Personal Dilemma -- Best School or Girlfriend?

[FlunkTank]

Hey Everyone,

I am really grateful to have acceptances at a few great schools. I am choosing between Michigan, Temple, UTSW and Duke. My girlfriend was also accepted to Michigan and Temple, but not Duke or UTSW. My girlfriend has stated she would break up with me if I choose any other school than Michigan (which is where she has 100% decided to go). I've narrowed it down to basically Michigan or Duke, but I'm waiting until Michigan scholarship decisions come out and a financial package from Duke. Duke is ultimately the better school for my interests (love the third year research opportunities), but I don't really want to lose my girlfriend either.

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[Wolfman89]

Would you be happy in Michigan's program?

Second how long have you and your girlfriend been dating?

 

[LebLlama]

#1 rule ive learned through my life experiences so far:

NEVER EVER put anyone before yourself or opportunities that would better your life. Youll get burned.

Relationships often dont work out anyway, what if you went to Mich and you broke up there?

Yu cant put her before your needs, wants, and opportunities. Also, being that she told you its over if you dont choose the school SHE has decided on, I think she lives by this rule as well. She's not putting you first.

My opinion - Forget her.

 

[FlunkTank]

Would you be happy in Michigan's program?

Second how long have you and your girlfriend been dating?

Michigan is nice, but it's not ideal for me. I'm still undecided on a specialty, but I'm thinking something competitive. Duke would give me more time to explore because of elective rotations and how all rotations are in 2nd year.

We have been dating for about 2 years... however, she hasn't told her parents. it's weird, I know.

 

[FlunkTank]

#1 rule ive learned through my life experiences so far:

NEVER EVER put anyone before yourself or opportunities that would better your life. Youll get burned.

Relationships often dont work out anyway, what if you went to Mich and you broke up there?

Yu cant put her before your needs, wants, and opportunities. Also, being that she told you its over if you dont choose the school SHE has decided on, I think she lives by this rule as well. She's not putting you first.

My opinion - Forget her.

This is my biggest concern. Also, what if I grew to resent her because I gave up a school I like more? On the other hand, I'd have companionship and support throughout my time at Michigan. And, who knows.. we might end up together. Unfortunately, there aren't any guarantees in this..

 

[cliffhuxtableDO]

Michigan is nice, but it's not ideal for me. I'm still undecided on a specialty, but I'm thinking something competitive. Duke would give me more time to explore because of elective rotations and how all rotations are in 2nd year.

We have been dating for about 2 years... however, she hasn't told her parents. it's weird, I know.

red flag. do what you need to do for you.

 

[metallica81788]

If she's not willing to even try long distance and has presented you with an ultimatum, she's not worth it.

If you're even real/serious....

 

[FlunkTank]

If she's not willing to even try long distance and has presented you with an ultimatum, she's not worth it.

If you're even real/serious....

I should mention that she says she wouldn't do long distance because it would be too painful for her, especially when I could choose to be with her at a good school. I don't think it's that selfish of her to think this way, but it's still really hard for me..

I feel so young to be making decisions about the rest of my life like this.. only 21 here.

 

[MadAznScientist]

Hey Everyone,

I am really grateful to have acceptances at a few great schools. I am choosing between Michigan, Temple, UTSW and Duke. My girlfriend was also accepted to Michigan and Temple, but not Duke or UTSW. My girlfriend has stated she would break up with me if I choose any other school than Michigan (which is where she has 100% decided to go). I've narrowed it down to basically Michigan or Duke, but I'm waiting until Michigan scholarship decisions come out and a financial package from Duke. Duke is ultimately the better school for my interests (love the third year research opportunities), but I don't really want to lose my girlfriend either..

I'm not sure what to do.. any advice would be helpful..

Even though it sounds like she loves med school (ie her future career) more than you at this point, that's probably the wise choice IF the two of you are NOT seriously contemplating LTR leading to marriage. If I were you, unless she was uber perfect for me and vice versa, then I would probably go with whatever choice would solidify my future career. Remember that retention rates for students in med school is ~95%, whereas retention rates of freshman med students' relationships are... less satisfactory (to say the least). I'm just saying.

