Please help! To any and all female pre-meds, students, residents...etc

[DMBAND]

Ok so here's my problem which is, I'm sure, far from a unique one. My boyfriend (whom I do see a future with) and I were both brought up with our mom home 24/7. Based on personal things we don't want our kids in daycare and I'm sure it's hard to always have to rely on family to babysit. That being the case HOW DO YOU DO THIS?? I want to be a relatively young mom (first kid @ or before 30 at this point) and not neglect them. I also am not the type of person to be home "only" raising kids I know I want to work too even if it is part-time until they're in school. I am currently debating taking an acceptance for next year or applying to get my MSW to be a social worker/counselor which would clearly make the children question a little easier. But I'm worried about how I'll feel when my kids are older and don't need me around all the time I don't want to end up regretting either decision. Sorry this is so long basically HELP please! Thanks

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[NonTradMed]

Well, there are some doctors who work part time and you can go to websites like www.mommd.com to see how people balance kids and job.

However, I have to tell you that medicine isn't for really a part time gig and it is not the most family friendly job. There are specialities which will give you a lot of freetime but if you have plans to stay home with your kids and feel that your schedule will make you inflexible, you may want to put off on medical school.

The unfortunate reality is that medicine is a 'front-heavy' profession, meaning that there is intense time requirement in your early years and it gets easier only later. I'm assuming you're in your early 20's, and if you follow the general medical route, you'll be close to 30 when you're done with residency. You can have kids at that point and work part time. But I've heard it's hard to find since you're you're relatively new in your field, and most doctors spent their first few years out of residency establishing a new practice, which can be pretty demanding. Also, keep in mind that in medicine, "part time" is roughly 30 hours, it's not literally half of 40 = 20 hours/week

Also, there's debt you have to think about. What is your boyfriend planning on doing with his life? You have to figure out how much debt you'll be in by the time graduation rolls around and how you plan on paying it back while raising children, especially if you're doing part time.

For the female students in my school, many have said they will have their spouses stay home or cut back. This makes sense for most of them since many are married to spouses which do not make as much as they will probably make as physicians. If your boyfriend is not going to be making as much as you, you may want to consider having him stay with the kids.

As for me, I plan on working when I have kids. My mother and grandmother both worked fulltime all their lives, as does most of my aunties. I also know girls in med school who just plan on juggling kids and jobs...like many women in this country.

 

[bohemianchic]

I would remind you that being a social worker can be a very draining profession and I am not sure you should consider this as an alternative "easier" profession. In terms of medicine I would keep in mind you can have a children and be a doctor, but every choice has consequences. What you cannot have is it all. You can't be the top doc in your give field, chair of the department and make all your kids little league games. The women I know in medicine make compromises. They may work less when their children our younger or choose careers/jobs that allow them flexibility. In addition they have supportive partners that handle part of the childcare. Choose the career you love and you will find a way to bend it to your needs.

 

[aspirationMD]

Well I sort of face a question like this. I am a mom already, I have two kids. I started waaay young (which contributes to my late start in all this). Anyway, I would like at least one more child, as I am starting a new life with someone new (whom i hope to share my life with and presumably he will want a child). I don't want children past 30-32. Luckily my current children have my mother as a babysitter, as I won't do day care. In two years my son won't need child care and by the time I'm half way through med school he and my daughter will both be teenagers. When I begin residency they will be grown!

Lots of people do this, just make sure that you and your guy have a plan and give each other full support. Eventually it will works itself out ... well hopefully with hard work and effort.

 

[MomTo2Boys]

I do not envy you younger ladies your choices. I had a big-time career when my children were little and a nanny and a housekeeper (etc.) and I realized that was NOT what I wanted, so I quit and became a stay-at-home mom. We very much had to restructure our finances and downscale our home, etc., but I do not look back with any form of regret, only with gratitude that I did that.

I look back and am very, very glad that I had my babies young (I was 19 and early 20s when I had them) because now I am hoping that I will be able to catch the career on the latter end of their childhood.

I know that this little story does not help you, but I want to help bolster your feelings that when you have children, they will be so important to you that your career may come in a distant second place. I feel horrible for you ladies who have to make such difficult choices, knowing that delaying childbearing may mean no childbearing at all or fertility treatments, but that having children young may mean delaying or leaving a career. In the end, if I never have a career at all but I stayed with my children I will feel that that would be, by far, the better choice.

