Please Help: Critique my essay!!

[Alex_G]

This is an additional essay to help explain my average to low GPA:

http://www.mdapplicants.com/viewprofile.php?id=3670

The diversity and experiences I will bring to {your medical school} cannot be reflected in a mathematical model, although the mathematical model solution, when examined closely can be an indication of my maturity, ability and effort exhibited during my undergraduate career. In reviewing my undergraduate grade point average, please consider the upward shift, demanding undergraduate curriculum and my work requirements.

I will admit that my GPA was not my main concern as I began my undergraduate career. I always believed and knew I was intelligent, and did not think grades were important. However, as I matured and entered my junior year of college, I began to realize the importance of grades in proving to medical schools I could handle the rigorous curriculum. It should be clear to see, that during my junior and senior year my grades improved exponentially. In addition, my performance on the MCAT and my performance in my undergraduate curriculum over the past two years should be a clear indication I can handle the medical school curriculum.

For as long as I can remember, I have been working. When I was younger, at the grocery store, and during my college career managing a gas station. Since arriving to the US, I have had to help to financially support family, myself and later my academic career in college. I am proud to have worked a minimum of thirty hours a week, while at times taking nineteen credit hours of demanding biomedical engineering education a semester. This did not leave much time after school and on the weekends to study and catch up to schooling when, in addition considering all the other activities I was committed to. However, as I matured I mastered the art of time management. When comparing my transcript to my work requirements, it is clear to see that the more challenging my course load became, the better grades were.

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[CerealBox]

This is an additional essay to help explain my average to low GPA:

http://www.mdapplicants.com/viewprofile.php?id=3670

The diversity and experiences I will bring to {your medical school} cannot be reflected in a mathematical model, although the mathematical model solution, when examined closely can be an indication of my maturity, ability and effort exhibited during my undergraduate career. In reviewing my undergraduate grade point average, please consider the upward shift, demanding undergraduate curriculum and my work requirements.

I will admit that my GPA was not my main concern as I began my undergraduate career. I always believed and knew I was intelligent, and did not think grades were important. However, as I matured and entered my junior year of college, I began to realize the importance of grades in proving to medical schools I could handle the rigorous curriculum. It should be clear to see, that during my junior and senior year my grades improved exponentially. In addition, my performance on the MCAT and my performance in my undergraduate curriculum over the past two years should be a clear indication I can handle the medical school curriculum.

For as long as I can remember, I have been working. When I was younger, at the grocery store, and during my college career managing a gas station. Since arriving to the US, I have had to help to financially support family, myself and later my academic career in college. I am proud to have worked a minimum of thirty hours a week, while at times taking nineteen credit hours of demanding biomedical engineering education a semester. This did not leave much time after school and on the weekends to study and catch up to schooling when, in addition considering all the other activities I was committed to. However, as I matured I mastered the art of time management. When comparing my transcript to my work requirements, it is clear to see that the more challenging my course load became, the better grades were.

your GPA isn't SO bad.
And are you sure your grades increased EXPONENTIALLY?? That is a little overboard, i think. I just understand what that word means...
Also, if you MUST explain your GPA, I would be more succinct. Like, after your intro, state you worked 30hr/wk at blah blah blah, you have a hard school schedule, and you show an upward trend. And don't sound so harsh like its the end of the world. It might make someone think twice about you.

 

[Newman8r]

This is an additional essay to help explain my average to low GPA:

http://www.mdapplicants.com/viewprofile.php?id=3670

The diversity and experiences I will bring to {your medical school} cannot be reflected in a mathematical model, although the mathematical model solution, when examined closely can be an indication of my maturity, ability and effort exhibited during my undergraduate career. In reviewing my undergraduate grade point average, please consider the upward shift, demanding undergraduate curriculum and my work requirements.

I will admit that my GPA was not my main concern as I began my undergraduate career. I always believed and knew I was intelligent, and did not think grades were important. However, as I matured and entered my junior year of college, I began to realize the importance of grades in proving to medical schools I could handle the rigorous curriculum. It should be clear to see, that during my junior and senior year my grades improved exponentially. In addition, my performance on the MCAT and my performance in my undergraduate curriculum over the past two years should be a clear indication I can handle the medical school curriculum.

