I'm older than most students at University (later 20s) and I'm brown skinned. Several people act surprised when I say I'm a student here and I'm asked every now and then if I am. People seem to be confused by my presence here and it's frustrating. I walked into a TA-led study session recently and was asked if I was in the right place. This does seem to have to do with my age more than my skin color. But I have also struggled with my race when going to interviews recently. I had a bad interviewer recently who acted disinterested from the start and didn't smile or say hello as she marched toward me...She acted like she had made her decision and wanted to just get through it and be done. I figured she wouldn't invite me for an interview if this had to do with my resume and I felt pretty down last week thinking that perhaps she expected someone with a different appearance. It may not have had anything to do with my race, but I couldn't help but feel that perhaps it did.
I feel that people have their ideas about race and academics or race and capability... and it frustrates me. In fact, I decided to write a paper in critique of the sloppy attempts of certain scientists to argue that certain ethnic/racial groups are less intellectually capable and in bringing up this topic to my professor, she made some comment along the lines of "This topic can get me so frustrated.... (a bit later) It goes whites (motioned high up with her hand) and then asians (motioned below previous point with her hand)-hahaha!" English isn't her first language and I accepted the idea that she just wasn't able to get across what she was truly saying and that I was missing something. I'm usually either one of a few or the only student in my classes with some african ancestry (and I'm only half). After reading one article for a class about race and capability, which suggested that there are genetic differences among groups and that we should just accept it, I noticed before the start of the lecture a few people in the class staring at me as we were all getting settled into our seats.
I don't honestly feel that I don't belong. I enjoy the material and I do well with it. I've had several professors compliment me, my critical thinking ability and the questions I ask. I don't honestly believe that I'm less capable because of my race (or my age), but it does still frustrate me and does, in my weak moments, have me feeling pessimistic about my opportunities and whether I should even bother pursuing certain opportunities. Most labs on campus, for instance, are entirely white/asian and I feel discouraged upon seeing these pictures on their lab pages...not because I think I'm incapable, but because I get it in my head that they wouldn't bother with someone that wasn't white or asian. Racial biases are still abundantly present and I'm all too aware of this.
I feel that people have their ideas about race and academics or race and capability... and it frustrates me. In fact, I decided to write a paper in critique of the sloppy attempts of certain scientists to argue that certain ethnic/racial groups are less intellectually capable and in bringing up this topic to my professor, she made some comment along the lines of "This topic can get me so frustrated.... (a bit later) It goes whites (motioned high up with her hand) and then asians (motioned below previous point with her hand)-hahaha!" English isn't her first language and I accepted the idea that she just wasn't able to get across what she was truly saying and that I was missing something. I'm usually either one of a few or the only student in my classes with some african ancestry (and I'm only half). After reading one article for a class about race and capability, which suggested that there are genetic differences among groups and that we should just accept it, I noticed before the start of the lecture a few people in the class staring at me as we were all getting settled into our seats.
I don't honestly feel that I don't belong. I enjoy the material and I do well with it. I've had several professors compliment me, my critical thinking ability and the questions I ask. I don't honestly believe that I'm less capable because of my race (or my age), but it does still frustrate me and does, in my weak moments, have me feeling pessimistic about my opportunities and whether I should even bother pursuing certain opportunities. Most labs on campus, for instance, are entirely white/asian and I feel discouraged upon seeing these pictures on their lab pages...not because I think I'm incapable, but because I get it in my head that they wouldn't bother with someone that wasn't white or asian. Racial biases are still abundantly present and I'm all too aware of this.
