Please critique a short Health Program essay

[LincolnTwins]

If you're interested PM me and I'll send the re-write to you

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[shkaun]

Yo man, I read your essay. You have some obvious sentence mistakes, im sure youll catch those. But what i notice about your essay was you alot and it seems sincere, but theres no substance, no proof, and so it seems kinda fake. U should add some examples of how u no u like helping ppl or why the poor need to be served over those who already have health care. Whatever made u think this way u should ass in the essay if u can, cause otherwise its just cliche that u want to help ppl, u no? And find some other words for "less fortunate". hope that helps.

 

[Dr OCD]

every single paragraph starts with "I", use some transitions. like the above poster mentioned, you sound sincere but there needs to be more concrete stuff. maybe an anecdote or two about how you feel disadvantaged. also, im not sure its wise to say "i didnt have this but other kids at others schools did". talk just about your situation and what you lacked without saying what others had...if that makes sense

good luck and i hope everything works out!

 

[Yehosh]

I kind of agree with Shkaun. Keep in mind the the people reading such essays see many of these and you have to differentiate yourself from the pack. You need more meat, more examples.

When I wrote my personal statement or other such essays, each paragraph had a purpose which relates to the overall goal of the essay. If you're presenting a quality about yourself or a past experience, you have to tie it in to the essay.

For example, you enjoy helping others. Thats good. Explain why you think this is a vital characteristic for those who choose to pursue a career in medicine and give a concrete example from your past experiences. Something like "the personal satisfaction I received when I assisted Dr. this and that in treating..." and so on.

I also feel that you did not explain well enough why you want to pursue a career in medicine. I know 500 words isn't much, but maybe a small personal story to begin with which relates to why you want medicine. It is captivating and will make your essay seem less generic. The reader will remember as "the guy who assisted in... or contributed to..." instead of "yet another guy who wants to help others". I hope you get my point.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, just trying to help. Good luck!! I hope you get accepted

 

[8744]

Avoid words like "pursuing," "goal," "leadership," and above all, "passionate."

In other words, write about these things without explicitely naming them. Unless of course the people running the program to which you are applying are the usual mindless bureaucrats in which case don't change a thing because they expect all of the code words.

But your essay is horrible. Extremely ponderous and a chore to wade through even though it is only 500 words. It seemed like 2000.

For God's sake. Why would you admit that your work ethic needs to be improved?

 

[KoreanMusicbox]

Avoid words like "pursuing," "goal," "leadership," and above all, "passionate."

In other words, write about these things without explicitely naming them. Unless of course the people running the program to which you are applying are the usual mindless bureaucrats in which case don't change a thing because they expect all of the code words.

But your essay is horrible. Extremely ponderous and a chore to wade through even though it is only 500 words. It seemed like 2000.

For God's sake. Why would you admit that your work ethic needs to be improved?

That was so mean

 

[8744]

I appreciate you taking your time looking at this thread. This is a short 470 word essay (1 and a half pages, double spaced). I'm writing this essay for a summer program called FastStart at my college, so I can get a headstart on college math and science. Students spend five weeks doing math and science with college professors, and spend time with doctors at health clinics. Really awesome.

They mainly look for disadvantaged kids (me) who are interested in health careers. I really want to get into this program, so again your help is much appreciated.

I tried to gear my essay towards highlighting challenges and difficulties in my life that make me disadvantaged, wanted it to be interesting and uniqe, and I wanted to sound smart but not too smart (if that makes sense). If you have any questions, or I didnt clarify something, please dont hesitate to ask.


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Prompt: Please write an essay discussing your academic and career goals, your interest in pursuing a career in medicine, and your interest in FastStart. Your statement should be approximately 300-500 words.
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I will consider my life successful if I have helped to make my community a better place. Pursuing a career in the health care field will allow me to do this to the fullest extent due to my love of people and science. I sincerely believe FastStart will aid me in a way that no other program can. My participation will not only allow me to achieve my goals of becoming a physician and improving the lives of others, but it will also help me become a more effective leader and a better student.

I hope to obtain my Bachelor’s degree in Neuroscience from UCR and complete an M.D. after that through the UCR/UCLA Haider Program. One of the reasons I chose to attend UCR is the Haider program; its emphasis on training physicians to care for the less fortunate is an ideal I share. Eventually, I hope to found a community clinic to serve exceptionally needy individuals who might not otherwise have access to health care.

I enjoy helping others. Just as others have helped my family through challenging financial times, I want to help others in similar situations when I am able to. Furthermore, the miracle of science, and the reason why I am so passionate about the subject, is its pursuit of attempting to understand the miracle of nature and man. I enjoy the subject, and am eager to learn more about it every day. It made perfect sense for me to combine my two passions in choosing a career; I can’t imagine myself doing anything else.

