Moving away from spouse/SO for med school

[kd]

OK, so I'm really excited to start med school next week, but at the same time saddened because hubby can't come with me. We'll get to see each other weekends, but it's still going to be a huge adjustment- we've been together for 12 years, are best friends, and extremely close. It's weird to think that I'll essentially be a bachelorette again after all these years.
I know there are others out there in similar situations, many with even greater physical distances separating you from your spouse or SO. How do you cope with the separation? Anyone care to commiserate?

 

[doctorperez]

Hi-

I am praying and trust that for my entering class my spouse, children and I will not have to be separated. What school were you accepted at? Is it possible he can move to the city you will be moving to?. Best wishes!.

Dr.Perez

 

[meatloaf king]

Being away from your husband will be hard, but like you said you'll have the weekends. In the service I was away from my wife for months at a time, and kept a rather large phone bill and myself extremely busy (shouldn't be too hard in 1st Yr. med.). Just make sure you devot all of your weekends to your husband/family, NO STUDYING, even if you've gotta stay up until 2 am. M-F to do it. If you don't, there's likely to be problems, since relationships always tend to slide backward with no input (energy, work, love, whatever you want to call it.) I want to go back in the military after med school, and my wife is to the point that whever I go, she'll go too, even if we have to live in a shck to do it. After being without her for a while, I'd do anything to have her with me. Hope it helps, tried not to sugar coat it.
P.S. Anyone that says that if you don't work out through this you weren't meant for each other is full of BS. That's just an excuse for infidelity.

 

[D.O.'s rule]

I will be leaving my wife and three little girls(Daddy's angels) in August and they won't be joining me again until next June. And we are not close enough to even see each other on the weekends. I will see them once in Oct, Christmas, and probabaly once during the second semester(easter, probably). Lots of phone calls and e-mails to get me through. And as a side note, I am an unusually devoted Dad who has spent the last 8 months as the stay-at-home parent. My family is my life!!!! And I would never do anything to jepordize that relationship, not even med school. If I thought for one minute that I would lose them b/c of school there is no way I would go. I guess my point is if I can do this cross country, then anyone can. My trick is to have complete faith in GOD and trust that I am on th path He has chosen for me. My wife supports me 100% and will get there as soon as she can. But from everything I have heard about first year, we are going to be too busy to even notice them if they were with us! Just keep your attitude good and know you are doing this for them as well as yourself, ya know?

 

[kd]

Thanks for sharing. It helps to know I'm not alone.
John- I can only imagine what you must be going through, moving away from your wife and kids. That really puts things in perspective.
drperez- Right now, he has various commitments that absolutely prohibit him from joining me and it's exceedingly difficult for both of us. Hopefully, things will change by 3rd year at the latest. I'm going to East Tennessee State BTW.
meatloafking- I'm actually not worried about our marriage surviving- we've been together for so long and been through so many things together, that isn't an issue at all. My concern is more that one or both of us will get really lonely and depressed - or that we'll spend way too much time just moping around and wishing that we could be together. This may sound silly- but it's just depressing to me to think about coming home to an empty apartment, cooking dinner for one (or not), just not having him around all the time.
He's extremely supportive of my dream to be a doctor and is very disappointed that he won't get to experience med school with me. I guess the key for me is to get involved with my school and my new community- and ideally, get him involved, too- at least on the weekends when he's there.

 

[Popoy]

Holidays and breaks a definite visit to my wife.... Weekends when possible.... Phone calls as much as possible.... email always.... instant message when she's on line.... Communicate ALWAYS!!!

 

[meatloaf king]

kd, you're thoughts of being degressed at an empty apartment aren't silly at all. When your so close to someone for so long, and then have to be aeparated it leaves a hole in your life so to speak. Happened to me. I just coped by keeping myself extremely busy. If I did it, you'll be able to do it too. You'll do just fine, especially since you have such a supportive SO.

 

[Homunculus]

Southwest Airlines is a wonderful thing =) My wife and I were separated by a 6-hour drive my first semester, and she was able to get round-trip tickets from southwest.com for about $100. Which would be a lot if you did it every weekend, but we tried to do it about once a month. And, with all the cellular phone plans now, you can easily keep your phone bill to the cost of a cell phone, about $40 if you play it right =)

 

[meatloaf king]

sorry for the typo, its depressed.

 

[D.O.'s rule]

kd,
I also forgot to mention that we have done this before. It is a long story but the short version is that my wife is a lawyer and was working for legal aid(no money)in the same state we are ending up going back too, KY (to bad we didn't know I'd be accepted). Anyway for me to stay in school we got to the point where she had to make some real money. (Which sucks in itself b/c there she was actually making a difference, the pay just sucked) We had no idea where or if I would be accepted, so last year in May her and the kids left me and came to the Las Vegas (where we grew up, so lots of family support) for a job. I stayed behind to finish undergrad, rather than transfer schools yet again. I finished in Dec and then I came out. So we have only been together for about 8 months after a 7 month split and now I'm leaving again to go back to where we were last year!!!!! It was difficult at times but we made it through okay and the kids are young enough that they will not even remember all the sacrifices, or being away from Dad. They have a tough time the first few days but after that they adapt quickly. As for us, it has made our marriage even stronger and made us appreciate each other even more. I'm like you, my wife is my best friend and the one making all this possible for me. I will miss her like crazy, but we do whatever it takes. In the long run it will be worth it. I hope this helps. Just know that you are not alone!!