 

[oaklandguy]

I think U of M is great personally, but I'd say to actually have a conversation with your girlfriend and try to see her rationale. Don't listen to what we have to say because we don't know you or your girlfriend. TALK TO HER and people that know of your relationship.

 

[Hoody]

I feel so young to be making decisions about the rest of my life like this.. only 21 here.

You wouldn't ever give her such an ultimatum would you?

If you two are meant to be, it will work out in the end.

I would say go to Duke, but I'm biased towards Duke.

 

[jturkel]

if she's not willing to even try long distance and has presented you with an ultimatum, she's not worth it.

If you're even real/serious....

+1

 

[Hifey]

I'm a girl if that means anything...

But when a girl tells you that if you don't go to the school of her choice, she'll break up with you thats not good. If she really loved you and was in it for the long term she would have:

1. Told her parents by now. Good Lord two years?!

2. She would have wanted you to do what is best for YOU. No, its not unreasonable to want you to pick Michigan but giving you an ultimatum is definitely wrong. If she truly loves you, then she would want you to follow your heart and be happy, even if it will mean more sacrifice for both of you. Why should you be the only one to have to sacrifice? relationships are about compromise.

Also, if you do what she wants just because she told you to and you didn't break up while at med school in michigan...know that this will set the tone for the rest of your relationship if it hasn't already. It will be her telling you what to do and you following it. Trust me, women are THAT simple in that aspect. If you followed her will on what to do with something as huge as med school, don't be surprised if she picks out your residency for you.

At the same time, this is not something to break up over. Talk to her, tell her what you really want and try to work something out. If she's still looking out for number 1 (ie apparently not you) then you might have to decide to part ways.
OP!

 

[FlunkTank]

I think U of M is great personally, but I'd say to actually have a conversation with your girlfriend and try to see her rationale. Don't listen to what we have to say because we don't know you or your girlfriend. TALK TO HER and people that know of your relationship.

I have, which is where the ultimatum came from. I said couldn't give her any assurances until I hear about financial packages, and it upset her quite a bit. I'm not from a wealthy family by any means either, so medical school is going to be a killer for my family financially. My sister (who is independent) also just lost her job and will need some help from my single mother.

At this point, I believe Duke would be cheaper than Michigan unless Michigan gives me a scholarship. The third year at Duke can be fully funded... Then again, should I base a decision off of finances too? Ugh.

 

[Soapcat]

hm is there any chance that your girl friend can identify this thread?
afterall...she's premed as well!
becareful!

 

[FluffyRabbit]

I have, which is where the ultimatum came from. I said couldn't give her any assurances until I hear about financial packages, and it upset her quite a bit. I'm not from a wealthy family by any means either, so medical school is going to be a killer for my family financially. At this point, I believe Duke would be cheaper than Michigan unless Michigan gives me a scholarship. The third year at Duke can be fully funded...

Then again, should I base a decision off of finances too? Ugh.

Of course. Finances are important, but how important is up to individual choice.

 

[FlunkTank]

I'm a girl if that means anything...

But when a girl tells you that if you don't go to the school of her choice, she'll break up with you thats not good. If she really loved you and was in it for the long term she would have:

1. Told her parents by now. Good Lord two years?!

2. She would have wanted you to do what is best for YOU. No, its not unreasonable to want you to pick Michigan but giving you an ultimatum is definitely wrong. If she truly loves you, then she would want you to follow your heart and be happy, even if it will mean more sacrifice for both of you. Why should you be the only one to have to sacrifice? relationships are about compromise.

Also, if you do what she wants just because she told you to and you didn't break up while at med school in michigan...know that this will set the tone for the rest of your relationship if it hasn't already. It will be her telling you what to do and you following it. Trust me, women are THAT simple in that aspect. If you followed her will on what to do with something as huge as med school, don't be surprised if she picks out your residency for you.

At the same time, this is not something to break up over. Talk to her, tell her what you really want and try to work something out. If she's still looking out for number 1 (ie apparently not you) then you might have to decide to part ways.
OP!

Thank you for your post (and everyone else too!).

The 2 years thing is unusual but not completely her fault. Her parents are strongly against, er, interracial relationships.

I could not agree more about this setting the tone for the rest of the relationship. I don't really like fighting with her, and I guess I cave a bit too easily. She's also thinking of a competitive specialty. i wonder if we have the same issue come up again during the match...

