Quoted: Vet school - leave of absence for mental health issues?

[Doodledog]

Posted for a member

I am a first year student at a US veterinary school. I am a non-trad student- older, married with a child. I have spent the last 10 years of my life overcommitted and hyperfocused on getting to this point.

I am a survivor of childhood abuse. Approximately 12 years ago I experienced an involuntary commitment to a mental health facility and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Until recently I always considered that to be a misdiagnosis, and attributed the behaviors and thought patterns that got me committed to be normal reactions to the abuse I experienced. I became much better after I was released and removed myself from the abusive environment. I thought I was mentally healthy. In my vet school application I did reference my dysfunctional childhood as an obstacle I overcame, but did not discuss being committed.

Upon starting school last fall I nearly immediately fell into a deep depression. Within a few weeks I spoke to the vet school psychologist about it, and he referred me to an MD. I started taking an SSRI; it was the first time I'd ever felt bad enough to medicate myself since being committed. I'd always felt the medications I had been forced to take made me worse, not better.

It may have been the meds, or just that I became closer with my classmates and felt more of a sense of place, but I managed to pull myself back up for a while, and had decent academic performance through the end of fall semester. After the new year I began to have difficulty focusing on school again, largely due to events in my personal life and relationships. I did not feel the same kind of depression I felt at the beginning of the year anymore, but my school performance was very poor. I managed to spectacularly fail an important exam, and then had to struggle very hard to bring my grade back up to a D for that course. I am now on academic probation because of the D, but I largely feel grateful I am at least still in vet school.

Due to the issues in my personal life I am starting to reconsider my previous diagnosis of BPD. I have felt an increasing sense that I cannot discern reality from the unhealthy fictions my mind creates. I am consumed with this doubt, and the fear that believing the wrong reality will cause me to take actions that will harm people I love.

I am worried that my mental health issues will cause me to fail out of vet school, but at the same time I am worried about what will happen if I go to the school and tell them I think I'm not quite sane. I'm going to find a counselor, outside of the school to talk to about this, but I'm worried that won't be enough. I have considered voluntarily committing myself as well. However if I could somehow work on myself and continue school at the same time that would be the best thing. If I pull out of school now I believe I would need to start the year over at least; I don't know if I would have to re-apply.

I'm also worried about the financial implications to my family, both the cost of mental health services and the enormous debt we have and would be unable to repay if I cannot complete my studies.

Any advice would be appreciated.

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[Ben and Me]

Hi!

First of all, HUGS!

I don't have any real advice to give you, other than to tell you that if you can make it thru to the summer, I bet that it'll all get exponentially better.

I know that last year leading up to spring semester exams, I was the most depressed I'd ever been -- I'd call my parents and brother in the middle of the night sobbing...couldn't focus...had lots of stress with my friend group, etc. I don't know what I would've done without my mom, who flew up for the weekend to hang out w/ me. I went into finals nearly failing 3 classes -- no idea how I managed to pass all 3...I think I got very, very, very lucky!

Once summer rolled around though, I was able to kick back and do externships, which I loved and which reminded me why I was struggling through vet school to begin with. Even though I was busy as hell, I loved every second of it. Spend your summer doing something that YOU enjoy -- don't be pressured into doing something that you "think" you should do. It'll pay off when you come back for second year refreshed and ready to roll.

I think that you'll find that if you can just make it to May/June, it'll all get a lot better. I hated 2nd semester of 1st year, and even though 2nd year is supposed to be "harder," I'm liking it a lot more since it seems a lot more relevant, the classes are more organized, etc.

I also think that it's really important to set aside time for at least 1 thing that you enjoy and can relax with. For me, it's spending time out at our large animal hospital, walking my dog, or visiting my boyfriend. You DO have time to work this into your schedule -- I promise! Plus, I find that when I'm busier, I'm able to focus more because there's more of a time crunch.

Can you find someone to talk to in the meantime? Even if you can't afford private counseling, the school (or university at large) should have a counselor available for professional students. They are bound by confidentiality, so I can't imagine that it would hurt you to go talk to them...Not to mention the fact that I think that vet schools really want to keep you around -- they need your tuition money, if nothing else!

I know that these are more suggestions for folks who are "blue" and less for those who are battling a serious mental illness, but I figured it can't hurt. I hope you don't think that I'm belittling your problem...that isn't my intention at all. I just want you to know that you CAN do this, as long as you're sure it's still what you really want.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk!