Medical students dating/marrying people not in medical or science field?

Discussion in 'Pre-Medical - MD' started by Red_matahari, Feb 6, 2019.

  1. ClamShell

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    This gave me an intense triggering flashback of an abusive relationship my sister was in 8 years ago. I've watched several Ted talks about this and the hallmark of an abusive/cheating male partner is that they try to charm you out of your doubts for them. They're like a pretty fire: you know you'll get burned but you can't help putting your hand in there.
     
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  2. OrthoTraumaMD

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    I think any partner, male or female, who is abusive has those traits. Sociopathy is unfortunately not reserved to males. Humans can suck sometimes. :(
     
  3. stickgirl390

    stickgirl390 I tell chemistry jokes periodically.
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    My fiancé and I had been together 9 years when medical school started. He is not in a science field. He is incredibly supportive and has a strong independent side to his personality, two traits which I think contribute to the success of our relationship during medical school. Being an understanding person is important, but your girlfriend will also need to be fairly independent when it comes to making friends, doing things around the house, finding a job, etc. You’re not going to be around much once school starts.
     
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  4. atomi

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    What? No way. Next you’re going to be saying really crazy things like you think Valentine’s Day and diamond engagement rings are made up scams that you don’t care about.
     
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  5. OrthoTraumaMD

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    I am ok with Valentine’s Day, don’t feel strongly one way or the other. And I love diamonds.
     
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  6. atomi

    atomi Member
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    Ah ha!

    Edit: Aww, you edited it to make it more reasonable :(
     
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  7. OrthoTraumaMD

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    For me it is cultural and also related to growing up poor. I am quite girly and love shiny things. Shiny jewelry, clothes, drills...
     
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  8. atomi

    atomi Member
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    That’s all fine. I wear a $5,000 wristwatch daily.

    Nothing wrong with diamonds per se, just the engagement ring scam!
     
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  9. OrthoTraumaMD

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    I see it as an investment to pass on to my children. Good diamonds and vintage estate jewelry increase in value. Both of my cousins are jewelers so I’m very familiar with the different types of diamonds and what makes things valuable. My own engagement ring is not very large, but it is extremely high-quality.
     
  10. atomi

    atomi Member
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    The diamond market is nonsensical.

    I got a good deal on a diamond engagement ring online, probably half of what I would have paid for in a store. I luckily dodged a bullet and didn’t need to use it but it took 2 years to sell and finally sold it on eBay for half of what I bought it for.

    I can’t see them as good investments. Family heirlooms, sure.

    I’m convinced the only way not to get ripped off if you must capitulate to the ring scam is buying it from someone desperate on eBay (not a jeweler selling on eBay), stripping the stone (s) and letting the girl pick her own setting.

    Also, in regards to 4c’s, carat matters at least 95%. Other 3 are trivial at best. Tip to the suckers: Buy the biggest stone you can afford and buy it second hand. It doesn’t matter if a diamond is used. It’s a diamond and literally the definition of indestructiblity.
     
  11. OrthoTraumaMD

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    Not about carat. Both my cousins are not only jewelers but also gemologists and went to college for it. Clarity matters most and that’s what resells. All mine are vvs1. But I buy my diamonds as just the stones from my cousins and then have settings made custom. I would pay twice as much in a store. The stores always upcharge cause they want to make money. I can see how some people may view it as a scam, but just like gold, diamonds do not lose value because of their rarity. At least if you get a good one. That is how my cousins explained it to me.
    But regardless, scam or not, getting expensive things for women is very important for us, because the quality of things your man buys is reflective of how much he values you in my culture. I actually had a big fight with my mother because she wanted me to wear her 5 carat ring on my wedding day, so that the guests would not think that I married a cheap man because my ring was smaller. I refused… My husband spent 80% of his life savings on it, and I wanted to respect that. But it probably did cause a huge amount of gossip in our community, how a wealthy and successful woman like me could’ve married somebody who was “poor.” My family probably weathered some crap for that… Because I married somebody outside of medicine, who was not from my culture, and who was obviously significantly less wealthy given the state of my ring. I did put my foot down for that, and I’m glad I did.
     
    #61 OrthoTraumaMD, Feb 9, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2019
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  12. Sunbodi

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    You could always try a gold bridal set instead and maybe a cheaper diamond ring to appease the woman.

