My girlfriend broke up w/me after I got accepted.

[Deuce 007 MD]

I just had to vent my sad story. So here goes. I got my acceptance letter on Oct. 19 and it was one of the happiest days in my life. My girl and I celebrated the whole weekend. A week later she broke up with me. Her reasons being: the school is out of state and long distance relationships don't work, in four years she'll be almost 30 and might gain weight, and I'll be a doctor looking at younger & slimmer girls, she never went to college and I'll be in school with all these educated younger girls, I'll be a cocky bastard when I graduate, and I can't promise her anything until I graduate. I'm just so frustrated, one week of sheer bliss followed by such sorrow.

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[mightymouseal]

Hey man, sad story. But next time, use the specified venting arena. Plus, if this chick has that little faith in you, true that may mean she has impaired self esteem but more importantly, how much faith can you have in her. Also, a point to ponder, isn't there some truth to what she's saying?

 

[PetraP]

aww, so sad, too bad FOR HER, I guess when you graduate now you'll have no choice but to hook up with some hot younger trophy wife. Thats life man!

 

[SMW]

Why can't you promise her anything until you graduate? Lots of people do. Or alternatively, why doesn't she go with you, go to college while you're going to med school, and work out to keep her slim figure (not to mention staying healthy)? If these options weren't even discussed, then perhaps it wasn't meant to be. She's right about long distance relationships (I know from experience). Btw, in 4 years, you'll be a resident, and their lives are not all that wonderful.

 

[isidella]

Originally posted by Deuce 007 MD
and I can't promise her anything until I graduate.

If you want her so bad, make her a promise. . . She wants a little bit more than you are willing to offer. So why not offer? If she helped you have a blissful weekend, can she give you a blissful life?

There is more to the story. . . Share it!

Regardless, I am sorry you are sad.

 

[DAL]

Sorry the hear that Deuce. That's tough man, I know about the rigors of long distance relationships from personal experience. Perhaps in the long run you can look back on it and see it in a positive note. But congrats on your acceptance and best of luck.

mightymouse, how about showing a sense of empathy?

 

[*fatmike*]

007, sorry to hear about your girl situation. but look at the bright side, there are MANY more fish in the sea and after you become a doctor that sea will pour down on you like a waterfall as you pluck the fish from its everflowing current.

 

[mightymouseal]

Look, there was a situation here, not very similar, but with similar undertones. If someone is threatened by your success, how much do you think they care about you? Here's my advice to you, start working out, take care of yourself, then REPRESENT. And if you don't catch my drift, you're SOL.

 

[Deuce 007 MD]

Originally posted by SMW
: you'll be a resident, and their lives are not all that wonderful.

That's what I've been trying to tell her. And about the promising part, I don't want to say something that I can't deliver on. She did share the bliss with me, but I don't know about a lifetime, we've only been dating 2 years. We've talked about her moving with me, but nothing solid. I'm trying to figure out what more I can offer her. Any advise? Oh, and she gets alot of these ideas from my fathers friends, who are doctors in their 40s-50s divorcing their middle aged wives for younger women.

 

[mightymouseal]

If you think you can't deliver, its over. Period. Stop making it hard, and don't rush into something you'll regret later.

 

[Deuce 007 MD]

Originally posted by mightymouseal
If you think you can't deliver, its over. Period. Stop making it hard, and don't rush into something you'll regret later.

I know what your saying, and trust me if a friend was in this position I would tell them the same thing that your telling me. But it's hard to listen to your own advise, when the ish is happening to you. So apart of me wants to do all I can to save it, that way at least I know I did all I could, and not have any regret.

 

[medicine2006]

Deuce,

Sounds like a situation I had except my ex also got into a med school but in-state and I had to leave for the East Coast. Anyways your gf's concerns about the long distance thing is valid but her insecurity is not. You want a girl that has good self-esteem and a positive self image and has ambition. If she is all these things she would not be intimidated by "smart girls you'll meet" and she would move with you and go to college. Trust me you'll want a gf/wife that is at your intellectual level.

