Personal Dilemma -- Best School or Girlfriend?

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Hey Everyone,

I am really grateful to have acceptances at a few great schools. I am choosing between Michigan, Temple, UTSW and Duke. My girlfriend was also accepted to Michigan and Temple, but not Duke or UTSW. My girlfriend has stated she would break up with me if I choose any other school than Michigan (which is where she has 100% decided to go). I've narrowed it down to basically Michigan or Duke, but I'm waiting until Michigan scholarship decisions come out and a financial package from Duke. Duke is ultimately the better school for my interests (love the third year research opportunities), but I don't really want to lose my girlfriend either..

I'm not sure what to do.. any advice would be helpful.. :scared:

Go to the Duke.

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I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma. No one can truly understand these problems until you go through it.

Background...I'm a girl and I've been in a long distance relationship for 5 years. (Eeek...It seems crazier when I put it in print.) The bf is an enginnering grad student, and we went to different undergrads. All total we've been together for about 7 years. Next year I'm headed to medical school. He has a sweet job about 1 hour away from me. So will be in more of a mini long distance, still not living together but still extremely happy relationship.

When we were deciding to go to undergrad the bf was extremely skeptical of whether or not it would work. He hated talking on the phone (I still do most of the talking lol, but thats the way I like it), he is a very affectionate and a very "quality time" type of guy. Plus we were going into two very demanding majors.

But we worked out...and this is why. We understood each other and we both put the needs of the other person above our own. That only works when its mutual. I wouldn't ask him to sacrifice his career for me and he wouldn't tell me where to go to school bc in the end he knew that an unhappy girlfriend meant that he was unhappy too. Is that the case with you and your girl?

If you truly want to go to Duke you've gotta go. If you want to be with the girl then you gotta do that. But if you're not happy with the decision which ever it is your relationship will be a failure. Med school is stressful and if you begin on the wrong foot that unhappiness will creep into your relationship. Trust me, I've had A LOT of bumps with the boy, but I've never regretted all the heartache that went along with it. You can get a phenomenal education no matter where you go, but you can't be a phenomenal doctor/person unless you're happy.

Feel free to ask questions...I'm an open book and can really empathize with what you are going through.
 
I'm in a similar situation (trying to apply to med school with my SO), except with the unfortunate difference that we havent gotten in anywhere together (yet).

However, we discussed what we would do if we got into different places before we applied, so that there would be no "ultimatum" situations like this. We decided basically what your gf did: if we get into the same place, great, if not, we won't do long distance (we've done it before, it was one of the most painful experiences I've had and I won't do it again for 4+ years).

Anyway, I don't think it's unreasonable that your girlfriend doesn't want to do long distance in medical school.. I really wouldn't consider that an "ultimatum" at all. It's just being honest about what she can handle along with medical school. So just think about if you'd be too upset about following her to UofM or if going through the difficulties of med school with a loved one is worth not going to your top choice med school (it's OK if you decide its not.. this is a huge decision and things might not work out).

For the record, UofM/ Ann Arbor is awesome; I don't think you'd regret going. And you're lucky to have the option of staying with your SO!
 
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You should really consider breaking it off. I understand that it'll be difficult, I think most of us have been there. But you really should listen to reason.

She's given you an ultimatum. That's never the sign of a good relationship. I love my g/f to death, and I would never do something like that to her and she would never do something like that to me. It's horribly unfair, and screams insecurity.

I've been in a similar situation. My ex g/f told me if I did undergrad where I wanted to that she'd dump me. I didn't go and wish I had. That was just one of many red flags that I look back on and think to myself "WTF was I thinking?" I'm sure if you look at it from a less emotional stance you'll see other red flags that suggest you should bail on this ASAP.
 
Good point. To be fair though, I said I thought she would say yes but she wasn't actually ready.

Still, I'm glad I posted this thread. It's good to get some outside perspectives on the situation.

I'm just glad you're not a complete douchetool like the last person who started a thread of this nature. :rolleyes:
 
1) U of M is amazing and Ann Arbor is the shiz.

