Miserable in my first week of Med School....

[Tsunnnami]

Yes, I know this is pathetic, but I just had my first week in Med School and I feel miserable already.

I know Med School is the place where everyone is smart, but in my opinion, I don't lack intelligence : all my life, I've been told that I'm intelligent. Do I think otherwise ? No, not really. However, I'm aware that I probably have more inner demons than other people can imagine and this is what often times sends me into darker places than others end up being.
For example, every student faces some anxiety at the beginning of Med School, but for me is more : it is a threat to my whole identity, it's a self-bullying question of whether I deserve to be alive or not if I can't be so great as I want to be, it's an existential claustrophobia in which I constantly feel like I'm choking.

It's hard to tell what makes me to be so edgy, but I think it's a combination of never feeling peace inside myself, never feeling good in my own skin, never feeling like I'm comfortable in this world or that my life would be reflection of inner harmony, never being truly able to relax.

It just breaks me down to see everyone around me happy, my parents so proud and so happy that I'm studying what they studied also ( they are also doctors ) , but they did it with so much joy, while I'm ashamed by the horror that I see around myself all the time.
I just can't enjoy living this experience, I see only fight wherever I look, for me every day is a day for survival, a day to prove my competence ( which I always feel that is lacking ), I simply CANNOT find joy in it, I just see a cold world and nothing more.

I know one thing and that is that I'm not going to give up - I'm damn too proud to do it and life is not worth it anymore if I can't pull this out. I'd better be dead than to live on like a disappointment. I'm not so delusional to admit that yes : if I'm a weak person, then I truly don't deserve to survive and I just use up the air unnecessarily on this planet.
However, I would like to find a way to hide my misery from others. My parents don't deserve to know that I'm such a messed-up person deep inside. They couldn't help and no one could actually. I have way too many shadows and I'm way to skeptic to let anyone help me.

I just want to live the best way I can and not hurt others. I don't want to make them suffer because of my pain, but I can't control myself sometimes. I simply don't know how to not show all the pain toward my parents and friends whom I love, I also want to not let it affect my performance as a student, I just want to handle it like a man ( I'm a woman, but you get the idea ).

Thanks for your time.

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[ShaolinMaster]

What can they teach you in your first week that caused you to doubt yourself to this extreme? I don't believe this has anything to do with medical school, seems like your using it as an excuse for other problems you've always had.

 

[guitar25]

To be honest, med school is hard enough without you being so hard on yourself. It would help you so very much to reach out for counseling. You have worked hard to get where you are. You deserve to be kinder to yourself. And a sympathetic, trained counselor could help you. Please give it a try. It may feel scary, but someone with an open perspective can help you to not beat yourself up so much. Best regards.

 

[Mad Jack]

Yes, I know this is pathetic, but I just had my first week in Med School and I feel miserable already.

I know Med School is the place where everyone is smart, but in my opinion, I don't lack intelligence : all my life, I've been told that I'm intelligent. Do I think otherwise ? No, not really. However, I'm aware that I probably have more inner demons than other people can imagine and this is what often times sends me into darker places than others end up being.
For example, every student faces some anxiety at the beginning of Med School, but for me is more : it is a threat to my whole identity, it's a self-bullying question of whether I deserve to be alive or not if I can't be so great as I want to be, it's an existential claustrophobia in which I constantly feel like I'm choking.

It's hard to tell what makes me to be so edgy, but I think it's a combination of never feeling peace inside myself, never feeling good in my own skin, never feeling like I'm comfortable in this world or that my life would be reflection of inner harmony, never being truly able to relax.

It just breaks me down to see everyone around me happy, my parents so proud and so happy that I'm studying what they studied also ( they are also doctors ) , but they did it with so much joy, while I'm ashamed by the horror that I see around myself all the time.
I just can't enjoy living this experience, I see only fight wherever I look, for me every day is a day for survival, a day to prove my competence ( which I always feel that is lacking ), I simply CANNOT find joy in it, I just see a cold world and nothing more.

I know one thing and that is that I'm not going to give up - I'm damn too proud to do it and life is not worth it anymore if I can't pull this out. I'd better be dead than to live on like a disappointment. I'm not so delusional to admit that yes : if I'm a weak person, then I truly don't deserve to survive and I just use up the air unnecessarily on this planet.
However, I would like to find a way to hide my misery from others. My parents don't deserve to know that I'm such a messed-up person deep inside. They couldn't help and no one could actually. I have way too many shadows and I'm way to skeptic to let anyone help me.

I just want to live the best way I can and not hurt others. I don't want to make them suffer because of my pain, but I can't control myself sometimes. I simply don't know how to not show all the pain toward my parents and friends whom I love, I also want to not let it affect my performance as a student, I just want to handle it like a man ( I'm a woman, but you get the idea ).

Thanks for your time.

You should seek professional help. You have some serious issues with identity, purpose, and self-worth that can't be addressed on a forum and it would be best if you figure them out now before the going gets rough. You sound like a person that could very well be a danger to themself if you don't get some serious therapy.

Medicine isn't everything. Don't tie your identity up in it. I'm MJ, brother, son, friend, generally good guy, and a hundred other things that happens to also be a medical student, not a medical student that happens to be MJ. When you define yourself as a career path, it creates an unhealthy situation in which all of your self worth must be derived externally, which is not good for numerous reasons. So go deal with this and learn to love yourself for who you are, not just your accomplishments, because it will become increasingly hard to care for others when you don't care for yourself, and your ego will always be one error or failure away from collapse.

 

[Tsunnnami]

What can they teach you in your first week that caused you to doubt yourself to this extreme? I don't believe this has anything to do with medical school, seems like your using it as an excuse for other problems you've always had.

I didn't wrote that Med School is the problem, I'm aware that it's more a psychological problem, but it doesn't make a

 

[futuremdforme]

Med school is hard and stressful. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Of course looking back on it, they'll have fondness but I'm sure your parents struggled too. Try not to focus too much on others.

I tried to get involved in ECs outside of med school to make sure med didn't become my identity. I would try that.