 

[Deuce 007 MD]

Originally posted by medicine2006
Deuce,

Sounds like a situation I had except my ex also got into a med school but in-state and I had to leave for the East Coast. Anyways your gf's concerns about the long distance thing is valid but her insecurity is not. You want a girl that has good self-esteem and a positive self image and has ambition. If she is all these things she would not be intimidated by "smart girls you'll meet" and she would move with you and go to college. Trust me you'll want a gf/wife that is at your intellectual level.

So, medicine 2006 how did your situation pan out, and what did you do to deal with it.

 

[bulldog]

how old are you now deuce? describe you gf's background. she might come from a family that expects marriage at an early age. if that's the case and you can deliver any guarantees, i think it's best that you and her were to split. as an educated guy who can use the "i'm a med student" line to get girls, i think u'd be in a much better position than her to attract others than she is (unless she's one of those gorgeous ladies). consequently, she does have some right to be insecure. i don't think you can keep a girl waiting indefinitely. if you can't offer a commitment, then it's best that you both move on and give each other the space to live life the way you want it to be. if you really love someone, then leaving them might be the best option if it will bring that person more happiness.

 

[Deuce 007 MD]

Originally posted by bulldog
how old are you now deuce? describe you gf's background. she might come from a family that expects marriage at an early age. if that's the case and you can deliver any guarantees, i think it's best that you and her were to split. as an educated guy who can use the "i'm a med student" line to get girls, i think u'd be in a much better position than her to attract others than she is (unless she's one of those gorgeous ladies). consequently, she does have some right to be insecure. i don't think you can keep a girl waiting indefinitely. if you can't offer a commitment, then it's best that you both move on and give each other the space to live life the way you want it to be. if you really love someone, then leaving them might be the best option if it will bring that person more happiness.

I'm 26, and my gf is 26 and vietnamese and at least to me she is gorgeous. She always gets hit on by these 40 something year old doctors and lawyers when we go out to clubs and stuff. So she thinks I'm going to be like these old perverted guys when I become somebody. I think your right, that I shouldn't be selfish and try to hold on to her when I can't commit, but it's hard to let go.

 

[Yogi Bear]

I'm sorry to hear about your difficult situation. What school did you get into Deuce? Is there any chance that you could get into your state school instead? Maybe things can work out in the end if you end up attending school w/in commuting distance. There's still like 9 months before classes begin so you might end up being in the same area.

As a first step, I think (if you haven't already done so) you should give things a couple of days to settle down since people don't generally think clearly when they are mad and may say things that they don't really mean. Maybe on Monday or whenever her emotions have subsided, give her a call, visit her house, or as a last resort, email her and say what you have to say after you've really though things through. Just like a doctor who does his best to alleviate his patients' fears, you must do your best to alleviate your gf's fears if it is at all possible. Have you ever acted in any way that would lead to your gf thinking that you're cocky? Have you ever done anything that would make her doubt your commitment?

You're 26 now. According to USNews, the average age for marriage for guys is 27 while girls is 25. I've been to several interviews and have spoken to a few medical married medical students who are very happy w/ their situaiton. For them, they are happy that there is someone to look forward to at the end of a long day of classes/lab. Try to reach a compromise. You've known this person for two years. I think you would know enough about her by now to decide if she's the right one for you. If she is, then you should take some sort of action that will let her know that you're committed.

However, if she's not right for you, or you're uncomfortable about the commitment and its affect on your medical career, then it's probably time to move on and let her find the committment that she's looking for. Don't ever try to hold onto someone if deep down inside, you don't believe that you can. Medical school's a long a difficult trek. If you can, let that person stay behind so that they won't have to face your struggles, only to be abandoned midway if you can't fulfill your promises. Try to look at things from your gf's and well as her family's standpoint and consider the complexities involved. I'm sure she's facing pressure from her family to get married before she gets too "old". Although not necessarily true, her family may believe that she's "depreciating in value" when she's getting close to 30s but doesn't have a professional degree/career OR a husband.

Try to work things out and let us know how it turns out.

Best of luck!

 

[::Seabass::]

Originally posted by Yogi Bear
You're 26 now. According to USNews, the average age for marriage for guys is 27 while girls is 25.

wow, now USNews has become the standard for determining if you are average for marriage.

I'm not knocking on you Yogi, but that sentence just jumped out at me.

Deuce, I hope this all works out well for you, but know that everything works out in the end like it should.

