My parents want me to be a doctor, but I don't!

[Ladynerd]

Hi, everyone! I'm a freshman math major and I am very passionate about math. You might even say I'm in love with it. If I had it my way, I would pursue a PhD in math straight after graduation, become a mathematician, and do math all day. There's just one teeny, tiny, little problem... My parents want me to be a doctor! I can't blame them; after all, they are doctors, doctors make a TON of money, they're very well-respected, and the profession is secure. But while I do love science, I'm fascinated by the theory; I'm not particularly interested in the applications, including medicine (so as you can probably tell, I don't like labs). And at the end of the day, my heart is with the field of mathematics. Nothing compares to the feeling I get when I'm doing math. It's such a beautiful, challenging subject. Whereas I don't have a passion for medicine. I can't see myself spending four miserable years in med school, then suffering through three years of residency, and spending the rest of my life as a doctor. I don't know what med school would even accept a student with such little interest in the field. I've tried explaining this to my parents, but they won't change their minds. They said I could be whatever I want, but at the same time, they're pressuring me to be a doctor. I feel like I'm the bad guy here because my parents have spent so much money on my education and by not becoming a doctor, I would be an ungrateful, disobedient brat and disappoint them. But at the same time, I don't know how I would be able to live a happy life as a doctor or if I could even be one considering my lack of interest. And I would always regret not pursuing my passion and becoming a mathematician.

I've had this conflict for YEARS and I don't know what to do. Any sincere advice would be appreciated.

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[Make Or Break]

It's simple. Don't become a doctor.

 

[Komorebi2]

End of the day, this is your one life you are living. Not your parents. The decisions you make impact YOU.

You're a freshman in college now. You are an adult. You have the right to make decisions about your future.

Tbh my parents DONT want me to become a doctor. But this is my life, there is nothing else I could imagine doing that I think will bring me more joy and fulfillment than serving the needs of others as a physician.

I know this is way easier said than done, but I told them how I felt and Ive moved on heading down the path that I want to be on.

Good luck!

 

[AspiringERMD]

I'm almost the opposite of you. Long story short, I have always had a passion for medicine but tried to force myself into math/CS. I did graduate with an undergraduate degree in mathematics (and did very well, and even occasionally had fun doing it), but I had no desire to pursue an advanced math degree. So I got a job in programming and was making more money than all of my recently-graduated friends. (There is a point to this shameless bragging, I swear.)

All the money in the world, and even the great coworkers that I had, could not come close to compensating for the fact that my heart wasn't in my work. I just didn't care. And the more I realized how little I cared (literally not at all), the more miserable I became until I quit and went back to school to take the pre-med prerequisites.

I'm going to be broke for awhile, and I'm making huge interpersonal sacrifices starting this fall, but I've never felt so much like things are the way they should be now. Don't become a doctor if your heart isn't in it, OP. Go be the best damn mathematician you can be and live your life feeling fulfilled. I guarantee you 100% you will regret it if you don't, and you'll ultimately grow bitter and resentful.

Good luck, fellow lady math nerd!

 

[Ladynerd]

Make or Break, it's not that simple. My brother decided he will be a lawyer instead of a doctor. I fully support his decision, but I can tell my parents are disappointed in him. Once I asked my mom why HE doesn't have to be a doctor while I do, and she responded, "Because you're my good child." And if I do decide to pursue math, my parents will probably say "I told you so!" whenever I struggle with it. I guess I'm just scared of starting a big conflict with the two people who care about me the most.

 

[Ladynerd]

AspiringERMD, wow! Your story is so inspirational! Congratulations and good luck in med school!

 

[MDporfavor8888]

i think the answer is pretty simple... don't become a doctor
you sound like you have typical asian parents (i apologize if you're not asian)... at least i do

 

[Godspeedyou]

 

[AspiringERMD]

AspiringERMD, wow! Your story is so inspirational! Congratulations and good luck in med school!