Medicine is especially difficult because, in order to pursue it, you are probably staring a huge amount of debt in the face and who can afford to walk away from a career when you are saddled with THAT? In the end, you may have to get creative, like having the Daddy or grandparents or even a nanny incredibly involved in order to fill the gap, but the sad truth of the matter is that they are not YOU and that children grow quickly and that time cannot be recovered.

I am not, in any way, trying to be discouraging. I just want to say that it is a fallacy, a cruel fallacy, that a woman can "have it all."

 

[psipsina]

My hubby and I have yet to decide definitively if we want kids (which is a whole nother conversation) but if we do have them he is going to stay home with them during their preschool years and then arrange to behome for afterschool from then on. I'm not in this for the money so I'm not too worried about living on only the phsycian income for a few years. He has however said that he won't be up for this plan if I'm a surgeon with an 80+ hour workweek as an attending, because he'd basically be a single parent. Also keep in mind the beauty of emergency medicine where you work shifts with no oncalls. I've heard of people pulling 15 12hr shifts per month and making decent money (around 200k) which seems like a good option for sharing the parenting a bit more.

 

[crazy_cavalier]

Do you really need to worry about this now? Come on now, honestly.

 

[ssquared]

To the OP: there are other options than what you listed. My family had a full-time nanny who helped take care of my sister and me until I was 10, and then we had a driver who took us to our assorted after school activities (no joke-my parents worked full-time, my father owned his own business, and they weren't able to stay home with us).

Social work is terribly draining. My mother was a social worker for a couple of years before it got to her and she quit and went back to school. She now works for the federal government (she got an MPH from Hopkins in the meantime).

I don't think medicine precludes having children, they just must be timed carefully. I wouldn't put off your dreams for children that may or may not happen. It's your life, doesn't your happiness count?

 

[melissainsd]

Well I sort of face a question like this. I am a mom already, I have two kids. I started waaay young (which contributes to my late start in all this). Anyway, I would like at least one more child, as I am starting a new life with someone new (whom i hope to share my life with and presumably he will want a child). I don't want children past 30-32. Luckily my current children have my mother as a babysitter, as I won't do day care. In two years my son won't need child care and by the time I'm half way through med school he and my daughter will both be teenagers. When I begin residency they will be grown!

Lots of people do this, just make sure that you and your guy have a plan and give each other full support. Eventually it will works itself out ... well hopefully with hard work and effort.

I wonder if you would change your mind if you had no family to watch your children (my husband and I both lost parents). I really don't see what is so bad about daycare. I don't want to hijack this thread or get flamed, but it really bothers me when people get preachy about raising kids- as if it is somehow damaging to have kids in daycare. Both of my parents worked and I never felt neglected or unloved. I guess there will always be friction between SOM and those of us that work, but I know that I would be miserable if I gave up my own dreams (and a miserable mom is not a good mom).

 

[NonTradMed]

I do not envy you younger ladies your choices. I had a big-time career when my children were little and a nanny and a housekeeper (etc.) and I realized that was NOT what I wanted, so I quit and became a stay-at-home mom. We very much had to restructure our finances and downscale our home, etc., but I do not look back with any form of regret, only with gratitude that I did that.

I look back and am very, very glad that I had my babies young (I was 19 and early 20s when I had them) because now I am hoping that I will be able to catch the career on the latter end of their childhood.

I know that this little story does not help you, but I want to help bolster your feelings that when you have children, they will be so important to you that your career may come in a distant second place. I feel horrible for you ladies who have to make such difficult choices, knowing that delaying childbearing may mean no childbearing at all or fertility treatments, but that having children young may mean delaying or leaving a career. In the end, if I never have a career at all but I stayed with my children I will feel that that would be, by far, the better choice.

Medicine is especially difficult because, in order to pursue it, you are probably staring a huge amount of debt in the face and who can afford to walk away from a career when you are saddled with THAT? In the end, you may have to get creative, like having the Daddy or grandparents or even a nanny incredibly involved in order to fill the gap, but the sad truth of the matter is that they are not YOU and that children grow quickly and that time cannot be recovered.

I am not, in any way, trying to be discouraging. I just want to say that it is a fallacy, a cruel fallacy, that a woman can "have it all."

Not a fallacy. It's been done. You should meet my mother.