 

[Tsunnnami]

Thanks all for your kind words, but it seems like some of you don't get it : I can't and I won't seek any professional help.
Do you know what's the chance of finding someone who can help with this ? Close to zero.
Do you know how much time I have licking my psychological wounds ? Close to zero.
Thanks, but no thanks - I'm skeptic about "mental health professionals" anyway. Don't tell me you aren't.

The thing is, I know very well Med School is not the problem. My own mind is the problem. However, I can't just put it in a jar and buy a new one. All the demons I have going inside my mind are going to be there even 10 years from now, the question is what I do with my time. I'm sure it's not an obstacle to achieve success in Medical School, let's face it : many doctors have serious mental issues also, yet they made it through. In an ideal world, we would all be psychologically healthy, but this is not an ideal world and there are way too many factors to consider and even if one would manage to "cure" himself ( if there is such a thing at all ), life would probably pass him by.
This is what I see right now : if I give in to this psychological game that my mind plays on me and I "accept" that I need help and comfort and understand and bla bla , I would wake up one day and realize my whole life passed by and I'd wish I'd just toughen up and achieve my goals instead of getting soft on myself.

As I wrote, I don't want kind words or empathy, I want real effective advice to shake me up, to make me pull myself together, if anyone has experienced this and can talk from experience, because I don't think that " healthy " people can understand - they lack perspective. Not that I would wish them to have perspective.
It's good to be mentally balanced, but you can't possibly understand someone who is not and " go seek professional help " is not the best advice. You all know this. 90% of us never seek professional help, because we know there is no such thing anyway.
I just want to handle my life in spite of my mental disadvantages.

 

[Lawpy]

Thanks all for your kind words, but it seems like some of you don't get it : I can't and I won't seek any professional help.
Do you know what's the chance of finding someone who can help with this ? Close to zero.
Do you know how much time I have licking my psychological wounds ? Close to zero.
Thanks, but no thanks - I'm skeptic about "mental health professionals" anyway. Don't tell me you aren't.

That isn't true, and your fears/concerns are unfounded. But we wish you the best nonetheless.

 

[Tsunnnami]

That isn't true, and your fears/concerns are unfounded. But we wish you the best nonetheless.

That isn't true ? Well, that is your opinion nonetheless.
Unless you don't happen to know my life story better than me.

 

[Lawpy]

That isn't true ? Well, that is your opinion nonetheless.
Unless you don't happen to know my life story better than me.

I think you are unfairly devaluing mental health professionals for whatever reasons. But that's just me.

 

[Affiche]

The point of mental health professionals isn't to get rid of your demons, it's to teach you how to live with them in a healthy way.

I used to think counseling was completely worthless because the chances of finding a counselor whose background was as dysfunctional as mine was slim to none, and I didn't want advice from someone who couldn't image what I had lived through. Further, the circumstances causing my grief were not going to change, so I didn't see how anyone could help. When I finally asked a family friend (who was also my PCP) for anti-depressants, she made me promise to see at least two therapists before she would comply, and that was the best thing she could do for me.

Sometimes you just need someone to point out where it is in your processing that's unhealthy, and to teach you how to process things better. The circumstances causing my grief were still there, but I learned how to manage them without feeling debilitated by them. It sounds like you could benefit from that, too.

 

[SilverCat]

As I wrote, I don't want kind words or empathy, I want real effective advice to shake me up, to make me pull myself together

Advice? See a professional who can help. How do you know it won't work if you've never tried it? Schools provide free access to these services.

I can surmise that you come from a culture that looks down on anyone who seeks mental health care as "weak," but I can guarantee you, if you do nothing about your problems now, they won't just go away. You can't cure yourself of these problems by reading motivational stories online, looking up inspirational quotes on internet forums, and being told by anonymous strangers that "you can do it." You need to speak with a living person who knows how to handle these issues.

 

[Tsunnnami]

I think you are unfairly devaluing mental health professionals for whatever reasons. But that's just me.

I just happen to not be a hypocrite when it comes to what's going on in the real world.
Most people don't ever get cured - they just get treated.

No one figured out a way to cure OCD, or schizophrenia, or PTSD, or Major Depression, or any serious mental disease.
Still sounds like I'm devaluing "professionals" ?
I respect the intention of these people, but the reality is different. Wanting to help doesn't equal with actually succeeding at help.
The best help is often times the one that a person can give to himself. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't believe in putting my faith in others to fix my life.

 

[Tsunnnami]

The point of mental health professionals isn't to get rid of your demons, it's to teach you how to live with them in a healthy way.

I used to think counseling was completely worthless because the chances of finding a counselor whose background was as dysfunctional as mine was slim to none, and I didn't want advice from someone who couldn't image what I had lived through. Further, the circumstances causing my grief were not going to change, so I didn't see how anyone could help. When I finally asked a family friend (who was also my PCP) for anti-depressants, she made me promise to see at least two therapists before she would comply, and that was the best thing she could do for me.

Sometimes you just need someone to point out where it is in your processing that's unhealthy, and to teach you how to process things better. The circumstances causing my grief were still there, but I learned how to manage them without feeling debilitated by them. It sounds like you could benefit from that, too.

I'm not saying counseling is worthless. I just consider that I don't have the time to invest in that.
I live in a country that isn't a great example of mental health anyway. My parents pay a lot of money for me to be a Medical student and I have a lot to study, plus I need to get my exercising and my sleep hours, in order to not aggravate my health problems.
Besides, I wouldn't find a person who can help me. My problem is that I find it incredibly hard to study with all the pain I feel inside my head every day. But I still need to study and that would be impossible if I would spend time with talking to someone about my problems.
I DON'T HAVE TIME - I don't know how to express this better.

 

[Affiche]

Dude, I'm a medical student, too. I get the feeling of not having time. But, based on what you're saying, your mental state is so debilitating that you can't focus on school anyway, so you should really prioritize 1 hour a week (which you have time for) to go see someone. You might consider a LoA to get yourself sorted out, too.

 

[Tsunnnami]

Dude, I'm a medical student, too. I get the feeling of not having time. But, based on what you're saying, your mental state is so debilitating that you can't focus on school anyway, so you should really prioritize 1 hour a week (which you have time for) to go see someone. You might consider a LoA to get yourself sorted out, too.