Thank you, but PLEASE learn from my mistake. I'll be matriculating at 28 and wondering how I'm going to fit in having kids. Had I gone with my passion in the first place, I could be nearly done with residency by now.

 

[WillburCobb]

Just submit and become a doctor

















...of philosophy in mathematics!

 

[MrLogan13]

Then don't.

 

[IslandStyle808]

Why don't you make a ton of money doing what you love instead.

I'll drop this link here to make the choice more easy, since you want a PhD you will definitely be making the median.

http://www.bls.gov/ooh/math/mathematicians.htm

 

[NickNaylor]

Doing something like medicine for extrinsic rather than intrinsic is the best way to live a miserable life.

 

[Rainbow Zebra]

Make or Break, it's not that simple. My brother decided he will be a lawyer instead of a doctor. I fully support his decision, but I can tell my parents are disappointed in him. Once I asked my mom why HE doesn't have to be a doctor while I do, and she responded, "Because you're my good child." And if I do decide to pursue math, my parents will probably say "I told you so!" whenever I struggle with it. I guess I'm just scared of starting a big conflict with the two people who care about me the most.

Seems like you should garner support from your brother, as he already did the heavy lifting already of following his passion. You will be surprised that a little disappointment from your parents is not the end of the world. They will get over it, because in the end, they do care about you. Give them the old standard "you taught me well, now let me use my talents to the best of my ability". Spending 8 years in med school/residency isn't worth it if you don't have a passion for it. My father's family is Indian, and I see this with the cousins all the time. They "disappoint" the parents, but then soon the parents are bragging about how great of a programmer number one son became, or how he/she got a pharmacy/engineering job that pays really well. Best wishes to you.

 

[medguy24]

I'm my opinion go ahead and major in mathematic while still taking the pre-med requirements and that way you can tell your parents you'll become a doctor for now and then in four years (your only a freshman so you got four years till you have to apply) you can decide what you want to do when your older more mature and maybe even have a wife!
Good luck!

 

[referee3]

:troll:

 

[DokterMom]

You already know the answer to this one --
You just don't want to disappoint your parents.

Figure out how and when to break it to them, and be prepared with information that will show them that you will be able to have a secure and financially successful life.

 

[Mr.Zero]

If you get get a PhD, you will still be a doctor! Just a different kind

 

[Promethean]

It really actually is that simple.

Your parents can't have everything that they want. Presumably, they want 1) healthy, happy, living children who are fulfilled in their careers and may even go on to have children of their own. Also, 2) doctors. If you don't want to be a physician, then it is pretty certain that you are going to have to choose between 1 and 2. There just isn't a reality where they can have both, if that isn't what you want to spend the next 10 years of your life training for, and the next 40 years doing.

Your parents are asking you to make an unfair sacrifice of your dreams for theirs. Your actual life, for the one they imagine for you. It is no trade at all, and they will come to see that in time. Now that you are an adult, it is your parents' turn to grow up and deal with reality as they find it, rather than as they wish it to be. The only thing that could make it less simple than that would be if you go along with their fantasies instead of being true to yourself.

 

[Doug Underhill]

Usually, the parents have the best interest of their children in mind: they don't want them to make choices that will ruin their lives. However, if you can actually become a mathematician, that should still be a lucrative career.

 

[candbgirl]

You're 18-19? Pursue your math. Take some med school pre-reqs. See how you feel in a couple of years. And grow up. It's your life. I suppose your parents are totally supporting you? Make plans to get a job and start doing your own things. Maybe they'll eventually see your point of view and maybe they won't. But to pursue med school only because you are the "good child" is beyond comprehension. You would be so horribly unhappy and your patients would know it.

Sent from my KFOT using Tapatalk 2

 

[Goro]

You're an adult now. You're old enough to work, pay taxes, vote, drive, and fight and die for your country. Therefore, you're old enough to grow a spine and tell your parents "I don't want to be a doctor".

The alternative is you "committing suicide by cop" academically...ie, doing so poorly in school so that you're academically competitive for med school.

