I am currently on leave of absence, after deciding in February 2011 that I wasn't sure if med school was right for me. I was a second year at the time that I left. The main reason for this was consistently poor performances on exams. First year, I failed a class but successfully re-mediated it over the summer. Second year, I failed the second exam of the year (yikes) but was able to get my grade up to passing for the course itself. I also received a marginal pass for another class. Looking back, I can honestly say that my study habits were extremely poor (if not non-existent) and, although I wanted to change, I was never able to find the motivation or self-discipline to do so. So, to make a long story short, I was sick of barely passing or failing every test, and absolutely frustrated with myself for not changing my ways.
Now that I am on leave of absence, I have been seeing a therapist, and I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD from a sexual assault which occurred in college (I am not the same person as the previous poster re: sexual assault). Looking back at when I was in med school, it makes sense -- I was sleeping all the time or not sleeping at all (especially night before exams), had a total and complete inability to concentrate, was hardly eating some (most?) days, and was constantly anxiety-ridden (had to be prescribed meds).
In about 2 months, I have to tell the school whether or not I am returning next year. Although I have obviously been weighing the pros and cons of going back, I am more confused than ever. It is clear now that I was not able to perform to the best of my ability due to my ongoing issues from the assault. There is a part of me that wants to believe, now that I am dealing with these issues, have found a good therapist, etc., I will be able to go back to school and succeed. There is another part of me that wonders if maybe I truly just don't want to be a doctor, and I will continue to suffer from lack of motivation if I return to school, regardless of medication, therapy, etc. I can honestly say I hated med school while I was there, and I don't know if I want to go back -- but couldn't that be partially because I was having such a hard time? Maybe if I felt more focused, on-task, successful, etc. it would be more tolerable.
So I guess my question is, how am I ever going to make this decision? The thing I have been trying to figure out (above all else) is -- do I really want to be a doctor? Because that's what matters in the end. The problem is, I don't even feel like I can answer this question. There is a part of me that is still attached to medicine, but another part that no longer feels it's worth the sacrifice. I do have other interests, but I would need to go back to school and get an advanced degree for most of them (Masters degree, etc.) I don't know if I want to incur more debt yet end up with a lower-paying career -- my alternative choices don't pay much and I'm concerned about paying off my student loans. I would appreciate any thoughts or input.