 

[poloace]

don't sacrifice your education for a chick... especially one that seems like she already has issues with the current relationship.
peter

 

[cardiosurg]

SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND! TRY BEING MARRIED AND IT HAPPENING TO YOU! ARGH!! OH WELL, I WAS NOT EVEN IN MED SCHOOL YET! IT ALL WORKS OUT IN THE END! BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!

 

[Andrew_Doan]

Originally posted by Deuce 007 MD
I just had to vent my sad story. So here goes. I got my acceptance letter on Oct. 19 and it was one of the happiest days in my life. My girl and I celebrated the whole weekend. A week later she broke up with me. Her reasons being: the school is out of state and long distance relationships don't work, in four years she'll be almost 30 and might gain weight, and I'll be a doctor looking at younger & slimmer girls, she never went to college and I'll be in school with all these educated younger girls, I'll be a cocky bastard when I graduate, and I can't promise her anything until I graduate. I'm just so frustrated, one week of sheer bliss followed by such sorrow.

She's not the ONLY woman who feels this way. I've had to remind my wife again and again how much I love her and appreciate her struggles while I train. Things are much better now, but it is hard.

Younger and slimmer girls may look better, but nothing will beat the true compassion and love of a soul mate.

 

[Yogi Bear]

Originally posted by seaworthc
wow, now USNews has become the standard for determining if you are average for marriage.

I'm not knocking on you Yogi, but that sentence just jumped out at me.

Deuce, I hope this all works out well for you, but know that everything works out in the end like it should.

lol. i actually subscribed to usnews for a couple of months a few years back so those stats kinda just came to my attention and i remembered them. and, as you said, it's interesting how usnews has suddenly come into the limelight..heheh.



http://www.usnews.com/usnews/vstats/010528/vshome.htm

 

[Ryo-Ohki]

I think she wants you to pursue her. If you really like her, don't give up on her.

 

[Mike59]

Deuce,

It's all about who you want to spend the rest of your life with.
For someone to bail out on you at the most important time of your life - that raises many questions in my mind.

This "guilt-trip" style behavior is the type that leads to continuous accusations and jealousy, even if you are doing everything right.
Imagine yourself going to a conference out of town, only to come home and have to defend yourself about who you saw and what you did.

Unless someone is there for you 100%, they aren't worth the emotional or financial burden.

Despite the ridicoulous numbers everyone seems to be throwing around, you are still young. You still have plenty of time for exposure to many potential spouses who would respect you and support you.

I say get over it and start living the good life NOW! Congrats on your acceptance!

 

[Yogi Bear]

Originally posted by Mike59
Deuce,

It's all about who you want to spend the rest of your life with.
For someone to bail out on you at the most important time of your life - that raises many questions in my mind.

This "guilt-trip" style behavior is the type that leads to continuous accusations and jealousy, even if you are doing everything right.
Imagine yourself going to a conference out of town, only to come home and have to defend yourself about who you saw and what you did.

Unless someone is there for you 100%, they aren't worth the emotional or financial burden.

Despite the ridicoulous numbers everyone seems to be throwing around, you are still young. You still have plenty of time for exposure to many potential spouses who would respect you and support you.

I say get over it and start living the good life NOW! Congrats on your acceptance!

referring to my usnews stats?
btw, the median age for marriage is 35 so yes, deuce does have plenty of time. and, i think we all know that numbers mean nothing (particular rankings by usnews..hehe), since each individual case is different.

while i totally agree w/ mike59 that the "guilt-trip style behavior" is inappropriate and will lead to many many problems (having a SO being perpetually jealous is not a good way to start off a relationship), i think the important thing to recognize is the issue of reciprocity. by deuce's comments, i'm under the impression that his gf is more than willing to offer 100% devotion if he does the same in the form of an offer of commitment (in terms of fairness, why would she have to offer 100% and move with him if he is only offering 99% and can't guarantee that he'd stay w/ her). so deuce, if its something where your gf has a proven track record of insecurities stemming for no college education or an inferiority complex because you will be a doc and she isn't, then, as mike suggested, its probably best to move on to prolong the grief. however, remember that not all wives have to be professionals--many happy families consist of husbands who work and wives who are homemakers.

p.s. - the breaking up only 1 week after your acceptance was totally inappropriate/untactful.

