfectly ok for your girlfriend to have her own goals and pursue them. Build her confidence so she can get there.

Haha nottttt that it matters all that much but I'm a girl (we're a lesbian couple)

I am supportive though, idc that she doesn't have a degree, as long as she's happy and passionate about what she does it doesn't matter. Perks is that she can also carry a kid if I don't want to be a pregnant resident.

I think if she can chat with other SO of medical students and doctors I'll feel more confident that she truly knows what she's committing to in this relationship, because at the end of the day I want her to be fulfilled in our relationship and it might be hard to feel that way if your wife or gf is never home.

I really appreciate the points you brought up though, that's an excellent perspective.

 

[Goro]

My gf of 3 years is planning on moving with me when I start medical school in August (I was already accepted). We are pretty serious about our relationship and plan on eventually getting married and having kids.
My concern is that since she isnt in the medical field or related science field (she doesnt have a college degree) she wont fully understand how time consuming/demanding a career in medicine is (though we have talked about it multiple times).

Are there any current medical students who have serious significant others outside of medicine and how did it affect your relationship?

Thanks!

She needs to get used to this conversation:

Her: what are you doing?
You: studying

 

[Weirdy]

Haha nottttt that it matters all that much but I'm a girl (we're a lesbian couple)
Perks is that she can also carry a kid if I don't want to be a pregnant resident.
.

That is one hell of a perk. Didn't even think of that.

Best wishes to both of you.

 

[beeboops]

I think once she finds her own thing, she’ll feel more confident and also be able to go out and do things on her own so there will be less expectations for you to be available always, hang out constantly, whatever.

My partner eked his way through undergrad and works in a field that doesn’t require a college degree, and nothing keeps me more grounded than being able to come home and talk to someone NOT in medicine. However, I talk to him about all of my anxieties/frustrations/whatever with the whole thing and through those convos, I think he’s learned just how much work goes into this. It helps that he’s been with me through 3 different application cycles too.

Keeping communication open and nonjudgmental is key. Be open to criticism from your partner. Be able to say “I’m sorry, how do I make this better?” Like other posters have said, set down time just for her and don’t let anything encroach into that time, even if it means losing those extra few points on an exam. If this is the person you wanna be with forever, you’ll have to make some sacrifices too.

Best of luck to you two!!

 

[southpaw3]

I can see where it sounds condescending when I mention the lack of college degree, which wasn't my intention (though she has expressed her own concerns about her insecurities of me having an MD and her not having a degree, but that's not the point here). I've spoken to a few other people whose SO are in time-consuming careers that aren't medicine (law/engineering) etc which for them they're just as busy so they don't have a hard time understanding the demands; whereas someone in a field where you work only 40 hour weeks might have a more difficult understanding why it seems like the hospital or school work always comes first.

We have talked about it--at length, but there is a difference between laying down expectations and ground rules and actually experiencing it.

Before my husband started medical school (we were engaged at the time), we talked a LOT about what our lives were going to look like when he was in medical school, and I freaked out (to say the least) and wasn't sure I would be able to handle it. I was constantly stressed and worried, and I pretty much anticipated that it was going to be a horrible experience for our marriage and me personally. But, the reality was actually so much better than I ever could have imagined, and I realized I had wasted months of my life worrying about something that never came to pass.
I can't predict what it's going to be like for you and your SO, but I would like to encourage you to enjoy this time before school and not worry too much because each couple's experience is different and you can't predict what your experience is going to be like. All you can do is take the experience in stride, and like @Weirdy mentioned, make adjustments throughout the process if something isn't working. Best of luck to you both!

 

[deleted804295]

Get a prenup.

Correct me if I'm wrong but don't prenups only save the assets you have now and not future assets?

Ie. While your inheritance might be protected your future income/savings won't be.

