Parents insisting on paying for medical school.

[ilovebrown]

Hi everyone!

I'll be going to medical school this August and my patents are offering to pay 40k/year towards my tuition. My school's COA is 85k/year, I got 30k in scholarships and 55k in loans, which is enough to cover the entire COA.

I'm really thankful that my parents are willing to pay, but I can see their finances/bank statements and I know for a fact that they don't have that kind of money. They're planning to refinance the house/borrow from their 401k to get the money. I've tried so many times to refuse the money, but they keep insisting. They told me that in Chinese culture, it's considered a huge honor for parents to pay for an Ivy League medical school and they're happy to do it even if it means delaying retirement for 4 years. They've been looking forward to retirement for years, and already made vacation/travel plans. Also, my mom is extremely sick and the thought of her working for another 4 years to help pay for medical school makes me want to cry. Believe me when I say that I've exhausted every possible idea for convincing them to not pay using logic/conversation.

So...ultimately I decided to force it. I was supposed to refuse 40k from my federal loans, but I lied to them and never refused the money. The deadline for refusing has already passed. I told them this yesterday and they were furious. They're going down to the financial aid office next week and they're talking to their accountant/lawyer to see if they have a legal right to pay (which I don't think they do?). I guess I don't really have a specific question. Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and if so, how did you deal with it?

Thanks!

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[LoveBeingHuman:)]

I guess just pay them back later?

 

[SpartanWolverine]

If they have an accountant familiar with their finances hopefully they will be counseled on the pros and cons of such a decision.

I agree with 'pay them back later'. You'll have plenty of resources in a handful of years if you have minimal loans.

 

[getdown]

Jesus man. They're literally offering you an out of being in debt. I understand you think you're being a burden to them but just buy them a nice vacation when you're an attending to show your gratitude or pay them back slowly. Having a ton of debt coming out of med school is literally the worst thing about medical school.

 

[ilovebrown]

I guess just pay them back later?

Unfortunately I can't. My parents will likely be gone by the time I can pay them back. I want them to use their hard-earned money to enjoy their retirement, not work another 4 years to pay for medical school.

 

[deleted870424]

OP if you don’t want it I’ll take it.

 

[ilovebrown]

Jesus man. They're literally offering you an out of being in debt. I understand you think you're being a burden to them but just buy them a nice vacation when you're an attending to show your gratitude or pay them back slowly. Having a ton of debt coming out of med school is literally the worst thing about medical school.

I considered that already, but I honestly don't think they'll be here anymore when I have the money to pay them back. Also, they would have to delay retirement and work another 4 years...and my mom is really sick/her job makes her miserable. I don't want them to spend the final years of their lives working to pay for medical school.

 

[JustaDO]

First world problems

 

[kamakazi5]

Just tell them no? They'll get over it. They can't force you to let them pay.

 

[Rajaredhilu]

you are fortunate, if they want to do it then take the money. If not for you, do it for all of us who will be buried in debt

 

[Goro]

Make it in trade...You do you, and let your parents fund a scholarship for a classmate.

 

[mw18]

Make it in trade...You do you, and let your parents fund a scholarship for a classmate.

I don't think OP's issue is mainly the principle of taking the money/not earning their own way, as much as his or her parents having to delay retirement and keep working. The trade doesn't fix the main issue.

OP, I think you've done all you can do, but you're assuming to know what would bring your parents more satisfaction. I think you may be doing more harm than good. And dishonoring your parents and accumulating 160k in extra debt is lose/lose.

 

[thatchemguy]

Seeing as they are so inflexible and will go to any means to pay for you, you should accept their decision. The most satisfaction parents get is from seeing their kids succeed and achieve their dreams, and your parents want to be part of it! You can always try to get them to retire at some point, maybe in your 2nd year of med school you can compromise with them and convince them to retire and let you handle the rest of the cost.

 

[RNtoMD87]

Let them pay for you. As you said, the Chinese take great pride and joy in taking care of their children. I am Caucasian and my family is the same way. I do as much as I can on my own, but I realize my grandmother feels guilty that she put my cousin through for her PhD, and I haven't needed help, but I will probably let her help me some later.

 

[theKingLT]

3 principles for happy living:
1.) Giving is one of the best things you can do because it benefits everyone involved.
2.) Not accepting a gift is one of the worst things you can do because it benefits no one.
3.) Grab a beer whenever you get a chance

 

[GoCubsGo20]

To answer your question, no, I don't think anyone has been in a similar situation.

 

[smukke]

I have the perfect solution. You can give me your loan money. See, problem solved.

Really though, there's a point where you should just accept it and tell them how much you appreciate it, I think you might be at that point if they actually do go to the fin aid office. Just like you should have happily accepted the lunches your mom used to pack for you even though all your classmates made fun of what you were eating. Old people don't have much left in life to enjoy, spoiling their kids is one of them

If you still want to try turning it down you could make the financial argument that carrying some amount of educational loans is beneficial in that there is a tax benefit at least during residency, it functions as a faux life/disability insurance, some employers will offer loan incentives, builds credit, etc. You'd have to work out the numbers but it might be worth bringing up to the accountant.

 

[holdthemayo]

It is their money. Like you said they worked hard for it. It is entirely up to them how they want to spend it. I can tell that your concerns are coming from a place of love, but maybe the best way to show you love them is to honor their gift by frequently thanking them and working your ass off in med school.

 

[LizzyM]

As I understand it, they have a duty to pay for your education and you will have the duty to care for them in their old age.

Don't be so sure that you can predict how long they will live. I had a relative who had every bad health habit you could imagine. We didn't think she'd live to see 65 but she survived to 83.

 

[Nucleophile1]

They told me that in Chinese culture, it's considered a huge honor for parents to pay for an Ivy League medical school and they're happy to do it even if it means delaying retirement for 4 years.

If it makes them happy, let them do it. They worked hard for that money and are entitled to spend however they choose. There are tons and tons of medical students who would love to be in your position.

 

[RNtoMD87]

So just out of my curiosity what kind of institution are you borrowing money from after the federal limit?

 

[raiderette]

Borrowing from their 401(k) is a horrible idea. Please explain to them that they are not only going to pay more in interest, the money will not be earning them any money during this time. A refinance of the house is not ideal, but they really shouldn't touch their retirement plan at all. See if they can compromise, maybe helping to pay loans while in residency.

 

[PreMedMissteps]

Just tell them no? They'll get over it. They can't force you to let them pay.

This

 

[OchemOficionado]

I was supposed to refuse 40k from my federal loans, but I lied to them and never refused the money. The deadline for refusing has already passed.

You’ve gotten a lot of input, OP. I just want to add that if your federal loan(s) have not disbursed yet, which they have not, then there is no possible way that you’ve missed the deadline to decline them.

 

[Tenk]

Umm even if you accept loans you can just turn around and hand the money right back. None of this makes any sense.

Let your parents do what they want to do. They are adults. It’s their life. For most parents seeing their kids succeed is more important than retirement, vacations or their health in general.

 

[ilovebrown]

Thank you everybody for the input!!

 

[wonder12]

Compromise — accept $20k/year or whatever they can give you that doesn’t cause them to dip into their 401K.