 

[Winged Scapula]

Not that its really any of my business (but since you posted it here, I guess it is ) - but presumably at the age of 26 you've dated around a bit, and it seems to me that if you don't know what you want or whether she's "the one" after 2 years of dating, then she isn't.

Basically, its time to *&&^ or get off the pot, to put it bluntly. Whether or not she lacks confidence aside, if she's ready to get married, or wants to marry you, and you're not feeling the same way, its unfair to her to prolong things. 2 years is long enough in my book for someone of *your age* (highlighting this because had you been a few years younger I would say it wasn't) to at least have some sort of inkling about the path of this relationship.

All the ideas about her going with you, going to college to stem her fears about her lack of education, sound great - but if you can't commit to her, dragging her out of state, away from her network of friends and family is even crueler than leaving her behind if you don't make some major comittment to this girl that is agreeable to the BOTH of you.

While I think her timing stinks, its probably a reaction to all your good fortune and she's getting scared about what it means for her...so IMHO you need to do some hard thinking, talk with her about it, and make some decisions.

Good luck...(I'll be facing the same thing next year when my BF leaves for fellowship).

 

[Random Access]

Originally posted by Yogi Bear
referring to my usnews stats?
btw, the median age for marriage is 35

That's for all marriages. For first marriages, the link above says 25.0 for women, 26.7 for men.

-RA

 

[Mimicat]

BTW, not all long-distance relationships fail! When I was 26, my bf and I did 5 years long-distance (plane ride away) while he was in dental school and I did my MBA and started my career in a different city. We married at 29, and now have 3 children. This is just one example... but I think you just always hear about the l-d relationships that go down like the Titanic!!!

The key to making it work is that both of you be:

a) not jealous
b) independent
c) good communicators
d) committed both to your own path and to eventually making some compromise to bring you together.

It can work if the foundation is strong. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Andrew_Doan]

Originally posted by Kimberli Cox
Not that its really any of my business (but since you posted it here, I guess it is ) - but presumably at the age of 26 you've dated around a bit, and it seems to me that if you don't know what you want or whether she's "the one" after 2 years of dating, then she isn't.

Basically, its time to *&&^ or get off the pot, to put it bluntly. Whether or not she lacks confidence aside, if she's ready to get married, or wants to marry you, and you're not feeling the same way, its unfair to her to prolong things. 2 years is long enough in my book for someone of *your age* (highlighting this because had you been a few years younger I would say it wasn't) to at least have some sort of inkling about the path of this relationship.

All the ideas about her going with you, going to college to stem her fears about her lack of education, sound great - but if you can't commit to her, dragging her out of state, away from her network of friends and family is even crueler than leaving her behind if you don't make some major comittment to this girl that is agreeable to the BOTH of you.

While I think her timing stinks, its probably a reaction to all your good fortune and she's getting scared about what it means for her...so IMHO you need to do some hard thinking, talk with her about it, and make some decisions.

Good luck...(I'll be facing the same thing next year when my BF leaves for fellowship).

Kimberli makes a very good point here. My wife and I dated long distance for 1 year. When she left Oregon to be with me in Maryland, she asked me to make a more serious comittment. I asked her to marry me and the rest is history.

The point is that you must make a more serious comittment if you want her to stick around. Perhaps you should sit down and talk with her.

 

[Deuce 007 MD]

All of the advice and different opinions that I?ve been getting from you guys is really great. It?s helping me see things from different perspectives. There are some really caring and compassionate people on this board, who well make great physicians or who already are. Even comments from the hard asses, who I know mean well in a tough love kind of way, are taken into consideration. I just wanted to thank all you guys, and let you guys know that I?m still listening. The more advice the better. And oh yah, I have an in state interview coming up at the school were I did my undergrad, maybe if I get in there it might help the situation.

 

[Mimicat]

Good luck Deuce!!!

If you really care about each other, it will work out.

Mimi

 

[UCLA2000]

I was in the same situation a year ago...here's how it went down.

I got accepted in early October to an out of state school. I showed the letter to the girl that I had been with (on and off) for around 2 years. She seemed happy about it, and then all the phone calls stopped, and suddenly she was too busy to see me.