 

[ciestar]

I talk a little bit about this in my AMA thread. My husband is not in medicine. We had a rough time during residency. However if the commitment is there, it will see you through. But being committed is not enough just in theory, you need to live out that commitment. You both need to continue to communicate about the issues that each of you is having, which there will inevitably be. If your partner can’t handle it, they can’t handle it. You won’t know until you get there. The best thing you can do is to set aside a pre-agreed amount of time for them each week, continue to make them feel wanted and loved to the best of your ability (my husband left me little post it notes that I saved and carried around on night float), but also be very clear about your expectations in terms of your residency and that for X amount of years, your residency takes priority. My husband, to his credit, listened when I talked to him about my troubles, even if he didn’t understand it initially. And that, I think, is key in a physician-nonphysician relationship: because medicine takes up so much of our life outside of work, the non-physician spouse has to be willing to delve into that world themselves, and learn about it. Gradually over the years, my husband picked up what my specialty was about, because I explained things to him. Now I show him my cases and he knows what’s going on and can even critique them a little bit.

Oh, and all that said, I absolutely second having a prenup. (I have an ironclad one, drawn up by a famous NYC divorce attorney who I am pretty sure is actually a shark in human form.) That is a good idea for any physician, regardless of the status of their relationship. Residency breaks even the strongest marriages.

Damn. Too bad I am already married and my husband will probably always make more than I do.

 

[ciestar]

Yeah. If you are the lower income spouse a prenup isn’t in your favor.
I am a different story, I make significantly more and come from a wealthy family who doesn’t feel like giving their hard earned assets and property to someone who doesn’t think their daughter is good enough to stay married to.

That’s fair.
My parents have basically zero assets. Things ive never really had to think about

 

[Tenk]

It doesn’t have to be medicine or science but you may run into issues if your significant other lacks some sort of drive. Doctors are generally driven people. We drive ourselves and those around us. If your spouse lacks any self drive, does nothing all day, and then complains about how much you work, guess what? You won’t wanna hear it! Just make sure they have some sort of self drive that will keep them busy and are not reliant on you to function.

 

[deleted804295]

It actually depends on what you work into the contract. It’s just that most people won’t agree to sign a prenup like mine —you’d have to really love someone to do it.
Mine includes inheritance, gifts, AND any future earnings up to 15 years. Black and white. If he divorces me before then, he gets nothing. I figure if we make it that long, it is fair for him to argue the “supporting the family” argument and he is entitled to get a portion, since we move or stay based on my job, not his. Also I am banking on the fact since we have already been together 10 years and 15 years from now it will be 25... that hopefully by that time we will know if we “belong” together and risk of divorce will be minimal. Oh, and after all that, my contract stipulates that after 15 years it refers to only anything we acquired together AND USED together as a family (house etc), and that there will be zero additional alimony or spousal support from the moment of divorce. So he cannot touch my bank account after the “joint assets” are divided.
Also, according to my attorney, the spouse has a right to take half without telling you and then divorce you, if you have a joint account. And you will have a devil of a time getting the money back because you can’t always prove which of you put it there. And that’s why I don’t, and never will, have a joint account of any kind.

Wait dated for 10 years?

I commend your prenup. I considered one for the longest time. Unfortunately most prenups are grounds for annulment and do not fulfill marital sacraments so I likely will not do one. I also don't come from a wealthy family so there's no incentive for me there- but if I'm written in the family will as the inheriter of the family business I might consider a prenup.

The way I see prenups is: I would never divorce no matter how bad things are (for better or for worse) but I cannot control the actions of another individual. I'm a fan of them for this reason but for my own circumstances I don't see the point.

 

[Bubblepop]

Mine includes inheritance, gifts, AND any future earnings up to 15 years. Black and white.

I didn't know that you could include future income, so thank you for sharing details. I'm literally taking notes because I anticipate a similar situation in my future. My parents will never let me marry my current SO as it stands, but a stipulation as such might help make them feel more comfortable about marriage should it come up on the table.

