Things I would like to scream at my patients but don?t (usually): Don?t tell both your wife and your girlfriend that you?re going to the ER. When they show up at the same time and meet it?s bad for all of us but especially for you. Don?t present me with your REAL chief complaint after I?ve signed you out and am leaving the room. If you have genital discharge let me know in your first two sentences. Know your meds. Don?t get snippy and tell me to look it up in your chart. IF you?ve ever been to my hospital and IF your chart is on campus and IF the med record people can find it I will not see it for at least 4-6 hours. You are welcome to chill out and wait. Don?t tell me that you achieved that rectal foreign body by hanging a lamp naked and you fell off a ladder. If I look stupid enough to believe that do you really want me doing procedures on you? Don?t ask me if I can call you with all of your test results and let you know if there is anything to worry about. You came to the EMERGENCY ROOM because you thought you were having an EMERGENCY remember? If you wanted an outpatient workup you should have seen your primary doc. Don?t yell at me because the highway patrol took your driver?s license. You can?t imagine how much I have nothing to do with that.