I'm definitely going to keep talking with her about it. I just didn't want to lie to her and say I'm 100% going to Michigan when there's a chance I end up at Duke (or somewhere else). She just doesn't want to have to try to deal with both a long distance relationship and the stresses of medical school, and I don't think she's wrong about that..

 

[FlunkTank]

hm is there any chance that your girl friend can identify this thread?
afterall...she's premed as well!
becareful!

Probably haha . I hope not though... I've always been a longtime lurker. This is my first time posting. I don't think she has an account, but I'm not sure.

Could any med students chime in?

 

[FluffyRabbit]

The 2 years thing is unusual but not completely her fault. Her parents are strongly against, er, interracial relationships.

While it may not be entirely her fault, this better be resolved to some extent before you make a big sacrifice for her. Her parents have to find out at some point, if you break up later because of it after you gave up a school you really liked a lot better, you're going to be pretty miserable.

 

[FlunkTank]

While it may not be entirely her fault, this better be resolved to some extent before you make a big sacrifice for her. Her parents have to find out at some point, if you break up later because of it after you gave up a school you really liked a lot better, you're going to be pretty miserable.

Completely agreed. I made this point, and I'm not sure it is something she wants to face. Unfortunately, I don't think she can put it off any longer. I can't make a decision of this magnitude with so much uncertainty with regard to her parents. Basically, I asked "are you going to wait to tell your parents we're together until after a few kids, marriage and fellowship?" I can't wait any longer. For that matter, I think I've been fairly understanding up to this point... two full years...

 

[Ultimeaciax]

By the way you describing your relationship, I'm guessing that you're probably either White or Black and dating a Chinese/South-Eastern Asian girl. Asian girls are usually very family-oriented. Say, even if you go with her to Michigan, and things work out fine...How would you deal with her parents? What if her parents are completely illogical and don't want her to be w/ you, just because you're from a different race? If she didn't make the effort to deal w/ her parents about your relationship, then how would she have the time to deal w/ it, while both of you in medical school? I'm pretty sure that, in the end, she would pick her parents over you. Seriously talk to her about this parental issue and choose wisely. Good luck.

 

[tncekm]

If she's not willing to even try long distance and has presented you with an ultimatum, she's not worth it.

If you're even real/serious....

Bingo. She answered the question for you.

If she said, "I'd really prefer you go to one of these schools with me so we're not separated." rather than "do what I want or you'll be kicking rocks soon." then she may have been worth it. But, from what you just said I'm fairly confident that she'll be ditching you soon after you get to school anyway, and then you'll not only be at choice #2 or #3, but you'll also be in a very awkward situation at a school with a girlfriend you just got dumped by when you went there ONLY for her.

 

[tncekm]

The 2 years thing is unusual but not completely her fault. Her parents are strongly against, er, interracial relationships.

After reading this, I'm also going with Asian. That's another thing to consider. If she doesn't dump you in medical school and you do get married, her parents may just drive you insane. And, if they don't drive you insane the way that she will always take their side no matter what probably will.

I know not every Asian girl/family is like this, but if she can't let her parents know of your existence for 2 whole years and is willing to break it off with you if you go to a different school, I'm pretty confident you're gonna have problems.

 

[Untraditional]

Are you planning to marry this girl?

Times up! If you didn't say "yes", dump her.

If you proposed would she accept?

If the answer's not an immediate "yes", dump her.

You have at least two major changes of life ahead with relocation for med school and residency. Just think of your high school and college friends. Graduation is the #1 killer of relationships.

 

[Hoody]

Thank you for your post (and everyone else too!).

What do your parents think about her...or this situation, where you should go to school, etc?

 

[FlunkTank]

What do your parents think about her...or this situation, where you should go to school, etc?

The parents only care about how expensive it will be. They will support the same amount regardless of where I go, which isn't much.

My parents know completely about her and have always been kind/courteous to her. They find the parent situation with her amusing and are a bit perplexed by how her parents still aren't in the loop.

 

[FlunkTank]

Are you planning to marry this girl?

Times up! If you didn't say "yes", dump her.

If you proposed would she accept?

If the answer's not an immediate "yes", dump her.