 

[deleted804295]

This isn't the prenup thread but can someone explain why a man wouldn't sign a prenup??? In the absence of signing one he's basically handing over his manhood and asking his ex wife to provide for him in the case of a divorce.

 

[Strawberryfilling]

It actually depends on what you work into the contract. It’s just that most people won’t agree to sign a prenup like mine —you’d have to really love someone to do it.
Mine includes inheritance, gifts, AND any future earnings up to 15 years. Black and white. If he divorces me before then, he gets nothing. I figure if we make it that long, it is fair for him to argue the “supporting the family” argument and he is entitled to get a portion, since we move or stay based on my job, not his. Also I am banking on the fact since we have already been together 10 years and 15 years from now it will be 25... that hopefully by that time we will know if we “belong” together and risk of divorce will be minimal. Oh, and after all that, my contract stipulates that after 15 years it refers to only anything we acquired together AND USED together as a family (house etc), and that there will be zero additional alimony or spousal support from the moment of divorce. So he cannot touch my bank account after the “joint assets” are divided.
Also, according to my attorney, the spouse has a right to take half without telling you and then divorce you, if you have a joint account. And you will have a devil of a time getting the money back because you can’t always prove which of you put it there. And that’s why I don’t, and never will, have a joint account of any kind.

If you don't mind me asking, without how do you guys split the normal spending? Like mortgage/bills/food/vacations?

 

[MomJeansandDadJorts]

In terms of marriage while in school, would the prenup be advised if you both are coming in with very little assets? The only stuff we have bought together are random small things and no huge assets like cars, house, stocks, etc. AFAIK it just protects previous property which would mean he couldnt take my ugly couch that nobody would ever want anyways.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

If you don't mind me asking, without how do you guys split the normal spending? Like mortgage/bills/food/vacations?

He pays for food. He also does all the housework. I pay for everything else-bills, rent, etc. I see it as something I would need to pay with or without him, so I take it as my responsibility. We buy our own things like clothes, jewelry etc. (of course if he wants to give me a gift I won’t say no) Vacations, we take turns. Once he pays, and once I pay. I’m also very cognizant of the fact that he cannot afford what I can, so I cover a large portion of the expensive vacations. We don’t really “count” how much everything costs, since that breeds trouble. It’s more of an organic understanding over the course of a decade together.

 

[deleted804295]

Yes, dated 10 years. Two engagements. I broke it off once, and then we re-“engaged.”
I didn’t know about the annulment thing. I got married in a church. There were no issues.
That’s the thing… If your spouse started out nice, but then fell into alcohol or gambling or domestic violence, a divorce might be the best thing for you and your children. Seeking an annulment is all well and good, but the money is a different story. Anyways, I see it this way: if they don’t make you happy, technically they are not fulfilling the marital sacrament in the first place, and your obligation to them is void.

I'm really considering not marrying in the church with all you have said. With no fault divorces in the United States it is insane to not get a prenup.

Why should a person who has divorced me have any right to the money that my family worked hard for? Alimony should not be a thing. Child support should be.

 

[Dr. Basketball]

Dated 6 years, part of it long distance. Got married right before school started. She moved with me.

First semester was rough. She was not used to not having me around. I kept studying like I was single because I thought "Do everything necessary to pass".

Once we both realized our mistakes, 2nd semester went a lot smoother.

Changes that that helped significantly:

- Blocking out time for each other. My ass is home between 5-6pm for dinner. If I'm running late, I grab her favorite drink or snack on the way home. On days where our schedules are off due to clinic, exams, whatever, I make sure I call her and say hi or spend some time with her as soon as I get home.

- If I do not have an exam that week, weekends are spent doing something fun for both of us. That can be anything from laying in bed all day to hiking a trail.

- Take your aggression out in the gym. Don't bring it home. Realize and be able to recognize temper/anger issues that stem from school stress. This also applies to insomnia, depression pre/post exams. Don't get home and whine about your entire day or how hard your life is. Leave that s*** at school or clinic. You signed up for this and your SO made sacrifices to be there too.

