Personal Statement Question

[jarednogeek]

Quick question
My personal statement opens up with a few sentences describing a war scene I witnessed the aftermath of, then talks about the fragility of life. It then begins the next paragraph describing a surgery shadowing experience and how life can also be recovered through medicine. Also, I'm not military just have family in war torn country that I visit every year and saw a lot when I was a kid.

My question: My pre-med advisor read it and said to leave drama out and take it out of the PS, but I feel that it belongs in my narrative of why I want to become a physician. Adcoms if you want I can PM you the paragraph. Anyways thanks for the help, should I change it?

@Goro
@LizzyM
@gonnif

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[HomeSkool]

You can remove the drama and retain the message. Drama almost never works well in a personal statement. Your advisor is right.

 

[jarednogeek]

You can remove the drama and retain the message. Drama almost never works well in a personal statement. Your advisor is right.

thank you for the input, do you mind if I send you the (6ish) sentences in question and get your opinion if it's drama?

 

[HomeSkool]

thank you for the input, do you mind if I send you the (6ish) sentences in question and get your opinion if it's drama?

No, I don't mind.

 

[LizzyM]

Go with something narrative rather than dramatic.

During my childhood, my family visited relatives in ___ each summer. As violence tore through that city/country/region (choose your term), I witnessed in the toll it took on the communtiy, profound injuries, deaths, destruction of property, the fear and grief of those who survived. yada yada yada.

No rockets whizzing overead, no cowering in shelters... just a few simple sentences will get your point across, no?

 

[jarednogeek]

Go with something narrative rather than dramatic.

During my childhood, my family visited relatives in ___ each summer. As violence tore through that city/country/region (choose your term), I witnessed in the toll it took on the communtiy, profound injuries, deaths, destruction of property, the fear and grief of those who survived. yada yada yada.

No rockets whizzing overead, no cowering in shelters... just a few simple sentences will get your point across, no?

Thank you LizzyM, I always respect your input on the forums. Do you mind if I send you the sentences? It's in narrative form but I am worried after my advisor's words.

 

[LizzyM]

Thank you LizzyM, I always respect your input on the forums. Do you mind if I send you the sentences? It's in narrative form but I am worried after my advisor's words.

Sure. I'll look at your opening sentences.

 

[jarednogeek]

Sure. I'll look at your opening sentences.

Thank you, I appreciate the input, I sent you a "conversation"

 

[platty]

Go with something narrative rather than dramatic.

During my childhood, my family visited relatives in ___ each summer. As violence tore through that city/country/region (choose your term), I witnessed in the toll it took on the communtiy, profound injuries, deaths, destruction of property, the fear and grief of those who survived. yada yada yada.

No rockets whizzing overead, no cowering in shelters... just a few simple sentences will get your point across, no?

This is something I had to be careful of for my personal statement, and I took an approach similar to this. I feel like using details to have the reader put themselves in your shoes or to emphasize the impact an experience had is ok, just don't go crazy with it. I was a bit dramatic in mine and I got multiple interviews and was accepted at my top choice.