You have at least two major changes of life ahead with relocation for med school and residency. Just think of your high school and college friends. Graduation is the #1 killer of relationships.

Actually, I think she would accept if I proposed... but I'm not ready for marriage. I'm not there and won't be there for some time. I don't think she is either, given how she has handled these issues with her parents. She just avoids them.

 

[Untraditional]

I'm not there and won't be there for some time. I don't think she is either, given how she has handled these issues with her parents. She just avoids them.

There's your answer, IMO. You aren't ready to give up everything for this girl and she lacks maturity to a degree. Take your top school and don't look back.

 

[tncekm]

Actually, I think she would accept if I proposed... but I'm not ready for marriage. I'm not there and won't be there for some time. I don't think she is either, given how she has handled these issues with her parents. She just avoids them.

Dude, you're delusional. If she'd break up with you if you chose any school but Michigan, she's not ready to marry you.

 

[FlunkTank]

Dude, you're delusional. If she'd break up with you if you chose any school but Michigan, she's not ready to marry you.

Good point. To be fair though, I said I thought she would say yes but she wasn't actually ready.

Still, I'm glad I posted this thread. It's good to get some outside perspectives on the situation.

 

[tncekm]

Good point. To be fair though, I said I thought she would say yes but she wasn't actually ready.

Still, I'm glad I posted this thread. It's good to get some outside perspectives on the situation.

I'm glad you're taking the advice I hate to see people put themselves through hell.

 

[FlunkTank]

I'm glad you're taking the advice I hate to see people put themselves through hell.

Well, the general line of thought in this thread is consistent with my own. However, I think when you introduce emotions into something like this is when the decision becomes far, far more difficult.

I hope other people continue to post their thoughts and opinions too. They are well-received and appreciated.

 

[tncekm]

Yeah, emotions can make you illogical for sure. Those things are just plain useless.

 

[Readerfirst]

While it may not be entirely her fault, this better be resolved to some extent before you make a big sacrifice for her. Her parents have to find out at some point, if you break up later because of it after you gave up a school you really liked a lot better, you're going to be pretty miserable.

Completely agreed. I made this point, and I'm not sure it is something she wants to face. Unfortunately, I don't think she can put it off any longer. I can't make a decision of this magnitude with so much uncertainty with regard to her parents. Basically, I asked "are you going to wait to tell your parents we're together until after a few kids, marriage and fellowship?" I can't wait any longer. For that matter, I think I've been fairly understanding up to this point... two full years...

I can sympathize with your girlfriend to some degree, OP. I'm South Asian, my boyfriend is White, and my parents refuse to use his name after 2 years of dating. They won't meet him, and I think the only way I could force them into that is if I got engaged. Add in the obligatory hurtful blow-up every time I go home for break? I understand why she doesn't want to deal with it.

But here's the thing- if she loves you, she needs to try. And unfortunately, the operative word is try here. Parents can put ridiculous amounts of pressure on their child when they think they're acting in their child's best interest. So, it's not enough for her to tell her parents about you two and have you commit to Michigan at the last minute. The immediate fallout may only be the tip of the iceberg. If that's the case and your girlfriend can't or won't handle it, you'll have made a huge sacrifice for nothing. Be absolutely sure she's committed to the relationship, even in the face of her family's disapproval.

2. She would have wanted you to do what is best for YOU. No, its not unreasonable to want you to pick Michigan but giving you an ultimatum is definitely wrong. If she truly loves you, then she would want you to follow your heart and be happy, even if it will mean more sacrifice for both of you. Why should you be the only one to have to sacrifice? relationships are about compromise.

Also, if you do what she wants just because she told you to and you didn't break up while at med school in michigan...know that this will set the tone for the rest of your relationship if it hasn't already. It will be her telling you what to do and you following it. Trust me, women are THAT simple in that aspect. If you followed her will on what to do with something as huge as med school, don't be surprised if she picks out your residency for you.

Some people can't handle long distance. I wouldn't hold that against her. But doesn't it strike you as unfair, and even selfish, that she became so upset at you when you said you had to wait for financial aid packages to make a decision? And I guarantee you, Hifey is 100% right- this will set the tone of your relationship from now on in stone. She'll know for a fact that she won't need to compromise on much of anything, because you don't like fighting and would rather give in to keep the peace, even when it comes to life-changing decisions.

