New Here, with lots of questions!

[MD PhD Wife]

Hi everyone! I'm so thrilled to have found a place where people can understand the life my family lives. I wish I had looked years ago!

My DH is in an MD/PhD program. He's completed his first 2 years of MS and will have completed his PhD work by the end of this year . At this point he begins MS3. It's been a really long road, and now reality is beginning to set in about the residency years I've been dreading from the first day we met. DH hasn't really decided on his specialty yet so we haven't begun the process of looking into programs. The possibilities include: opthalmology, neurology (his PhD work is in neuroscience), or oncology. Since reading about different "family friendly" specialties, we've been considering anesthesiology and radiology.

I'm finding myself full of anxiety and stress as we get closer to being done. One of the major reasons is the good chance of moving. We have 2 children. Our oldest is from my previous marriage and she's 6. Our youngest is almost 3. We share joint custody with my ex husband and his new wife. The relationship isn't very good and there's a long history of conflict. There is no chance he'll agree to let us move with our daughter, so there is no doubt we'll end up in court and a judge will have to decide. I get sick to my stomach at the possibility that the hearing will not be in our favor. DH and I have discussed this at great length and the two things we will not consider is him leaving without us and us leaving our daughter. That being said, if we end up having to stay where we currently are, that drastically reduces our specialty options and opportunities. It would break my heart for my husband to work his tail off for so long to not even end up in a field he's qualified or deserving of. Has anyone here been in similar circumstances or have any advice they can share?

As much as the thought of moving to an unknown place where I have no friends or family, raising my daughters pretty much as a single parent, and never seeing my DH, scares the hell out of me, but I am willing to sacrifice and do it. I just don't know about the legal battle it's going to take to get there. At what point do I start the legal process? How do I even approach the matter since we don't know where we will be going until Match Day? I don't want to wait until then, because DH will be deciding his specialty based on if we can or cannot move.

I appreciate any advice anyone is able to offer! Thanks!

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[RossFamily]

hey there. i saw that you registered on iMSN also, but unfortunately the site is still down.

i really cant offer you much advice on your current situation, but it does sound hard. im sorry that all of you are dealing with this.

the only thing we can share are stories about our 3 year olds.

maybe i'll see you on the other board.

take care.

 

[Sweenracer]

I'm in a very similar situation. My wife is in her 3rd year of residency for Internal Medicine. She has always planned on going into Oncology which is a three year fellowship. We have one 2 year old child together, and another 10year old child from my ex. We have a split custody arrangement, but I have physical custody. She lives with us and spends every other weekend and Mondays with her mom. We live in the Philadelphia Area. My ex would never agree to let us move from the area (as a matter of fact, my ex wants to move to New York City, because her fiance works there and commutes from Philly... I told her that if she moves, my daughter stays here, I will not drop off or pick up from New York on her weekends, she will have to drive, and she would have to give up Mondays because of school). This seriously limited my wife's options for fellowship. We decided that she would still apply, but only locally. This really only left her about 5 or 6 fellowship oppurtunities, with only about 10-15 openings. They are all really competitive, and there are hundreds of applicants. She's a resident at Einstein Hospital which is a Jefferson hospital... she won the Einstein Oncology award at Einstein, and got a very good recommendation from the head of Oncology... so this was one of her best bets. Also she had previously worked at Fox Chase Cancer Center, as well as done several rotations through there... so this was another good bet. But all the other programs were longshots. She is a D.O. so Penn was not a good choice (who typically only takes their own MD's... they are too snooty I guess). She got 3interviews, one for each of those places, plus 1 in Newark, NJ (which would have been a 2 hour commute) so she turned that one down. At this point, we are waiting for the match next month to see if she got one of the two openings. She is a very good candidate, but we definitely have a backup plan... she may do a cheif resident year if she does not get the fellowship, wait a year, and possibly look into a Nephrology fellowship or just start working as an Internist.

So we have had to be very flexible... and there is the possiblility that she will not be able to go into the specialty that she wants... But at this point, it has been such a long road getting this far, that we will be happy wherever she ends up... It's better than moving away from my daughter. It has been the center of a few arguments, because it is a sacrifice. But it is something we can't change. We are just really hoping she gets one of the 2 openings... We'll find out next month!

 

[Sweenracer]

Update: Well my wife did not match for her fellowship. Which really stinks because she was VERY qualified. She is probably the first person to get the Oncology award for interns at her hospital and not get into a fellowship. Which makes me think that there is some screwed up ways that these programs select their fellows. A little annoyed at a certain place that goes by the intials FCCC... My wife wasted a lot of time doing research for nothing. Maybe she did not kiss enough... well you know. Their loss. Anyhow, seems like my wife will be staying in Internal Medicine and we can finally get on with our lives... But now she has given up on the specialty that she wanted (and deserved). We had to put all our eggs into one basket (two actually)... and our basket was just tossed off the roof...

Guess it's time for Plan B! The good part about all this, is now we can finally move on. One last year of residency and then she can get a real job. The thought of an extra three years of fellowship, well, it seemed like our life was on hold.