I had a debilitating mental state for a very long time in my life, yet I managed to pull things out.

Don't underestimate the power of mentally troubled people. We're troubled, but not idiots.

 

[SilverCat]

No one figured out a way to cure OCD, or schizophrenia, or PTSD, or Major Depression, or any serious mental disease.
Still sounds like I'm devaluing "professionals" ?

There's a long list of conditions with no cure: many forms of cancer, HIV, diabetes, hypertension, heart failure,etc. So basically you're arguing you should never get treated for these conditions because they can't be cured? And the physicians who treat these conditions are essentially worthless?

The best help is often times the one that a person can give to himself. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't believe in putting my faith in others to fix my life.

Yet you're posting on an internet forum seeking help from others.

 

[Darth Doc]

You said you think life isn't worth living if you disappoint your parents by not being a doctor. Sounds like a family conversation might be needed - whether justified or not, your parents need to know how you feel. This is another opportunity for you to "man up".

One last suggestion, stop expecting perfection from yourself. None of us is as smart, good, strong, gorgeous, talented... as we want to be. One of the hardest things in the world to do is love ourselves for who we are.

 

[lymphocyte]

.

 

[Tsunnnami]

Yet you're posting on an internet forum seeking help from others.

I know your comment sounds very smart and sarcastic, but you're wrong, even though you sound cool : I put this question to ask for ADVICE. That is very different from being influenced into thinking that I'm hopeless without professional advice and that I have no chance to pull this together without the help of someone.

Yes, I like this forum, and I wasn't ashamed to write about my problem at all, but I was polite when I said " No thanks. " to professional advice, there were people out there way more troubled than me who managed their problems without any professional help, so I don't see such a big problem with declining that kind of help.

IT's a bit frustrating that each time someone says " I don't want professional help. " people ASSUME that he needs professional help even more !
Maybe a person can truly handle his life without professional help. Maybe an effective advice would help more. Just saying.

 

[DocWinter]

Seek out your school councillor. The start of med school is pretty rough, but your experience sounds worse than average.

Medical school for the most of us is not a time of self completeness or fulfillment. We struggle, feel bad, stupid and bumbling in one or more ways. It doesn't really stop, at least into 3rd year

 

[SilverCat]

I know your comment sounds very smart and sarcastic, but you're wrong, even though you sound cool : I put this question to ask for ADVICE. That is very different from being influenced into thinking that I'm hopeless without professional advice and that I have no chance to pull this together without the help of someone.

Yes, I like this forum, and I wasn't ashamed to write about my problem at all, but I was polite when I said " No thanks. " to professional advice, there were people out there way more troubled than me who managed their problems without any professional help, so I don't see such a big problem with declining that kind of help.

IT's a bit frustrating that each time someone says " I don't want professional help. " people ASSUME that he needs professional help even more !
Maybe a person can truly handle his life without professional help. Maybe an effective advice would help more. Just saying.

I wasn't trying to be smart or sarcastic; I was simply trying to show you that you're not making sense.

If you don't want professional help, at least find a classmate or friend you can talk to about these things. It helps to get this stuff off of your chest.

 

[Mad Jack]

Thanks all for your kind words, but it seems like some of you don't get it : I can't and I won't seek any professional help.
Do you know what's the chance of finding someone who can help with this ? Close to zero.
Do you know how much time I have licking my psychological wounds ? Close to zero.
Thanks, but no thanks - I'm skeptic about "mental health professionals" anyway. Don't tell me you aren't.

The thing is, I know very well Med School is not the problem. My own mind is the problem. However, I can't just put it in a jar and buy a new one. All the demons I have going inside my mind are going to be there even 10 years from now, the question is what I do with my time. I'm sure it's not an obstacle to achieve success in Medical School, let's face it : many doctors have serious mental issues also, yet they made it through. In an ideal world, we would all be psychologically healthy, but this is not an ideal world and there are way too many factors to consider and even if one would manage to "cure" himself ( if there is such a thing at all ), life would probably pass him by.
This is what I see right now : if I give in to this psychological game that my mind plays on me and I "accept" that I need help and comfort and understand and bla bla , I would wake up one day and realize my whole life passed by and I'd wish I'd just toughen up and achieve my goals instead of getting soft on myself.

As I wrote, I don't want kind words or empathy, I want real effective advice to shake me up, to make me pull myself together, if anyone has experienced this and can talk from experience, because I don't think that " healthy " people can understand - they lack perspective. Not that I would wish them to have perspective.
It's good to be mentally balanced, but you can't possibly understand someone who is not and " go seek professional help " is not the best advice. You all know this. 90% of us never seek professional help, because we know there is no such thing anyway.
I just want to handle my life in spite of my mental disadvantages.

I can count the number of good psychiatrists I've personally known on one hand- It's tough to find a great one. However, the ones that are good are life changing for their patients. So I get your reservations. But really, I've tried to lead you to water, I can't make you drink.

 

[Stagg737]

I know your comment sounds very smart and sarcastic, but you're wrong, even though you sound cool : I put this question to ask for ADVICE. That is very different from being influenced into thinking that I'm hopeless without professional advice and that I have no chance to pull this together without the help of someone.

IT's a bit frustrating that each time someone says " I don't want professional help. " people ASSUME that he needs professional help even more !
Maybe a person can truly handle his life without professional help. Maybe an effective advice would help more. Just saying.

You want someone to shake you up and give you advice? Here you go: Grow the f*** up and stop acting like an angsty 13 year old.

Chances are, you are not some special little snowflake whose problem is so unique that no one will understand. Other people have had the same thoughts and problems as you, you are not special in that way. You are being told to seek professional help because they're the ones who have dealt with others in your situation and know the best approaches to help you stay in the right mindset. No, not all professionals are great, and some downright suck, but if you find a decent one they should at least be able to give you some ideas or techniques that you can practice on your own if you don't want to see someone long term.