2) I suspect if you were in the opposite situation ("Help, my girlfriend wants to go to Duke and I'm 100% set on U of M, what should I do?!") everyone here would be telling you to dump the girlfriend.

3) You are not married. Plan for your own future, because otherwise you're going to be dwelling on the whatifs for the next 4 years.
 
Depends on how much you love your girlfriend. Is she more than just a girlfriend? My bf and I were best friends all through high school before we started dating in college and if I was in a similar situation, in a heartbeat, I would try to attend the same school.

So really, it depends. Either way there isn't a "best" option.
 
In a nutshell, if neither of you are serious enough to make a long-term commitment to your relationship through marriage, then you are also not ready to make career decisions based on that relationship.
 
#1 rule ive learned through my life experiences so far:

NEVER EVER put anyone before yourself or opportunities that would better your life. Youll get burned.

Relationships often dont work out anyway, what if you went to Mich and you broke up there?

Yu cant put her before your needs, wants, and opportunities. Also, being that she told you its over if you dont choose the school SHE has decided on, I think she lives by this rule as well. She's not putting you first.

My opinion - Forget her.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and if it doesn't then you weren't meant to be anyway. You are in your early 20's and as a future physician, you could be in a different place for med school, residency, fellowship, and a future job. That's 4 different cities possibly. If she is giving you ultimatums, don't listen-do what is best for you...The problem is starting this early, which should indicate more down the road...its a tough situation but good luck!
 
I don't understand why so many posters here are saying that OP's gf gave an "ultimatum." I'm not sure if I am correct in my observation but I feel like more guys are saying this and more girls are sympathetic to the OP's gf.

I am also a girl trying to apply to medical school with my boy friend, so I sympathize with OP's situation completely. Currently, I am in a school in NYC and Boston. My bf was in schools in Michigan, Phily, Boston, etc but he recently withdraw everything but from the school in Michigan. It made me very angry because we had a chance to go to school together in Boston, but he explained to me that he really did not like the school when he interviewed. So right now unless other options works out, I will be considering breaking up or long distance (my bf is willing to do long distance). I am seriously considering just breaking up if we go to different city because long distance is very painful, and I don't think my personality is fit for it. Therefore, please don't be too harsh to your gf because not everyone is cut out to do long distance relationship. I don't think this equates to her not caring about you. Also, some people mentioned that if you are not looking to marry her, you should just forget about her. I don't agree with this sentiment. I am 22, and I haven't thought about marriage at all and I don't plan to for a while. For now, I am simply trying to make the best decision to make me as happy as possible for next year, whether that is staying with my bf or breaking up.

OP, I think what you should ask yourself if:
1. would you regret going to U of Michigan? You should only go to Michigan if you can grow to like the school and not constantly think about "what if i went to duke...?"

2. Is your gf the type of girl who gets really awkward if you guys break up or is she someone who can maintain close friendship? I am confident that my bg and I will not be awkward even if we went to same school and broke up, so I don't mind having him as a company nearby. You should evaluate your relationship in this aspect.

Good luck, OP. I hope things will work out for you
 
I am confident that my bg and I will not be awkward even if we went to same school and broke up, so I don't mind having him as a company nearby. You should evaluate your relationship in this aspect.

And if this whole med school thing doesn't work out, you should consider stand up comedy as a viable alternative.
:laugh:

Again, ultimatums FTL. :thumbdown:
 
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I agree with most of the posts here, but also see it a bit differently:

You are 21! You have your whole life ahead of you, and this is absolutely too early to start compromising your hopes and desires for the sake of anyone. This is even more true given the description of your relationship you have shared here! If she can't be bothered to confront her parents about you, how can she ask you to turn down a great medschool that fits you well? Personally, I think this is pretty audacious of her.

At any rate, the best advise I have to offer you is this: Make your decision, whatever it is, without considering your relationship. Pick the school that is a better fit for you, that gives you the most financial assistance, etc. I think factoring in your relationship into this decision is a recipe for disaster. Even if things work out for the best and you ended up in a committed relationship with her, and you made your decision based on her requirements, there will always be the possibility that you will regret it simply because you made it for the wrong reason!