After a few months of not hearing from her I finally ran into her one day while I was walking around Westwood. (she was holding hands with some guy and quickly let go when she saw me).

Anyways, long story short. She said that since I was going away, there was no point in her getting emotionally invested in me. Funny part is, two months later I was accepted to UCLA med.


Here's what I learned:

NEVER base your decisions in life around a significant other, unless you are about to be married or already married. IF she really cared about you then she'd follow you to med school anyways (there are 9 people in my class whose sig others moved out for them.

Move on with your life. HOW stupid would you feel if you decided to stay in order to be with her, and then you guys broke up like a year later....

just my $.02

 

[Andrew_Doan]

Originally posted by UCLA2000
I was in the same situation a year ago...here's how it went down.

I got accepted in early October to an out of state school. I showed the letter to the girl that I had been with (on and off) for around 2 years. She seemed happy about it, and then all the phone calls stopped, and suddenly she was too busy to see me.

After a few months of not hearing from her I finally ran into her one day while I was walking around Westwood. (she was holding hands with some guy and quickly let go when she saw me).

Anyways, long story short. She said that since I was going away, there was no point in her getting emotionally invested in me. Funny part is, two months later I was accepted to UCLA med.


Here's what I learned:

NEVER base your decisions in life around a significant other, unless you are about to be married or already married. IF she really cared about you then she'd follow you to med school anyways (there are 9 people in my class whose sig others moved out for them.

Move on with your life. HOW stupid would you feel if you decided to stay in order to be with her, and then you guys broke up like a year later....

just my $.02

.... And now you're at U Penn. That's awesome.

 

[14931]

Originally posted by Ophtho_MudPhud
.... And now you're at U Penn

there's a joke in there somewhere!

 

[Deuce 007 MD]

Originally posted by UCLA2000
Anyways, long story short. She said that since I was going away, there was no point in her getting emotionally invested in me. Funny part is, two months later I was accepted to UCLA med.

Dude, the stuff that you went threw sounds almost exactly like my situation, except for the holding hands thing w/another guy. If I saw that I would denfinetly move on with my life, w/o hesitation. I also went to UCLA, and have an interview there coming up. If I get in there it might make the situation better since we both live less then 40 minutes away from there.

 

[siempre595]

Originally posted by UCLA2000
Here's what I learned:

NEVER base your decisions in life around a significant other, unless you are about to be married or already married. IF she really cared about you then she'd follow you to med school anyways



SOOO easy to say.....so hard to do......sigh

 

[The Hulk]

Originally posted by mightymouseal
Hey man, sad story. But next time, use the specified venting arena. Plus, if this chick has that little faith in you, true that may mean she has impaired self esteem but more importantly, how much faith can you have in her. Also, a point to ponder, isn't there some truth to what she's saying?

Wow... ok... I know who's shoulder I will NOT be using to cry on next time I have a sad story to tell...

 

[Deuce 007 MD]

Originally posted by The Hulk
Wow... ok... I know who's shoulder I will NOT be using to cry on next time I have a sad story to tell...

Ya, I felt the same way too, but his intentions are good.

 

[Docgeorge]

007, Sorry to hear about your woes. Sounds rough. My fiance got into med school in Kansas City and me, well lets just say they said thank you Mr. George, but no thank you. Any way it looks like I'll be going to med school some place else. If she really cared about you the long distance thing would'nt be a problem and she would'nt have this insecurity. I mean look at it this way maby she is trying to pressure you into something your not ready for. Anyway it's better you break up now then if you get married and you find out in 4 or 5 years that you have nothing in common with this girl, then your stuck with an alamony payment. One of my friends who is a ped surg said that he wished he had'nt gotten married untill after residency. He said that by the time his residency and fellowship were over he realized two things. He had no clue how he ended up married to his wife (a nurse he met while in med school) and that he could'nt stand her. He said the only thing that kept them together so long was the fact that he was working 110+ hours a week. Now he as to pay her 100,000 a year to sit on her ass unitll she get married again.

 

[Random Access]

Originally posted by Deuce 007 MD
but his intentions are good.

I honestly have gotten the reverse impression from other SDN posts and "extracurricular" activities.

