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Meeting a Mate When Your in Medicine

Discussion in 'Medical Students - MD' started by dr.sof, Mar 7, 2000.

  1. dr.sof

    dr.sof Member
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    Here's a thought. I've noticed among my single female resident friends a recurring theme. We can't meet a decent guy, let alone find someone within the medical profession, like us. It is hard enough finding someone when you are just a single working female. Being in the medical profession makes it that much harder. Any thoughts? Any suggestions?
     
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  3. dr.sof

    dr.sof Member
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    OK, I meant you're...my bad.:)
     
  4. Andre

    Andre Member
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    Here is my humorous advice to single future Doc's:
    Do NOT look for a mate in the Med School.
    For continuing Bliss in Marriage, only one partner should wear the "pants" in the Family;
    hence look for a gentleman with less career, less education, maybe even younger.
    (I have the happiest marriage ever, since 13 years, she is MD, I am an Engineer)
    Now how to meet such Mr Right:
    Buy a flashy Red Sports car (BMW Z8, Corvette, Mercedes 500SL, Porsche)
    Head for the nearest beach...
    Good luck,
    Andre Gurses, MSME, PE
     
  5. psi1467

    psi1467 Senior Member
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    I wish you luck Dr. sof. I can tell you that men have needs too, so hopefully something for you will turn up. I am not yet in med school, but I am single and I one day may be in your shoes. Except that I will be looking for that perfect woman. I'm not worried though, things will come together. Best of luck.
     
  6. DO Boy

    DO Boy Senior Member
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    This thought has occurred to me also. I'm currently on the rocks (maybe hills would be more appropriate) with my girlfriend of three years. i'll be MS-1 at TCOM this August, and so i'm wondering what's in store for me (and us).

    If my girlfriend and i call it off, i hope i can find "decent" mates (females in this case) much like the original poster of this thread.

    Of course, I wasn't really looking when I met my current girlfriend, and we still love each other like crazy (but still on the hills -- hmmm does that make any sense?).

    DO boy

     
  7. dr.sof

    dr.sof Member
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    As far as relationships go, med school is SOOO unpredicatable. I've seen marriages and long relationships fall apart, but I've also seen the opposite. I've have seen my share of success stories and failures. However, many of the relationships that started in med school, usually don't last. In my class alone, I have only seen two exceptions and a multitude of failures. From a female point of view, many of us don't want to get into relationships with our colleagues. Maybe it is the competition thing. In my case, I just didn't like the guys in my class. Talk about insensitive jerks! Mucho ego problems:) I've found it easier dating guys who weren't in my class.
     
  8. darly

    darly Member
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    I thought that it was easier to meet people when you are doing residency. I mean, you're actually out in the world interacting with real people again. Is that not the case? I'll be starting med school in the fall, and the idea of being single for the next four years does not appeal to me much. Please tell me if I have a chance of meeting a potential mate in school.
     
  9. MedGuy

    MedGuy New Member

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    Plenty of chances to meet potential in medschool. I see medstudents pairing up all the time. You will see opposite sex together everywhere: classes, library, cafeteria, gym, even living together (even gettin the same grades together... hehe just kiddin). But it sure won't be like what it was in undergrad.
     
  10. dr.sof

    dr.sof Member
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    Residency is a difficult and time consuming portion of your medical education. I know of several people who went through their entire residency without a serious relationship. The question you have to ask yourself is "Could I go into a relationship with a fellow resident"? Remember, you would be seeing this person day in and day out for "x" number of years in a high stress situation. If you can handle that, go for it. Some people like to retreat from medicine and date people who are not in the feild. This too could be a problem. Few people are understanding of the job demands and time constraints that residents have. It's hard. Just the other day I went to a single's mixer that was held for single FP residents(brought to you by Pfeizer). Great concept, but no one mingled. There were three residencies represented and we all remained in our own little groups. Has anyone had any similar experiences?
     
