Moving with teenagers?

[RitaHayworth]

Is anyone moving with teenagers in order to start med school? Help? Its near mutiny in my house!

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[ShyRem]

When I applied to med school, I sat down with my family and we crossed off all the states we didn't want to live in. Then we crossed off the med schools where we didn't want Daddy working (as a cop - we really wanted him to come home alive. So places like Detroit were out.) So they had a say. When the time came for moving, my children were granted a little younger - 8 and 11. And we moved 2000 miles away to their #1 choice (which was my #2).

Now here we are 4 years later. My children will be 12 and 14 when we move next. Again, when it came time for residency I gave them the website and said "this is what I want to do. Find me programs places you want to live and give me a list." They spent hours researching everything - the program for anything bad, benefits, vacation, board pass rates, % of residents who take boards, real estate, schools, recreation, sports... you name it, they looked at it. And they gave me their list. I matched to my #1. Which happened to be their #1. So we're moving again in June.

They're excited. I let them have a huge say in where I applied, where I interviewed, etc. It's been a big learning experience for all of us. But I made sure to say at the outset "if we end up moving there's nothing that says we can't come back here someday. Look at this as an opportunity to see if we like living somewhere else better." I got them excited about stuff that interested them. And opened their eyes to new possibilities of things to learn, see, and do. And they were (and are again) excited.

So how old are your kids? Did they have a say in where to apply? Did you include them?

 

[AbbyNormal]

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[skeye777]

My teen gets to share her opinion, but it's ultimately my and my husband's decision. Fortunately, she has options because my husband will be staying in our hometown for his job. Maybe that's why there's been no mutiny! Perhaps giving your teen some sort of say in things might help them feel more in control. Perhaps what neighborhood to live in, a choice of schools? Don't underestimate the power of bribery!!!

 

[DrSmooth]

Not sure where you are at in this process, but it helps to include them in the process as much as possible, as Skeye was saying. That includes the decision to change careers, where to go back to school, what you are studying, where to apply, where to ultimately attend, which house to move into, which school district, etc, etc. I'm not saying to let them make the decisions, but the more these major decisions are made as "family decisions" the less push-back you should (hopefully!) get. And depending on how old your teenagers are, they can possibly stay behind with family or friends to finish school. It also helps to look at things from their perspective, their life is being turned upside down because their parents are screwed up and weird (I'm not saying this is true, but it's likely how they are feeling). But this is a tough one and teenage years suck whether you are starting med school or not. Good luck!!!

 

[RitaHayworth]

Thanks for the responses. I will be starting med school this summer and am as a result leaving my soon-to-be-18 year old behind to finish her sr. year. My husband and 13 year old will remain behind for 6 mos to a year because he is starting a new business. I have offered a combination of bribery, choice on their part, and "because I'm the parent" approach. The response has been so negative that my husband has even thought about remaining behind for the full 4 years. However, I feel this would break our family apart inevitably.

I come from a background where the mom's first responsibility is to remain in the home until kids are grown. My extended family is not supportive of me doing this a) while I still have children in the home, and b) moving even temporarily without my family.

Am I doing irrevocable damage to my kids? Some family say to wait until they are all gone. I'm so far over the hill as it is, it would be nearly impossible. Have all your children survived, even flourished while you've been in med school?

I have to say I am very glad I don't have small children while endeavoring to accomplish this goal.

 

[RogueUnicorn]

My parents moved me around a lot growing up, the last one being sophomore year of high school. It sucked, but I dealt. Whether I've been irrevocably damaged is up for debate of course. You are the parent. Lay down the law.

 

[ShyRem]

My children have flourished. and i have to say it's interesting being in surgery when the scrub nurse looks at my pager and says laughing "your daughter needs help with her algebra tonight when you get a chance". Even better when the nurse starts texting back and then we're solving problems during surgery. It made me a person rather than just another med student. I spent all of third year away from my family (except for every other weekend), and then 12 weeks of fourth year while I did away rotations and interviews. They were fine. Lots of texting. Homework help via text and IM on the 'net. Just make sure when you're home - you're HOME. No schoolwork. HOME. And MOM and WIFE.

 

[Nrohgof]

When I applied to med school, I sat down with my family and we crossed off all the states we didn't want to live in. Then we crossed off the med schools where we didn't want Daddy working (as a cop - we really wanted him to come home alive. So places like Detroit were out.) So they had a say. When the time came for moving, my children were granted a little younger - 8 and 11. And we moved 2000 miles away to their #1 choice (which was my #2).

Now here we are 4 years later. My children will be 12 and 14 when we move next. Again, when it came time for residency I gave them the website and said "this is what I want to do. Find me programs places you want to live and give me a list." They spent hours researching everything - the program for anything bad, benefits, vacation, board pass rates, % of residents who take boards, real estate, schools, recreation, sports... you name it, they looked at it. And they gave me their list. I matched to my #1. Which happened to be their #1. So we're moving again in June.

They're excited. I let them have a huge say in where I applied, where I interviewed, etc. It's been a big learning experience for all of us. But I made sure to say at the outset "if we end up moving there's nothing that says we can't come back here someday. Look at this as an opportunity to see if we like living somewhere else better." I got them excited about stuff that interested them. And opened their eyes to new possibilities of things to learn, see, and do. And they were (and are again) excited.