 

[im4real]

kd,
Wow! That is tough to move away from your best friend of 12 years! You all will definitely want to email a lot and use the phone. And believe me, you are not alone. I have heard of many couple that do this. It is doable. I wish you the best of luck kd!!! And I agree with John in having a good attitude will get you through those lonely times. Keep positive (as hard as that sounds!)

John,
You are moving away from your wife and three "Daddy's angels". I understand how difficult that must be for you as well. My husband and I have two angels ourselves. They are Daddy's boys and Mommy's angels!!!



If your spouse ever wants to talk with other MD/DO spouses, please let her know that we have set our website to specifically target these types of situations. Our site is called MD/DO Spouses Support. If she would like to lurk at the forums, she is more than welcome to or any spouses or SO's. We try to help one another the best we know how!

Anyway, I wanted to wish you best wishes. Stay focused on the task at hand and email as much as possible! Those are my thoughts!

Thinking of you all,
Christy

 

[t-bone]

It's very comforting to hear that there are other people who have to be away from their families during med school. I'm not worried about myself (I'll actually have more study time without having to fix meals, clean house, help with homework, ect...), but I worry about my family. Will they eat healthy meals, will they turn their homework in on time, are they brushing their teeth? I know my husband is a great father, but it's hard to think that they can get along without me.

t-bone

 

[commymommy]

HI...I hope you'll pass on The Medical Spouse Network to your spouses . We have a private password protected forum (Medical Spouse General Hospital) that is a positive, supportive environment. It is made by medical spouses for medical spouses and is not for-profit! Our Mr. MD forum (for male med spouses) has been revamped and restarted and our moderator, Chris is really hoping to meet some other men going through similar situations!

Sincerely,

Kris
The Medical Spouse Network http://www.medicalspouse.org

 

[rdennisjr]

I have to admit, I'm getting excited for my school to start - my wife has been down in Texas for almost two months already and I'm looking forward to finally being able to head down there and join her. We've also spent two 7 month periods apart while I served on overseas deployments with the Army National Guard. Everything that everyone has said about making sure you keep communicating is really critical to keep in mind. Actually, it's kind of neat how the seperation, while difficult, can actually make some things better. You really realize how much that other person means to your every day life - and it helps remind you how lucky you two ended up together

In anycase - keep talking, emailing, and writing. Get together whenever possible, and just make sure you keep reminding each other what it is that's so cool about each other and things will be just fine

Dennis

 

[jeyaramd]

Its very difficult to be away from your spouse. I love her very much and we are like best friends too. The distance is too far from me to see her even on weekends. I just have to wait for her to come here to Canada after her exams. It was not possible for us to get a loan so I can come with her until she finishes med school. So, I am staying behind to finance her schooling. Its really hard especially since I have all this free time. On the other hand, she has her hands full with no time to spare. Its like we are in two different worlds. This has been her passion for so long, since 2001, but her parents refuse to send her to a foreign school. So, I knew she was having regrets so I told her to go and I will take care of the finances. I am as supportive as possible, but I realize that our relationship has to be compromised in this process so we can have a better future. I wanted to do an MD as well, but am unable due to the financial position that I am in. Since, I am in Canada it was hard to get the US loans and our canadian loan is only 10K. So, I pretty much have to come up with the rest. I don't mind doing all this for the one I love, but the separation is pure torment. Sometimes, I don't know how I am going to pull through. Any suggestions.

 

[LADoc00]

OK, so I'm really excited to start med school next week, but at the same time saddened because hubby can't come with me. We'll get to see each other weekends, but it's still going to be a huge adjustment- we've been together for 12 years, are best friends, and extremely close. It's weird to think that I'll essentially be a bachelorette again after all these years.
I know there are others out there in similar situations, many with even greater physical distances separating you from your spouse or SO. How do you cope with the separation? Anyone care to commiserate?

Be saddened. I have found almost no situation where the relationship could work in such an environment long term. I see divorce in your future. I experienced a similar thing with residency so I would suggest you mentally prepare now, I had not and suffered bitterly for it.

 

[akaz]

Be saddened. I have found almost no situation where the relationship could work in such an environment long term. I see divorce in your future. I experienced a similar thing with residency so I would suggest you mentally prepare now, I had not and suffered bitterly for it.

My brother in law and sister in law did it through med school and residency with children. They are happily married today. It depends how people deal with it. I know many that have done it through med school and residency. Some ended poorly and some well. I think it depends on the people.