Pornography in a Marriage

Discussion in 'Spouses and Partners' started by socrates Jr., May 8, 2002.

  1. socrates Jr.

    socrates Jr. Junior Member

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    Do you guys feel that the continual viewing of pornography by a married person when they know that thir spouse is uncomfortable with it is "cheating"? What if they are purposely trying to hide it and act as if they are highly moralistic? Could it lead to something worse like "cybersex" or prostitutes?
     
  2. scamp

    scamp Member
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    personally I think that it is very disrespectful to one's spouse and one's marriage to view pornography "continually." especially if your partner has voiced their concern. that sexual energy should be going to the person you love, and that attention into your marriage- not some bimbos on a computer!
     
  3. Blitzkrieg

    Blitzkrieg 1K Member
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    porno will do one thing to a marriage: destroy it.

    Porno leads to VERY bad things..heck, porno is bad itself.

    Seek counseling. STAT.

    my 2 cents.
     
  4. Mr. happy clown guy

    Mr. happy clown guy Senior Member
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    It will likely lead to blindness and hairy palms if you are not careful.

    Jesus hates masturbators.
     
  5. jdaasbo

    jdaasbo Senior Member
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    Hell certainly awaits!
     
  6. shurale

    shurale Junior Member

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    Blitzkrieg, i am disagree. Pornography can not destroy marrage. Masturbation either. They can save marriage. Males tend to 'cover' as many females as possible. It is not always possible. So, if you want to preserve your marriage, avoid AIDS and preserve your masculinity you go to pornography and masturbation. that's it.
     
  7. X-tremist

    X-tremist Member
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    I agree with shurale. For obvious reasons, pornography and masturbation are better than prostitution and multiple sexual partners. Maybe the spouse does not satisfy the needs of the individual whom Socrates was referring to!! There is nothing wrong in watching porno. Bottomline, if someone can show it, you can watch it!!!!!!
     
  8. Robert Smith

    Robert Smith grumpy
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    </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by socrates Jr.:
    <strong>Do you guys feel that the continual viewing of pornography by a married person when they know that thir spouse is uncomfortable with it is "cheating"? What if they are purposely trying to hide it and act as if they are highly moralistic? Could it lead to something worse like "cybersex" or prostitutes?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Answer to first question: Yes
    Why? Because "cheating" is, by definition, doing something that breaks others' trust in you. In this case the "other" is the spouse. If your spouse feels that you are breaking a vow of trust by fantasizing about having sex with others or desiring to have sex with others then that counts as cheating.

    Answer to second question: If someone is attempting to hide their behavior then it follows that certain someone has a reason to hide it - ie that person either feels what they are doing is wrong or feels that what they are doing may hurt someone. I can only assume what you mean by "moralistic". If you mean to say that they openly say viewing pornography is harmful to a marriage, yet they are doing precisely that act in secret, then that individual is a hypocrite.

    Answer to third question: If someone is willing to break the trust of their spouse in one sexual matter what is to prevent them from doing other things? If one believes that viewing pornography is as harmful as, say smoking cigarettes (ie addictive and can do harm cumulatively - see studies linking rape with pornography) then it is possible to "move onto" more "active" stimuli should the person become less sensitive to the "high" they receive from the original behavior.

    Actions originate with thoughts.
     
  9. OldManDave

    OldManDave Fossil Bouncer Emeritus
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    Like all other elements in a marriage/long term relationship, the presence or absence of "visually stimulating: materials are the mutual decision of both parties. The critical pillars of any relationship are: honesty, communication, trust & respect. Without these...the relationship is doomed to fail. If, in the context of the relationship, there can be found a "place" for sexually oriented/graphic publications or films, then that is the providence of the couple and is no one's business outside of said relationship.

    All this hogwash about porno causing everything from fuzzy palms to acne to blindness to rapists to ax-weilding mass-murderers is unsubstnatiable and literally merely biased propaganda disseminated by folks who wish to impose their particular "brand" of morality upon everyone else.

    There are more than a sufficient number of problems facing our world than to dwell on the impact of "porn". Let us learn to cope with those and learn how to get along as citizens of a world that is becoming frighteningly smaller by the day and then we can fret over the insignificant stuff.
     