For as long as I can remember, I have been working. When I was younger, at the grocery store, and during my college career managing a gas station. Since arriving to the US, I have had to help to financially support family, myself and later my academic career in college. I am proud to have worked a minimum of thirty hours a week, while at times taking nineteen credit hours of demanding biomedical engineering education a semester. This did not leave much time after school and on the weekends to study and catch up to schooling when, in addition considering all the other activities I was committed to. However, as I matured I mastered the art of time management. When comparing my transcript to my work requirements, it is clear to see that the more challenging my course load became, the better grades were.

I have a few suggestions for you (you have a lot to work with, I thought the basic idea behind this paper was good)

1) In the intro, the whole thing about the mathematical model solution sounded a bit awkward to me - whether or not anyone else would think that, I am not sure. I think if you worded this part a bit differently it might sound better.

2) 2nd paragraph, talking about how GPA wasn't always your main concern: it seems like you are repeating yourself a little bit here. Also, the sentence "I always believed and knew I was intelligent, and did not think grades were important." sounds kinf of disjointed. I'm not sure if you were trying to convey something like 'I always believed I was smart so I didn't feel the need to prove myself through GPA'' or something else. Maybe rephrase that.

3) the last sentence of paragraph 2: this is purely a matter of opinion - The 'should be' makes you sound less than confident in your own performance (which doesn't appear to be too bad). Also, it sounds kind of like you are stating that you can handle the medical school curriculum, but that strikes me as a bit presumptious (not in a horrible way, but I got that suibtle vibe) because you don't actually know that... maybe instead you could say something along the lines of "...it is clear that I can handle a rigorous curriculum..." Even if you decide to keep it the way it is, I suggest that you place the word 'that' after the word 'indication' in the last sentence of the paragraph - it just sounds better.

4) The last paragraph seems out of place. When I read it, it almost sounded like I was at the beginning of a different paper. I would suggest that you alter this paragraph and place it somewhere besides the end. You should consider a separate paragraph that can act as a conclusion. In addition to this, the first two sentences of paragraph 3 could be combined and altered, something like "For as long as I can remember, I have been working: at the grocery store when I was younger, and as the manager of a gas station throughout my undergraduate career"

5) this one looks like a typo, I believe it's supposed to read "the better my grades were" with the addition of 'my'


OK, good luck. I think its a good paper - I just wanted to give you a few things to think about for your final draft

 

[Newman8r]

btw if you want more help let me know, I'm always down to read papers less than 20 pages

 

[kkd3]

Hey, this is the first time I'm using this webiste. I am a Cornell student who has a 3.4 GPA, 3.3 Science and a 30 (all 10s) on my MCAT. I just decided that I did not want to wait a year to apply. Does anyone have any comments/suggestions? I am just missing my essay and then I will be able to submit AMCAS.

Your comments would be helfpul. Thanks

 

[Crete]

The diversity and experiences I will bring to {your medical school} cannot be reflected in a mathematical model, although the mathematical model solution, when examined closely can be an indication of my maturity, ability and effort exhibited during my undergraduate career. In reviewing my undergraduate grade point average, please consider the upward shift, demanding undergraduate curriculum and my work requirements.

I would agree to avoid the mathematical model stuff. Be simple. GPA IS an indication of maturity, ability, and effort, something you did not have then but do now (give a reason). Make sure you point out the vastly improved (is exponential the right word?) GPA as of the last two years. I like the last sentence.

I will admit that my GPA was not my main concern as I began my undergraduate career. I always believed and knew I was intelligent, and did not think grades were important. However, as I matured and entered my junior year of college, I began to realize the importance of grades in proving to medical schools I could handle the rigorous curriculum. It should be clear to see, that during my junior and senior year my grades improved exponentially. In addition, my performance on the MCAT and my performance in my undergraduate curriculum over the past two years should be a clear indication I can handle the medical school curriculum.


Now that you have taken responsibility for yourself in the first paragraph, use the second to explain family situations that also impacted your GPA and how you resolved them over the last two years and perhaps what this has taught you (i.e. this may be an oppurtunity to throw a plug here about your uniqueness and how that will add something unique to the class. Your talk of maturing would be better in the first paragraph, including the med school curriculum stuff.

For as long as I can remember, I have been working. When I was younger, at the grocery store, and during my college career managing a gas station. Since arriving to the US, I have had to help to financially support family, myself and later my academic career in college. I am proud to have worked a minimum of thirty hours a week, while at times taking nineteen credit hours of demanding biomedical engineering education a semester. This did not leave much time after school and on the weekends to study and catch up to schooling when, in addition considering all the other activities I was committed to. However, as I matured I mastered the art of time management. When comparing my transcript to my work requirements, it is clear to see that the more challenging my course load became, the better grades were.

