Quote Of The Day

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NeuroSync

NeuroSync

Every day is a good day
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So everyday patients, students, staff, or attendings say something hillarious. I thought it'd be fun to hear some of them everyday. I don't have a great one from today because I'm in the hell of outpatient IM, but here goes...

"I don't understand why my cholesterol is so high. I'm taking like 20 pills. Do you think it could be diet?" -- morbidly obese patient.
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Couple of days ago the med student walks up to me and asks, "So what's the deal with the guy in bed two? Is he MR?" (mentally ******ed)

I respond truthfully, "Uh, no...he's actually a lawyer."



I swear this is true.:laugh:
 
edinOH said:
Couple of days ago the med student walks up to me and asks, "So what's the deal with the guy in bed two? Is he MR?" (mentally ******ed)

I respond truthfully, "Uh, no...he's actually a lawyer."



I swear this is true.:laugh:
Click to expand...

edinOH, i thought you were going to keep my antics on the wards quiet :p :confused::smuggrin:
 
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A couple of nights ago I went to see a gently intoxicated thirty-something with chief complaint of chest pain listed in the triage notes. "What brings you in tonight, sir?" I asked. After a long pause, he said, "I'm here.......because of beer."
 
Had a 300+ pounder today with minor URI complaint ask me why her knees are always so sore...Hmmmm, Can't imagine why your knees would be sore, having to support the weight of a small elephant....She then asked me if I could fill out disability forms for her...Yeah, that's just what we need. This big fat behemoth sitting on her ass at home on disability so she can gain even more weight....Nice....

Her husband was even bigger than her, probably 400+...Yikes
 
While asking about family history a few nights ago...

"My mother died from fibromyalgia. Do you know what that is?"
 
Very elderly but very sharp man brought in by ambulance for a CVA. Patient was diverted from his usual hospital to our facillity. When I asked if he knew where he was he looked right at the door to his room and said:

"I'm not sure but it looks like room #17 somewhere"
 
cc: vaginal bleeding x 48 hours.

LMP: 4 weeks ago. BHCG neg.

"Do you think it might be my period? I mean, there are 31 days in July."
 
Similar to Spyderdocs - 340 lbs 5 ft even,

p. I dont know doc, my knees are always sore.

d. Mam, your skeleton was designed to carry maybe 200 lbs - you are smashing the crap out of your knees.

p. Can you prescribe some pills?

d. Try losing half your body weight.

p. Is there another option??

d.. HMMMMM.. lets see, Oh yeah, move to a planet with less gravity
 
ERMudPhud said:
Very elderly but very sharp man brought in by ambulance for a CVA. Patient was diverted from his usual hospital to our facillity. When I asked if he knew where he was he looked right at the door to his room and said:

"I'm not sure but it looks like room #17 somewhere"
Click to expand...

Nice. I love these old, gentle senile types. Mine went like this:

D: Sir, do you know what day it is?
P: Sunday! (he was right).

D: Sir, do you know what month it is?
P: March (he was only off by one, but very confident in his delivery).

D: Sir, what state are you in?
P: I... am in the state...

(pause for dramatic effect, piercing sober state, and impeccable timing and delivery):

.... of conFUSion! :laugh:

Yes sir, you are. Please come again....
 
Man calls hospital operator with a complaint.

Operator figures it's a psych issue.

On call psych residents answers page.

Patient: Hi, I've been masturbating for 10 hours now and I haven't ejaculated yet.

Psych resident: Try doing it harder and faster.
 
A man with a suspected bowel obstruction who is being sent for ct,
"dude you're playing me you mother f*er, you are just trying to milk out my medicaide"
 
Student: I think this guy has prostatitis.

Attending: What are the symptoms of prostatitis?

Student: Dysuria

Attending: Yes and ...

Student: Pain with ejaculation

Attending: Maybe...

Student: Should we get him to ejaculate so we can see

Me: Excuse Dr. Attending before you go ejaculate this guy can I ask you a question.
 
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EMTs are bringing a guy in who fell and is complaining of cervical spine pain. Doc looks out as he is being brought in and says, "Well, he's moving the C-collar around and he has almost the same range of motion as the kid in the exorcist...just taking a wild guess, I'd say his C-spine is PROBABLY gonna make it."
 
I am in the ICU this month and just picked up a new term/quote that I like.

Att: This patient is just a cockroach.

Me: (curiously) Dr Boss what exactly is a cockroach?

Att: No matter how hard we try, we just can't ever get rid of 'em!

Me: (Smiling) I have a new word!
 
I'll add another one.

This was about 3-4 years, my great uncle just had a CABG.

The CT surgeon came in to round. He goes over things with my great uncle...

CT Surg: "Now something very important is that you cannot lift anything over ten pounds for six weeks."

Great Uncle: (shaking head) "Doctor, how am I ever gonna pee..."

We still tell that story. The doctor didnt know what to do or say... I was rolling!
 
doc: "Sir, your blood alcohol level is .35, do you know what that means?"

pt: "It means i'm f***ing wasted......!"

doc: "how are you getting home tonight?"

pt: "I got me a mustang!"
 
I'm sure everyone has heard this one, but it's classic and should be here.


D [enters exam room]: So what's wrong today?
P [looks up with sharp eyes, a smile, and with a slow drawl]: I'm 92 years old.




EMS run:
Accident scene and one needs to be flown.
Medic on radio: "Shoot me the bird"
In sync, those within ear shot flip off the medic.
 
here's one from wayyy back in the day, when i was a 20 year-old undergrad:

middle aged female in MVA, complaining of severe lumbar back pain. she's taken to CT. meanwhile, i'm standing alone in the trauma bay looking at xrays of her lumbar spine. slowly, all the EMT's and nurses begins crowding around behind me, looking over my shoulder at the films, but careful not to impose on my personal space (so it seems). then one of the head Doc's steps close and stands shoulder to shoulder with me and asks if i see anything (at this point its important to note that i tend to appear much older than i actually am, and it was like my 2nd week working so no one really knew who i was) . . .

so i reply "all i can see is this excesive lordosis in the lumbar spine here . . . "

she contemplates, pauses, then asks "are you the new guy from ortho?"

the crowd awaits my reply . . .

"No . . . but i did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night . . . "

i made some friends that day :):)
 
"I told you...she eats just about anything." -- Mom of developmentally disabled 3yo who was SUCKING DOWN CHARCOAL LIKE A MILKSHAKE. She had been found chewing up ibuprophen like candy (about 60 missing)...It was a polaroid moment fo sho. She did well, BTW. :)
 
currently on a peds ed rotation

6 mos old presents with petechial rash and fever so as the nurse is drawing blood , im talking to the parents about what tests we are going to run

me : so we are drawing her blood so we can see if she has an infection, etc
father: " i just dont understand why you have to draw her blood today?"
me: because she may have an infection and the blood will help us evaluate that.
father: "but she had blood drawn months ago when she was born....can't you just look that up in her file to see the results from then and if she had an infection?"
me: (trying not to give the speech that certain people shouldn't breed) said...well our blood changes over time...its not necessarily the same day to day
father: oh ok....i never knew that (no ****..cause that wasnt apparant!?)
 
"I smoke crack but I aint no crackhead"
 
I brought an elderly man to a local ED, he happened to have his ring finger amputated many years ago... Upon moving him over to the ED bed, the female nurse notices this and asks, "Are you missing the whole finger?" To which the elderly man replies, "No ma'am, I'm missing the one next to it."
She didn't understand but I got quite a chuckle out of a perverted old guy.
 
I'm doing a rural outpatient IM rotation. I happened to see a beaver swimming in a nearby lake during an early morning run, and I told the clerkship director (he was "visiting" for the day). His response was, "You should know this one: What disease is the beaver best known to carry?" I laughed and said that I had asked my attending how I could prepare for this guys who is notorious for pimping, but I just couldn't have predicted infectious beaver questions and I had no flippin' idea. Fortunately for me, he laughed.

The answer is giardia for those who are interested. I'm not sure why you would be, but there you go...
 
NeuroSync said:
I'm doing a rural outpatient IM rotation. I happened to see a beaver swimming in a nearby lake during an early morning run, and I told the clerkship director (he was "visiting" for the day). His response was, "You should know this one: What disease is the beaver best known to carry?" I laughed and said that I had asked my attending how I could prepare for this guys who is notorious for pimping, but I just couldn't have predicted infectious beaver questions and I had no flippin' idea. Fortunately for me, he laughed.

The answer is giardia for those who are interested. I'm not sure why you would be, but there you go...
Click to expand...

"Beaver fever" - Giardia lamblia. From people drinking from "clear mountain streams" - that a beaver pissed in upstream.
 
Apollyon said:
"Beaver fever" - Giardia lamblia. From people drinking from "clear mountain streams" - that a beaver pissed in upstream.
Click to expand...

I would have guessed it was carried by marmouts. I AM glad to see that the rest of the world seemed to know the answer to that question. :)
 
urologist on phone:" if the 3 way doesn't work you will have to do it by hand".

re: bladder irrigation in a pt post prostatectomy with significant bleeding/clots and recurrent urinary retention. 3 way irrigation foley( #24 F!) had been placed and pt kept clotting it off and having recurrent obstruction sx.
urologist wanted irrigation done by hand pump pressure not via irrigation bag.

this had us all laughing for days( did you see than 3 way yesterday in the dept? ....yeah, I was in on it with nurse amy!)
 
On rounds in the trauma unit outside a patients room.

P: awful gagging sound as patient is coughing up a bunch of phlegm...

Surgical resident: "ewww... I hope she gets that all up and spits it out.."

Trauma Attending: "frankly once its in the mouth I don't care if they spit or swallow".

The rest of us: complete silence followed by giggling...

End result: Never seen a trauma surgeon get so flustered and blush like that when he realized what he said.
 
Patient to me: "excuse me doc, where can I find the allegory specialist?" (she meant allergology) :D
 
Me: So you come to the ER about once a month for this problem (which happened to be syncope). What did your primary doctor say about it?
Patient: Well I never said nuthin' to him about it. I just go to him to refill my prescriptions.
 
docB said:
Patient: Well I never said nuthin' to him about it. I just go to him to refill my prescriptions.
Click to expand...

You should just be thankful that he doesn't ask you for his refills.

Can't you just see this as the future of medicine? PCPs only see patients in the clinic for schedule appointments. They take care of only chronic problems. If there's anything acute, they send 'em to us, the acute care specialist. If we admit them, they are treated by hospitalists. If they go to the ICU, they're cared for by intensivists.

Beware the future, for it is now.

Take care,
Jeff
 
MtMed said:
here's one from wayyy back in the day, when i was a 20 year-old undergrad:

middle aged female in MVA, complaining of severe lumbar back pain. she's taken to CT. meanwhile, i'm standing alone in the trauma bay looking at xrays of her lumbar spine. slowly, all the EMT's and nurses begins crowding around behind me, looking over my shoulder at the films, but careful not to impose on my personal space (so it seems). then one of the head Doc's steps close and stands shoulder to shoulder with me and asks if i see anything (at this point its important to note that i tend to appear much older than i actually am, and it was like my 2nd week working so no one really knew who i was) . . .

so i reply "all i can see is this excesive lordosis in the lumbar spine here . . . "

she contemplates, pauses, then asks "are you the new guy from ortho?"

the crowd awaits my reply . . .

"No . . . but i did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night . . . "

i made some friends that day :):)
Click to expand...

Along those lines, we had a lady crackhead, she actually told us that, with multiple stab wounds and needing a chest tube. The attending was an old white haired guy that was not impressed with her in the least.

Pt: What are you gonna do? Have you ever done this before?

Attending with scalpel in hand: No but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

He then proceeded to cut as I damn near fell out in the floor and the pt freaked out
 
Me: So, what medical problems have you been dx'd w/ before?

Pt: Well, I got suggestive heart failure.

Me: Wow, who suggested that?

Pt: Some dude in the ER last year. I mean he was a doctor.

Me: What caused you to go to the ER at that time?

Pt: I was havin' problems breevin'.
 
"Throw rugs are like bear traps for old people."
Observation of an EM attending presenting a lecture on hip/pelvic fractures
 
IntheDraft6 said:
While asking about family history a few nights ago...

"My mother died from fibromyalgia. Do you know what that is?"
Click to expand...

....I've heard of it... (Eyes glazing over like a jelly filled donut from Krispy Kreme...)
 
"The problem with maggots is that they pupate...and we really don't want little pieces of him flying around the hospital."
 
Vietnam vet in renal failure needs an MRI. He starts freaking out about it and says, "I don't see why I need to be tortured while George W isn't." :)
 
Mom brings teenaged kid in with a "spider bit" that -- big surprise -- turns out to be a MRSA abscess. I ask mom why she thinks it is a spider bite, and she say that she has had the same thing, and she knows hers were spider bites because spiders love to mate in her eyelashes because they are so long. :scared:
 
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