Personally, I'm seeing a lot of warning signs here. Your girlfriend seems to have a pattern of avoiding conflict at all costs, by lying to her family and expecting you to put her first when she puts you second. Talk this out with her some more. If it's immaturity that's the problem, and she pulls it together and somehow convinces you absolutely that if you made this sacrifice, she would put the relationship at number 1 priority ever after, then I'd say it's worth a shot.

If not, if you have any doubts at all...go to Duke. Don't look back. Relationships can be 90% timing, and maybe the timing for this one just isn't right.

 

[tncekm]

I can sympathize with your girlfriend to some degree, OP. I'm South Asian, my boyfriend is White, and my parents refuse to use his name after 2 years of dating.

My wife's dad (asian) referred to me as "that boy" for about 6 years. Of course, he wasn't MEAN to me, but I think that had more to do with the fact that I was 240lbs with a 400+lb bench press at the time. It was tiresome, but although my wife didn't get overly confrontational, she never let them influence her opinion of me. That was what let me know everything was fine between us

On a side note, I still remember my wife telling me the story about when she was trying to sway her dad into giving me a little slack. She was trying to explain all the "nice" things about me, and thought she'd win him over a little by saying "he wants to be a doctor", blah, blah. And, he said, "Oh, he don't get no good grades! maybe if he spend less time workin on his muscles he get better grades". LOL. My wife tried to show him a copy of my transcripts so he'd see my GPA and he refused to look at it! Ha, ha, ha.

When I bought my wife's engagement ring, I knew I couldn't do the "right thing" and ask him for permission to marry his daughter, so I went over and told him I was marrying his daughter (nicely of course).

 

[FlunkTank]

I can sympathize with your girlfriend to some degree, OP. I'm South Asian, my boyfriend is White, and my parents refuse to use his name after 2 years of dating. They won't meet him, and I think the only way I could force them into that is if I got engaged. Add in the obligatory hurtful blow-up every time I go home for break? I understand why she doesn't want to deal with it.

But here's the thing- if she loves you, she needs to try. And unfortunately, the operative word is try here. Parents can put ridiculous amounts of pressure on their child when they think they're acting in their child's best interest. So, it's not enough for her to tell her parents about you two and have you commit to Michigan at the last minute. The immediate fallout may only be the tip of the iceberg. If that's the case and your girlfriend can't or won't handle it, you'll have made a huge sacrifice for nothing. Be absolutely sure she's committed to the relationship, even in the face of her family's disapproval.




Some people can't handle long distance. I wouldn't hold that against her. But doesn't it strike you as unfair, and even selfish, that she became so upset at you when you said you had to wait for financial aid packages to make a decision? And I guarantee you, Hifey is 100% right- this will set the tone of your relationship from now on in stone. She'll know for a fact that she won't need to compromise on much of anything, because you don't like fighting and would rather give in to keep the peace, even when it comes to life-changing decisions.

Personally, I'm seeing a lot of warning signs here. Your girlfriend seems to have a pattern of avoiding conflict at all costs, by lying to her family and expecting you to put her first when she puts you second. Talk this out with her some more. If it's immaturity that's the problem, and she pulls it together and somehow convinces you absolutely that if you made this sacrifice, she would put the relationship at number 1 priority ever after, then I'd say it's worth a shot.

If not, if you have any doubts at all...go to Duke. Don't look back. Relationships can be 90% timing, and maybe the timing for this one just isn't right.

Thank you for sharing! My situation is fairly similar to your own with the exception that my girlfriend hasn't tried very hard to be honest with her parents. I believe that this is an incredibly difficult situation for her to be in, but I still believe I am owed at least an effort of some sort. She did try to introduce me as a "friend" about a year ago. Her parents smiled and said nothing, and she hasn't raised the issue since. I can sympathize...

Nevertheless, finances and curriculum are still very important. It's pretty scary to me too that she wouldn't be willing to try and work it out long distance if Duke ends up being significantly more affordable. It's not like I'm blindly following prestige.

 

[mybubbles14]

I'm a girl if that means anything...