So keep taking your math courses. You can tell them truthfully that one doesn't have to be a bio major to be a pre-med.

If they say "fine, we won't pay for your education", then you get a job, move out, save money, go to school part time where you can find the cheapest tuition, and pursue your dream that way.

Hi, everyone! I'm a freshman math major and I am very passionate about math. You might even say I'm in love with it. If I had it my way, I would pursue a PhD in math straight after graduation, become a mathematician, and do math all day. There's just one teeny, tiny, little problem... My parents want me to be a doctor! I can't blame them; after all, they are doctors, doctors make a TON of money, they're very well-respected, and the profession is secure. But while I do love science, I'm fascinated by the theory; I'm not particularly interested in the applications, including medicine (so as you can probably tell, I don't like labs). And at the end of the day, my heart is with the field of mathematics. Nothing compares to the feeling I get when I'm doing math. It's such a beautiful, challenging subject. Whereas I don't have a passion for medicine. I can't see myself spending four miserable years in med school, then suffering through three years of residency, and spending the rest of my life as a doctor. I don't know what med school would even accept a student with such little interest in the field. I've tried explaining this to my parents, but they won't change their minds. They said I could be whatever I want, but at the same time, they're pressuring me to be a doctor. I feel like I'm the bad guy here because my parents have spent so much money on my education and by not becoming a doctor, I would be an ungrateful, disobedient brat and disappoint them. But at the same time, I don't know how I would be able to live a happy life as a doctor or if I could even be one considering my lack of interest. And I would always regret not pursuing my passion and becoming a mathematician.

I've had this conflict for YEARS and I don't know what to do. Any sincere advice would be appreciated.

 

[wegotthis14]

I know someone who was just like you and loved math. He would try to invent his own theorems in high school and he spent his weekends doing math because he loved it so much. His parents wanted him to pursue a more "applicable" degree and forced him into a 5-year pharmacy program. He stuck with it for a few years, but his heart wasn't in it. He ended up transferring to a different school, majoring it math (and loving it) and now he works for Google.

 

[Ladynerd]

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies! I guess I should (respectfully) break it to my parents that I want to pursue math instead of medicine when I go home again... This is gonna be tough.

 

[Rainbow Zebra]

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies! I guess I should (respectfully) break it to my parents that I want to pursue math instead of medicine when I go home again... This is gonna be tough.

THrow in the guilt trip, tell them: "you loved and supported me so well, I now feel courageous and strong enough to strike out on my own, to follow my dream. I know that you will always love and support me. It was through your example that I know what is now the best course for me." They can't argue with how great they were as parents. Maybe a tad bit manipulative, but geez, calling you the "good child" sort of warrants this, IMHO. Good Luck, it will all be fine in the end.

 

[wannabeMD38]

"When you don't have to get paid for the job you do, you have become truly successful" - someone much smarter than I

 

[deleted577188]

I don't know why this is, but I always find it very hard to believe that any parent with a moderate level of understanding and respect would force their child to become a doctor. Personally I just don't believe that this happens to the extent of which people make it seem. This is just my opinion.

 

[MurphysLaw92]

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies! I guess I should (respectfully) break it to my parents that I want to pursue math instead of medicine when I go home again... This is gonna be tough.

Hi ladynerd, I read your post and I thought maybe I could offer 1. words of advice and 2. words of encouragement.
You're young. You do not have to make a decision on what the rest of your life is going to look like right now. Do what makes you happy right now. If what makes you happy changes in 4 years then do what makes you happy then. I didn't decide I wanted to go to medical school until I was a junior in college and becoming a doctor has to be something you are passionate about. You have to want to live, eat, breathe and rarely sleep medicine. It has to be your passion. For me it is. I absolutely fell completely in love with medicine. From what you wrote it sounds like that is how you feel about math. Do you know how awesome that is to find something you love and is your passion? I know a lot of Ph.D students and they are all very happy because they chose to do what they love. Your parents will be proud of you. They may have hoped for you to become a doctor, but they are going to be happy for you as long as you are happy. At your age I had no clue what I was going to do with my life. You'll be great no matter what as long as you are happy. And I bet your parents will be perfectly fine. But if you do decide one day that medicine is you passion then you will have a big group of mentors and cheerleaders here on SDN to talk to. Best of luck and I hope you have a great rest of your freshman year!