You're an awesome mom

 

[sindadel]

My 6 year old really really did not want to sell our house and move. So we didn't. I commute home on weekends (3 hour drive) and do no med school work at all from Friday at 4 pm to Monday at 10 AM. I listen to lecture podcasts on my drive.

We will all be together for residency, whether that requires a move or not, and I think that is an awesome idea about giving them input into which programs to rank.

 

[medschl hpeful]

When I applied to med school, I sat down with my family and we crossed off all the states we didn't want to live in. Then we crossed off the med schools where we didn't want Daddy working (as a cop - we really wanted him to come home alive. So places like Detroit were out.) So they had a say. When the time came for moving, my children were granted a little younger - 8 and 11. And we moved 2000 miles away to their #1 choice (which was my #2).

Now here we are 4 years later. My children will be 12 and 14 when we move next. Again, when it came time for residency I gave them the website and said "this is what I want to do. Find me programs places you want to live and give me a list." They spent hours researching everything - the program for anything bad, benefits, vacation, board pass rates, % of residents who take boards, real estate, schools, recreation, sports... you name it, they looked at it. And they gave me their list. I matched to my #1. Which happened to be their #1. So we're moving again in June.

They're excited. I let them have a huge say in where I applied, where I interviewed, etc. It's been a big learning experience for all of us. But I made sure to say at the outset "if we end up moving there's nothing that says we can't come back here someday. Look at this as an opportunity to see if we like living somewhere else better." I got them excited about stuff that interested them. And opened their eyes to new possibilities of things to learn, see, and do. And they were (and are again) excited.

So how old are your kids? Did they have a say in where to apply? Did you include them?

Wow.... you make it sound so easy!!! My husband is also a cop. But we own our home, how could we sell and move, it is so scary for me. I have two choices that are local enough to commute. I guess if they say no. I must venture further. Did you husband find it difficult to find a new job??????

 

[medschl hpeful]

My 6 year old really really did not want to sell our house and move. So we didn't. I commute home on weekends (3 hour drive) and do no med school work at all from Friday at 4 pm to Monday at 10 AM. I listen to lecture podcasts on my drive.

We will all be together for residency, whether that requires a move or not, and I think that is an awesome idea about giving them input into which programs to rank.

I am soooooooo impressed. I have to consider all of these brave new things as I re-apply. Ladies..... you have done a remarkable thing by sharing how you cope. It was so needed for me.

Good Luck, and I hope to join this wonderful club of yours

 

[ShyRem]

Wow.... you make it sound so easy!!! My husband is also a cop. But we own our home, how could we sell and move, it is so scary for me. I have two choices that are local enough to commute. I guess if they say no. I must venture further. Did you husband find it difficult to find a new job??????

We owned our home too. But my state school was not an option as they wouldn't even interview me - for two years in a row. It was 3.5 hours away anyway, and the only med school in my state. (I did have other state schools interview me though - go figure.) So we realized that at least I would have to go elsewhere, and my family was not willing to let me go alone. So we knew we'd have to sell our home that we JUST finished remodeling, leave the kids' schools, leave his job, etc. And my family wouldn't even hear of me saying it was too much sacrifice.

As for my husband and getting a job, cops like him don't walk into a department every day. He is... unusual. Outrageously experienced, overtrained like no one else, certified up the ying yang, and yet just a genuinely nice guy. Departments where I interviewed offered to make a position for him just so he wouldn't go somewhere else. We do know other cops trying to transfer into the area that had to wait over a year to get a job.

 

[ArkansasRanger]

Look at the bright side of moving with teenagers. They can carry heavier boxes than little kids.

 

[dotdash]

I am so impressed by the responses here.

We started early with the kids. "When we move for residency, then..." for all the years of med school, so they knew it was coming and were even bored to talk about it sometimes. (They were 9 and 11 when we finally moved.)

We tried to include them as much as possible. We took them out of school for match day and they got to open the envelope, that kind of thing. And each one got a separate trip out house hunting with a parent, which somehow (?) worked out better than all of us going together.

Just one piece of relevant experience for Rita. I was left behind myself for my senior year (parent split up and both moved, I stayed with my best friend). At the time I would have had to have been dragged kicking and screaming out of that town and my senior year with my friends. But you know what, there were lots of ways in which that was a really bad decision. Your negative-responding kids see clearly what they will lose by moving, but they aren't so in touch with what they will lose by not being with you. Stick to your keep-the-family-together guns. In my opinion, it's worth it for everyone.

 

[sumstorm]

I'll give the opposite view of 'keep the family together.' My parents let me attend a public residential high school (state school) for accerated education my jr & sr year. it made all the difference in my life. It let us relate to each other as adults rather than parent and child sooner, and it has literally enabled me to develop a well known education program in my field, travel around the world on someone else's dime and get into excellent undergrad schools. I am sure it contributed to my acceptance to med school in 2001 (turned down to do a fellowship internationally) and to vet school now. It will all depend on the individual.

Look at their favorite hobbies/activities, and commit to heavily supporting those in the new area by figuring out how/were NOW. use temptation. have a mall rat? know about the best shopping in the area. outdoorsy kind? find out about parks and recreation. Facilitate saying good by to friends by setting aside funds for visits and make the plans NOW.