Not all women can "have it all", but that doesn't mean some women can't succeed in having both a fulfilling, fulltime career and be a good mother. My grandmother, my aunties and my mother all worked fulltime while raising children who became responsible adults. It's a fallacy to assume that no one can have a successful job and a successful family simply because some people have chosen to focus on one or the other.

Perhaps it's a cultural thing, but being raised by dad or grandparents is considered just as good as being around mom in my family. Besides, if my mom had not worked, my dad would have had to double time on the workload and I would not get to see my father at all. Time with dad is just as important as time with mom and to have one person working long hours so the other can stay home is, IMHO, is also depriving the child.

To the OP, this isn't something people here on really answer for you. But I think you need to figure out what you're comfort levels are and go for it. Would you feel comfortable working fulltime with young children? This is real possibility for you as a future doctor. Would you feel comfortable with a nanny/housekeeper? I know quite a doctors here on campus from duel income families who have a nanny/housekeeper (so far, no one's child has turned into an axe-murderer but time will tell ). Would your boyfriend feel alright about shouldering half or more of the household chores? Or being the primary caretaker even?

 

[DMBAND]

Thank you to all this is just really difficult. As for my opinion on daycare that comes from years of lifeguarding at a pool that had many of the town's daycares come in on a daily basis and I saw the "wonderful" people watching children of all ages and let me tell you, I'd rather give a limb than have them watch my kids from the things I saw/heard. The other problem with the balancing is my boyfriend is going to dental school which means that financially it's not really an issue but that doesn't make it any easier because the immense division of responsibilities in general would still be difficult. I think I would like being a social worker that basically has a small office and clients to meet with periodically similarly to a psychologist. (That, at least, I know can be done.) But who knows because for all I know I'll have kids and just not want to leave them ever but I can't see that sitting well with me having gone through the years and stress of med school.

 

[GreenShirt]

Does anyone watch Dr. 90210? One of the physicians on the show Dr. Li (a plastic surgeon) and her husband (anesthesiologist) had a baby last season. They built a nursery in their clinic and just take the baby to work with them. If you have your own practice, it's a possibility to throw out there.

 

[Stray]

I would remind you that being a social worker can be a very draining profession and I am not sure you should consider this as an alternative "easier" profession.

I would completely agree with this. I'm a social work major right now. I worked in the field for several years before I started the program. People always think social work = easy, but it is simply not true. The field of social work has one of the highest rates of burnout of any field. Secondary trauma is a huge issue, especially depending on what avenue of social work you choose to go into... Keep in mind that that can spill over into your home life. Social workers also make close to nothing as far as money goes. Almost every one of my co-workers qualifies to be on welfare. Most people have to work two jobs just to make ends meet, and the ones that are salaried workers ALWAYS work more than 40 hours a week. I don't believe money should be a deciding factor for going into any career, but I just bring it up to show you that you will probably be working close to the same hours as a doctor, yet be making jacksh*t. Also, I wouldn't count on the training to be easy either. The social work major is a competitive major at my school. I'm a junior (which means first year in social work program) and many of my classmates have already dropped out because they were failing classes in the program. Also keep in mind that you would have to do a practicum (internship) in both undergrad and grad. Most practicums are unpaid, but you are working part-time hours.... so if you have to do that in addition to working to support yourself/family and going to classes, etc, it can be difficult. I'm not trying to discourage you from going into social work, it's a great field... BUT it's NOT for everyone! If you go into it, make sure it's what you want and that it's for the right reasons (for the sake of you and your future clients). Good luck in whatever you choose .

 

[NonTradMed]

I would completely agree with this. I'm a social work major right now. I worked in the field for several years before I started the program. People always think social work = easy, but it is simply not true. The field of social work has one of the highest rates of burnout of any field.

I think the appeal of social work for many girls is that it's a caring profession. A good friend did just that after she decided against both medicine and psychology. She thought it would offer her the emotional rewards of both fields without the long years of graduate education, and that it was a 9-5 job. She found out (too late) that the work was emotional draining and the hours can be long.

 

[cleothecat]

My wife is a physician, and works 3/4 time, took maternity leave in pregnancy and had a part-time residency.

her patients, kids, and husband love her and she would have no second thought of doing it again.

My sister is finishing a part-time family practice residency. Sure it takes time. But she says the 3 kids shae had during residency is worth it.

For a female who "wants it all", medicine has enough job options to make it happen.

