I'm in a similar situation (trying to apply to med school with my SO), except with the unfortunate difference that we havent gotten in anywhere together (yet).
However, we discussed what we would do if we got into different places before we applied, so that there would be no "ultimatum" situations like this. We decided basically what your gf did: if we get into the same place, great, if not, we won't do long distance (we've done it before, it was one of the most painful experiences I've had and I won't do it again for 4+ years).
Anyway, I don't think it's unreasonable that your girlfriend doesn't want to do long distance in medical school.. I really wouldn't consider that an "ultimatum" at all. It's just being honest about what she can handle along with medical school. So just think about if you'd be too upset about following her to UofM or if going through the difficulties of med school with a loved one is worth not going to your top choice med school (it's OK if you decide its not.. this is a huge decision and things might not work out).
For the record, UofM/ Ann Arbor is awesome; I don't think you'd regret going. And you're lucky to have the option of staying with your SO!
Personally, I don't actually view it as an "ultimatum." I thought she was expressing that she really wouldn't want to be with me because it would be too painful for her to deal with. She would want to move on. Unfortunately, she didn't say it in the most mature way... she was more like "it wouldn't matter because I'd never see or talk to you again." So, uh yeah, pretty dramatic. She definitely cares about me a lot but she's also pretty selfish. I guess the two aren't completely mutually exclusive.
You should really consider breaking it off. I understand that it'll be difficult, I think most of us have been there. But you really should listen to reason.
She's given you an ultimatum. That's never the sign of a good relationship. I love my g/f to death, and I would never do something like that to her and she would never do something like that to me. It's horribly unfair, and screams insecurity.
I've been in a similar situation. My ex g/f told me if I did undergrad where I wanted to that she'd dump me. I didn't go and wish I had. That was just one of many red flags that I look back on and think to myself "WTF was I thinking?" I'm sure if you look at it from a less emotional stance you'll see other red flags that suggest you should bail on this ASAP.
That is a horrendous situation. I'm sorry it happened to you. I am hoping to avoid such a situation. That is why I'm trying to consider this rationally. I mean, I tend to agree with the majority of the poster when I think with my brain... but when I use my heart, I come to a more difficult decision
. Even if I go to Michigan, there is a great chance things don't work out. I'm not sure how she or I will respond to the added stresses of medical school. For all I know, I could be making a life-altering decision for no reason at all. That's why I told her I need financial packages to make a definitive decision. She said that wasn't fair because we were trying to go to school together in this whole process. That said, I can only wonder if she'd be willing to give up a school she loved for a different one just to be with me. Personally, I doubt she would... even if she says she would.
Depends on how much you love your girlfriend. Is she more than just a girlfriend? My bf and I were best friends all through high school before we started dating in college and if I was in a similar situation, in a heartbeat, I would try to attend the same school.
So really, it depends. Either way there isn't a "best" option.
There definitely is not a "best" option. I will likely have regrets either way. Haha, it kind of reminds me of that Nick Cage movie Family Man. We are more than just bf/gf. We've been on several trips together and we spend most of our free time with each other. She definitely also my best friend.
I don't understand why so many posters here are saying that OP's gf gave an "ultimatum." I'm not sure if I am correct in my observation but I feel like more guys are saying this and more girls are sympathetic to the OP's gf.
I am also a girl trying to apply to medical school with my boy friend, so I sympathize with OP's situation completely. Currently, I am in a school in NYC and Boston. My bf was in schools in Michigan, Phily, Boston, etc but he recently withdraw everything but from the school in Michigan. It made me very angry because we had a chance to go to school together in Boston, but he explained to me that he really did not like the school when he interviewed. So right now unless other options works out, I will be considering breaking up or long distance (my bf is willing to do long distance). I am seriously considering just breaking up if we go to different city because long distance is very painful, and I don't think my personality is fit for it. Therefore, please don't be too harsh to your gf because not everyone is cut out to do long distance relationship. I don't think this equates to her not caring about you. Also, some people mentioned that if you are not looking to marry her, you should just forget about her. I don't agree with this sentiment. I am 22, and I haven't thought about marriage at all and I don't plan to for a while. For now, I am simply trying to make the best decision to make me as happy as possible for next year, whether that is staying with my bf or breaking up.
OP, I think what you should ask yourself if:
1. would you regret going to U of Michigan? You should only go to Michigan if you can grow to like the school and not constantly think about "what if i went to duke...?"
2. Is your gf the type of girl who gets really awkward if you guys break up or is she someone who can maintain close friendship? I am confident that my bg and I will not be awkward even if we went to same school and broke up, so I don't mind having him as a company nearby. You should evaluate your relationship in this aspect.
Good luck, OP. I hope things will work out for you
I might end up going to UM. UM is an unbelievable school and I'm very grateful to even be accepted. However, the Duke curriculum is unlike any other in the country. The condensed preclinical curriculum affords students at Duke opportunities that aren't really available anywhere else. That third year is almost magical to me. All the same, you pay a price in added stress and more rigor during your first year. Additionally, Duke has H/P/F grading for the preclinical curriculum, which would almost certainly add to stress. On the other hand, I thrive under stress. I definitely, definitely love it and perform my best when I'm under the gun and competing against the best.
An earlier poster (MasterHu) wrote about how he would choose UM for flex quizzes. I personally dislike the notion of flex quizzes immensely. I'd much, much rather be tests in longer increments than each week. Fortunately, I have a memory that might allow me to "excel" in this system, but I don't think I would actually make me a better physician. In fact, I could totally see myself putting everything off until Thursday... and then 2-3 days of cramming before the exam on Sunday. It's not what I want at all, and it's actually one of my reservations about the UM. Still, the clinical training at UM is unbelievable though. Seriously, as elite as it comes.
I agree with most of the posts here, but also see it a bit differently:
You are 21! You have your whole life ahead of you, and this is absolutely too early to start compromising your hopes and desires for the sake of anyone. This is even more true given the description of your relationship you have shared here! If she can't be bothered to confront her parents about you, how can she ask you to turn down a great medschool that fits you well? Personally, I think this is pretty audacious of her.
At any rate, the best advise I have to offer you is this: Make your decision, whatever it is, without considering your relationship. Pick the school that is a better fit for you, that gives you the most financial assistance, etc. I think factoring in your relationship into this decision is a recipe for disaster. Even if things work out for the best and you ended up in a committed relationship with her, and you made your decision based on her requirements, there will always be the possibility that you will regret it simply because you made it for the wrong reason!
People in this thread are throwing the word "marriage" like it's an unbreakable contract. In real life marriages fail, they are no guarantee of anything. You have to realize that your life is only yours to live and your choices are only yours to profit from or regret. There is absolutely no guarantee that you will end up with this girl in the long run, and even if you do, that doesn't imply you will be happy with her. I don't mean to patronize you, but there is no better way than to put it bluntly: you are way too young to start making important life decisions based on someone else. A time will come when you will have to, but not right now.
Make your decision based on yourself. If it so happens that UMich gives you lots of money and you end up there, then cool. You will know that the decision was based on something tangible and solid, and not just her impositions on you.
I know this is a lot easier said than done, as I am going though a similar situation with my girlfriend, with whom I've been with 4.5 years. I think this kind of decisions have to be made with the brain, not with the heart.
choose wisely!
So, so true. That's why I hesitate to sacrifice at all. I almost feel too young to have to sacrifice (as you said). I wonder if I look back 10 years from now and think "you were so naive and STUPID" to make that decision... either way. At this point, the safer and rational option is definitely Duke. We'll see how things go with scholarship announcements (early April for both schools) and my girlfriend's efforts with her parents (if they materialize...).