  10. Robert Smith

    Robert Smith grumpy
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    Interesting opinion, Dave. However, my opinion is substantiated by what little research has been done on the effects of pornography on the individual and society:

    One study points out that pornography may have a direct relationship to sex crimes. In the study, 87 percent of convicted molesters of girls and 77 percent of convicted molesters of boys admit to the use of pornography, most often in commission of their crimes. See William Marshall, ?A Report of the Use of Pornography by Sexual Offenders,? 1983, Ottawa, Canada.

    The 1986 Attorney General's Commission on Pornography concluded that "substantial exposure to sexually violent materials bears a causal relationship to antisocial acts of sexual violence and, for some subgroups, possibly to unlawful acts of sexual violence."
    -Final Report of the Commission On Pornography, 1986, p. 42.

    Since 1984, over 150 sex-oriented businesses (peep shows, massage parlors, bookstores, theaters, etc.) have been closed in Oklahoma City. During that period, the rape rate in the county decreased 25%. During the same period, rape increased 20% throughout the rest of the state.
    -Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation, Rape Statistics - Oklahoma City vs. Balance of Oklahoma, 1983-1988.

    Other studies find that exposure to pornography can lead to increased use of coercion or rape (see Edward Donnerstein, "Pornography: Its Effects on Violence Against Women," in Malamuth and Donnerstein, eds., Pornography and Sexual Aggression (New York: Academic Press, 1984).


    James Check from York University in Canada conducted an experiment in an attempt to isolate the role of violence as distinct from sex in pornography-induced situations. In the experiment, men were exposed to different degrees of pornography, some violent, some not. All groups exhibited the same shift in attitude, namely a higher inclination to use forse as part of sex. (see James Check, "The Effects of Violent and Nonviolent Pornography," Department of Justice, Ottawa, Canada, submitted June 1984).

    In one study, researchers Dolf Zillman and Jennings Bryant investigated the effects of nonviolent pornography on sexual callousness and the trivialization of rape. They showed that continued exposure to pornography had serious adverse effects on beliefs about sexuality in general and on attitudes toward women in particular. They also found that pornography desensitizes people to rape as a criminal offense. (see Dolf Zillman and Jennings Bryant, "Pornography, Sexual Callousness, and the Trivialization of Rape," Journal of Communication, 32 (1982): 10 21).

    In a nationwide study, University of New Hampshire researchers Larry Baron and Murray Strauss found a strong statistical correlation between circulation rates of pornographic magazines and rape rates.(see Larry Baron and Murray Strauss, "Legitimate Violence and Rape: A Test of the Cultural Spillover Theory," Social Problems 34 (December 1985).

    Also see Joseph Scott and Loretta Schwalm, "Rape Rates and the Circulation Rates of Adult Magazines," Journal of Sex Research, 24 (1988): 240-50.

    Obviously viewing pornography does not make one a rapist, but it can have the side affect of desensitizing one to rape and there are very strong correlations between rape statistics and pornography in various forms.

    One other note (still on the subject of pornography in marriage but not on the rape stats):
    One study demonstrated that pornography can diminish a person's sexual happiness. The researchers found that people exposed to nonviolent pornography reported diminished satisfaction with their sexual partner's physical appearance, affection, curiosity, and sexual performance. They were also more inclined to put more importance on sex without emotional involvement.(see Dolf Zillman and Jennings Bryant, "Pornography, Sexual Callousness, and the Trivialization of Rape," Journal of Communications 32(1982): 15).

    It's not terribly "PC" to point out the problems with pornography, but these are troubling findings that cannot be brushed aside flippantly.
     
  11. shurale

    shurale Junior Member

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    Guys, you can find tons of studies about porn and crime etc. I even saw a study about England;during medical strike mortality went down. So what? Pornography is forever, like prostitution.It is impossible to stop it. I think it is not nessesary to stop it, especially now, during the age of AIDS. pornography is not evil like church or feminists try to tell us.Pornography is a fairy tales for adults, it's a medicine for young boys and handicaped, for men, drowned in unhappy marriages. Who usually tell us that porn is bad? Religious leaders-ha-ha give us a break!All this bull**** about christian(muslim,jewish etc)morality are just for making church profit.nobody follow it and everybody knows it.first of all priests themselves. I read an interview with somebody and he was asked-What would Jesus do if he come to the Earth now?the answer was cool-Jesus would say-Damn, my theory doesn't work!I'm going back to the sky.
    Feminists told the porn is women's exploitation.really? I don't think so.Men in porn work even harder.Both are voluntary joined the business.is it exploitation?
    I see the problem like-it is nessesary to support pornography. It will make people happier. I believe that porn can diminish sex crime because provides some relief. Porn for residents is a savior-it takes less time to watch porn instead of dating sluts in bars.:)or sleep with nurses during night calls. I am for porn.
     