At the end of the day, your sense of "life balance" comes down to the opportunity cost of having kids. They cost money to raise, and to do it right at least one spouse may have to forego significant income.
Do not blame hard choices on kids or medicine. Blame it on materialism.

 

[lilnoelle]

I feel like I should have something to offer, as a med student with two young ones. I'm not sure what advice to give. There truly is not a perfect time to have children. I will say that having children while in med school can be pretty exhausting and it will probably only get worse in third year. Then again, I had mine young, and my daughter is getting to the point where she can dress herself and my son can probably be pottytrained this summer. Its getting easier as the year goes by and believe it or not, I've been thinking about having another one. If I were to get pregnant soon, I'd have the baby during second year. If I wait, unless I want to take some time off between school and residency, I better figure on waiting till residency is done.
My kids are in daycare. Unless you have family around or have a med school that is extremely flexible, I don't see any way around having some form of daycare while you are in school or residency. If your young, and you truly don't want to have daycare, and your hubby (boyfriend now) is a dentist, then go to med school and residency, once finished, have your kids, when your oldest is 18 months old or so take off until your ready to come back again. I feel more guilty about having my daughter (3 1/2) in daycare than my son (18 months). A baby just needs to have its needs met in its first year or so and it doesn't matter who does it. As your child ages, who is taking care of them becomes more important.

 

[pingouin]

Thank you to all this is just really difficult. As for my opinion on daycare that comes from years of lifeguarding at a pool that had many of the town's daycares come in on a daily basis and I saw the "wonderful" people watching children of all ages and let me tell you, I'd rather give a limb than have them watch my kids from the things I saw/heard. The other problem with the balancing is my boyfriend is going to dental school which means that financially it's not really an issue but that doesn't make it any easier because the immense division of responsibilities in general would still be difficult. I think I would like being a social worker that basically has a small office and clients to meet with periodically similarly to a psychologist. (That, at least, I know can be done.) But who knows because for all I know I'll have kids and just not want to leave them ever but I can't see that sitting well with me having gone through the years and stress of med school.

It can be done (and I know because I'm doing it), but I would caution you about underestimating the amount of work that it takes to get to the point where you can have a successful practice. After finishing school, in order to accomplish what you mention, you need to get licensed (2 years minimum, if working full-time), and then you need to have built enough networking contacts in order to get referrals which will sustain the practice and make it profitable. This takes time and a lot of effort.

I love what I do, and I'm glad that I'm doing it, but it is NOT an "easy way out". Only do it if you feel in your heart that you have no other choice. Kind of like medicine.....

 

[DMBAND]

I honestly feel like I have 2 months to make this decision if I'm going to reject an acceptance or if I don't even get in I need to re-take the MCAT soon and start reapplying. I was talking to a friend of mine who's a first year and she said she just might end up quitting when she has kids but knows she loves it now. I just can't see quitting after all the time and effort to get to that point.

 

[SunshineNYC]

I work with a whole office of social workers and I have no idea how they'd ever fit a child into their schedule (none of them have children either). They are ALWAYS working overtime and are stressed out and have WAY too many cases constantly. It is NOT an easier road by any means.

I was a child that grew up in daycare and with a babysitter, and I think that it made me learn to share and cooperate and be independent. I really think it was good for me, but to each his own. Children are very resilient and good kids grow up in day care as well as with stay-at-home moms and bad kids grow up in day care as well as with stay-at-home moms, so there's not formula for these things.

However, if staying at home is really important to you and you'd feel like a failure or like you were missing out if you didn't stay at home, then think about a career other than medicine. Seriously. Have you given any thought to being a nurse practitioner, a PA, a part-time RN, a dietician, a physical therapist, or a different type of therapist? A friend of mine's mother was a dietician and she had her own office in the hospital and helped counsel kidney patients who were on dialysis. It was very medical in nature, but she still had plenty of time to give to her children. Granted, you won't be making much money, but you said it wasn't about the money for you anyway. Just think of other options besides medicine. Contrary to belief, there is no such thing as "supermom" and something always suffers. If you want to be the outstanding mom that gives her children all the time they require, then you need to cut out the time-consuming, taxing career. Go for a similar or related career, but one that is less demanding of your time. Compromise.