If, by some strange twist of fate, you are sooooooo unique that so few people have dealt with what you did or what you are going through, that's even more reason to seek out a professional. Even if they haven't dealt with someone in a similar situation they can network and find someone who has. Who else could give you more effective advice than that? Certainly no one here.

As for the medical school aspect, if you're struggling this much in the first week, it bodes very poorly for your medical career and your personal mental health. Medical school brings out the worst in people, it pushes us farther than most of us have gone before. It can exacerbate mental issues in those coming in with them, and even cause issues in people that have never shown any signs of mental health problems. If you're so resistant to seeking help now, while it's still early in the process and hasn't snowballed out of control yet, you're setting yourself up for failure. See a counselor, even if you think it won't help. Ask if they know of any techniques (5-10 minute breathing exercises, meditation, etc.) to help you clear your mind and focus or if they know of any specific professionals who have dealt with patients with whatever problem you have. Talk to your parents, they've been through med school and might be able to give you insight as to how they dealt with the stress or may have been through a similar problem as you are going through now (maybe not, but they're your family and will want to help you if they're even decent parents). No matter what route you decide to take, you need to do something now before the issue gets out of control.

I had a debilitating mental state for a very long time in my life, yet I managed to pull things out.

Don't underestimate the power of mentally troubled people. We're troubled, but not idiots.

No one here thinks the mentally troubled are idiots, and if they do then they're idiots themselves. You may never get a "cure" for your issues, like a diabetic will not be cured, but being able to control them (like a diabetic takes insulin to control their blood sugar) will help you be able to be happy and fulfill those goals you're so committed to achieving. The best person to help you do that is someone who has studied these issues and knows how to address them, not a forum with a bunch of med students on it.

 

[Goro]

Time for a visit to your school's counseling center, STAT.

It's hard, but it will get better. You worked very hard to get where you are. Remember that.

Yes, I know this is pathetic, but I just had my first week in Med School and I feel miserable already.

I know Med School is the place where everyone is smart, but in my opinion, I don't lack intelligence : all my life, I've been told that I'm intelligent. Do I think otherwise ? No, not really. However, I'm aware that I probably have more inner demons than other people can imagine and this is what often times sends me into darker places than others end up being.
For example, every student faces some anxiety at the beginning of Med School, but for me is more : it is a threat to my whole identity, it's a self-bullying question of whether I deserve to be alive or not if I can't be so great as I want to be, it's an existential claustrophobia in which I constantly feel like I'm choking.

It's hard to tell what makes me to be so edgy, but I think it's a combination of never feeling peace inside myself, never feeling good in my own skin, never feeling like I'm comfortable in this world or that my life would be reflection of inner harmony, never being truly able to relax.

It just breaks me down to see everyone around me happy, my parents so proud and so happy that I'm studying what they studied also ( they are also doctors ) , but they did it with so much joy, while I'm ashamed by the horror that I see around myself all the time.
I just can't enjoy living this experience, I see only fight wherever I look, for me every day is a day for survival, a day to prove my competence ( which I always feel that is lacking ), I simply CANNOT find joy in it, I just see a cold world and nothing more.

I know one thing and that is that I'm not going to give up - I'm damn too proud to do it and life is not worth it anymore if I can't pull this out. I'd better be dead than to live on like a disappointment. I'm not so delusional to admit that yes : if I'm a weak person, then I truly don't deserve to survive and I just use up the air unnecessarily on this planet.
However, I would like to find a way to hide my misery from others. My parents don't deserve to know that I'm such a messed-up person deep inside. They couldn't help and no one could actually. I have way too many shadows and I'm way to skeptic to let anyone help me.

I just want to live the best way I can and not hurt others. I don't want to make them suffer because of my pain, but I can't control myself sometimes. I simply don't know how to not show all the pain toward my parents and friends whom I love, I also want to not let it affect my performance as a student, I just want to handle it like a man ( I'm a woman, but you get the idea ).

Thanks for your time.

 

[Goro]

A) Make time
B) This isn't going to go away by itself.
C) If you has blood in your urine, would you have the same attitude? Hopefully not. So don't be a non-compliant patient, as you're going to have tons of them as a clinician.
D) The number 1 reason med schools lose students to dismissal, withdrawal or LOA is due to mental illness, not because they can't handle the rigor of the curriculum. As you've already found out, med school is a furnace, and it's only going to get harder. Residency will be even harder.

I'm not saying counseling is worthless. I just consider that I don't have the time to invest in that.
I live in a country that isn't a great example of mental health anyway. My parents pay a lot of money for me to be a Medical student and I have a lot to study, plus I need to get my exercising and my sleep hours, in order to not aggravate my health problems.
Besides, I wouldn't find a person who can help me. My problem is that I find it incredibly hard to study with all the pain I feel inside my head every day. But I still need to study and that would be impossible if I would spend time with talking to someone about my problems.
I DON'T HAVE TIME - I don't know how to express this better.

I had a debilitating mental state for a very long time in my life, yet I managed to pull things out.

Don't underestimate the power of mentally troubled people. We're troubled, but not idiots.

I know your comment sounds very smart and sarcastic, but you're wrong, even though you sound cool : I put this question to ask for ADVICE. That is very different from being influenced into thinking that I'm hopeless without professional advice and that I have no chance to pull this together without the help of someone.

Yes, I like this forum, and I wasn't ashamed to write about my problem at all, but I was polite when I said " No thanks. " to professional advice, there were people out there way more troubled than me who managed their problems without any professional help, so I don't see such a big problem with declining that kind of help.

IT's a bit frustrating that each time someone says " I don't want professional help. " people ASSUME that he needs professional help even more !
Maybe a person can truly handle his life without professional help. Maybe an effective advice would help more. Just saying.

 

[Petrichor1]

Thanks all for your kind words, but it seems like some of you don't get it : I can't and I won't seek any professional help.
Do you know what's the chance of finding someone who can help with this ? Close to zero.
Do you know how much time I have licking my psychological wounds ? Close to zero.
Thanks, but no thanks - I'm skeptic about "mental health professionals" anyway. Don't tell me you aren't.