    Edit: The gold tends to work more with Eastern cultures... Not sure how it would be perceived by a woman with no ties to the East. Just bite the bullet and pay for the engagement ring I suppose. At the end of the day it's to make her happy not to be an investment on your part.
     
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  13. Dr. Stalker

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    Current MS1. About half the relationships are med student to med student, the other half are like yours. Career, degree, pedigree don't really matter. So long as you and her are a good fit and willing to endure the challenges of hectic work schedule (notice I said work schedule - resident, law intern, junior professor - doesn't matter, work is work) you'll be fine. Many residents date non-health care folk and routinely have low key cute dates in the residents room or hospital cafeteria to make things work.
     
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  14. Goro

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    Sounds like there's a story there!!!!!
     
  15. Dr. Stalker

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    Back when my folks married it wasn't even about rings...it was an old school marriage. Property, acres and acres, were given between the two families as well as a good amount of livestock lol.

    Would a woman appreciate some sheep and like 10 acres of our land instead of an engagement ring...?
     
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  16. OrthoTraumaMD

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    Depends on the sheep!!
     
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  17. Mike Bagwell

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    People exaggerate the whole married into medicine idea.

    My mother, a now tenured professor, has been married to my anesthesiologist father for 37 years now. My sister is an ophthalmologist married to a commercial pilot for 12 years now, and my girlfriend is a grade school teacher.

    If there is ANY problem in your relationship and you just so happen to be a doctor or married to a doctor, I am telling you that medicine is not the cause...you're just probably not married to the right person or you have some unrealistic expectations of medicine and how your life now revolves around it.

    My dad was working 30 hours shifts in Queens, NY in the 80's. Where on earth do residents do that type of work anymore? My mom wasn't bitching about it; she knew what she signed up for. The "hard" part of medicine has long passed (along with the serious money.)

    Seriously, way too much dramatics on this forum. You guys need to stop watching too much medical reality TV. That's not medicine.

    Medicine wouldn't even fall into the top 10 most stressful professions and I don't care what your specialty is. It's all dramatics. If you're a doctor and you're stressing, well you're just not confident. That's all it is. Smart doctors know how much work to take on and what their limitations are.

    With marriage, just make sure you marry your soul mate. It's a real thing my family is 3/3 and counting.
     
  18. atomi

    atomi Member
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    Surgical residents do 30 hour shifts commonly.

    Medicine is absolutely in the top 10 stressful professions. Mistakes directly kill people and we bear the liability for that.

    Soul mates don’t exist. There are 4 billion potential partners for you. There’s statistically a lot more than one that will be fine.
     
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  19. Mike Bagwell

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    1. No it's absolutely not in the top 10
    2. It's very hard to kill a patient. Mistakes are something entirely different.
    3. Soul mates do exist
    4. You need to explore the world outside of medicine because I think it's got you jaded.
     
  20. emergentmd

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    Making this all way to complicated. If you two are meant to be and truly care of each other, you will make it through stronger. If you are not, then this will break you which it is better to know now than when it gets much harder in your career and a few kids.

    My Ex and I never fought, had a committed relationship, and all that good stuff. Did well in long distance relationship, did well in same city. Had an argument once in 7 years. Yes..... ONE and over something really stupid looking back.
    Didn't work out when I started residency. It had nothing to do with residency. Glad it happened in residency than after with 3 kids.

    Now married. Relationship was much more difficult at first. More debates. More disagreements. But we are always on the same page and are great partners during difficult times. Now rarely argue even as it is more difficult with a medical career and 3 kids.

    Yes, you heard it right. Being married, a medical career, kids, spouses family, finances, etc is MUCH more work/stress than being in residency and not married. I trained before hour limits. Did 36 hrs straight all the freaking time. Slept in unthinkable places out of sheer exhaustion too many times to count. Yelled at by residents for just being the convenient punching bag. Woke up many times in a daze and disoriented.

    Don't overthink it. Be who you are. Let your partner be who they are. If this doesn't work out, then best to know early than when kids are involved.
    Try too hard now may work but later on in life this will create alot of stress. Residency is not the most difficult time of your life.
     
    #70 emergentmd, Feb 11, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2019
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  21. emergentmd

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    Yeah he is whipped. Poor lost soul.
     
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  22. chemdoctor

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    I mean it did kinda sound like it tbh...
     