 

[goosie]

Hi, facing a similar situation here. My SO is currently pre-med as well, and we're both looking to enroll in 2008. While we haven't explicitly had the baby/children conversation yet, we have both expressed interest in having children together sometime in the future. I know that it is possible to have two MD's and still have a family, but I know that I will be one of those moms who needs to work part time. This has made me look long and hard at Nurse Practitioning- less time to get the degree, decent pay, and the ability to work part time, or even take a few years off while the kids are young. Of course the downside is that I'll never be a patient's Doctor- at some level, I'll always have to have someone sign off on whatever I'm doing.

I think the best thing to do is to talk with as many people as possible- you'll get a decent sense of what your options truly are. But, the bottom line is no one will be able to make this decision for me or you, and whatever career path ultimately chosen will involve sacrifice. But keep your head up- mommd is a great resource and there are plenty of people on SDN going through the same thing!

 

[DMBAND]

Thanks that definitely helps and I've been spending a lot of time on MOMMD.com too. What doesn't help is having my SO tell me he wants his kids to have the mom there 24/7 'cause that's how he was raised, I'm not sensing much compromise there even when it comes to additional help (ie nanny, fam member, who knows...) But in all honesty that's an issue regardless of the career I choose. Ugh, seriously, good luck to all of you dealing with this too!

 

[Doc Martins]

Thanks that definitely helps and I've been spending a lot of time on MOMMD.com too. What doesn't help is having my SO tell me he wants his kids to have the mom there 24/7 'cause that's how he was raised, I'm not sensing much compromise there even when it comes to additional help (ie nanny, fam member, who knows...) But in all honesty that's an issue regardless of the career I choose. Ugh, seriously, good luck to all of you dealing with this too!

That's not fair of him to say that to you! It sucks to be put into a situation like this. My husband-to-be wants kids so badly (he's 30 as of today, I'm 24) and I am clueless as to when I'm going to accomplish this given that I'm starting med school in August. He hasn't been pressuring me (lately), but I know he's always thinking about it.

Sorry that I don't have much to add, but I feel your pain!

 

[NonTradMed]

Thanks that definitely helps and I've been spending a lot of time on MOMMD.com too. What doesn't help is having my SO tell me he wants his kids to have the mom there 24/7 'cause that's how he was raised, I'm not sensing much compromise there even when it comes to additional help (ie nanny, fam member, who knows...) But in all honesty that's an issue regardless of the career I choose. Ugh, seriously, good luck to all of you dealing with this too!

Sounds to me like you guys need to have a serious talk about how you will go about this parenting business. If you two can't see eye to eye about this right now, it's only going to get worse once the kids start coming and he feels resentment because you work while you feel frustrated that he isn't around to help. I suggest you sit him down and ask him how much he's willing to put into being a father and explain to him your dilemma and see if you two can't find a middle ground.

 

[DMBAND]

If it were only that easy...he doesn't want to talk about it now, which I can't say I blame him because we're only 23, but I don't have much of a choice in thinking about it being a woman. Yet at the same time he doesn't have a problem being stubbborn about it.

 

[grinchick5]

My wife is a physician, and works 3/4 time, took maternity leave in pregnancy and had a part-time residency.

A part time residency? I didn't know such things existed. Can you elaborate? Pretty please.

 

[gujuDoc]

If it were only that easy...he doesn't want to talk about it now, which I can't say I blame him because we're only 23, but I don't have much of a choice in thinking about it being a woman. Yet at the same time he doesn't have a problem being stubbborn about it.

Take no offense to what I'm about to say now, but.......

While I would never use these words when similar threads about bf issues come up, I say "DUMP HIM" if he is unwilling to communicate. The basis of a good relationship is one in which communication is equal on both sides and if the communication is barred for something so simple as that which you are facing now it will only be bound to get worse down the road.

 

[grinchick5]

If it were only that easy...he doesn't want to talk about it now, which I can't say I blame him because we're only 23, but I don't have much of a choice in thinking about it being a woman. Yet at the same time he doesn't have a problem being stubbborn about it.

When does he want to talk about it?!?!? What’s the appropriate age, 25, 27? If you seriously believe you have a future with this man, this is an issue that you must resolve...the sooner, the better.

I'm about your age. My husband is in law school and I'll be starting med school in the fall. We both want a career and we both want kids. Before we were married (or even engaged), we discussed on numerous occasions how we might balance work and family. FWIW, we were both < 23 years when we had these conversations.

I'm trying to resist the urge to lecture, but if you see yourself having children with this man, the terms on which you'll have them and raise them MUST be open to discussion. If he's not willing to talk...you've got a problem.