  12. Robert Smith

    Robert Smith grumpy
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    Ummm, well, actually, like I said before, interesting opinion (and way to go on the religion-bashing btw - you are a really open-minded individual) but current research doesn't support your beliefs. :D
     
  13. Robert Smith

    Robert Smith grumpy
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    </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Robert Smith:
    <strong>Ummm, well, actually, like I said before, interesting opinion (and way to go on the religion-bashing btw - you are a really open-minded individual) but current research doesn't support your beliefs. :D </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">And, as for your hypothesis that pornography is actually a cure-all for male problems in marriage let me re-iterate from my previous post:

    One study demonstrated that pornography can diminish a person's sexual happiness. The researchers found that people exposed to nonviolent pornography reported diminished satisfaction with their sexual partner's physical appearance, affection, curiosity, and sexual performance. They were also more inclined to put more importance on sex without emotional involvement.(see Dolf Zillman and Jennings Bryant, "Pornography, Sexual Callousness, and the Trivialization of Rape," Journal of Communications 32(1982): 15).

    <img border="0" alt="[Laughy]" title="" src="graemlins/laughy.gif" /> I quoted myself <img border="0" alt="[Laughy]" title="" src="graemlins/laughy.gif" />
     
  14. shurale

    shurale Junior Member

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    Well, thanx for the info about studies about porn. I just posted my own opinion. Also, I didn't say that porn is a magic cure for all problems in marriage. But it could be a very good happy drug, like Zoloft for example.
    I think we have to be simpler:we are driven by basic instincts-food,sleep,sex etc.Everything else you know from Freud, right?
    Therefore nothing is bad in pornography. It is the best sublimation ever!
    Some heroic pretty members of youth sacrified their privacy to entrntain and save millions of people! Sounds cool,hah? :)
    I believe all studies you quoted but can not believe those guys who say porn is bad or they never watch it. it like our psychiatry professor told-97% of men masturbate.3% lie they don't.
     
  15. Robert Smith

    Robert Smith grumpy
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    </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by shurale:
    <strong>Well, thanx for the info about studies about porn. I just posted my own opinion. Also, I didn't say that porn is a magic cure for all problems in marriage. But it could be a very good happy drug, like Zoloft for example.
    I think we have to be simpler:we are driven by basic instincts-food,sleep,sex etc.Everything else you know from Freud, right?
    Therefore nothing is bad in pornography. It is the best sublimation ever!
    Some heroic pretty members of youth sacrified their privacy to entrntain and save millions of people! Sounds cool,hah? :)
    I believe all studies you quoted but can not believe those guys who say porn is bad or they never watch it. it like our psychiatry professor told-97% of men masturbate.3% lie they don't.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"><img border="0" alt="[Laughy]" title="" src="graemlins/laughy.gif" /> Well, your psychiatry professor was certainly enjoying making things up! <img border="0" alt="[Laughy]" title="" src="graemlins/laughy.gif" /> Seriously, you do realize that there have been advances in the world of psychology since Freud? Maybe you should play devil's advocate with your psych prof and call him on his little improvisation of a study? <img border="0" alt="[Laughy]" title="" src="graemlins/laughy.gif" /> Like they say: "Those that can - do. Those that can't - teach." Sounds a bit like your prof there, buddy.
     
  16. shurale

    shurale Junior Member

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    :confused:
    there are bsic theories that last for a very very long time. Like laws of physics atc. Freud 's theory is like that.It still works.
     
  17. OldManDave

    OldManDave Fossil Bouncer Emeritus
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    <strong>One study points out that pornography may have a direct relationship to sex crimes. In the study, 87 percent of convicted molesters of girls and 77 percent of convicted molesters of boys admit to the use of pornography, most often in commission of their crimes. See William Marshall, ?A Report of the Use of Pornography by Sexual Offenders,? 1983, Ottawa, Canada.