People in this thread are throwing the word "marriage" like it's an unbreakable contract. In real life marriages fail, they are no guarantee of anything. You have to realize that your life is only yours to live and your choices are only yours to profit from or regret. There is absolutely no guarantee that you will end up with this girl in the long run, and even if you do, that doesn't imply you will be happy with her. I don't mean to patronize you, but there is no better way than to put it bluntly: you are way too young to start making important life decisions based on someone else. A time will come when you will have to, but not right now.

Make your decision based on yourself. If it so happens that UMich gives you lots of money and you end up there, then cool. You will know that the decision was based on something tangible and solid, and not just her impositions on you.

I know this is a lot easier said than done, as I am going though a similar situation with my girlfriend, with whom I've been with 4.5 years. I think this kind of decisions have to be made with the brain, not with the heart.

choose wisely!
 
Michigan is nice, but it's not ideal for me. I'm still undecided on a specialty, but I'm thinking something competitive. Duke would give me more time to explore because of elective rotations and how all rotations are in 2nd year.

We have been dating for about 2 years... however, she hasn't told her parents. :( it's weird, I know.

Is this b/c of cultural reasons because that is not that weird. If she has parents who want her to marry a certain religious/cultural group, then it becomes really hard telling them (especially if you are unsure if you two will be married).

In this case, her not telling her parents doesn't mean you are not important to her.
 
I am so glad my gf wants me to do whatever and go wherever I want for med school.

I just figure that I've been working at this and being able to make a choice like that for a long time, and if she can't support it, then it's not worth it. I'm going to school where I want and that's that. Would I think long and hard about it - of course. In the end, I know I could make it work long distance if I had to - if your relationship can't make it through that, then it doesn't need to continue.
 
i think if you guys were really meant to be, this decision wouldn't be so hard. if you want duke i'd go for it. honestly it seems like by agreeing to michigan you are either committing to marriage or misery. you'll probably try harder to make it work, even if it isnt working, just because you made the big sacrifice to be there. and if it does fall apart, then you'll have to be in class together, see each other dating other people, ugh!

my guess is you're probably 21-22. i dated lots of guys long term and found breakups to be relatively easy until my current relationship (i'm almost 27 now.) the difference is, i could actually see myself marrying him. in retrospect, my hesitation regarding other guys stemmed from the fact that they were definitely NOT right for me. i'd take your hesitation to mean the same thing. and unfortunately there's something to be said for timing. it's possible that my current boyfriend is much better for me than all the other guys in the past were, but it's also just possible that i am more ready for it now. honestly, its probably a combination of the two. and you know what else? i actually met him years ago and we didnt start dating til like 3 or 4 years later. (my point being, if its meant to be after all, it can survive a 4 year break.) if you guys break up during med school you could still reunite. seriously. its easier than you think.

in a way it was easy for me, because the school i liked best accepted me and it's right here where we live. i dont know what i would have done in your situation but honestly i think in 5-10 years its more likely that you'll regret your school choice than your breakup. you can always get back together with someone. you can't get that acceptance/ 4 years of school back!
 
I'm in a similar situation (trying to apply to med school with my SO), except with the unfortunate difference that we havent gotten in anywhere together (yet).

However, we discussed what we would do if we got into different places before we applied, so that there would be no "ultimatum" situations like this. We decided basically what your gf did: if we get into the same place, great, if not, we won't do long distance (we've done it before, it was one of the most painful experiences I've had and I won't do it again for 4+ years).

Anyway, I don't think it's unreasonable that your girlfriend doesn't want to do long distance in medical school.. I really wouldn't consider that an "ultimatum" at all. It's just being honest about what she can handle along with medical school. So just think about if you'd be too upset about following her to UofM or if going through the difficulties of med school with a loved one is worth not going to your top choice med school (it's OK if you decide its not.. this is a huge decision and things might not work out).

For the record, UofM/ Ann Arbor is awesome; I don't think you'd regret going. And you're lucky to have the option of staying with your SO!