I am excited that UCR provides me the opportunity of such a wonderful program as FastStart. Unfortunately, I have not had the opportunity at my community high school that others (in different schools) may have had with regard to academic preparation. However, if I am accepted to the FastStart program, I will be able to acquire the college level preparation in science and mathematics that I was unable to in high school. I will also be able to expand my leadership skills in a new setting and take advantage of UCR’s broad range of opportunities, helping me achieve my educational, career, and life goals.

I have always felt that I have been at a disadvantage in my education, especially with regards to preparation for a career in the health sciences. College was an intimidating thought, but with a program such as FastStart I honestly feel as if I can be equal with others in preparation for the rigors of higher level learning. With FastStart, I will have an opportunity that I have never had before to improve upon my intelligence, innovative thinking, and work ethic.
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Give it a rest.

 

[LincolnTwins]

Give it a rest.

You're cool because you post on an internet message board.

 

[KoreanMusicbox]

Are you being sarcastic, Lincoln?

 

[Yehosh]

of course he is

The guy posts his essay, asks for feedback and gets "it's horrible... give it a rest"

 

[8744]

You're cool because you post on an internet message board.

Look, your essay blows. You asked for opinions and now you get all bitchy because I gave you one. I also have a blog so that must make me double cool.

If you think I'm only criticising you because I'm anonymous, send me a PS and I will give you my real name, my email address, and any other information to convince you that your writing style is ponderous and pendantic and I'm criticising it in good faith, not sniping.

If you can't handle a little criticism from little old me you are going to self-destruct in medical school and residency.

 

[8744]

of course he is

The guy posts his essay, asks for feedback and gets "it's horrible... give it a rest"

Well, it is horrible. Especially for the reasons I pointed out. And he does need to back off of the horrible cliches.

 

[LincolnTwins]

Look, your essay blows. You asked for opinions and now you get all bitchy because I gave you one. I also have a blog so that must make me double cool.

If you think I'm only criticising you because I'm anonymous, send me a PS and I will give you my real name, my email address, and any other information to convince you that your writing style is ponderous and pendantic and I'm criticising it in good faith, not sniping.

If you can't handle a little criticism from little old me you are going to self-destruct in medical school and residency.

Well if you actually think that, and you're not just being a dick about it, then it's cool.

 

[Yehosh]

Well, it is horrible. Especially for the reasons I pointed out. And he does need to back off of the horrible cliches.

hey man, I never said you're wrong. It's just that telling somebody their work is horrible kind of hurts. But you're %100 right on the cliches. I actually found it challenging to avoid them in my PS, but eventually got around it. I also had a lot of help.

But Lincoln, the most important part is MEAT

and don't worry about it being a poor first draft. The first draft for my PS was a joke compared to the end product.

 

[obgyny]

hey man, I never said you're wrong. It's just that telling somebody their work is horrible kind of hurts. But you're %100 right on the cliches. I actually found it challenging to avoid them in my PS, but eventually got around it. I also had a lot of help.

But Lincoln, the most important part is MEAT

and don't worry about it being a poor first draft. The first draft for my PS was a joke compared to the end product.

i agree. i'm not the best writer and it's sometimes hard for me to get away from cliches. actually, the hardest thing for me is to start writing. but i sought help from a woman who runs the writing center at my community college to look over my PSs (i had to write 3 for the UC system). getting help from someone who is not pre-med, but a good writer might be a good idea.

to the OP, to be honest, your essay needs some work. a lot of what you wrote could be shortened up substantially. for example, your 2nd paragraph could probably be re-written into a sentence or maybe 2.

as stated before, you really should use examples or experiences to back up your statements. and if you are disadvantaged, then explain your situation instead of just saying it.

the prompt also asks you to describe "your interest in pursuing a career in medicine." explain how you got interested in medicine in the first place. for instance, in my 500 wd personal statement, i wrote about how i was always interested in science, but i decided to become a doctor after being hospitalized when i was 16. shortly thereafter, i then volunteered at a hospital. i wrote about a memorable experience i had while volunteering that made me want to become a doctor even more....well you get the point....

just a few suggestions.

however, it was pretty brave of you to post up your essay for everyone to read and criticize. i'm pretty self-conscious about my essays. i only let 2 people read my personal statements, but i probably should've let more people read them! it's always good to have multiple perspectives.

good luck!!!

 

[LincolnTwins]

Would anyone here mind if I PM'ed them the new and improved essay?

Oh well, I'll just do it anyways.

 

[KoreanMusicbox]

post it here again! Come on