- We split house chores that we both like doing. I still do laundry + dishes + trash. She will take care of cooking, groceries, cat litter. I will walk the dog before class and on days where I come home midday briefly. No excuses for not getting house chores done.

- We take tennis lessons together once a week. Even if we fought that morning, forcing ourselves to do something together and getting our butts kicked on the court brings things into perspective. Highly recommend it.

Edit: Your girl friend has no binding obligation to stay with you during your time in medical school. If she decides to call it quits, none of the above applies. Relatives were telling me it was a mistake getting married before school. I believe it only helped to get personal relationships sorted out and locked down before starting school.

^This. Excellent advice.

 

[Strawberryfilling]

I'm really considering not marrying in the church with all you have said. With no fault divorces in the United States it is insane to not get a prenup.

Why should a person who has divorced me have any right to the money that my family worked hard for? Alimony should not be a thing. Child support should be.

I do think alimony is still valid for some situations. Like if one spouse quit their job for x amount of years to take care of the household/children. If it was a long time, that spouse will have a harder time getting back into the job market, and when they do will take a huge pay cut compared to what they would have been earning had they been working the entire marriage, but them not working directly benefitted their spouse for the duration of the marriage. For most cases though i would agree with you.
Edit: this to me probably applies more for divorces that are civil and not precluded by cheating and such. And also I think there is a limit to what should be given

 

[Bubblepop]

I do think alimony is still valid for some situations. Like if one spouse quit their job for x amount of years to take care of the household/children. If it was a long time, that spouse will have a harder time getting back into the job market, and when they do will take a huge pay cut compared to what they would have been earning had they been working the entire marriage, but them not working directly benefitted their spouse for the duration of the marriage. For most cases though i would agree with you.
Edit: this to me probably applies more for divorces that are civil and not precluded by cheating and such. And also I think there is a limit to what should be given

The great thing about prenups is that they are highly customizable and unique to each individual/couple, so you can include items that you feel like is needed and omit anything else. If someone feels alimony is fair game but would like a limit (or maybe a function based on length of marriage), that definitely can be included. Coming to an agreement with the spouse-to-be though, that's the challenge.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

The great thing about prenups is that they are highly customizable and unique to each individual/couple, so you can include items that you feel like is needed and omit anything else. If someone feels alimony is fair game but would like a limit (or maybe a function based on length of marriage), that definitely can be included. Coming to an agreement with the spouse-to-be though, that's the challenge.

Yep. And if they are categorically against prenups, it does make you wonder....

 

[chemdoctor]

Agree. Just as the bored stay at home wife may lose interest in her marriage, so can the surgeon husband start an affair with his nurse/rep/admin etc, leaving his wife in the dust after she spent 20 years raising their kids and gave up her job to do so. In such situations, the wife should absolutely get alimony for her lost wages.
For me, I don’t think my husband can make such an argument anyway because he doesn’t lose wages — he works from home and has continued to do so, married or unmarried, so the marriage doesn’t affect him (short of the travel he has to do occasionally).

You have that man whipped don’t you! just kidding hehe

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

You have that man whipped don’t you! just kidding hehe

No. We are partners. But I have never been anything other than what I am; what you see is what you get. He has always known who I am and what I am about, and has had years to seek out something else if he’d wanted. When we broke our engagement, and even when we had issues, he was free to go. He chose to stay, and I respect him for that. I’m easy to fall in love with, but not easy to live with or love long-term. He can handle it. Other men could not. So who is the better man?

 

[chemdoctor]

No. We are partners. But I have never been anything other than what I am. He has always known who I am and what I am about, and has had years to seek out something else if he’d wanted. When we broke our engagement, and even when we had issues, he was free to go. He chose to stay, and I respect him for that. I’m easy to fall in love with, but not easy to live with or love long-term. He can handle it. Other men could not. So who is the better man?