  23. MedicineZ0Z

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    You people are wayyyyy over thinking this. If you like someone and they like you, then go for it and see how it goes. Lack of time is always a bs excuse. You make time for what you want to do and save time by being faster/efficient with your work.
     
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  24. emergentmd

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    You meet Guy A and he loves to stay home 99% of the time while you like to go out. This tears your relationship apart.
    You meet Guy B and he loves to stay home 99% of the time while you like to go out. You seem to enjoy staying home and hanging out.

    The only difference is you and B match for sometimes unknown reasons. You and A would still not get along if he loves to go out.
     
  25. atomi

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    Just to clarify where are you in the medical training process?
     
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  26. OrthoTraumaMD

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    Not even in med school. Don’t feed the troll, @atomi.

    But it is sad, to be serious for a second. Medicine has enormously high suicide rates compared to the general public, and we sweep it under the rug.
     
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  27. OrthoTraumaMD

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    So men who sacrifice something for a partner with a more demanding life are now “whipped?” Okay
     
  28. doctorcocter

    doctorcocter Probationary Status

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    Lol. Gonna have to disagree with #3
     
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  29. chemdoctor

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    We’re jus teasing you ;P
     
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  30. Mike Bagwell

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    I'm a first year. Does that change anything?
     
  31. longhaul3

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    It explains why you think:

    1. Medicine is not one of the 10 most stressful professions
    2. It is hard to kill a patient

    It is indeed hard to kill a patient as a first year med student, though.
     
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  32. Mike Bagwell

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    You're precisely one of those people that ruins it or confuses a lot of people who genuinely want to go into medicine for the right reasons but think they are going to encounter miserable people like you all day all along the way.

    Do you come from a family of physicians or is this your first foray into the field? If you're a first-generation physician, you really have a long ways to go before you start lecturing people on the effects this career may or may not have on their life based on what you have seen or even experienced in the short time you have been in the field.

    Some of these youngsters might be entertained by your cheeky or dramatic commenting but I've seen zero substance with what you have to say. You're just hiding behind that "physician" tag and anyone who has grown up in medicine can see right through that and come up with the appropriate profile.

    I suggest you wait a decade before you decide what this career is or isn't.
     
  33. Mike Bagwell

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    :smack:
     
  34. OrthoTraumaMD

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    Oh my goodness, “see right through that?” I come from a long line of physicians, as in both parents and a grandparent. I myself have been a physician for more than a decade, honey. I have also lost colleagues to suicide, and nearly did so myself due to the stress of this field. I love my job (as evidenced by my story of going into medicine literally being the second link on “essential sdn wisdom for med students”—maybe you missed that lol), but I’m not blind to its realities.

    The trolling attempt is amusing, but on the small chance you really are this dumb and somehow snuck past the adcoms to get into med school, I have a good quote for your future: “better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”
     
    #84 OrthoTraumaMD, Feb 11, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2019
  35. OP
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    Red_matahari

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    Hi hello, OP here.

    Now I really do appreciate all the advice @OrthoTraumaMD and @atomi have mentioned considering their own experiences with dating in medicine and Ortho's decade of doctoring experience, and I'm sure as a medical student @Mike Bagwell has his own opinions, but the three of you also began arguing in the Modern Dreads thread and as entertaining as it is, I would really reallllyyyyy appreciate this post to stick to personal experiences with dating a non-medical/scientist rather than bagging on each other.

    I have the utmost respect for OrthoTraumaMD and all that you've experienced and I think all the advice you gave is very helpful, so thank you very much for that--I definitely agree with many of the points you made. And I appreciate your optimism Bagwell, and as someone who is a medical student, you can speak to a more recent medical student specific experience.

    Not trying to step on toes, just trying to bring this discussion away from the animosity that wasn't resolved on a previous thread (Modern Dreads).
    That's just my two cents anyways.
     
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    #85 Red_matahari, Feb 11, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2019
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  36. Mike Bagwell

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    You are delusional. If you are coming from a long line of physicians then they probably didn't teach you anything worthwhile.

    Good luck. You're the doctor nobody aspires to be.
     
  37. OrthoTraumaMD

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    Thank you! Will try to not feed trolls when I can. :) especially those who believe in magical things like soul mates.
     
  38. Matthew9Thirtyfive

    Matthew9Thirtyfive Class of 2023!
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    You guys were just warned about this on another thread. I suggest you place each other on ignore. Keep this thread professional please.
     
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