  11. cbc16

    cbc16 Junior Member
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    Dr. sof,
    I've noticed in another post you went to SGU. As a former SGU student myself, who met his wife (also a SGU student) in Grenada, I find it hard to feel empathy for you. You know what it's like down there, 4:1 guy-girl ratio! Granted, many of them are unacceptable as mates, but it still leaves a female student with many options. As for your situation now, its not as grave as you think. You just need to find people with the same interests as you, through church, the gym, clubs, ect. Trust me, you'll have time to do these things in residency. My wife and I are both residents and we still get to spent a decent amount of time together outside of work, as well as getting out of our apartment and doing things together.
    Good luck in your career and love life!
     
  12. dr.sof

    dr.sof Member
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    cbc, I'm glad you were lucky to find your wife. Unfortunately, my class was 60% female(the first time this had ever happened at SGU-figures)! I did do the whole SGU dating scene. However, I found that people were more interested in analyzing their class ranking than talking about things other than medicine. There were times I felt that I was having the exact same conversation, EVERY day! I'm sure there were good guys down there. I think they were stuck in the lecture hall!;-) Thanks for the suggestions.
     
  13. dr.sof

    dr.sof Member
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    So what do you all think about meeting people at the food store? Could Mr. Right be roaming the frozen food section?
     
  14. He could be following closely at the foodstore. He usually wears a long trenchcoat, ready and aiming with his Freedom blaster. Look below his coat, if all you see are black socks and shoes, DUCK!!! You could always come and join me for a FREEEEDDDDOOOOMMMM DANCE!!

    I'll be waiting with 2 snickers ICE CREAM bars!!! FREEEDDDOOOOMMM!!
     
  15. Andre

    Andre Member
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    Dr Sof:
    I do like your question; and having done much more than my share of Dating/Flirting, I would risk a major flaming here and give you my humble opinion.
    Any man who lingers @ frozen food section, in fact, in any grocery store, is a "Mama's Boy". (read: stay away)
    Real men live on Pretzels, Pizza & Beer until they get married.
    You will find most of them at the Beach !!
    Get your red Porsche, put on your red bikini.
    Beach is where me & my friends did most our shopping.
    If you have any, replace glasses with contacts.
    Need more advice? Just ask.
    Happy hunting..
    Andre
     
  16. Matt the Medic

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    You having a hard time finding a man and you're straight??

    Imagine how difficult it is for a gay guy like me!! I've been single for longer than anyone in the world should be single for. But I'm not bitter. I'm not, honest. [​IMG]

    Anyway, I'm off to go sulk!

    ------------------
    Good bye and good drinking!
     
  17. Brit Girl

    Brit Girl Junior Member
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    Hey Matty ! You know I've said you can call on me any time, baby (even if you ARE gay !).

    To Dr Sof:
    Don't go looking for guys, they turn up when you least expect them (or want them), so start relishing your FREEEEDOM and have as many random, drunken encounters as you possible can while you're still human enough to be able to.
    In the wise words of (I think) Diana Ross: "..you can't hurry love, no you'll just have to wait.."
    Happy hunting [​IMG]
     
  18. Matt the Medic

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    Everytime I call you, Brit Girl, you're always busy with some random man! Hmmm, threesome situation. . . . [​IMG]

    Oh yeah, I think that was Diana Ross.

    ------------------
    Good bye and good drinking!
     
  19. dr.sof

    dr.sof Member
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    Thank you all for the lovely discussion and words of wisdom! Here's a question. I have grown weary of the "bar scene". Living in suburban NJ, I have had my share of bars, movies, and the wide array of coffee shops. Does anyone have any thoughts on new and exciting socializing adventures?
     
  20. buttercup

    buttercup Senior Member
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    Dear Dr. Sof,

    I feel your pain,the dating scene just gets scarier and scarier. Don't look in bars though, girl, that's the scariest place of all! Even the few of my female friends who've met someone in a bar later regretted it (one of them married the guy only to discover him in bed with his secretary a year later!) Instead, try asking your friends to set you up, or just going to more "quiet" social events like dinner parties. It's where I met my SO, and he's definetely one of the best things that ever happened to me (I just hope it lasts through med school)

    Good luck!