 

[aspirationMD]

Again, I think it's obvious that it can be done. Someone mentioned that they couldn't imagine leaving their dreams behind. I think it's a larger picture here and you have to take into consideration that this is something you really want. I know if I gave up my dream to become an MD, that it would certainly effect my parenting. Your happiness does indeed effect your offspring

 

[DMBAND]

Again thanks, I hear you all and I know you're right hopefully he'll come around a bit too. I just have to do a lot of thinking about how I would feel if I really didn't do this and focused more on having children. My ultimate goal is to be an excellent mother and I know I wouldn't be if I were giving up a dream and that's definitely NOT a "value" I want to instill in my children.

 

[grinchick5]

Oh, yeah, and since your neither married nor engaged, it might not be the best idea to allow your current relationship to dictate your career plans. I’m not saying you two don’t have a future, but many long term committed relationships dissolve (not that marriage will save you, but at least if you’re married you have some time of legal/spiritual/moral/religious commitment). I think you need do some soul searching. What career path would you choose if your relationship weren’t a factor? You were obviously committed enough to medicine to go through the application process (no easy task).

I don’t want to wait until I’m 40 to have kids either, but my career aspirations were around long before my husband. He knew that if he wasn’t prepared to support me in my education and career, it wasn’t even worth us starting a relationship. I’m willing to modify my life plan (work part time, avoid surgical specialties, etc), but I’m sure as hell not willing to spend my life wondering “what if.” What if I actually went to medical school like I always wanted to….?

Ok, I’m done now.
I hope that wasn’t too harsh. I know these are difficult decisions, but it does sound like you have a little thinking to do.

 

[DMBAND]

Thanks I definitely agree and I've also said I'd be willing to compromise whether it means part-time working, avoiding certain specialties, and even finding out about the part-time residency (even though it can add a year or two). I'm doing a ton of soul searching trust me...and as for harsh, I could use "harsh" and "blunt" right now!

 

[juleswinfield]

I honestly feel like I have 2 months to make this decision if I'm going to reject an acceptance or if I don't even get in I need to re-take the MCAT soon and start reapplying. I was talking to a friend of mine who's a first year and she said she just might end up quitting when she has kids but knows she loves it now. I just can't see quitting after all the time and effort to get to that point.

OK....Let me say this up front - I'm going to make some people mad.

How can anyone say that women don't or can't have it all? Women can do whatever they want (career, professional school, etc) until it becomes inconvenient and then they can pull the ripcord on their golden parachute and leave it all to have kids. As a guy, there's no way I could get away with that. I mean, a) I have no uterus, and b) who would support me as I sit home and nurture?

And as for that part time residency that was mentioned, how did the other residents at the hospital feel about it? Did they have to cover Q4 while the mommy was out on maternity leave? If you want to say I'm jealous, then yes, I am. I want an out like this too.

What's lacking in this discussion is a little reality. If you go to med school and you're not planning on seeing it through, I don't think you should go. This's just my opinion but your taking a spot from someone who would possibly cut their arm off to get in and stay in. And what happens to all of the debt you accrue?

And then to the OP's original question...should she follow the career path she's wanted for a good long while or choose a career that she knows nothing about except that the hours might be pretty good to 1) hypothetically have kids with a guy to whom she's hypothetically going to marry and 2) be at home with these kids resenting her husband for making her choose kids over career and wonder what might have been for the next 20 years? I think your choice is pretty clear...

I work at a job with great hours, benefits, and salary but I'm giving it all up to pursue medicine. If medicine is your dream, follow it. If kids are your dream, follow it. Just don't sell yourself short because some guy thinks you should be home 24-7 with the kids. You might wake up one day and dump his sorry butt and then what will you have? Why can't he take care of the kids? Dentistry is the ideal home practice. There are other options besides derailing your dream of being a doctor.

 

[DMBAND]

It's true but I also don't want to be giving the impression that I would/wouldn't do this ONLY because of my SO. You're right I'd never be able to live with myself but it's just hard taking all of these issues into consideration at once especially being with someone I love and praying, in the end, I've made the right choice. As for the dentistry part, I'm 99.9% positive he wouldn't do that and just to see the otherside of things I asked him why he couldn't work part time and I be the one working full time (not that that's what I really want but just to get a little perspective) and after a little persistance he said because the mom is the one who should be there more often to make the connection with the child and his dad was the one working so that's what he wants and are his "values" I guess you could say about this. And I feel like this is about to upset a few ppl so for that I apologize ahead of time!