But when a girl tells you that if you don't go to the school of her choice, she'll break up with you thats not good. If she really loved you and was in it for the long term she would have:

1. Told her parents by now. Good Lord two years?!

2. She would have wanted you to do what is best for YOU. No, its not unreasonable to want you to pick Michigan but giving you an ultimatum is definitely wrong. If she truly loves you, then she would want you to follow your heart and be happy, even if it will mean more sacrifice for both of you. Why should you be the only one to have to sacrifice? relationships are about compromise.

Also, if you do what she wants just because she told you to and you didn't break up while at med school in michigan...know that this will set the tone for the rest of your relationship if it hasn't already. It will be her telling you what to do and you following it. Trust me, women are THAT simple in that aspect. If you followed her will on what to do with something as huge as med school, don't be surprised if she picks out your residency for you.

At the same time, this is not something to break up over. Talk to her, tell her what you really want and try to work something out. If she's still looking out for number 1 (ie apparently not you) then you might have to decide to part ways.
OP!

+1

I'm a girl and I think that unless she changes her stance on the matter you should head to DUKE. I would never demand that my SO sacrifice what he wanted or what might've been best for him just to be at the same institution as me (especially if that was something I wasn't willing to do myself). I found myself in a similar dilemma and although it's hard to ignore emotions and how "great" it would be to be at the same school...you have to do what's best for you at the end of the day. Sure, she's not mandating that you choose SGU over Harvard to be with her but still. Her ultimatum is not okay. It's one thing to say "obviously I'd love for us to go to school together but do what you have to do" vs. "you better follow me to michigan or else!". This is a major life decision that shouldn't be made lightly or on account of a relationship that isn't quite serious yet or definitely leading to marriage. Long term relationships are extremely difficult and are certainly not ideal, but neither is turning down your #1 and having to go through 1-4 years at a school with your ex girlfriend who made you do it.

Good luck with this! I know it's hard but I'm sure you'll make the right decision. Talk to her again about this...maybe she was having one of those days and is ready to have a more reasonable conversation about this.

 

[Readerfirst]

tncekm, you had such a good attitude towards that whole situation! I bounce between quite angry and mildly irritated. My dad enjoys confrontation, though

On a side note, I still remember my wife telling me the story about when she was trying to sway her dad into giving me a little slack. She was trying to explain all the "nice" things about me, and thought she'd win him over a little by saying "he wants to be a doctor", blah, blah. And, he said, "Oh, he don't get no good grades! maybe if he spend less time workin on his muscles he get better grades". LOL. My wife tried to show him a copy of my transcripts so he'd see my GPA and he refused to look at it! Ha, ha, ha.

My funny story: When I first told my parents about my boyfriend (never felt the previous ones were important enough) my dad was having a hard time understanding the concept of dating. Since he's a very conservative man, and I was judging his facial expression of abject fear to mean he was thinking "pleasegodletthishavenothingtodowithsex!", I told him it means going to see a movie, having dinner, that kind of thing. He instantly gets an look, and tells me that if this is so, I'm too young to only be dating one person. I should date many different people, boys and girls!

Good to know that if that lifestyle had been what I wanted, he would have supported me

 

[FlunkTank]

tncekm, you had such a good attitude towards that whole situation! I bounce between quite angry and mildly irritated. My dad enjoys confrontation, though





My funny story: When I first told my parents about my boyfriend (never felt the previous ones were important enough) my dad was having a hard time understanding the concept of dating. Since he's a very conservative man, and I was judging his facial expression of abject fear to mean he was thinking "pleasegodletthishavenothingtodowithsex!", I told him it means going to see a movie, having dinner, that kind of thing. He instantly gets an look, and tells me that if this is so, I'm too young to only be dating one person. I should date many different people, boys and girls!

Good to know that if that lifestyle had been what I wanted, he would have supported me

 

[Readerfirst]

Nevertheless, finances and curriculum are still very important. It's pretty scary to me too that she wouldn't be willing to try and work it out long distance if Duke ends up being significantly more affordable. It's not like I'm blindly following prestige.

You have several excellent reasons for choosing Duke. Frankly, I can't see that she's given you even a good reason to sacrifice going to a school that's such a good fit for you.