     
  21. dr.sof

    dr.sof Member
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    Buttercup: I totally agree with your train of thought. There is one small problem. The rest of my friends are in the same boat! We have all tried the "let me set you up with my male friend" routine. Unfortunately, there aren't enough male friends to go around! [​IMG] I think part of my frustration is rooted in the fact that many of my friends are still into that whole "bar routine", while I have already outgrown it. [​IMG] What is a girl to do?
     
  22. dr.sof

    dr.sof Member
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  23. Moon

    Moon Member
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    seems like "decent man" is the next thing on the list of endanger species.
     
  24. dolly

    dolly Member
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    Now please. There are a lot of decent men out there. Unfortunately most of us ladies are like most of the guys, we go for visuals first. Then when we start dating Mr. Oh so good looking I could faint, we suddenly realize what's under the hood (nothing). I've found that if you approach the shy guys who aren't to fashion minded, they turn out to be some of the most decent men. And they are happy to go shopping with you. You can help them dress up real purty-like. But watch out for the other dames then, they may start to hit on your sweetie. But if he's decent to the core he'll stick by your side. Good luck girls....
     
  25. dr.sof

    dr.sof Member
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    Talking to the "shy" guys isn't the issue. I usually don't go for the "overly attractive" type either. You could say I have eclectic tastes. I think the problem we are trying to alleviate is discovering new and creative ways to meet those "shy" guys!
     
  26. Dave_soton

    Dave_soton New Member

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    Is the problem with us shyer guys, or is it the image that you prtray to us, that makes us shy. If you see a girl with all the good-looking, but thick-as-2-short-plank-type guys, then we think that you are not really interested in a guy that has more than 2 brain cells to rub together.

    Just a suggestion, that will probably be ripped apart by the hordes!
     
  27. buttercup

    buttercup Senior Member
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    Dave- What if the girl is just as shy as you?
    Does that mean the two of you will be forever in limbo, mutually attracted to one and other but too shy to say?

    Call me curious...
     
  28. dr.sof

    dr.sof Member
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    Hmmmm, now this is getting interesting. I don't find anything wrong with shy guys. What I find unfortunate is the lack of appropriate arenas/activities that would serve as "icebreakers".Let's say for instance, you're in a bar. The extremely attractive girls always get approached by forward men...shy men...who knows? Who cares!?! All the other girls seem to fall into "the grey zone". In this "zone" usually the forward men or forward women take the plunge and try to meet someone, start up a conversation,etc. Is it possible that there are more shy girls than shy guys? In my observations many of the guys in the bars at least have one or two conversations with the opposite sex. However, I usually see groups of girls that end up chatting with their friends because they have not been "approached". If there are "shy guys" out there...what have been your experiences?
    -shy girl, dr.sof [​IMG]
     
  29. dr.sof

    dr.sof Member
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    Hmmmm, now this is getting interesting. I don't find anything wrong with shy guys. What I find unfortunate is the lack of appropriate arenas/activities that would serve as "icebreakers".Let's say for instance, you're in a bar. The extremely attractive girls always get approached by forward men...shy men...who knows? Who cares!?! All the other girls seem to fall into "the grey zone". In this "zone" usually the forward men or forward women take the plunge and try to meet someone, start up a conversation,etc. Is it possible that there are more shy girls than shy guys? In my observations many of the guys in the bars at least have one or two conversations with the opposite sex. However, I usually see groups of girls that end up chatting with their friends because they have not been "approached". If there are "shy guys" out there...what have been your experiences?
    -shy girl, dr.sof [​IMG]
     
  30. dolly

    dolly Member
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    Wow this is getting long. I am from the old fashioned school that says a man is always supposed to approach the woman first. I waited for that to happen..... so I finally took the plunge and approached a man who seemed like he didn't want to be bothered. We got to talking and I found out that he had been talking to some of the other guys about me. It seems I appear "settled" so the guys think I'm married and don't approach me. Most people are afraid of not being accepted when they reach out to someone. Its difficult, and as a woman you do take a chance of being thought too forward. But it sure beats sitting alone and watching everyone else. And yes, I do soooo wish that men would feel comfortable approaching me first. But I haven't a clue either. This is part of the allure that even pre medical geniuses like ourselves will never be able to figure out.
     