 

[mshheaddoc]

If this is what you want to do. Take the acceptance and have faith. You might see a future and things might not work out and you'll be regretting it. (Been there and done that, trust me, it sucks). If he doesn't respect you enough to "allow" you for a career, then I'd rethink my relationship for him to be so demanding on you. Just my $.02 though.

Go to medical school, be a doctor, then work part-time if you'd like. I know a few students who have that plan. But don't let anyone dictate your future. Even your husband. I know a few divorces that happened over issues like this. I plan on screening nannies to help us out when that time comes. I don't like daycare (like yourself) when they are young but when they get to be pre-school age, they need to be socialized (even with nannies!).

 

[DMBAND]

Yeah I mean don't get me wrong he's a great loving person and not that demanding about it he just wants me home with kids until they're at least 5 and off to school. But taking that into consideration with the fact that I want more than one child I'd either be putting off being a doctor or finishing the schooling until I was in my late 30s and that's a little ridiculous to me. I'd be putting off any career basically medicine or no medicine I just really don't know what I as an individual want to do not as a half of a relationship.

 

[Cirrus83]

I don't really see how being a social worker would mean you don't need daycare...it's not like social workers get to stay home all day

Anyways if you push the timeline out a little bit till after you're finished with residency (which could actually be before 30 if you go straight through and just do an IM residency), you could probably be home quite a few days of the week if you simply choose not to work that many days, and if your boyfriend could do something similar with his schedule it might be feasible that one of you is always around. My mother actually knows a doctor couple who does this (and their kids are already older, but there's always one of them around to take the kids to school, pick them up, take them to whatever after school stuff, etc), so it's doable, if not very lucrative.

But yeah, if your boyfriend wants a career where he can't be home very much, and he's basically just asking you to stay at home all the time, that's a whole other story.

 

[Cirrus83]

Yeah I mean don't get me wrong he's a great loving person and not that demanding about it he just wants me home with kids until they're at least 5 and off to school. But taking that into consideration with the fact that I want more than one child I'd either be putting off being a doctor or finishing the schooling until I was in my late 30s and that's a little ridiculous to me. I'd be putting off any career basically medicine or no medicine I just really don't know what I as an individual want to do not as a half of a relationship.

Ah I didn't see this post yet when I was typing up my reply...well quite frankly it sounds like he wants you to make all the career sacrifices, without him pitching in anything...and quite frankly that sounds like bullcrap to me. There's no reason why his career should be more important than yours, and for that matter no reason why he shouldn't want to be with his kids too.

Seriously if he insists on only raising his kids exactly the way he was raised...well I guess he'll need a time machine.

 

[DMBAND]

Ok ok thank you very much to all but seriously I would NEVER let him and what he wants determine whether or not I end up going to med school. I'm the one who lives with myself ultimately 24/7 and couldn't live with myself if I let someone else dictate what I could and could not do. My SO was only a piece of the puzzle yet it's being focused on entirely which I can kind of understand, but I'm also trying to justify to myself not being home when my children are young 24/7. I like that idea too but I also know I am too driven/strong/whatever you want to call it to be completely satsified as a SAHM and want to find a way to balance everything.

 

[sunnyjohn]

...he want his kids to have a mom there 24/7..
They will. You don't stop being a good mom (or DAD) just because you punch a time clock.

..he doesn't want to talk about it...
I can give anyone the benefit of the doubt, but this is bad. A refusal to communicate is a bad sign.

I agree with Mushy. Take the acceptance and go on to school. Things have a way of working out for our good.

As a 34 y.o. with no kids and who wants them, I decided to 'take my hand of the button' and let it happen.

 

[oxeye]

WTF does this mean??? Only 23? You're still an adult, and there are MANY women at age 23 that have children. And why don't you have much of a choice in thinking about it "being a woman?"

Yup! I had my first at 23.

I'm skimmed through the responses but don't have enough time to read all of them.

I wanted to mention to the OP that you may feel completely differently about staying at home vs. working once you actually have children. I'm a non-trad mainly because I didn't think I could be a physician and parent my kids the way that I wanted to. So I decided kids were more important than the career I wanted. I graduated, got pregnant, and was completely determined to be a stay-at-home mom because that's why my mom did and it was great for me.