Personally, I don't actually view it as an "ultimatum." I thought she was expressing that she really wouldn't want to be with me because it would be too painful for her to deal with. She would want to move on. Unfortunately, she didn't say it in the most mature way... she was more like "it wouldn't matter because I'd never see or talk to you again." So, uh yeah, pretty dramatic. She definitely cares about me a lot but she's also pretty selfish. I guess the two aren't completely mutually exclusive.

You should really consider breaking it off. I understand that it'll be difficult, I think most of us have been there. But you really should listen to reason.

She's given you an ultimatum. That's never the sign of a good relationship. I love my g/f to death, and I would never do something like that to her and she would never do something like that to me. It's horribly unfair, and screams insecurity.

I've been in a similar situation. My ex g/f told me if I did undergrad where I wanted to that she'd dump me. I didn't go and wish I had. That was just one of many red flags that I look back on and think to myself "WTF was I thinking?" I'm sure if you look at it from a less emotional stance you'll see other red flags that suggest you should bail on this ASAP.

That is a horrendous situation. I'm sorry it happened to you. I am hoping to avoid such a situation. That is why I'm trying to consider this rationally. I mean, I tend to agree with the majority of the poster when I think with my brain... but when I use my heart, I come to a more difficult decision :(. Even if I go to Michigan, there is a great chance things don't work out. I'm not sure how she or I will respond to the added stresses of medical school. For all I know, I could be making a life-altering decision for no reason at all. That's why I told her I need financial packages to make a definitive decision. She said that wasn't fair because we were trying to go to school together in this whole process. That said, I can only wonder if she'd be willing to give up a school she loved for a different one just to be with me. Personally, I doubt she would... even if she says she would.

Depends on how much you love your girlfriend. Is she more than just a girlfriend? My bf and I were best friends all through high school before we started dating in college and if I was in a similar situation, in a heartbeat, I would try to attend the same school.

So really, it depends. Either way there isn't a "best" option.

There definitely is not a "best" option. I will likely have regrets either way. Haha, it kind of reminds me of that Nick Cage movie Family Man. We are more than just bf/gf. We've been on several trips together and we spend most of our free time with each other. She definitely also my best friend.

I don't understand why so many posters here are saying that OP's gf gave an "ultimatum." I'm not sure if I am correct in my observation but I feel like more guys are saying this and more girls are sympathetic to the OP's gf.

I am also a girl trying to apply to medical school with my boy friend, so I sympathize with OP's situation completely. Currently, I am in a school in NYC and Boston. My bf was in schools in Michigan, Phily, Boston, etc but he recently withdraw everything but from the school in Michigan. It made me very angry because we had a chance to go to school together in Boston, but he explained to me that he really did not like the school when he interviewed. So right now unless other options works out, I will be considering breaking up or long distance (my bf is willing to do long distance). I am seriously considering just breaking up if we go to different city because long distance is very painful, and I don't think my personality is fit for it. Therefore, please don't be too harsh to your gf because not everyone is cut out to do long distance relationship. I don't think this equates to her not caring about you. Also, some people mentioned that if you are not looking to marry her, you should just forget about her. I don't agree with this sentiment. I am 22, and I haven't thought about marriage at all and I don't plan to for a while. For now, I am simply trying to make the best decision to make me as happy as possible for next year, whether that is staying with my bf or breaking up.

OP, I think what you should ask yourself if:
1. would you regret going to U of Michigan? You should only go to Michigan if you can grow to like the school and not constantly think about "what if i went to duke...?"

2. Is your gf the type of girl who gets really awkward if you guys break up or is she someone who can maintain close friendship? I am confident that my bg and I will not be awkward even if we went to same school and broke up, so I don't mind having him as a company nearby. You should evaluate your relationship in this aspect.

Good luck, OP. I hope things will work out for you

I might end up going to UM. UM is an unbelievable school and I'm very grateful to even be accepted. However, the Duke curriculum is unlike any other in the country. The condensed preclinical curriculum affords students at Duke opportunities that aren't really available anywhere else. That third year is almost magical to me. All the same, you pay a price in added stress and more rigor during your first year. Additionally, Duke has H/P/F grading for the preclinical curriculum, which would almost certainly add to stress. On the other hand, I thrive under stress. I definitely, definitely love it and perform my best when I'm under the gun and competing against the best.