 

[caffeinemia]

big group of mentors and cheerleaders here on SDN to talk to.

And hooligans. Don't exclude me.

 

[MurphysLaw92]

And hooligans. Don't exclude me.

Hooligans make the best mentors lol

 

[Ladynerd]

I tried talking about it to my mom just now. She said (in a rather irritated tone), "Fine. Don't study medicine. Do math for the rest of your life. But many girls have been forced into medicine by their parents and they're grateful for that now." This is her typical answer whenever I try to bring up the subject. Thinking about all the stories and advice I've gotten from this forum (and everyone I've talked to in real life other than my parents), I felt suspicious about her reply and asked how many. She said, "Oh, I don't know. But many." I didn't believe her, but she then told me she was really stressed, and I knew that prying any further would only make her more irritated. In fact, now that I think about it, this always happens whenever I get the courage to try to talk to her about my career plans, even when she's in a good mood. She just gives me a "hand-wavy" response and gets annoyed if I try to continue discussing it with her. I don't know how to get her to sit down and have a serious discussion about it. I guess I'll try talking to my dad tomorrow, even though he'll probably respond similarly. It's very frustrating.

 

[MurphysLaw92]

I tried talking about it to my mom just now. She said (in a rather irritated tone), "Fine. Don't study medicine. Do math for the rest of your life. But many girls have been forced into medicine by their parents and they're grateful for that now." This is her typical answer whenever I try to bring up the subject. Thinking about all the stories and advice I've gotten from this forum (and everyone I've talked to in real life other than my parents), I felt suspicious about her reply and asked how many. She said, "Oh, I don't know. But many." I didn't believe her, but she then told me she was really stressed, and I knew that prying any further would only make her more irritated. In fact, now that I think about it, this always happens whenever I get the courage to try to talk to her about my career plans, even when she's in a good mood. She just gives me a "hand-wavy" response and gets annoyed if I try to continue discussing it with her. I don't know how to get her to sit down and have a serious discussion about it. I guess I'll try talking to my dad tomorrow, even though he'll probably respond similarly. It's very frustrating.

Is your mom a doctor @Ladynerd ? (I have one of those and they can be very hard to talk to on a personal level). You might try approaching it by asking your parents why they chose the career path they did. If they are doctors maybe ask them why they became doctors. If what you are looking for is a job that pays well, has social status and job security, those are not good enough reasons to become a doctor. Maybe get your parents talking about what they are passionate about, if it isn't medicine or their current career paths, do they miss their passion or regret not deciding to make a career out of it? If you get them talking about something they are truly passionate about, it might make them remember what that feels like. It's like falling in love for the first time or being young and in love, sometimes our parents forget what that felt like and when they remember it is a lot easier for them to relate to us. I'm sure if you get your parents remembering something more than paying the bills and surviving adult life's monotonous responsibilities, they will be more supportive of your decision to follow your heart. Good luck. I hope this helps a bit.

 

[Make Or Break]

I tried talking about it to my mom just now. She said (in a rather irritated tone), "Fine. Don't study medicine. Do math for the rest of your life. But many girls have been forced into medicine by their parents and they're grateful for that now." This is her typical answer whenever I try to bring up the subject. Thinking about all the stories and advice I've gotten from this forum (and everyone I've talked to in real life other than my parents), I felt suspicious about her reply and asked how many. She said, "Oh, I don't know. But many." I didn't believe her, but she then told me she was really stressed, and I knew that prying any further would only make her more irritated. In fact, now that I think about it, this always happens whenever I get the courage to try to talk to her about my career plans, even when she's in a good mood. She just gives me a "hand-wavy" response and gets annoyed if I try to continue discussing it with her. I don't know how to get her to sit down and have a serious discussion about it. I guess I'll try talking to my dad tomorrow, even though he'll probably respond similarly. It's very frustrating.