I like everything you said here, I would just put it in the format I explained above. Good job overall. PM if you need anymore help. Good luck!

By the way, is this going to be in your PS, secondary, or update letter? If in PS, you may be dedicating MUCH to much time to such a small part of the app unless it ties in well to why you want to be a physician.

 

[silas2642]

This is an additional essay to help explain my average to low GPA:

http://www.mdapplicants.com/viewprofile.php?id=3670

The diversity and experiences I will bring to {your medical school} cannot be reflected in a mathematical model, although the mathematical model solution, when examined closely can be an indication of my maturity, ability and effort exhibited during my undergraduate career. In reviewing my undergraduate grade point average, please consider the upward shift, demanding undergraduate curriculum and my work requirements.

I will admit that my GPA was not my main concern as I began my undergraduate career. I always believed and knew I was intelligent, and did not think grades were important. However, as I matured and entered my junior year of college, I began to realize the importance of grades in proving to medical schools I could handle the rigorous curriculum. It should be clear to see, that during my junior and senior year my grades improved exponentially. In addition, my performance on the MCAT and my performance in my undergraduate curriculum over the past two years should be a clear indication I can handle the medical school curriculum.

For as long as I can remember, I have been working. When I was younger, at the grocery store, and during my college career managing a gas station. Since arriving to the US, I have had to help to financially support family, myself and later my academic career in college. I am proud to have worked a minimum of thirty hours a week, while at times taking nineteen credit hours of demanding biomedical engineering education a semester. This did not leave much time after school and on the weekends to study and catch up to schooling when, in addition considering all the other activities I was committed to. However, as I matured I mastered the art of time management. When comparing my transcript to my work requirements, it is clear to see that the more challenging my course load became, the better grades were.

Okay... I gotta agree with one of the other replies... if this is an amcas or any kind of statement of purpose essay, be careful about using it. Personally, your GPA isn't bad at all, and there just ain't all that much to explain. Don't waste time and space talking about why your gpa is what it is... that doesn't tell the reader why you want to go into medicine and why you think you would be a good doctor. It doesn't say anything about you except that you think you have a low gpa and that you think you're really quite bright.

 

[MoosePilot]

This is an additional essay to help explain my average to low GPA:

http://www.mdapplicants.com/viewprofile.php?id=3670

The diversity and experiences I will bring to {your medical school} cannot be reflected in a mathematical model, although the mathematical model solution, when examined closely can be an indication of my maturity, ability and effort exhibited during my undergraduate career. In reviewing my undergraduate grade point average, please consider the upward shift, demanding undergraduate curriculum and my work requirements.

I will admit that my GPA was not my main concern as I began my undergraduate career. I always believed and knew I was intelligent, and did not think grades were important. However, as I matured and entered my junior year of college, I began to realize the importance of grades in proving to medical schools I could handle the rigorous curriculum. It should be clear to see, that during my junior and senior year my grades improved exponentially. In addition, my performance on the MCAT and my performance in my undergraduate curriculum over the past two years should be a clear indication I can handle the medical school curriculum.

For as long as I can remember, I have been working. When I was younger, at the grocery store, and during my college career managing a gas station. Since arriving to the US, I have had to help to financially support family, myself and later my academic career in college. I am proud to have worked a minimum of thirty hours a week, while at times taking nineteen credit hours of demanding biomedical engineering education a semester. This did not leave much time after school and on the weekends to study and catch up to schooling when, in addition considering all the other activities I was committed to. However, as I matured I mastered the art of time management. When comparing my transcript to my work requirements, it is clear to see that the more challenging my course load became, the better grades were.

Your GPA is ok. I wouldn't go this far to explain it.

If you do, be sure you can back up everything you say. How do you improve their diversity? Are you really that unique? Where you really doing an unusual number of activities?

Get rid of the "believe and knew" part.

 

[mercaptovizadeh]

Mkay, two brief points:

1.) Your GPA is fine and requires no written explanation, certainly not a full essay.

2.) The essay is trash, from the first sentence onward. The "mathematical model" thing is ******ed, and so are the parts where you boast about your MCAT and "knowing you are intelligent." You come off as arrogant with an inferiority complex. If I were the ADCOM member reading this, I would trash the whole application. Just forget about the GPA and find something more important/intelligent to say under additional comments. You say you came to the US from another country, perhaps you could play that up, certainly it's given you a whole different perspective from a kid born and raised entirely in the US by "typically American" parents.