An earlier poster (MasterHu) wrote about how he would choose UM for flex quizzes. I personally dislike the notion of flex quizzes immensely. I'd much, much rather be tests in longer increments than each week. Fortunately, I have a memory that might allow me to "excel" in this system, but I don't think I would actually make me a better physician. In fact, I could totally see myself putting everything off until Thursday... and then 2-3 days of cramming before the exam on Sunday. It's not what I want at all, and it's actually one of my reservations about the UM. Still, the clinical training at UM is unbelievable though. Seriously, as elite as it comes.

I agree with most of the posts here, but also see it a bit differently:

You are 21! You have your whole life ahead of you, and this is absolutely too early to start compromising your hopes and desires for the sake of anyone. This is even more true given the description of your relationship you have shared here! If she can't be bothered to confront her parents about you, how can she ask you to turn down a great medschool that fits you well? Personally, I think this is pretty audacious of her.

At any rate, the best advise I have to offer you is this: Make your decision, whatever it is, without considering your relationship. Pick the school that is a better fit for you, that gives you the most financial assistance, etc. I think factoring in your relationship into this decision is a recipe for disaster. Even if things work out for the best and you ended up in a committed relationship with her, and you made your decision based on her requirements, there will always be the possibility that you will regret it simply because you made it for the wrong reason!

People in this thread are throwing the word "marriage" like it's an unbreakable contract. In real life marriages fail, they are no guarantee of anything. You have to realize that your life is only yours to live and your choices are only yours to profit from or regret. There is absolutely no guarantee that you will end up with this girl in the long run, and even if you do, that doesn't imply you will be happy with her. I don't mean to patronize you, but there is no better way than to put it bluntly: you are way too young to start making important life decisions based on someone else. A time will come when you will have to, but not right now.

Make your decision based on yourself. If it so happens that UMich gives you lots of money and you end up there, then cool. You will know that the decision was based on something tangible and solid, and not just her impositions on you.

I know this is a lot easier said than done, as I am going though a similar situation with my girlfriend, with whom I've been with 4.5 years. I think this kind of decisions have to be made with the brain, not with the heart.

choose wisely!

So, so true. That's why I hesitate to sacrifice at all. I almost feel too young to have to sacrifice (as you said). I wonder if I look back 10 years from now and think "you were so naive and STUPID" to make that decision... either way. At this point, the safer and rational option is definitely Duke. We'll see how things go with scholarship announcements (early April for both schools) and my girlfriend's efforts with her parents (if they materialize...).
 
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i think if you guys were really meant to be, this decision wouldn't be so hard. if you want duke i'd go for it. honestly it seems like by agreeing to michigan you are either committing to marriage or misery. you'll probably try harder to make it work, even if it isnt working, just because you made the big sacrifice to be there. and if it does fall apart, then you'll have to be in class together, see each other dating other people, ugh!

my guess is you're probably 21-22. i dated lots of guys long term and found breakups to be relatively easy until my current relationship (i'm almost 27 now.) the difference is, i could actually see myself marrying him. in retrospect, my hesitation regarding other guys stemmed from the fact that they were definitely NOT right for me. i'd take your hesitation to mean the same thing. and unfortunately there's something to be said for timing. it's possible that my current boyfriend is much better for me than all the other guys in the past were, but it's also just possible that i am more ready for it now. honestly, its probably a combination of the two. and you know what else? i actually met him years ago and we didnt start dating til like 3 or 4 years later. (my point being, if its meant to be after all, it can survive a 4 year break.) if you guys break up during med school you could still reunite. seriously. its easier than you think.

in a way it was easy for me, because the school i liked best accepted me and it's right here where we live. i dont know what i would have done in your situation but honestly i think in 5-10 years its more likely that you'll regret your school choice than your breakup. you can always get back together with someone. you can't get that acceptance/ 4 years of school back!