She said "Fine."

I don't know what is still the problem. Are they going to tie you up and force you to become a doctor or something? You already know that you wont make them happy with your decision not to become a doctor. So what else can you do?

 

[Ladynerd]

Yes, MurphysLaw92, my parents are doctors. My mom has a very interesting background. She got her MD outside of the US and stopped working to raise her children. She studied for the USMLE (she has an important exam on Monday and Tuesday, so that's why she's stressed), and now she's in her 2nd year of residency. I asked her what keeps her going, and she said, "Helping other people is very satisfying." (but if I became a mathematician, I'd be helpful, just indirectly ). My parents are very passionate about what they do and have not taken any math beyond trigonometry, so I can see why they can't understand why I want to be a mathematician and not a doctor.

 

[Ladynerd]

Make or Break, I'm financially dependent on my parents. I'm scared they'll support my education only if I pursue medicine.

 

[blueharbor]

You're so lucky to have something you're so passionate about this early in life (especially a passion that will pay the bills). Follow it and don't look back!

 

[blueharbor]

Oh and by the way - even if your parents withdraw their financial support, student loans exist. You can do it on your own if you have to, and it won't be the end of the world.

 

[candbgirl]

1) you told her. She said fine! Drop it.
2)Stop bating her with questions like "how many".
3)you are an adult. Grow up! Get a job if you have to. In fact get a job anyway! Grow a backbone and pursue what you want! If they decide not to pay for college get loans!
4) you really need to stop arguing with your parents! It serves no purpose.

 

[Promethean]

As others have said, take that "Fine" and run with it. Don't bring it up again, with either of them. If either of them bring it up with you, hold fast.

They aren't going to withdraw support. What? Are they going to watch their daughter struggle and starve? Not very likely.

Nuclear weapons are terrible things, so terrible that they work best when they aren't used... they are considered deterrents. The idea is that the threat is so awful that people will comply with demands or otherwise moderate their behavior to avoid the consequences. Withdrawing support is your parent's nuclear option... as long as you are afraid of that, they have you by the hair. But if they used it, they would have nothing else in their arsenal. Not only would you realize that you can survive without them, but it would hurt them to know that their daughter was doing without things she needs when it is in their power to help her.

 

[Flashfan]

Spend you time doing ECs related to math, including research, supplement your education by learning coding, etc. By the time that you graduate you will not be a viable med school candidate, but you will be marketable to a lot of industries that hire math majors. If your goal is to get a PhD in math or just work on Wall Street creating mathematical models or working in the tech industry, you want to have work experience, excellent LORs and internship opportunities. Your parents can't run those hours you are on campus. Don't do clinical volunteering, shadow or do non-math research.

 

[DokterMom]

I tried talking about it to my mom just now. She said (in a rather irritated tone), "Fine. Don't study medicine. Do math for the rest of your life. But many girls have been forced into medicine by their parents and they're grateful for that now." This is her typical answer whenever I try to bring up the subject. Thinking about all the stories and advice I've gotten from this forum (and everyone I've talked to in real life other than my parents), I felt suspicious about her reply and asked how many. She said, "Oh, I don't know. But many." I didn't believe her, but she then told me she was really stressed, and I knew that prying any further would only make her more irritated. In fact, now that I think about it, this always happens whenever I get the courage to try to talk to her about my career plans, even when she's in a good mood. She just gives me a "hand-wavy" response and gets annoyed if I try to continue discussing it with her. I don't know how to get her to sit down and have a serious discussion about it. I guess I'll try talking to my dad tomorrow, even though he'll probably respond similarly. It's very frustrating.