    Also see Joseph Scott and Loretta Schwalm, "Rape Rates and the Circulation Rates of Adult Magazines," Journal of Sex Research, 24 (1988): 240-50.

    Obviously viewing pornography does not make one a rapist, but it can have the side affect of desensitizing one to rape and there are very strong correlations between rape statistics and pornography in various forms.

    In a nationwide study, University of New Hampshire researchers Larry Baron and Murray Strauss found a strong statistical correlation between circulation rates of pornographic magazines and rape rates.(see Larry Baron and Murray Strauss, "Legitimate Violence and Rape: A Test of the Cultural Spillover Theory," Social Problems 34 (December 1985).</strong>

    Any researcher should know one of the most basic premises of statistics & research is that a high correlation does NOT imply causality. By studying only the perpetrators of these "sex crimes" and seeing a high correlation &lt;or a "statistical correlation"&gt; with porn use -- the alleged researcher has chosen to omit that he/she does not address how this usage rate compares to that seen w/i the general population. Unless there is a documentable, statistically significant difference b/t them, while simultaneously controlling for confounding variables such as "social stigmatization" for admitting to using porno - then there in no merit to the conclusion they have drawn. &lt;It's called the "Null Hypothesis"&gt;

    <strong>The 1986 Attorney General's Commission on Pornography concluded that "substantial exposure to sexually violent materials bears a causal relationship to antisocial acts of sexual violence and, for some subgroups, possibly to unlawful acts of sexual violence."
    -Final Report of the Commission On Pornography, 1986, p. 42.

    James Check from York University in Canada conducted an experiment in an attempt to isolate the role of violence as distinct from sex in pornography-induced situations. In the experiment, men were exposed to different degrees of pornography, some violent, some not. All groups exhibited the same shift in attitude, namely a higher inclination to use forse as part of sex. (see James Check, "The Effects of Violent and Nonviolent Pornography," Department of Justice, Ottawa, Canada, submitted June 1984).</strong>

    ...and we all are very familiar with the volumes of legitimate and scientifically peer-reviewed quality of research that pours forth from the Congress of the US &lt;or the Canandian Dept of Justice&gt; or any other beauracracy. By the way, you might consider the concept of "bias" in these sorts governmental-sourced publications - it is rare that they &lt;politicians & elected officials&gt; say things that their voting consituency desires not to hear...and this country is currently in a rather conservative swing. For them to have stated otherwise, esp if they do not represent one of the more liberal subdemographic regions, would be tantamount to political/career suicide.

    <strong>Since 1984, over 150 sex-oriented businesses (peep shows, massage parlors, bookstores, theaters, etc.) have been closed in Oklahoma City. During that period, the rape rate in the county decreased 25%. During the same period, rape increased 20% throughout the rest of the state.
    -Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation, Rape Statistics - Oklahoma City vs. Balance of Oklahoma, 1983-1988.

    Other studies find that exposure to pornography can lead to increased use of coercion or rape (see Edward Donnerstein, "Pornography: Its Effects on Violence Against Women," in Malamuth and Donnerstein, eds., Pornography and Sexual Aggression (New York: Academic Press, 1984).
    </strong>

    Purely anecdotal...nothing more, nothing less. And, anecdotal is not substantial or significant in determining cause & effect relationships.

    <strong>In one study, researchers Dolf Zillman and Jennings Bryant investigated the effects of nonviolent pornography on sexual callousness and the trivialization of rape. They showed that continued exposure to pornography had serious adverse effects on beliefs about sexuality in general and on attitudes toward women in particular. They also found that pornography desensitizes people to rape as a criminal offense. (see Dolf Zillman and Jennings Bryant, "Pornography, Sexual Callousness, and the Trivialization of Rape," Journal of Communication, 32 (1982): 10 21).

    One other note (still on the subject of pornography in marriage but not on the rape stats):
    One study demonstrated that pornography can diminish a person's sexual happiness. The researchers found that people exposed to nonviolent pornography reported diminished satisfaction with their sexual partner's physical appearance, affection, curiosity, and sexual performance. They were also more inclined to put more importance on sex without emotional involvement.(see Dolf Zillman and Jennings Bryant, "Pornography, Sexual Callousness, and the Trivialization of Rape," Journal of Communications 32(1982): 15).</strong>

    How does one define, in the statistical & scientific sense, the concepts of "callous" or "trivialization"? Is the Journal of Communications a true scientific peer-reviewed journal or one those fundamentalist rags that merely function to disseminate hyper-conservative rhetoric? Who sponsored the research?

    <strong>It's not terribly "PC" to point out the problems with pornography, but these are troubling findings that cannot be brushed aside flippantly</strong>

    I disagree with you here. In fact, I would purport that is very chic to be an uptight conservative at this point in time and espouse all that is conservative.
     
  18. 12R34Y

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    I thought that you were supposed to honor your wife. Is fantasizing about having sex with another woman honoring and respecting her?

    No. it is not.

    later
     
  19. quaileggs

    quaileggs Senior Member
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    shurale,
    Could you explain what you mean when you say males tend to "cover" as many females as possible? I don't understand this phrase.
    Also, the OP asks for what people's opinions are if the other spouse is uncomfortable with it and if the other person is hiding it? If neither spouse has a problem with porn then there is no problem right? But that has nothing to do with the scenario depicted does it? Do you recommend that a husband have no concern for the feelings and opinions of his wife? Do you have personal experience with marriage and raising a family and having as much concern about the needs of other people as you do your own? I am actually going through this problem with a good friend of mine. In her marriage,porn is a big issue and a HUGE problem because not only does the husband spend a lot of money and time viewing porn and trying not to get caught by his wife and kids, but he has completely chosen porn over sexual relations with his wife (who is willing and desirous to have sex with her husband and is feeling desperately lonely and rejected). Does this sound like a harmless situation? [I swear to God this is not my marriage I am describing, but that of a very good friend. I have no particular objection to porn per se. I'm sure my husband probably looks at it from time to time and I don't particularly care...that's his business, as long as it doesn't replace me.]
     
  20. OldManDave

    OldManDave Fossil Bouncer Emeritus
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    </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by 12R34Y:
    <strong>I thought that you were supposed to honor your wife. Is fantasizing about having sex with another woman honoring and respecting her?

    No. it is not.

    later</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I would proffer that the "intent" of that phrase was open for interpretation on a case by case basis. Each relationship is unique in & of itself...or else, we could simply plug & play people into one another's marital roles.

    Certainly, that "commitment" is part of the Christian marriage vows, and likely some semblence in other Faiths' vows too; however, I still say the actual definition(s) & application of the concept is highly varied and dependent upon the participant in the relationship.
     
  21. 12R34Y

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    oldman,
    unfortunately you are right. not everyone in society believes in what i said about honoring and respecting your wife. I believe that it is sad and our society definately reflects this by the high divorce rate and the dissolution of the family unit.

    later
     
  22. DrBlueDevil

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    </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by 12R34Y:
    <strong>oldman,
    unfortunately you are right. not everyone in society believes in what i said about honoring and respecting your wife. I believe that it is sad and our society definately reflects this by the high divorce rate and the dissolution of the family unit.

    later</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">12R34Y,

    One thing you might consider is that your views on relationships and the world are just that...your views. While you see a high divorce rate as some sort of measure of social failure, others may see it as a kind of triumph. People don't feel strong social pressure forcing them to stay in unhappy marriages anymore. Instead, they can part ways and seek happiness elsewhere.
     
  23. TweetiePie

    TweetiePie Senior Member
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    i cant believe the prudeness on this thread! <img border="0" alt="[Wowie]" title="" src="graemlins/wowie.gif" />
    some of u r doctors/future doctors. i hope u will demonstrate a little more openmindedness towards your patients.
     
  24. OldManDave

    OldManDave Fossil Bouncer Emeritus
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    </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by 12R34Y:
    <strong>oldman,
    unfortunately you are right. not everyone in society believes in what i said about honoring and respecting your wife. I believe that it is sad and our society definately reflects this by the high divorce rate and the dissolution of the family unit.

    later</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">More than universal belief is the concept that the definition & interpretation of the phrase can be vastly different from person to person. Moreover, the fact that no individual or group(s) of individuals really has the providence to define this corollary nor to enforce their interpretation upon others...that is being judemental and I only know of one diety who has such authority.
     