I know... I love the girl to death but I just can't imagine how miserable I would be if I went to UM and we broke up. As they say, breaking up is never easy. I don't actually want to anyway. I would be in favor of trying a long distance relationship. If it doesn't work for either of us, I would be happy to end things on a friendly basis... and still remain friends. Not sure if she would want that though...
 
I know... I love the girl to death but I just can't imagine how miserable I would be if I went to UM and we broke up. As they say, breaking up is never easy. I don't actually want to anyway. I would be in favor of trying a long distance relationship. If it doesn't work for either of us, I would be happy to end things on a friendly basis... and still remain friends. Not sure if she would want that though...

haha i personally think long distance is the kiss of death, especially for med students. i think tons of M1s start the year in a long distance relationship and by M2 they are single, dating one of their classmates, or at least sleeping with one of them (or two.) some just cheat on each other. thats why i think its better to make a clean, amicable break. so when, in 5 years you are both mature and have some more experience under your belt, you can appreciate each other and give it another go. rather than resenting each other for the long distance relationship that kept you tied down for 4 years.

but i also agree with the poster above who said Michigan is a great school . . . it really is. this decision would be a lot tougher if she only got into a crap school
 
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haha i think this thread may have been better off without the school names . . now if you end up at michigan all your sdn-reading classmates will figure out who you are and know your whole sordid affair
 
haha i think this thread may have been better off without the school names . . now if you end up at michigan all your sdn-reading classmates will figure out who you are and know your whole sordid affair

Good point. Granted, he didn't give specifics relating to their ethnicities/etc. Granted (again), gossip does fly in medical school. However, he might end up at Duke and she at Michigan then no one will be the wiser. :idea:
 
Good point. Granted, he didn't give specifics relating to their ethnicities/etc. Granted (again), gossip does fly in medical school. However, he might end up at Duke and she at Michigan then no one will be the wiser. :idea:

thats what i was implying ;)
 
haha i think this thread may have been better off without the school names . . now if you end up at michigan all your sdn-reading classmates will figure out who you are and know your whole sordid affair

Perhaps... I can't say it matters that much to me, if that did happen. Still, I'll try to keep this anonymous.
 
Perhaps... I can't say it matters that much to me.

how do you think she'd like it? just sayin'

edit- i'm not tryin to be a dick. its just that once you all meet IRL its not too hard to figure out who's who. i've already accepted that if anyone cared enough to know who i was, they would. just something to keep in mind. all my previous advice still stands :)
 
OP,

I recommend not basing this decision on Duke's curriculum. It really only differs in 1yr (the research year) and the reputation is equivalent in terms of residency placement. This is an incredibly overrated concern. Now, if you like Duke's location or financial aid package better, that's a different story. Good luck!
 
Isn't Michigan ranked higher than Duke? Other than that, are you really going to take an ultimatum like that lying down (no pun intended)? Who's wearing the pants in this relationship.
 
If you love someone the time and distance shouldn't matter. When someone is being bossy and telling you to go against your grain, ie to school with them, or they'll dump you, it's outright manipulative.

Put aside all the other things, and realize you are 21, you will change immensely throughout your time in school.

Try this approach with your gf, when there is this ultimatum in our relationship, I feel that I am being manipulated. Explain to her how if you want to be happy in a relationship together, you both have to be happy first. That's just my 2 cents. Only opinion and what I've learned over time.

A
 
I'm a girl if that means anything...

But when a girl tells you that if you don't go to the school of her choice, she'll break up with you thats not good. If she really loved you and was in it for the long term she would have:

1. Told her parents by now. Good Lord two years?!

2. She would have wanted you to do what is best for YOU. No, its not unreasonable to want you to pick Michigan but giving you an ultimatum is definitely wrong. If she truly loves you, then she would want you to follow your heart and be happy, even if it will mean more sacrifice for both of you. Why should you be the only one to have to sacrifice? relationships are about compromise.

Also, if you do what she wants just because she told you to and you didn't break up while at med school in michigan...know that this will set the tone for the rest of your relationship if it hasn't already. It will be her telling you what to do and you following it. Trust me, women are THAT simple in that aspect. If you followed her will on what to do with something as huge as med school, don't be surprised if she picks out your residency for you.