 

[Deuce 007 MD]

Originally posted by freshmanritis
hey deuce. where did you get in? i have a couple of gal friends in medical school where they are cute and looking to hook up. there are so many girls in medical school free and waiting. screw that hoe your girlfriend. tell her it's your lost and u'll be in a relationship with someone in the future for sure, i guarantee it. good luck.

I got in at SLU and EVMS, and I still have some more interviews to go to. Thanks, for your post oh fresh one, it put a smile on my face, which I haven't had for about the past three weeks.

 

[UCLA2000]

Originally posted by Ophtho_MudPhud
.... And now you're at U Penn. That's awesome.

Hehe I had nothing to hold be back, so I went to the best school that I got into (I love Penn)

 

[UCLA2000]

Originally posted by Deuce 007 MD
Dude, the stuff that you went threw sounds almost exactly like my situation, except for the holding hands thing w/another guy. If I saw that I would denfinetly move on with my life, w/o hesitation. I also went to UCLA, and have an interview there coming up. If I get in there it might make the situation better since we both live less then 40 minutes away from there.

I think you may have missed the main point of my post. If you get into a better school, then don't factor in your (ex. significant other in the decision). Sorry bro, but if she really cared that much about you, then she woulddn't have dropped you on your ass.

Imagine turning down a better school, going to a school you don't want to go to, and doing it just for some girl who may break up with you a year down the line. Face it, there are people of the opposite sex in EVERY state. Don't base a decision that will have a life long impact in your life on a person of the opposite sex, because if they leave you , then you're left with the lasting impact of that decision.

 

[Deuce 007 MD]

Update.

Me and my girl broke up in Oct when I got my acceptance out of state. Then In Feb I got my acceptance to Drew/UCLA and we've been booty calling each other ever since and just got back together last week. Things are going good now, lets see how the school year goes.

 

[DD214_DOC]

You should have stayed away from her. Her dumping you when things looked like they might get tough shows how shallow she is.

 

[Doc Ivy]

Hey Deuce, good to hear that things are All Good with your girl.

Caution: this chick will not be in it for the long haul. But have fun while the summer's still hot

Peace ~Doc

 

[lil pook]

Maybe she really thinks you don't love her. Has she ever expressed insecurities about this? If she senses this, and women can be quite intuitive about such things, maybe she really is doing you both a favor.

Sorry.

 

[bivwack]

No,No ,No ,No !

Dude, I am going through a almost identical situation and you are going about this all wrong. It sounds like your GF has much of insecurity issues my recent ex had. We did same thing exact thing dated for 4 yrs, broke up for the same reason , booty calls, then back together. Its all BS. If it isn?t working out now, down the road there is a lot more time and effort invested and you will be further along in your career . You will find the stakes are much higher, and you might not be able to cash out so easy.

Obviously you care for this girl, as I do very much for my ex. But the fact of the matter is you will have to take this for what it is, a clear indication that this relationship should not be continued with any promise of future potential. You should either find yourself in a situation where you can hang out w/ this girl with no promise of fidelity or cut her out completely. If you opt for the former, I can not stress how important it is for you to find some new p#ssy, and lots of it, you will be amazed how therapeutic that combined with booty calls to the ex can be.

I hope this info can steer you straight and that you take this whole ordeal for the blessing in disguise that it is

 

[fusionid]

You should either find yourself in a situation where you can hang out w/ this girl with no promise of fidelity or cut her out completely. If you opt for the former, I can not stress how important it is for you to find some new p#ssy, and lots of it, you will be amazed how therapeutic that combined with booty calls to the ex can be.

LOL, sounds like great advice, although it is usually not up me.

Good luck with that deuce

 

[Raptor]

u know what there are going to be more girls, **** in few years you will be big pimpin and spendin cheese. you dont need her

 

[Paws]

Brother, I am a woman and even I know you are walking down a very slippery slope here. Money and MD **** aside, if someone dumps you when the going gets a little weird - and I mean friends too! - then that's ok. Adios.

Now she's back because you're going to be within walking distance??? Is she so dishonest that she couldn't even sit down, and tell you her feelings last October? She had to just 'blow you off?' Dude, your best dog would be more loyal that this woman. You will need GOOD friends during medschool when the **** hits the fan and you have no time for bullcr*p.

If you like the booty stuff, well - I don't think I need to go any further ... that would be another thread