 

[TheCellarDoor]

Hey OP! I just wanted to leave my 2 cents- as a 21 yr old girl about to graduate and move to med school. I don't know how serious she is about the relationship, but if my boyfriend wanted to move to get an opportunity like Duke- I would probably support it. If your girlfriend is angry about your decision, and doesn't want to try a long term relationship, I'm not sure she has your best interests in mind. And she hasn't told her parents about you? I only do that when I know I won't be staying with a guy...
but maybe she has never told her parents about any boyfriend before, and just wants to avoid the conversation.
Anyways, congratulations on the acceptances, and good luck with the decision!! I'm sure anywhere you go, you can be successful.

 

[Geekchick921]

I'm a girl if that means anything...

But when a girl tells you that if you don't go to the school of her choice, she'll break up with you thats not good. If she really loved you and was in it for the long term she would have:

1. Told her parents by now. Good Lord two years?!

2. She would have wanted you to do what is best for YOU. No, its not unreasonable to want you to pick Michigan but giving you an ultimatum is definitely wrong. If she truly loves you, then she would want you to follow your heart and be happy, even if it will mean more sacrifice for both of you. Why should you be the only one to have to sacrifice? relationships are about compromise.

Also, if you do what she wants just because she told you to and you didn't break up while at med school in michigan...know that this will set the tone for the rest of your relationship if it hasn't already. It will be her telling you what to do and you following it. Trust me, women are THAT simple in that aspect. If you followed her will on what to do with something as huge as med school, don't be surprised if she picks out your residency for you.

At the same time, this is not something to break up over. Talk to her, tell her what you really want and try to work something out. If she's still looking out for number 1 (ie apparently not you) then you might have to decide to part ways.
OP!

All of this.

 

[ApoK]

Tough situation OP. I have a similar situation. There is no right answer on this forum, but there is a lot of great general advice. Best of luck.

 

[NoSurprise]

Here's my situation:

I'd do anything for my girlfriend.
+
She's done everything for me to make our relationship work.

=

Marry her sometime soon!

Your situation:

You'd consider doing some things for your girlfriend.
+
She'd consider doing things that are convenient for her.

=

Give up what your really want to do????

**Sigh**

Wrong answer...

 

[flip26]

Tell her you are going to Michigan, bang her like a porn star for the next few months, then load your car up and head to Duke.

 

[IDoIt4Love]

Med school is med school. You will get a great education whether you go to Michigan or Duke. But it's important to ask yourself a couple of questions:

1) Which is more perfect for you: your girlfriend for your personal life, or Duke for your career? Which one will likely bring you the bigger personal benefit?
2) Which school is offering you more money? Money is a huge issue for many people right now, and if she doesn't understand a decision based on your budget and wants to break up with you based on that, she needs to grow up.
3) I don't think your gf's concerns are that selfish but to put out an ultimatum like that is a bit harsh. Ask her what her concerns are about having a long-distance relationship. Ask yourself how serious you are about her. If you think she might be the One for you, tell her how you feel! And (again, if you feel this way) tell her that med school is only 4 years and it really flies by--that you'll stick around for her because she's worth it, and that even if you guys stuck together, you'd be really busy and stressed out anyway.

 

[masturhu]

Wow this thread almost mirrors my life. My girlfriend goes to Wayne State and I am choosing between the University of Michigan and possibly Hopkins (I will hear back soon). I'm going to go wherever I feel fits me the best, regardless of my girlfriends location. Relationships are too fragile to let you influence which med school you go to.

If your girlfriend would really break up with you if you went to Duke, I would go to Duke (she doesn't love you enough). However, it is possible that she wants to be with you so badly, that she would say anything for you to be with her for four years (I'm thinking this is the way she is acting).

What you could do it just tell her you are going to Duke and see what her reaction is.

It's just a really complicated situation and really depends on your relationship with her. I don't think anyone's advice on this thread will be fully applicable to your situation. Feel it out and I think you'll make the right decision.

 

[masturhu]

Oh just an aside. I personally would choose Umich over Duke. I was extremely impressed with the flextime quizzes at Umich.

 

[tncekm]

He instantly gets an look, and tells me that if this is so, I'm too young to only be dating one person. I should date many different people, boys and girls!

Good to know that if that lifestyle had been what I wanted, he would have supported me

LOL. That's classic!

 

[chiz2kul]

If she's not willing to even try long distance and has presented you with an ultimatum, she's not worth it.

Bingo