The thing is, I know very well Med School is not the problem. My own mind is the problem. However, I can't just put it in a jar and buy a new one. All the demons I have going inside my mind are going to be there even 10 years from now, the question is what I do with my time. I'm sure it's not an obstacle to achieve success in Medical School, let's face it : many doctors have serious mental issues also, yet they made it through. In an ideal world, we would all be psychologically healthy, but this is not an ideal world and there are way too many factors to consider and even if one would manage to "cure" himself ( if there is such a thing at all ), life would probably pass him by.
This is what I see right now : if I give in to this psychological game that my mind plays on me and I "accept" that I need help and comfort and understand and bla bla , I would wake up one day and realize my whole life passed by and I'd wish I'd just toughen up and achieve my goals instead of getting soft on myself.

As I wrote, I don't want kind words or empathy, I want real effective advice to shake me up, to make me pull myself together, if anyone has experienced this and can talk from experience, because I don't think that " healthy " people can understand - they lack perspective. Not that I would wish them to have perspective.
It's good to be mentally balanced, but you can't possibly understand someone who is not and " go seek professional help " is not the best advice. You all know this. 90% of us never seek professional help, because we know there is no such thing anyway.
I just want to handle my life in spite of my mental disadvantages.

I'm going to take a try at this. I don't know you personally but I believe that each and everyone of us has gone through many rough patches of no fault of our own that ultimately tug on our minds every once in a while. But it is when we reach adulthood that we really feel that loneliness and the weight of out burdens increase invariably. I can understand that none of the conflict is arising from medical school, if anything it is a place where there is a constant encouraging you to go on and keep walking the road. If you were not in medical school I would have suggested a gap year and observing the real world for what is out there. There is a real hand to mouth fashion when you are struggling, when a degree you work for is turned meaningless. Take for example myself: for the past 10 months since deciding to apply to medicine, I have been having a very tough time finding a job. I get invited to interviews and then I get denied. I have even passed a national exam that proves my competency in a field where there is a supposed shortage. Yet nothing. If anything this serie of failures is increasing my self worth ironically. I believe that the fact you went straight through the system, you have no idea how difficult life everywhere is. I have no ability to relate to you but whatever is hurting you has a reason related to how you have been leading and seeing the system as. Becoming a physician is a means to an end. Beyond that, you need to see life as a vast ocean waiting for you to explore. You do not need to start thinking abt the future right now...that's scary as a humbug. Your life is only beginning and for millenials like us, it's way too easy to feel boxed in. We don't have the same level of independency as our parents did. The world has changed and the way we have been raised is quite monotonous. Take the chance to do something fun, something you have never thought before. But whatever you do I don't think quitting medicine is one of them. A decision like that so early is too nascent and immature. After making my mistake, i have realized quitting things is selfish unless you gather your wits and are sure you will work towards another goal. This does not mean, let's quit and think abt life later. I also suggest looking into different medical specialties and try seeing medicine in a diverse life. For example, maybe you don't like hospital so try clinics. You won't find a diverse and fulfilling field as this. Also, after having gone through so many interviews in my life this past year, you embodied some idea that clicked with experienced ppl. So there is a reason why you were selected to be a doctor but don't identify yourself as a a doctor, identify yourself as you. Meditate on what made you who you are today. I used to think I had no reason to feel special because my parents were the ones that worked hard. I knew i worked hard but compared to my parents, thats peanuts. That is not true at all. When I started struggling in life I came to find so many reasons why I deserve better. Passively I had never realized how much I have done for myself and my family. I also feel good that I am a good person and that is reason enough for ppl like you to live your life. You don't need to go to Germany or around the world to realize how important you are.

 

[37Base]

This is an open forum, and we are entitled to our opinions here if we present them respectfully and truthfully, so I feel free to express mine, and honestly I don't think you should be a doctor. To me, your posts indicate some very poor mentation- both how you cope with your present and prior stress/life experiences, and also how you interact with other people and generate responses to their ideas. You mentioned that you're in another country (other than USA), so maybe some of this is due to language or culture, but from my perspective, I think you should quit school, focus on dealing with your issues in whatever way makes sense to you, and pursue another line of work that doesn't have such high responsibility with regard to others' lives.

 

[rederza]

IMO, med school, especially the first week/ first year, is anything but indicative of your intelligence. More so, it's indicative of how well you can sit there and absorb as much info as possible and regurgitate that with 7o% accuracy.

I don't know if you are overwhelmed by the material or what, but don't let the amount overwhelm you. In your shoes, all I can think of that would make me miserable to the extreme is that studying 10-12 hours a day seems to be the norm here, but that's another can of worms I'm not gonna get into.

 

[Panther019]

Thanks all for your kind words, but it seems like some of you don't get it : I can't and I won't seek any professional help.
Do you know what's the chance of finding someone who can help with this ? Close to zero.
Do you know how much time I have licking my psychological wounds ? Close to zero.
Thanks, but no thanks - I'm skeptic about "mental health professionals" anyway. Don't tell me you aren't.

The thing is, I know very well Med School is not the problem. My own mind is the problem. However, I can't just put it in a jar and buy a new one. All the demons I have going inside my mind are going to be there even 10 years from now, the question is what I do with my time. I'm sure it's not an obstacle to achieve success in Medical School, let's face it : many doctors have serious mental issues also, yet they made it through. In an ideal world, we would all be psychologically healthy, but this is not an ideal world and there are way too many factors to consider and even if one would manage to "cure" himself ( if there is such a thing at all ), life would probably pass him by.
This is what I see right now : if I give in to this psychological game that my mind plays on me and I "accept" that I need help and comfort and understand and bla bla , I would wake up one day and realize my whole life passed by and I'd wish I'd just toughen up and achieve my goals instead of getting soft on myself.

As I wrote, I don't want kind words or empathy, I want real effective advice to shake me up, to make me pull myself together, if anyone has experienced this and can talk from experience, because I don't think that " healthy " people can understand - they lack perspective. Not that I would wish them to have perspective.
It's good to be mentally balanced, but you can't possibly understand someone who is not and " go seek professional help " is not the best advice. You all know this. 90% of us never seek professional help, because we know there is no such thing anyway.
I just want to handle my life in spite of my mental disadvantages.