At the same time, this is not something to break up over. Talk to her, tell her what you really want and try to work something out. If she's still looking out for number 1 (ie apparently not you) then you might have to decide to part ways.
:luck: OP!

Break up with her now before she breaks up with you, is what Hiefy is really trying to say ;)
 
Why do people ask these kinds of personal questions on public message boards? I'm not even talking about the anonymity issue, I just don't know how we can offer you advice when we haven't met you and don't know your relationship dynamic or personality. Some people would be too attached to their SO and go to UMich and never look back, other kinds of personalities would dump the girl with zero hesitation and go to Duke in your situation. I don't think anyone can decide but you, and it seems like you've already made your decision anyway. Good luck... I'll quite possibly meet at least one of you at UMich next year. :)
 
The answer is clear: Duke

Kick this manipulative lint licker to the curb. Do you really want this type of dominance in a marriage?

You're going to end up like many husbands with dominant wives. Ball-less.

Take your balls and high tail it the crap out of there.
 
Break up. Go to Duke. Walk through UNC's campus. Take in all of the beautiful women that are there. Then, take a weekend. Visit Wilmington and UNCW and be amazed that so many ridiculously attractive people could be at one place at the same time, all the time. Then do this :)
 
In all honesty, she sounds like quite the brat... Not to be cruel or anything but to give you that ultimatum she is essentially taking away your choice to purely chose the schools that will make you the happiest you can be.

Never ever ever ever ever make a choice such as this based on a girl. While you may not feel it now, there will always be others, especially when you are a big sexy do making 65k/yr(after the health care bill passes[being sarcastic{kinda}]).
 
We have been dating for about 2 years... however, she hasn't told her parents. :( it's weird, I know.

red flag. i wouldnt stay with her (even if it weren't long distance) if she is not willing to tell her parents after so long.

(triple negative?)
 
Break up with her now before she breaks up with you, is what Hiefy is really trying to say ;)

LOL. pretty much. Let's say she DOESN'T break up with you and you go to UMich for her...she will be controlling, you will be whipped. No one likes a whipped guy. Because you don't like confrontation, everyone will perceive you as someone who has no control over his own life.

The more realistic scenario...she will break up with you eventually. I know this because I'm also from a culture that is pretty traditional and expects me to marry/be with someone of the same. I have friends and roommates from the same culture as I who did date outside "the culture". These were two types of relationships. Some were serious, invested in their relationships, and told their parents about it within a year. These girls and their non"culture" boyfriends are planning on getting married/are married.

The other kind, which I believe you fall under OP, are the girls who aren't ready to settle down yet and just want "fun" relationships. Its pretty much generally understood that "fun" relationships need to happen outside the culture to someone you wouldn't marry. These flings happen while it is convenient for the girl, the guy usually doesn't know that this is the intent of the relationship. The fact that she said that she would break up with you over going to Duke might not just be because she can't handle long distance relationships. It might be because she knows its not going anywhere anyways so its a good time to end it because it is hard to maintain a long distance relationship you don't plan on keeping (sorry run on I know). This girl is not likely to choose you over her parents if she has avoided it for two years by now.

Seriously though, do what makes YOU happy in the long run. If you want to go to Duke, go there. If you want to go to UMich, go there. Just make sure it isn't because of a girl. Again, :luck: OP!
 
Thank you for your post (and everyone else too!).

The 2 years thing is unusual but not completely her fault. Her parents are strongly against, er, interracial relationships.

I could not agree more about this setting the tone for the rest of the relationship. I don't really like fighting with her, and I guess I cave a bit too easily. She's also thinking of a competitive specialty. i wonder if we have the same issue come up again during the match...

I'm definitely going to keep talking with her about it. I just didn't want to lie to her and say I'm 100% going to Michigan when there's a chance I end up at Duke (or somewhere else). She just doesn't want to have to try to deal with both a long distance relationship and the stresses of medical school, and I don't think she's wrong about that..

Hmm... i'm thinking indian girlfriend..

if she isn't serious enough to risk her parents being mildly upset, then how can YOU be expected to be serious enough about the relationship to sacrifice an amazing med school that is a better "fit" for your career goals?!
DOUBLE STANDARDS!!!!!
 