You’re easy to fall in love with? LOL just kidding. I know I know. I was just teasing hehe... if you don’t mind me asking, why did you break it off?

 

[doc05]

Alimony should not be a thing.

Kind of foolish to say that.

 

[doc05]

Correct me if I'm wrong but don't prenups only save the assets you have now and not future assets?

Ie. While your inheritance might be protected your future income/savings won't be.

Depends on how it’s written. But if one spouse has a dramatically higher earning potential, it’s something to think about. Find a lawyer and discuss.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

You’re easy to fall in love with? LOL just kidding. I know I know. I was just teasing hehe... if you don’t mind me asking, why did you break it off?

I fell in love with someone else. Couldn’t in good faith stay engaged while I felt how I felt.

 

[curbsideconsult]

That is a good idea for any physician, regardless of the status of their relationship.

Excellent advice. Palimony is also a thing.

 

[chemdoctor]

I fell in love with someone else. Couldn’t in good faith stay engaged while I felt how I felt.

Wow... that’s... intense

 

[puahate]

Orthos are ruthless

 

[BigRedBeta]

Didn't meet my wife until I was in my second year of fellowship and so of course had to date a lot through the various parts of this journey.

Truth be told, I enjoyed dating non-medical people considerably more. This was probably for a couple different reasons.

• First, it was such a challenge to create time for each other, medicine is not the most flexible of careers and in many cases, particularly through schooling and training, you are not in control of your schedule and have to be places when other people expect you to be there. Even as an attending, it's not the same as my non-medical friends who can sneak a long lunch break in to see a person they are dating. Multiply that lack of flexibility x 2 and it can be hard even to connect.
• Second, I have a harder time being sympathetic to someone who is doing something I'm also doing...maybe that's harsh on my part but it's kind of like how they always say male OB/GYN's are gentler because female OB/GYNs are like "just get over it, I know what it's like and it's not that bad".
• Third, while I love talking shop with colleagues, it's hard enough for me as it is to turn off that "doctor" part of my brain, that when I was with a medical person, it never shut off, which wasn't healthy for me. Particularly when I was a med student and dating another med student, that time to spend with non-medical people just got sucked up by her and it was like we never left the hospital.

Now, what I did appreciate about medical people is that my accomplishments never forced people to feel unequal or somehow less important, which happened a lot with non-medical people. For fellowship I moved to a much bigger city and went on a ton of first dates before meeting my wife and it was challenging when I met women who would say things like "well my job's not anything important like yours" or worse imply that I was somehow a better person than they were because I was a PICU fellow. It was a stumbling block for more than a handful of women I tried to date for sure, that discrepancy between the status of their job and mine (not even talking financially, just the perception of our careers).

As for your situation, the fact that you are worried about it now is a good sign. Remember that concern later on. Make sure y'all continue to do things together and with other non-medical people as well, because all the medical school social events (if you decide to go) won't be nearly as fun for her as they will for you.

 

[atomi]

That is correct. And yet you’d be surprised how many people would consider it an “insult” to said manhood to sign a prenup in the first place. “If you truly loved me” blah blah blah. Women do it too. And of course, men and women, all people, love free s**t if they can get away with getting it. It’s human nature.

It’s refreshing to be reminded that there are women out there with practical and logical opinions such as yours.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

It’s refreshing to be reminded that there are women out there with practical and logical opinions such as yours.

There are many, many of us. We are just quieter than the pussyhat crowd.

 

[965978]

No. We are partners. But I have never been anything other than what I am; what you see is what you get. He has always known who I am and what I am about, and has had years to seek out something else if he’d wanted. When we broke our engagement, and even when we had issues, he was free to go. He chose to stay, and I respect him for that. I’m easy to fall in love with, but not easy to live with or love long-term. He can handle it. Other men could not. So who is the better man?

So much savage in one post.

You're a true ortho surgeon. Love it!