If you feel that you are beyond help, then alas, only then you truly are.

 

[Tsunnnami]

If you feel that you are beyond help, then alas, only then you truly are.

I do not think I am beyond help. Do you think I've lived my life until now only to give up on myself ? Do you think I am going to let my potential go to waste ?
Not a chance.

 

[Tsunnnami]

IMO, med school, especially the first week/ first year, is anything but indicative of your intelligence. More so, it's indicative of how well you can sit there and absorb as much info as possible and regurgitate that with 7o% accuracy.

I don't know if you are overwhelmed by the material or what, but don't let the amount overwhelm you. In your shoes, all I can think of that would make me miserable to the extreme is that studying 10-12 hours a day seems to be the norm here, but that's another can of worms I'm not gonna get into.

Yeah, it's not like I would doubt my intelligence, but it's exactly that I've found out how much I hate regurgitating information. And yes, I feel overwhelmed, but I'm going to change my attitude, I swam 2 hours yesterday and I decided to not let myself overwhelmed. I know the best thing I can do is to be cool now and for the rest of my life, because this is the only way I can study and work professionally under pressure. Even my mental problems get a very different color when I manage to cool down.

 

[sliceofbread136]

OP I can't encourage you enough to talk to a psychiatrist. What do you have to lose?

 

[Tsunnnami]

Some things you said make me worry that you might be having thoughts of suicide.

Hate to break it to you, but ....

I don't have thoughts of suicide. I felt very depressed yesterday, but it was more like a major panicking episode. I'm not depressed by nature, I just happen to over-react situations and then hit rock bottom in order to rise up with more energy. Sometimes I think I do this unconsciously to bounce back even stronger.

I know getting counseling is not shameful , I just said that I don't think I have a professional person around to help me. I don't want to solve my problems because I'm stubborn, I want to solve my problems because I truly think I'm the only person who can do it right now.

 

[Tsunnnami]

Med school is hard and stressful. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise./QUOTE]


Thanks
Yes, I also realized today that part of being overwhelmed is due to the fact that some persons act like it wouldn't be such a big deal. Accepting that it is hard and stressful by nature is what makes me not take things personally , but rather as a natural part of the process

 

[Tsunnnami]

As for the medical school aspect, if you're struggling this much in the first week, it bodes very poorly for your medical career and your personal mental health. Medical school brings out the worst in people, it pushes us farther than most of us have gone before. It can exacerbate mental issues in those coming in with them, and even cause issues in people that have never shown any signs of mental health problems.

Thanks for this. It makes me motivated to get myself together.

 

[Tsunnnami]

The number 1 reason med schools lose students to dismissal, withdrawal or LOA is due to mental illness, not because they can't handle the rigor of the curriculum. .

Really ?! I didn't know that !
Now that's some great motivation to not quit.

 

[Tsunnnami]

I'm going to take a try at this. I don't know you personally but I believe that each and everyone of us has gone through many rough patches of no fault of our own that ultimately tug on our minds every once in a while. But it is when we reach adulthood that we really feel that loneliness and the weight of out burdens increase invariably. I can understand that none of the conflict is arising from medical school, if anything it is a place where there is a constant encouraging you to go on and keep walking the road. If you were not in medical school I would have suggested a gap year and observing the real world for what is out there. There is a real hand to mouth fashion when you are struggling, when a degree you work for is turned meaningless. Take for example myself: for the past 10 months since deciding to apply to medicine, I have been having a very tough time finding a job. I get invited to interviews and then I get denied. I have even passed a national exam that proves my competency in a field where there is a supposed shortage. Yet nothing. If anything this serie of failures is increasing my self worth ironically. I believe that the fact you went straight through the system, you have no idea how difficult life everywhere is. I have no ability to relate to you but whatever is hurting you has a reason related to how you have been leading and seeing the system as. Becoming a physician is a means to an end. Beyond that, you need to see life as a vast ocean waiting for you to explore. You do not need to start thinking abt the future right now...that's scary as a humbug. Your life is only beginning and for millenials like us, it's way too easy to feel boxed in. We don't have the same level of independency as our parents did. The world has changed and the way we have been raised is quite monotonous. Take the chance to do something fun, something you have never thought before. But whatever you do I don't think quitting medicine is one of them. A decision like that so early is too nascent and immature. After making my mistake, i have realized quitting things is selfish unless you gather your wits and are sure you will work towards another goal. This does not mean, let's quit and think abt life later. I also suggest looking into different medical specialties and try seeing medicine in a diverse life. For example, maybe you don't like hospital so try clinics. You won't find a diverse and fulfilling field as this. Also, after having gone through so many interviews in my life this past year, you embodied some idea that clicked with experienced ppl. So there is a reason why you were selected to be a doctor but don't identify yourself as a a doctor, identify yourself as you. Meditate on what made you who you are today. I used to think I had no reason to feel special because my parents were the ones that worked hard. I knew i worked hard but compared to my parents, thats peanuts. That is not true at all. When I started struggling in life I came to find so many reasons why I deserve better. Passively I had never realized how much I have done for myself and my family. I also feel good that I am a good person and that is reason enough for ppl like you to live your life. You don't need to go to Germany or around the world to realize how important you are.

Thank You. I really loved your answer.
And yes, you are right, I often realize that I don't think enough about how hard life generally is. I make my best to think about it as often as possible though.
When we were at the hospital last week, one of our professors told us that it's only a matter of luck whether we become doctors or patients. It was then when I realized how lucky I am to not lay on a hospital bed. I know that I'm an ungrateful c*** sometimes, but I really try my best to correct myself, it's just that often my ego gets the best out of me.

 

[Tsunnnami]

This is an open forum, and we are entitled to our opinions here if we present them respectfully and truthfully, so I feel free to express mine, and honestly I don't think you should be a doctor. To me, your posts indicate some very poor mentation- both how you cope with your present and prior stress/life experiences, and also how you interact with other people and generate responses to their ideas. You mentioned that you're in another country (other than USA), so maybe some of this is due to language or culture, but from my perspective, I think you should quit school, focus on dealing with your issues in whatever way makes sense to you, and pursue another line of work that doesn't have such high responsibility with regard to others' lives.