  31. DO Boy

    DO Boy Senior Member
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    This is a neat conversation. I'm a decent-looking male, 160 lbs, 6'0", and exercise often. I guess you could consider me one of the more forward types in bars/clubs, so let me give you my two cents:

    Going to a place where there is dancing and the music isn't too loud (so you can hear the person talking) is one of the most fun places to meet someone interesting/special b/c you can instantly notice an attractive person. It's all a numbers game, so the more people you meet, the more "potential mates" you will meet. If you're picky, you may have a high meet-to-potential mate ratio. i.e. 100/1 or 100 people/1 possible mate that u decide to call back. But since a lot of people in these places (salsa/merengue are my favorite places!) would like to meet someone new, clubs/bars offer an excellent venue for this type of activity.

    I can't believe you've gotten me speaking like this..."potential mate" and "meet-to-potential mate ratio". Hahahah.

    just my two cents. And don't forget to dance...it's the best part!!!


    DO Boy
    MPH candidate
    TCOM '04
     
  32. dr.sof

    dr.sof Member
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    DO Boy: That indeed is a very interesting theory. My problem is finding such a place. Any suggestions in the NJ/NY area?
     
  33. Duo Degree

    Duo Degree Member
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    i admit that i was quite a clubby person myself for a long time. its funny bc i think im a 'shy guy' most of the time, but im comfortable at clubs...especially since i like to dance. i dont approach girls too often, but they end up coming up to me and we end up talking. since i am shy(kind of) and fear rejection, being on the dance floor gives me an opportunity to gauge whether or not the girl is truly interested by her actions(ie eyes and moving closer to me).

    as for the meet-to-potential mate ratio, i have heard lots of theories on this. its interesting. just wanted to add that the ratio is a floating number for most people...especially if its a bad night! [​IMG]

    seriously though, its difficult to meet someone worthwhile through this avenue. i have done in numerous occasions myself. i still think the best way is through friends and co-workers. there's no shame in "advertising" yourself.

     
  34. dr.sof

    dr.sof Member
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    OK, I don't feel SOOOOOOOOO bad. Most of my friends are still VERY SINGLE! I think we are lacking creativity. Bar thing-done it. Club thing-done it. Co-workers-done it. Hosting parties-done it. We can't even set each other up on blind dates!?! I'm kind of wishing I had the option of an arranged marriage!?! Any ceative a new ways to meet people?
     
  35. PB

    PB

    Hi,
    I really don't think that clubs/bars are a good place to meet people. Sure, it might happen that there could be just the right person for you there, but it's very unlikely. First of all, your opinion of that person is immediately distorted by the atmosphere of the club/bar. People always look better in that atmosphere and with the music, too. Wait until you see that person in daylight to judge if they're really what you thought they were. I think it's great to be friendly and meet people that way, but to go to a bar/club to meet a potential mate, that's a little too much.
    If you're looking for some different ways to meet (other than the ones already mentioned), try joining an organization, volunteering, or just doing some activity that you like. If you like rock climbing, you can easily meet people at the rock climbing place. There are many decent guys (and girls) there. I think that if you do what you enjoy and TRY not to try too hard, the right person will come along.
    PB
     
  36. rufus

    rufus Member
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    For what it's worth, I met my husband at a college basketball game. I certainly wasn't looking to meet any guy there, much less my future spouse; it happened by chance. So, if you like sports, that's a way to meet people in a different environment from the club/bar scene. Also, I agree with PB. It's pretty easy to meet people when you join organizations or clubs you'd enjoy. Odds are the other memebers share some of your interests. A friend of mine met his fiancee when they were both volunteering at an animal shelter. Oh, I saw on The Learning Channel where an engaged couple met while on vacation on one of those group tours in Europe. It might be a little expensive, but it's a creative way to meet new people [​IMG]. -rufus
     
  37. Nanon

    Nanon An urban myth.
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    I met my husband in a club...where we were both working at the time. But before that, most of the men I dated I met at cafes, bars, or through other friends.