Well, let's just say that things changed. I realized I wasn't cut out to be a stay-at-home mom just a few months into it. I love my daughters but I don't feel anymore that staying at home is the best option for us. It's not at all the way I imagined it would be. Before I had kids I was VERY negative towards daycare, but realize now (like Megboo said I think) that these people are very very qualified to take care of young children (IMO, probably moreso than a lot of parents).

So just keep in mind - things can change. I've also known women who were 100% career driven until they had kids but then quit everything to stay at home with their children and are completely happy now. It goes both ways. Just don't expect that things will be the way you imagine they will be.

 

[NonTradMed]

Ok ok thank you very much to all but seriously I would NEVER let him and what he wants determine whether or not I end up going to med school. I'm the one who lives with myself ultimately 24/7 and couldn't live with myself if I let someone else dictate what I could and could not do. My SO was only a piece of the puzzle yet it's being focused on entirely which I can kind of understand, but I'm also trying to justify to myself not being home when my children are young 24/7. I like that idea too but I also know I am too driven/strong/whatever you want to call it to be completely satsified as a SAHM and want to find a way to balance everything.

I should mention that med school gals are typically a bit more work oriented than the average Jane. Most people who start med school plan on using their degree at some point. You may want to also share your situation with people who are more traditional minded to get a different perspective.

As it stands, your posts do make your boyfriend sound like a douche (sorry! ). At this point in your relationship, children is a real issue that needs to be addressed if you want a successful medical career. It sounds like your boyfriend is either:

1. Not concerned about the whole kids issue, perhaps thinking it's either a faraway issue and/or a 'girl issue' and is just telling you how he wants to replicate his home life without putting too much thought into it.

OR

2. Wants very badly to replicate the breadwinner/homemaker model and doesn't realize the sacrifices you would have to make in order to fulfill his ideals.

So your job should be to sit down with him, and tell him what you think. How you do not want to be a fulltime SAHM for so long, how you want to continue to have a career as a doctor after the kids. Also, you need to tell him that this is important to you, and that he needs to compromise just as much as you seem willing to compromise.

Also, you need to be practical. Med school will leave you with huge loans that need to be repaid. It sounds like your boyfriend may not have thought this out if he assumed you could drop your expensive career to care for the kids. Is he going to pick up the slack of your debt as well as his? Two doctoral programs will cost something close to $300k (!!).

It's never too early to speak of these things. If the SAHM thing is your boyfriend's 'values' and you disagree---then you two disagree about a very fundamental value and the arrangement may need some tweaking.

 

[Pemberley]

I... want to find a way to balance everything.

The question of whether women can "have it all" is often hotly debated without first establishing what is really meant by the question.

It sounds like both you & your bf currently want a parent in the home, but don't want to be that parent. To do you justice, your "how do I work this out?" approach is much better than his "well, she'll just have to make all the sacrifices."

But in the end, if "having it all" is defined as having a stay-at-home parent without either being one or marrying one... you may have some trouble with that.

So either be unhappy, or adjust your expectations. Make "having it all" a healthy family and a productive field of endeavor outside the home. Then cut away the trimmings. You could

• re-evaluate childcare options. You will find people raised by SAHMs that wish they weren't, and people raised in daycare who did just fine. The way he grew up with isn't the only way.
• give up your current SO.
• give up your medical education -- but if the man hasn't proposed, and no buns are in the oven, cutting off your options now isn't a very good bet. Especially with this one, not even willing to talk about the sacrifices that may have to be made.
• give up a little of all of it. Medical education first, children when older, part-time residency or part-time job. Or children first, medical education when they hit school.

None of us can tell you how you'll be happiest. But (contradicting myself only slightly) a lot of women will warn you not to sacrifice your prospects now for this guy!

 

[DMBAND]

I hear ya. I think I'm going to keep with the med school track for now because I really think I'd regret turning down an acceptance. As for my SO, who knows...

 

[sendwich]

...he want his kids to have a mom there 24/7

..he doesn't want to talk about it...

sorry, but where's the "two way street" here? he needs to be willing to talk through this these issues, seeing his "wants" are go against what may be good for YOU.

 

[sendwich]

I hear ya. I think I'm going to keep with the med school track for now because I really think I'd regret turning down an acceptance. As for my SO, who knows...

you go, girl!!

 

[ExtremeUnderdog]

.