Well, I guess I don't seem like a very nice person from this post, but I certainly won't quit Med School, because I don't think I'm inadequate for it.
I have my problems, true, but I truly think that I have many qualities that will make me a great doctor and this is not only my opinion.
Of course, I guess people don't picture a " great doctor " as a person who has problems like myself, but coming from a family of doctors, I have a bit more insight on this : doctors often times have just as many problems as others, if not even more. The family members who are doctors in my family aren't the mentally most balanced persons, yet they are great in what they do. I think you picture a doctor different than the person who I am, but I can assure you that many doctors are far from that idealized version.

 

[guitar25]

Well, I guess I don't seem like a very nice person from this post, but I certainly won't quit Med School, because I don't think I'm inadequate for it.
I have my problems, true, but I truly think that I have many qualities that will make me a great doctor and this is not only my opinion.
Of course, I guess people don't picture a " great doctor " as a person who has problems like myself, but coming from a family of doctors, I have a bit more insight on this : doctors often times have just as many problems as others, if not even more. The family members who are doctors in my family aren't the mentally most balanced persons, yet they are great in what they do. I think you picture a doctor different than the person who I am, but I can assure you that many doctors are far from that idealized version.

I think what the majority of posts are trying to share is that you are so early in this process that it would definitely make your life a lot more manageable if you talk in person with a counselor. Have you considered what advice you would give a future patient if they had the same concerns you do? Would you tell them to try to hide everything and "white-knuckle" through their issues alone? I think if you are afraid of talking (a very normal feeling) to someone, it is easy to make excuses. My personal concerns are rooted in seeing stories of med students, residents, attendings, etc, who did not get adequate help and ended up as suicides. The medical education process needs reforming, but you can start your own repair by being honest about what I sense is a fear of getting help. As others have said, the process is rigorous. Why make it harder by insisting you have to do this alone? You truly don't.

 

[Tsunnnami]

I think what the majority of posts are trying to share is that you are so early in this process that it would definitely make your life a lot more manageable if you talk in person with a counselor. Have you considered what advice you would give a future patient if they had the same concerns you do? Would you tell them to try to hide everything and "white-knuckle" through their issues alone? I think if you are afraid of talking (a very normal feeling) to someone, it is easy to make excuses. My personal concerns are rooted in seeing stories of med students, residents, attendings, etc, who did not get adequate help and ended up as suicides. The medical education process needs reforming, but you can start your own repair by being honest about what I sense is a fear of getting help. As others have said, the process is rigorous. Why make it harder by insisting you have to do this alone? You truly don't.

Trust me that not talking to someone is not an excuse at all, I would be glad if I could do it, but as I have mentioned before, reality is not always ideal.
My dad's health is not the best and I'm very determined to pull off this Medical School, I know it for a fact that I will not quit and I will not commit suicide. I can't prove this to you, but trust me, I won't quit this.
On the other hand, it's not like I could talk with my family about my problems, they never really knew how to help me, they are nice persons and all, but I think they get powerless when they are faced with the fact that I have some problems. I always solved my problems on my own, I know many people find it difficult to imagine it, but I am used to not talk about my problems and I am used to figure things out on my own, because this is what I have been doing all my life and yet here I am.
So due to the lack of people whom I could talk to + the problems in my family make me determined to continue this on my own, even though I am looking forward to make friends and all, but until then I want to focus on my studying 100% .
I don't neglect my mental health by the way, I started Yoga half a year ago and it did wonders for me. Besides this, I also work out and eat healthily, I sleep, I try to improve my attitude in each second, I am aware that I have a tendency to collapse, but who doesn't ? I really think that I take care of myself the best way I possibly can, except that I don't seek professional help, but at least I'm not drinking myself to amnesia, I'm not sleep deprived, I'm not isolating myself in a room and I don't do things like that. I believe I have chances to rise up and I will work on myself fiercely.

 

[guitar25]

Trust me that not talking to someone is not an excuse at all, I would be glad if I could do it, but as I have mentioned before, reality is not always ideal.
My dad's health is not the best and I'm very determined to pull off this Medical School, I know it for a fact that I will not quit and I will not commit suicide. I can't prove this to you, but trust me, I won't quit this.
On the other hand, it's not like I could talk with my family about my problems, they never really knew how to help me, they are nice persons and all, but I think they get powerless when they are faced with the fact that I have some problems. I always solved my problems on my own, I know many people find it difficult to imagine it, but I am used to not talk about my problems and I am used to figure things out on my own, because this is what I have been doing all my life and yet here I am.
So due to the lack of people whom I could talk to + the problems in my family make me determined to continue this on my own, even though I am looking forward to make friends and all, but until then I want to focus on my studying 100% .
I don't neglect my mental health by the way, I started Yoga half a year ago and it did wonders for me. Besides this, I also work out and eat healthily, I sleep, I try to improve my attitude in each second, I am aware that I have a tendency to collapse, but who doesn't ? I really think that I take care of myself the best way I possibly can, except that I don't seek professional help, but at least I'm not drinking myself to amnesia, I'm not sleep deprived, I'm not isolating myself in a room and I don't do things like that. I believe I have chances to rise up and I will work on myself fiercely.

Again, I think you just need to take a count of how many posts have recommended to you to just talk things out in person. I truly hear that you have willed yourself to deal with everything on your own, but you are excercising, doing yoga, eating well. This is fantastic. But as a future doctor, would you want your own patient to not seek help? I notice your last sentence: "...I will work on myself fiercely." I say no! You need to be kinder to yourself, not fiercer! And this is what an objective-trained person can help with.

And ironically, I just found this post after reading this thread.
Second-year med student killed himself.
http://www.thedp.com/article/2016/09/second-year-medical-student-ari-frosch-dies

I just know how difficult it is to keep things bottled in. I commend you for all the positive work. But what I keep
hearing is you feel you need to do this on your own. You don't. You will be surprised to learn there are other classmates with similar feelings. But you won't know if you don't take a chance and trust someone.