  25. dr kevin40

    dr kevin40 Senior Member
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    i ain't married, but all i gotz to say is that PORN RULES

    and yall dumb ladies who try to stop ur husband/bf from viewing it is just plain stupid and selfish.
     
  26. Trek

    Trek Grand Uranium Member
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    Really?? --Trek
     
  27. oldman

    oldman Senior Citizen
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    hey, i'm oldman, he's oldmandave!
     
  28. Trek

    Trek Grand Uranium Member
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    OldManDave is my hero!!!!! Bravo to all the open minded, accepting, non-judgemental, and non-holier-than-thou people on this thread!!!! --Trek
     
  29. Papa Smurf

    Papa Smurf Thug 4 Life
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    Trek, just get yourself a woman. I swear dude. Once you have a woman, you'll never need porn again. Besides, imagine all the money you'd save by getting rid of those xxx website memberships.
     
  30. raj2002

    raj2002 Senior Member
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    fantasing is alright man
    but porno sucks on its own - its bad for you to think about women as sex objects I reckon - you end up with an empty life because one woman that you like/love is worth so much more than any number of glamour models.
    A relationship also builds you as a person - takes you to the nesxt level.
    I reckon you might use it to spice up your love life, both parties permitting.
     
  31. Cobragirl

    Cobragirl Hoohaa helper ;)
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    So what do you propose for WOMEN "stuck" in unhappy marriages??? Why does this argument always sound so pathetically one-sided?

    For what it's worth, I think porn can be a double-edged sword. For some couples, when shared together, porn can be a mutually enjoyable experience. However, in the event that the S.O. has an objection (whether it be religious, moralistic, or other), then the person viewing the porn should really take into consideration the effects of their habit. A man "stuck" in an un-happy marriage is NOT an excuse to view porn behind his wife's back. If a man is "stuck" in an unhappy marriage he should 1) put a little more EFFORT into his marriage to see if he can help FIX it or 2) end the marriage!!! It should be rather obvious that if the man feels "stuck", that the wife probably does too! Besides, it's hard for any woman to want to be a sexy, seductive vixen in bed when she knows her man has spent half his day gawking at other (usually younger, hard-bodied) women. How would YOU like to make love to a woman who you knew was addicted to "[email protected]#k" porn sight? I would bet that it would make the MAJORITY of men feel a little, shall we say, inferior. Well, that's how most women feel about having sex with a man that views porn all the time.

    We girls deserve a happy, seductive, and romantic sex life too, ya know!
     
  32. OldManDave

    OldManDave Fossil Bouncer Emeritus
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    As I have previously stated, the boundries of acceptability should be set by the participants in the relationship & not by some self-appointed proclaimer of all that is moral & ethical. It is not the providence of person's outside of a relationship to dictate what goes on b/t consenting, legal-aged adults...be that only two or more participants.

    Furthermore, I don't see how porn in a relationship equates or even factors into "being stuck in a bad marriage". If a relationship is souring or has soured, then it is the responsibility of BOTH parties to either fix or abandon it. In my experience, it is exceedingly rare to be able to affix blame to single person for the failure of a relationship. Most commonly, one bears the blame for the overt act the ends the relationship; however, if the mechanics of the realtionship are explored in earnest, both parties bear a share of the blame.

    That said, the pillars of any successful relationship are: honest, communication, respect & trust. Take away either of them and the relationship is doomed. A successful relationship is flexible and balances the needs & desires of all involved parties -- it is all about compromise and giving of yourself and receiving those same gifts in return.

    So, porn can be healthy part of a relationship that is secure and in which all parties are secure in their feelings about themselves and for the other person. Why should you feel inadequate knowing that an attractive person (some or opposite sex) arouses your significant other? That is a normal biological function and one that hopefully is intact in yourself. My wife & I trust one another implicitly - and we would become concerned if one of lost the ability to appreciate the beauty of another human being, be it sexual or purely aesthetic in nature.

    What you are describing, I suspect, may be feelings of inadequacy or feeling as though you were being compared/gauged against the attresses or actors. Try thinking instead of the fact the your significant other has obviously chosen to be with you, if you're the person he/she has chosen to be romantic with...you cannot and should feel compelled to compete with an entity on mylar.
     
