messed up my summer research, want to make it disappear

[Izf]

I'm not MD/PhD, but figured you guys had the most knowledge about this stuff

My problem in a nutshell: I had a funded research gig, had a mental breakdown, did an abysmal job.

Q1: I feel like I cheated my PI and the grant-givers by not doing the work I said I would in my project proposal. Should I borrow money to pay them back? (~3000 PI, ~2000 from medical school, 5000 from grant.)

Q2: Can I leave the research experience out of my CV and residency app? If someone asks, I would just say that I had a personal problem or that I took a "vacation". I don't want to come off as an unreliable person who doesn't do the work she said she'd do.

Q3: If I pay back the money, am I allowed to not mention the grants on future grant proposals that require a list of all previous funding?

BASICALLY, how can I make this disappear? I would rather people think I spent the summer on a beach than to know what really happened.



Background, if you're interested: Less than a week after I started my research, which was supposed to be MS1 summer full-time and part-time MS2, something really really really horrible happened in my personal life (I'm not talking about a breakup or anything silly like that; I'm talking about serious trauma). I lost interest in everything, spent the rest of the summer dragging myself to lab (late) and spent all my time there focusing on not crying (not entirely successfully, but managed to hide it from coworkers). During MS2 I spent my limited energy on coursework and did not go in to lab nearly as often as I had promised on my grant applications. I must have started hundreds of experiments, but ran out of steam and completed 5, and I have NO data or anything that I could ethically put on a progress report.

Now that it's a year later, I have my life back and I'm energized about research again. I have a new, year long, full time unfunded position in a new lab (too much emotional baggage in the old place). I did not mention last summer and no one asked. Maybe this was unethical, but I really just didn't want to talk about it, now or ever, especially not with supervisors/ interviewers/ program directors (I tend to tear up or cry when I talk about it). which brings me to the questions above.


Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. And though the story above may make me seem fragile, I'm really not, so please don't sugar coat.



Edited to add: If you don't think I can make this go away, I would appreciate suggestions to minimize its impact on my future, especially grant proposals and residency applications.

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[Shifty B]

Q1: I feel like I cheated my PI and the grant-givers by not doing the work I said I would in my project proposal. Should I borrow money to pay them back? (~3000 PI, ~2000 from medical school, 5000 from grant.)

Hell no. I can't even imagine how you would begin to do this, or why. I understand that you feel bad about it, but honestly, research gets funded all the time that never gets done. All that happens is the grant doesn't get renewed.

Q2: Can I leave the research experience out of my CV and residency app? If someone asks, I would just say that I had a personal problem or that I took a "vacation". I don't want to come off as an unreliable person who doesn't do the work she said she'd do.

I think you can just leave this off, if you want. Your resume is your place to tout things which make you a strong candidate, not a list of every thing you ever did. If you don't think it benefits you to list it, then don't. On the other hand, no one is likely to ever ask you a detailed enough question about it to really make it look bad. If so, you can always basically tell them that it was a dead end project and didn't really get anywhere without being too specific.

Q3: If I pay back the money, am I allowed to not mention the grants on future grant proposals that require a list of all previous funding?

See answer to #1. In the case that you are asked this question, most people do not care about a small grant you got while you were a med student. You can probably leave it off.

This is not going to adversely affect you, and if you don't want to talk about it again you probably don't have to. It's unlikely someone will ask questions that specific anyway. Maybe someone else feels differently, but I think this is pretty accurate.

 

[Izf]

Thanks for the response, Shifty B!
I guess if it comes up I could always describe what I was trying to accomplish, and say that it didn't work, perhaps leaving out the part about operator error.

 

[bd4727]

Yeah people get grants all the time, work really hard on them, and come up with no important results. Usually it just doesn't get continued funding (although I have seen absolutely worthless projects get continued funding, LOL).

I really wouldn't worry about this. Minus your own personal problems, this seems like business as usual to me.

Did you turn in the progress reports? I mean I think you should have at least submitted them saying you didnt have anything to show. Otherwise, I imagine there is a potential that could be problematic with getting funding in the future from the same institution-- but as far as just medical school stuff goes I cannot imagine this would have any impact at all. In fact, I would continue to list your grant funding as an accomplishment.