 

[965978]

Life doesn’t always go the way one wants, or even expects. Sometimes you make egregious errors. I paid dearly for mine— nearly with my life. The man I fell in love with was a habitual cheater. Multiple broken women in his wake etc etc... but he was charming, and accomplished, and he said he loved me. I knew he was dangerous—he told me himself. But, being young and idealistic and very stubborn, I thought I would be different. I thought I could change him because he was “the one,” and if I just loved him enough, with my bright and burning love, it would be okay. (Isn’t that always the story... the willfully, *****ically blind, following the wicked.) When he inevitably cheated on me, it sent me into a depression that nearly caused me to commit suicide; thankfully I caught myself in time and got help (I had never had depression before and had no idea what was happening to me). Life moves on, as must we all.

This gave me an intense triggering flashback of an abusive relationship my sister was in 8 years ago. I've watched several Ted talks about this and the hallmark of an abusive/cheating male partner is that they try to charm you out of your doubts for them. They're like a pretty fire: you know you'll get burned but you can't help putting your hand in there.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

This gave me an intense triggering flashback of an abusive relationship my sister was in 8 years ago. I've watched several Ted talks about this and the hallmark of an abusive/cheating male partner is that they try to charm you out of your doubts for them. They're like a pretty fire: you know you'll get burned but you can't help putting your hand in there.

I think any partner, male or female, who is abusive has those traits. Sociopathy is unfortunately not reserved to males. Humans can suck sometimes.

 

[stickgirl390]

My fiancé and I had been together 9 years when medical school started. He is not in a science field. He is incredibly supportive and has a strong independent side to his personality, two traits which I think contribute to the success of our relationship during medical school. Being an understanding person is important, but your girlfriend will also need to be fairly independent when it comes to making friends, doing things around the house, finding a job, etc. You’re not going to be around much once school starts.

 

[atomi]

There are many, many of us. We are just quieter than the pussyhat crowd.

What? No way. Next you’re going to be saying really crazy things like you think Valentine’s Day and diamond engagement rings are made up scams that you don’t care about.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

What? No way. Next you’re going to be saying really crazy things like you think Valentine’s Day and diamond engagement rings are made up scams that you don’t care about.

I am ok with Valentine’s Day, don’t feel strongly one way or the other. And I love diamonds.

 

[atomi]

I am ok with Valentine’s Day, don’t feel strongly about one or the other. And I love diamonds.

Ah ha!

Edit: Aww, you edited it to make it more reasonable

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

Ah ha!

For me it is cultural and also related to growing up poor. I am quite girly and love shiny things. Shiny jewelry, clothes, drills...

 

[atomi]

For me it is cultural and also related to growing up poor. I am quite girly and love shiny things. Shiny jewelry, clothes, drills...

That’s all fine. I wear a $5,000 wristwatch daily.

Nothing wrong with diamonds per se, just the engagement ring scam!

 

[atomi]

I see it as an investment to pass on to my children. Good diamonds and vintage estate jewelry increase in value. Both of my cousins are jewelers so I’m very familiar with the different types of diamonds and what makes things valuable. My own engagement ring is not very large, but it is extremely high-quality.

The diamond market is nonsensical.

I got a good deal on a diamond engagement ring online, probably half of what I would have paid for in a store. I luckily dodged a bullet and didn’t need to use it but it took 2 years to sell and finally sold it on eBay for half of what I bought it for.

I can’t see them as good investments. Family heirlooms, sure.

I’m convinced the only way not to get ripped off if you must capitulate to the ring scam is buying it from someone desperate on eBay (not a jeweler selling on eBay), stripping the stone (s) and letting the girl pick her own setting.

Also, in regards to 4c’s, carat matters at least 95%. Other 3 are trivial at best. Tip to the suckers: Buy the biggest stone you can afford and buy it second hand. It doesn’t matter if a diamond is used. It’s a diamond and literally the definition of indestructiblity.