  33. vixen

    vixen I like members
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    if you make some of your own, it might be easier for both parties to agree....and you'll feel closer when you watch it.
     
  34. Pornography is an ART!

    Only some people can appreciate that ART!
    Just like Opera, it is not for everyone.....:rolleyes: :D
     
  35. Cobragirl

    Cobragirl Hoohaa helper ;)
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    OMD,
    First off, I don't know where in my post you read that *I* was having feelings of inadequacy in my relationship...I am not. Second, my post was in rebuttal to someone that had said viewing porn was a good alternative for a "man stuck in a bad marriage" (I don't know where that post has gone...). I agree with you that it DOES take both parties to make or break a marriage...but I also think that a man who is "continually" viewing porn when his wife objects is certainly doing more damage...and certainly not helping the situation!

    The original post was talking about a man who was viewing porn "continuously" when he KNEW his wife was unhappy with it. One can probably assume he was viewing it in leiu of "relations" with his wife (why else would she be upset???)

    No where in my post did I say porn was "bad"...I actually have nothing against it....AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T HURT ANYONE ELSE! This holds true not only for a relationship, but how the porn is created in the first place (child porn, rape, etc!). You will notice that in my 3rd sentence, I stated that porn could be mutually enjoyable between a couple. I never made any statements whatsoever about the "morality" of porn. As for the ethics behind porn, each situation warrants a different view, does it not...and from the sound of the ORIGINAL post, ethics would dictate that the man either cease viewing porn "continuously" or risk losing his marriage (or completely subjugate his wife...) It seems that any logical person would realize that a relationship with a living, breathing woman is infinitely better than masturbating to a computer screen (or magazine, whatever)

    I also never said that LOOKING at porn, in general, is bad. My husband is active-duty Navy...serving on an ALL MALE ship. Do you really think that I DON'T KNOW that he views porn???? Please. The point is that he views it ON THE SHIP...not at home...and NOT CONTINUALLY. It's about respect. I don't have a problem with him viewing it, but I WOULD be offended if I was left sitting in the other room while he got off to a computer! He should be spending that energy on me (as should the hubby in the original post)

    Oh yeah, one other thing. No woman (or man, for that matter) should feel grateful just because someone of the opposite sex "comes home to them" at night. Just because they "come home" does NOT mean there is a healthy relationship intact (and I'm quite sure we can ALL think of great examples). You belittle me and every other woman out there if you think I will EVER feel "grateful" that my (hypothetically) cheating husband is coming home to me. Sorry, I have more self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-respect than that.

    (PS - OMD, I totally agree with most of what you've said, and I've always valued your opinions...I think this time you may have misread and misunderstood where I was coming from..this post is to clarify, not flame)
     
  36. saiyagirl

    saiyagirl Guest

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    while divorce might be an appropriate solution to a bad marriage, i think 12r34y was trying to allude to the fact that there are so many bad marriages in this society to begin with. i don't think pornography is THE reason, i think it is telling that a lot of men and women just aren't satisfied with their marriages.

    you said, "instead, they can part ways and seek happiness elsewhere." looks to me like people are first seeking happiness elsewhere....and then parting ways.

    anyway though its gross, i don't think porno is HUGE deal, but i don't think it should be so easily accessible to minors. nor when i'm married will i be comfortable with my husband looking at porn. and i think when it becomes an obsession it can dangerous. i have to agree with the statistic that child molestors/rapists are obsessed with porno and sex in general--no self control.

    and i TOTALLY agree with everything cobragirl said. Respect is just a minimum.
     
  37. OldManDave

    OldManDave Fossil Bouncer Emeritus
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    Vixen;

    I must admit, you've had the best idea/solution yet!! Will have to give that one a try!!!

    :D :cool:
     
  38. OldManDave

    OldManDave Fossil Bouncer Emeritus
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    Cobragirl...actually, my post was not directed at you -- it was a continuation of the thread and the premises you were expressing. I apologize if it appeared otherwise! As is always the danger, the subtleties of communication are frequently lost when translated into a text-only realm.

    Glad to know that we're on the same page!!
     

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