You talked to her. She said "Fine" then dismissed you. I'd suggest you drop it. You know she really didn't mean "fine" -- but that's OK. You've put her on notice and done the right thing. Let the subject lie for a while and give her time to get used to the idea. (You know what will happen if you press the point -- It's not like she'll admit she was wrong and change her mind.)

There are plenty of reasons why your being a mathematician will be advantageous for her, including the disproportionate number of intelligent and successful men in the field and the relative lack of barriers to getting married and having kids within your 'biological clock' time frame. Wait until the time is right and she or your dad bring up medicine again before using your ammunition.

 

[kzjb333]

Radiation Oncology sounds like a good fit for you.

 

[Psai]

I tried talking about it to my mom just now. She said (in a rather irritated tone), "Fine. Don't study medicine. Do math for the rest of your life. But many girls have been forced into medicine by their parents and they're grateful for that now." This is her typical answer whenever I try to bring up the subject. Thinking about all the stories and advice I've gotten from this forum (and everyone I've talked to in real life other than my parents), I felt suspicious about her reply and asked how many. She said, "Oh, I don't know. But many." I didn't believe her, but she then told me she was really stressed, and I knew that prying any further would only make her more irritated. In fact, now that I think about it, this always happens whenever I get the courage to try to talk to her about my career plans, even when she's in a good mood. She just gives me a "hand-wavy" response and gets annoyed if I try to continue discussing it with her. I don't know how to get her to sit down and have a serious discussion about it. I guess I'll try talking to my dad tomorrow, even though he'll probably respond similarly. It's very frustrating.

that's bs dude she totally made that up
don't live the rest of your life upset because your mom made you be a doctor

 

[Ladynerd]

Radiation Oncology sounds like a good fit for you.

But apparently, radiation oncologists don't use any math beyond trigonometry!

http://forums.studentdoctor.net/threads/math-in-radiation-oncology.778107/
http://forums.studentdoctor.net/threads/do-you-have-to-be-good-at-math-for-rad-onc.1089096/

 

[ThisCouldBeYou]

Hey Lady, I commend you for thinking of the future, but don't completely diss your parent's hopes just yet. I fully "went for pre-med" all throughout college and I still might go ahead with that direction. But meanwhile, I'm exploring some alternative choices. Luckily I have them. Right now, I'm able to continue with both. My point: pursue both for now.

 

[Ladynerd]

Hey Lady, I commend you for thinking of the future, but don't completely diss your parent's hopes just yet. I fully "went for pre-med" all throughout college and I still might go ahead with that direction. But meanwhile, I'm exploring some alternative choices. Luckily I have them. Right now, I'm able to continue with both. My point: pursue both for now.

I'll probably be able to complete all the pre-med requirements by the time I graduate. I happen to love science, especially chemistry, and job prospects for mathematicians are better if you have a degree in another field, so I was thinking of pursuing a second BS in chemistry anyway. So all I would have to do in order to fulfill med school requirements is take Genetics and Cell/Molecular Biology. I just hope I can survive those dreadful labs!

 

[IslandStyle808]

I don't know why this is, but I always find it very hard to believe that any parent with a moderate level of understanding and respect would force their child to become a doctor. Personally I just don't believe that this happens to the extent of which people make it seem. This is just my opinion.

I have seen it far too many times. It can be true for anything, families just don't make light of it. If your grandfather and father had a plumbing business, they would want you, the son/daughter, to be a plumber. If your dad wanted to be a doctor and could not be one due to not being smart enough or financial constraints, he could just as well push that dream on to you. It doesn't happen to the majority families, but it does happen to a good chunk of them.

 

[rbnsafsadgf]

Think about talking to a psychologist or therapist at your school to discuss your feelings about this and ways to talk to your parents. You aren't alone in this situation.

Why not do math? No overnights!

 

[Wakadaka]

easy answer- become a doctor, be rich, powerful, respected. do math as a hobby

 

[Flashfan]

Do math become very rich and marry a poor doctor.