Obligatory:

funny-pictures-disregard-females-acquire-currency.jpg


(hey, you asked teh internets)
 
Well there's a red flag.
She basically told you she'd ditch you if you don't lick her boots.
If my gf told me that, I would be pretty apprehensive about our "future" together, or potential to build one while going to a med school that I chose as a second pick for her sake for that matter.

Save yourself now!!!!!! haha
 
Well there's a red flag.
She basically told you she'd ditch you if you don't lick her boots.
If my gf told me that, I would be pretty apprehensive about our "future" together, or potential to build one while going to a med school that I chose as a second pick for her sake for that matter.

Save yourself now!!!!!! haha

i gotta say this whole thing sounds rather unfair considering that we didn't hear her side of it. there's a big difference between:

a- "i want you to do what i say and if you don't i am dumping you"

versus b- "i really love you and it would be heartbreaking if we were apart. but we are lucky, we got into this great school together. wait- you still want to leave?? ok, that hurts, maybe that would be more than I can handle . . . if that were the case breaking up might be easier on my mental health . . ."

thats why i kinda think our advice should be based more on how the OP feels rather than our probably way-off-base perception of his poor girlfriend. to be fair, i said he should follow his gut and go to Duke. but because it sounds like he isnt that into her- NOT because i think she sounds like a bad person.
 
Hello,

As a resident, I am confident telling you that your major reasons for choosing Duke vs Michigan do not make sense.

Years 1-2 curriculum differences should be considered as nit-picking details only when all else is equal. Trust me. It is not important. In the end, you need to study a lot of board review books to get a good score in step 1. That score is the only thing that matters. No school adequately prepares you for boards with only their curriculum. So you will be spending the same amount of time studying for the boards regardless of where you go. Quizzes here, labs there - who cares? More time for electives / truncated curriculum? Doesn't matter at all - probably harder if anything. You will get a solid sense of what you want to do simply from the standard 3rd year rotations. It's all non-sense. Sales tactics.

Instead, you need to consider the following: proximity to friends/family, quality of 3rd and 4th year (likely equivalent at top-notch schools like these), happiness in particular location, pride in school/reputation/name (also equal in medicine but duke will impress more lay-people ie. your family if that is important to you), opportunities afterwards (again, equivalent).

So you want rational?

1. choose school based on preferred location, pride associated with name, proximity to friends/family.

2. if Duke is still where you'd prefer after choosing based ONLY on criteria in #1, then you need to choose how much more you want it based ONLY on those criteria and weigh that against breaking up with your GF who ONLY YOU can assess as reasonable or an ultimatum-creating biatch. NOBODY can help you with that here. You know that. And you know her well enough to know which category she falls into. None of us do.

3. If Michigan is equivalent or ever superior based ONLY on criteria in #1, go to Michigan. However, if you don't like the idea of her giving you an ultimatum (ie if she is being an unreasonable biatch from your standpoint), tell your girlfriend that you're choosing UMich because YOU want to go there, not because of her. Or don't if you think she's being reasonable.
 
i gotta say this whole thing sounds rather unfair considering that we didn't hear her side of it. there's a big difference between:

a- "i want you to do what i say and if you don't i am dumping you"

versus b- "i really love you and it would be heartbreaking if we were apart. but we are lucky, we got into this great school together. wait- you still want to leave?? ok, that hurts, maybe that would be more than I can handle . . . if that were the case breaking up might be easier on my mental health . . ."

thats why i kinda think our advice should be based more on how the OP feels rather than our probably way-off-base perception of his poor girlfriend. to be fair, i said he should follow his gut and go to Duke. but because it sounds like he isnt that into her- NOT because i think she sounds like a bad person.

You neglected the part about her keeping the relationship hidden for 2 years. I'd like to hear your spin on that one...

Granted, all anyone asking for advice in forums is going to get is completely based on self-reported info. We just have to work with what we are given. The actual situation maybe different, but given the information we have, there's no way you can think she's being fair.
 
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