    Here's a somewhat novel idea that worked for me. After many, many disappointing relationships, I decided to write down a list of the top ten things I wanted in a mate. Went something like this - Has to have a good sense of humor. Has to be fairly balanced. Has to be intelligent. Has to have a nice butt...etc...I met my husband two weeks later, doing his physics homework on a break at work. I'm just saying that if you're clear on what you want, then it's more likely that you'll find and recognize the person who's right for you.

    Happily married six years as of April Fools Day (wasn't kidding about needing a sense of humor)-

    Nanon
     
  38. Mayqswet

    Mayqswet Senior Member
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    To make things worse, it can very difficult to "decifer" the secret communication code of the opposite sex. I live the in south and it seems like most females here enjoy playing hard to get. They won't smile back, it's difficult to make even brief eye contact and forget about them approaching a guy - "It's just not lady like".

    Granted, I have met one or two females in bars in the past that have turned out to be compatible mates; however, it just works out so much better when you get to know someone first. I think that meeting people throug friends is a great way. However, it can be tough when all your friends are married.

    So here's my plea. If you girls decide on a place to try to meet shy guys, please let us know so we can plan on showing up. Sometimes we need to be hit in the forehead with an invitation. The subtle, flirt'n'duck methods only confuse us.

    BTW, the thing about writing down what you're looking for in a mate is a great idea. I get a good laugh when I look at my list from 10 years ago. It's amazing how things like "needs to be good listener" and "needs to enjoy a healthy lifestyle" have nudged out "has to be hot in a swim suit". Don't get me wrong, physical attration is very important; however, once you're past the late twentys, you realize that looks are relative.
     
  39. DO Boy

    DO Boy Senior Member
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    Maybe the best idea to find a mate is not to be actively looking. Sometimes just going out and having fun with your friends in whatever venue will lead you to someone "by accident". Call it fate.

    Anecdote: A good friend of mine was out at a restaurant/bar with his older sister and some friends. His sister started talking with a young lady who was out with her own friends. Soon the sister introduced my friend to her new acquaintance and BLAM-O! My friend and his sister's new acquaintance have been together for about 2.5 yrs and will be getting married Sept 1, 2001 (my second yr of med school...Ahhh!).

    So enjoy your youth, have fun, and keep an open mind no matter how stupid an activity sounds.


    DO Boy

    by the way, i've been with my girlfriend for about 3 yrs already. we met at school though. hehehe. Just goes to show you that there is no "best place" to meet your mate, so don't look too hard and "just let it happen". i think that's sound advice.

     
  40. I used to mix records in clubs; they're the last place you want to try to meet someone, unless you're looking for a k-boy or a coke fiend

    As for Dr. Sof, have you ever noticed how people who already ARE in relationships attract offers left, right and center? Largely because they exude confidence. Methinks you are probably giving off the desperately looking/needy vibes that are a turn off to potential SO's. It's when you act like you're NOT interested that people become interested.


    "He bop, she bop, we bop/I don't even understand"
     
  41. dr.sof

    dr.sof Member
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    123:
    I haven't reached "the desperate" stage yet!?! I usually spend most of my time talking to my friends. [​IMG] But thanks for the pointers. I agree with your statement regarding "settled" individuals. A friend of mine had girls flirting with him left and right AFTER he received his wedding band!?! Disgusting. He said he felt pretty awkward himself. He wife wasn't too thrilled either. The nerve of some girls!
     
