Oh no this is not what I
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- Apr 7, 2007
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If you're interested PM me and I'll send the re-write to you
Avoid words like "pursuing," "goal," "leadership," and above all, "passionate."
In other words, write about these things without explicitely naming them. Unless of course the people running the program to which you are applying are the usual mindless bureaucrats in which case don't change a thing because they expect all of the code words.
But your essay is horrible. Extremely ponderous and a chore to wade through even though it is only 500 words. It seemed like 2000.
For God's sake. Why would you admit that your work ethic needs to be improved?
I appreciate you taking your time looking at this thread. This is a short 470 word essay (1 and a half pages, double spaced). I'm writing this essay for a summer program called FastStart at my college, so I can get a headstart on college math and science. Students spend five weeks doing math and science with college professors, and spend time with doctors at health clinics. Really awesome.
They mainly look for disadvantaged kids (me) who are interested in health careers. I really want to get into this program, so again your help is much appreciated.
I tried to gear my essay towards highlighting challenges and difficulties in my life that make me disadvantaged, wanted it to be interesting and uniqe, and I wanted to sound smart but not too smart (if that makes sense). If you have any questions, or I didnt clarify something, please dont hesitate to ask.
Prompt: Please write an essay discussing your academic and career goals, your interest in pursuing a career in medicine, and your interest in FastStart. Your statement should be approximately 300-500 words.
I will consider my life successful if I have helped to make my community a better place. Pursuing a career in the health care field will allow me to do this to the fullest extent due to my love of people and science. I sincerely believe FastStart will aid me in a way that no other program can. My participation will not only allow me to achieve my goals of becoming a physician and improving the lives of others, but it will also help me become a more effective leader and a better student.
I hope to obtain my Bachelors degree in Neuroscience from UCR and complete an M.D. after that through the UCR/UCLA Haider Program. One of the reasons I chose to attend UCR is the Haider program; its emphasis on training physicians to care for the less fortunate is an ideal I share. Eventually, I hope to found a community clinic to serve exceptionally needy individuals who might not otherwise have access to health care.
I enjoy helping others. Just as others have helped my family through challenging financial times, I want to help others in similar situations when I am able to. Furthermore, the miracle of science, and the reason why I am so passionate about the subject, is its pursuit of attempting to understand the miracle of nature and man. I enjoy the subject, and am eager to learn more about it every day. It made perfect sense for me to combine my two passions in choosing a career; I cant imagine myself doing anything else.
I am excited that UCR provides me the opportunity of such a wonderful program as FastStart. Unfortunately, I have not had the opportunity at my community high school that others (in different schools) may have had with regard to academic preparation. However, if I am accepted to the FastStart program, I will be able to acquire the college level preparation in science and mathematics that I was unable to in high school. I will also be able to expand my leadership skills in a new setting and take advantage of UCRs broad range of opportunities, helping me achieve my educational, career, and life goals.
I have always felt that I have been at a disadvantage in my education, especially with regards to preparation for a career in the health sciences. College was an intimidating thought, but with a program such as FastStart I honestly feel as if I can be equal with others in preparation for the rigors of higher level learning. With FastStart, I will have an opportunity that I have never had before to improve upon my intelligence, innovative thinking, and work ethic.
You're cool because you post on an internet message board.
Look, your essay blows. You asked for opinions and now you get all bitchy because I gave you one. I also have a blog so that must make me double cool.
If you think I'm only criticising you because I'm anonymous, send me a PS and I will give you my real name, my email address, and any other information to convince you that your writing style is ponderous and pendantic and I'm criticising it in good faith, not sniping.
If you can't handle a little criticism from little old me you are going to self-destruct in medical school and residency.
Well, it is horrible. Especially for the reasons I pointed out. And he does need to back off of the horrible cliches.
hey man, I never said you're wrong. It's just that telling somebody their work is horrible kind of hurts. But you're %100 right on the cliches. I actually found it challenging to avoid them in my PS, but eventually got around it. I also had a lot of help.
But Lincoln, the most important part is MEAT
and don't worry about it being a poor first draft. The first draft for my PS was a joke compared to the end product.