Mass Effect, Yesterday at 9:59 PMReport
#1Like+ QuoteReply

 

[DocWinter]

Your rational and replies I find immature and disturbing.

 

[Tsunnnami]

Your rational and replies I find immature and disturbing.

So ?

 

[jcve34]

I feel I get a lot of reading. I realize you don't have much time but these two books may help you change how you frame things.

Mindset by Carol Dweck:

About the Growth vs Fixed Mindset which from your original post you seem to have a fixed mindset on the externals.

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius:

You get to see what the Roman Emporer (who pretty much ruled most of the known world) did to deal with stress in the last ten years of his (which were while he was at war).

You can choose how you perceive this world. If you dig meditations look at reading more of the Stoic philosophy. I think it parallels a lot of Christianity.

 

[Med Ed]

2/10

 

[Panther019]

I do not think I am beyond help. Do you think I've lived my life until now only to give up on myself ? Do you think I am going to let my potential go to waste ?
Not a chance.

lol idk dude you tell me. I could quote you but it seems like a waste of x as you are on here to "get help" but seem to be contradicting yourself a lot and arguing people who are simply concerned for you-including myself. If you are not even remotely open minded to trying ways that could help you then you will never get better. If you don't help yourself- then no one can help you. Anyway, you are quite hostile to strangers which I find quite humorous since you are the one posting your turmoil on SDN to people who are simply trying to help you. Good luck my friend.

 

[DNC127]

drama drama drama. Kids these days. OP just keeps spinning in circles.

 

[RealMacaw]

Tsunnnami, I get what you're going through. I was physically and emotionally exhausted by the end of my first week of med school -- and most of that week was orientation. This a grueling journey. The person who said you need to be kinder, not tougher, on yourself was absolutely right.

I won't pretend to know exactly what is best for you. But here are some things that helped me:

- Know that EVERYONE feels overwhelmed, miserable, incompetent, stupid, undisciplined, unworthy, etc. Every single time I felt that way my first year, I was convinced I was the only one -- and then within a week, a day, or sometimes even within the hour, someone said something that hinted that they felt the same way. So you are not alone. The system is designed to push you to your limits and not coddle you along the way. Is this wise? Well, we lose a medical school full of students to suicide every year, so my guess is no. But it's not likely to change anytime soon, so do what you can to nurture yourself.

- Try to talk to SOMEONE. I get why you don't want to find a professional -- it's hard as hell to find the right one and I agree it can be overwhelming. So talk to someone you know. DON'T expect them to solve problems - just tell them how you feel and how you wish you felt. You think your pain is too much for friends and family to bear, but I think they would feel terrible if they found out one day how much pain you were in and realized they never helped you because they never knew. Keep the conversations short if you must, but reach out to people. Sometimes it can lighten the load much more than you ever expected.

- Remember that some of the qualities that probably inspired you to become a doctor, like sensitivity to suffering, and a tendency to perfectionism, also make you harder on yourself and more sensitive to all the bull**** and insensitivity you are going to face (like all the crap you got right here on this thread, for instance). But this is not a weakness. The finest instruments are more vulnerable to damage; the most high-performance cars are also the most high maintenance. You get the idea. Strengthen your mental defenses so that your sensitivity is your strength, not your enemy. Talk to positive people. Read inspiring things about medicine and remember that you are part of a great tradition, and you had to accomplish a lot just to get here. Remember that every day you feel awful about yourself, you are believing a LIE. You are a good person who is working hard, and you deserve to feel good about that. On that note...

- Make a Google bookmark list of things that inspire you and make you feel a bit more optimistic about the world. Take just a couple of minutes every morning to read or view one of them, before you think about anything else. Keep yourself in the most positive mindset that you can.

- Read this article and anything else by Pamela Wible, MD: http://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2016/03/why-doctors-kill-themselves.html. Roam around the rest of the website as well. Sites like KevinMD tend to make me feel uplifted; hanging around SDN too long tends to be depressing. Choose accordingly.

- Remember that there is a whole lot wrong with the institution of medicine and medical education. Sometimes you feel bad because you become painfully aware of that. That's normal, and no reflection on you. You know all the dinguses on here who just showed you no compassion, told you to suck it up, told you they don't think you should be a doctor, etc., etc? Well, nearly every one of those people is going to be a medical professional one day. Just imagine how much compassion they are going to have for their patients <snark>. One day your patients are going to need someone with a sense of empathy and conscientiousness, so take care of yourself so you can be there for them.

- Remember it does get better -- not easier, exactly, but you get better at handling the pressure. The first half of first year is absolute hell and if you DIDN'T feel that way, I'd be concerned about your future. You don't have to be perfect -- you just have to get through it.

- Find things (and people) that make you laugh. Everything is easier to bear if you can have a sense of humor about it.

That's about all I can think of for now. Sorry for the uber-long post, and I hope this helps. Feel free to PM me anytime if you just need someone to vent to, and hang in there.

 

[Petrichor1]

Thank You. I really loved your answer.
And yes, you are right, I often realize that I don't think enough about how hard life generally is. I make my best to think about it as often as possible though.
When we were at the hospital last week, one of our professors told us that it's only a matter of luck whether we become doctors or patients. It was then when I realized how lucky I am to not lay on a hospital bed. I know that I'm an ungrateful c*** sometimes, but I really try my best to correct myself, it's just that often my ego gets the best out of me.

I don't think you need to put yourself down for being ungrateful. There are reasons why you get upset and maybe you are at a perfect time frame to make amends like exploring medicine much deeper than your peers and finding things in it that make you passionate. Our generation is one of the most educated of generations and that gets inside our head sometimes. A lot of times understanding that our feet need to be 2 feet deep into the ground is how we can appreciate what we have been provided and worked hard for. Don't let other ppl and situations ruin what you have worked so hard for. Even if you hit the dirt, don't assume it's all over. Get up with class and run even better than before. One day all of this won't be so difficult and that has come from a clinician I shadowed. You meet some of the most generous ppl in this field and they understand what you are going through because they have been there right where we are today.