  42. docflanny

    docflanny Senior Member
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    My two cents:

    I'm a single, twenty-something male who goes out frequently with many women on "speculation dates". The thing that turns me off the most about the women I date is that they are too feminine. This isn't to say that I appreciate lots of body hair, belching, or crude jokes, but many women carry with them remanants of women of the 50's, which is a turn-off. I believe that women are so much more attractive if they are confident, opinionated, athletic, and daring. This last weekend I had a woman buy me a drink and another insist on dancing with me. These actions were very bold, but effective. Dr. Sof definitely find out what you are all about and do those activities frequently in social settings, you will find the man you're seeking. If bars and clubs don't appeal to you, what about coffee houses, cultural exhibits, athletics in parks? If all else fails, dogs have been rumored to work well, while walking through parks.

    Good Luck Everyone.



    ------------------
    Matt Flannigan
    MSU Class of 2004
     
  43. dr.sof

    dr.sof Member
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    docflanny, I appreciate your insight. Unfortunately the dog thing wouldn't work-I'm violently allergic! I'm beginning to think I'm allergic to humans as well! [​IMG] While I am rather confident, I'm not so bold as to attack a man at a bar! The coffee houses will have to do!
     
  44. Research Freak

    Research Freak Junior Member
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    Crap. I just broke up from a 7 year relationship and moving from So. California to Minnesota to start med school. Reading these posts is almost enought to send me back screaming! Can we hear some happy "having a raging social life in med school" stories?? lie to me.
     
  45. Smile

    Smile Senior Member
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    I don't believe there exists such a thing as a "raging social life" for a medical student.
     
  46. Austen

    Austen Junior Member
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    Hey - don't worry about a social life. Most of my friends at the U of MN in med school have a great time. It definitely takes some adjustment (so I've heard - I'm not there, yet), but you quickly find out what is going on around campus and within your class. The different classes really appear to enjoy each other and have a good time. Will you be new to MN or moving back for med school? Despite what everyone says, it is NOT that cold. Honest.

    Have fun!
     
  47. Navy Corpsman

    Navy Corpsman Junior Member
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    Just a note to you, Dr. sof: meeting people whom you are attracted to in any setting, be it at a bar or anywhere else, can be an awkward experience. Be confident. Ask yourself the simple question of "what is the worst thing that is going to happen if I approach this person?" Forget any recitations or timid thoughts before approaching the person, just do it! Trust me, surprises often do arise. Oh, yes, most important, be yourself. A direct, human to human approach should never be forecasted by expectations or pretensions, being yourself will more than suffice. Once you do find a "soul mate," you will discover that differences often exist. Some tolerable, others not. It is the working out and acceptance of these differences that leads to a healty, long lasting, and loving relationship. Lastly, nothing is permanent, you only have one precious life to live--make the most of it.
     
  48. Carbon Klein

    Carbon Klein Senior Member
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    To Dr sof,

    If you're in the tri-state area then there's really no reason why you can't meet someone of substance. Let me tell you about when I lived in NY.

    One Sunday afternoon, I was with a buddy of mine at the Met (I'm a total art dummy) "discussing" this Van Gogh painting and this really intelligent & pretty girl approached the two of us. She started up a discussion of the painting with us and.....

    Bottom line is that there are a million places to meet someone. If you don't like the type of people who frequent clubs (aka meat markets) or bars (aka meat markets), then try going somewhere where "your type" will hang out. In Manhattan, you've got the Metropolitan Museum of Art, MoMA, the Guggenheim, the SoHo Guggenheim (my favorite)and the Whitney Museum (never been there). I never thought of art museums as social places or places to meet people, but if it happens, then it's a pleasant suprise. If you don't meet anyone there, hopefully, you'll still have a good time getting in touch with your artistic side. And if you do meet someone there, the dinner conversation might be more interesting than if you met them at Webster Hall.
     
  49. Baadnesss

    Baadnesss Junior Member

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    A wise man once told me:

    "Love is like a shadow. If you chase it, it will run from you, but as soon as you turn to leave, it's right behind you"


    TCOM '04
     
  50. Matt the Medic

    10+ Year Member

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    No 'raging social life'!?!?

    You should come to the UK to do medicine. Our degree course consists of having lots and lots of fun, drinking excessively, having a bit more fun, drinking, passing the odd exam then drinking even more. [​IMG]

    ------------------
    Good bye and good drinking!
     

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