read my p.s be harsh, be truthful, rip it apart if you like

[Keberson]

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[Keberson]

the paragraphs got deleted somehow..but here are paragraphs

 

[Peterock]

That's a very good statement, I would not post it on sdn.

 

[tontondavid]

I second that. Not everyone here may be honest....

Nevertheless, this is a truely inspiring PS. You're on the right track!

Good luck.

 

[pyra]

I agree. Take down your PS. There may be people who may steal it.

Anyways, I think you should reword the beginning where you are using words like "grabbed her elderly hand" and "resisiting you with all her strength." It seems a little like elderly abuse the way you have it worded. And maybe at the end, you rush through a lot of experiences, maybe pick one significant one and go into detail. Leave the rest for secondaries. I like the Aids story go in more detail.

 

[KyGrlDr2B]

I would not post this here either. There may be someone on here applying to the same schools as you and may rip off your statement. Then how do you prove whose it really is??

 

[no-see-um]

I would not post this here either. There may be someone on here applying to the same schools as you and may rip off your statement. Then how do you prove whose it really is??

Either take it down or send it to yourself return receipt. Perhaps the mod can.

 

[no-see-um]

As long as it is up, I must say that I liked it.

 

[daffy]

keberson I pm-ed you

best of luck to all

 

[starfruit]

I think it should be "set my passions ablaze." Otherwise, a very strong PS.

 

[CaptainJack02]

keberson - i like it. actually, i think i'll use it as my own PS, if that's OK with you. or even if it's not.

actually, i already submitted my AMCAS, but there may be others who are frustrated and who have sticky fingers. there is a thread with ppl who are willing to read PS's; u'd be much safer asking for their critique.

 

[jtown]

you spend a lot of time at the beginning on the first encounter w/ miss thelma and then sort of spit out a bunch of anecdotes all in one paragraph at the end...
also, you wait until the very very end to tie them together... the tying together is done nicely, but i think in spending so much time on the first story and then giving a few others a sentence or two each, you are sort of presenting the same type of information multiple times and not giving enough other information about yourself....

there also seem to be a fair number of places where it seems like you wanted to dress up the language with bigger words/phrases that either aren't necessary, dont fit, or are used improperly

"My dreams for medicine were coming back.
I took a second job at the nursing home completely under duress. After a horrible summer dealing with the repercussions of being a victim of identity fraud and the unexpected death of my grandfather, I found myself with an empty bank account and the first of the month rapidly approaching"

this could bear a little more explanation.... in 5300 characters, you probably used about 1000 detailing the search of thelma's room and very little about how you became disillusioned... maybe it's something you dont want to discuss, but as someone who also had some reference to disillusionment on my PS, the adcoms were VERY interested in discussing it in interviews.

i think it's a great start, but i would take the following steps:
-read it again... slowly. and try to read it as if someone else wrote it... try to forget the words that you had written next.
-don't trust the spell checker on the computer... i saw "its" instead of "it's" at least once...
-dont worry about going over (even WAY over) 5300 chars to start with... you'll trim some of it down and find repetitive thoughts that you can combine
-after you've written a long version, decide what impression you'd like to make on a reader and if this statement makes it

i found that my statement became much stronger when i eliminated things like "... i think it must have been..." in favor of "... it was the ..." and i could use the characters i "saved" on more colorful language

 

[thewzdoc]

Keberson,

I PM'ed a few changes to you. Good overall.

 

[dmk724]

I also PMed you. I do agree, though - you probably shouldn't advertise your PS here.

 

[Indebt4Life]

*****note incorrect grammar, spelling, too simplistic sentences, boring parts, sucky parts, arrogant parts, weak parts...rip apart as you desire****


The sun was down and she was pacing again. ?Time for bed, Miss Thelma.? I grabbed her elderly hand, worn from years of housework, gentle squeezes, and tickling little feet and began to coax her toward the room at the end of the hall. She stopped dead in her tracks and resisted me with every ounce of her eighty-year-old frame. ?But Kelly there?s a ghost in there!? A ghost?! Tears were forming at the corners of her eyes as she backed away cautiously. I looped my arm around hers, ?Oh Thelma, let?s go see about this ghost.? She looked at me, terrified and unsure, and squeezed my arm with unexpected strength. I etched forward a few steps with her in tow and proclaimed in my most confident voice that I was not afraid of ghosts and would scare any ghosts away that dared to come out. We searched the closet, under the bed, and in the cabinets and found no ghost. In a few minutes she was in her pajamas warm beneath the blankets, confident that I had ?scared away? the intruder. Walking down the hall of Gazebo Nursing Facility, I thought to myself how frightening it must be to suffer from Alzheimer?s disease.

Good imagery and eye catcher. Some run on sentences. However, I would shorten the intro to give you more room to discuss other experiences in detail. The intro tells me that you possess soft skills. That's it. Try to abridge.

In all the depression and amidst the cloud of despair that hovers over Gazebo I felt a warm satisfaction and sensed a smile coming to my face. My dreams for medicine were coming back.
I wouldn't necessarily say "coming" back. Reword that. You don't want to give the impression that you are struggling with the decision to enter medicine.

I took a second job at the nursing home completely under duress. After a horrible summer dealing with the repercussions of being a victim of identity fraud and the unexpected death of my grandfather, I found myself with an empty bank account and the first of the month rapidly approaching.
I don't like this statement. Yes, you had some problems but don't we all. It also seems a little cold hearted. I interpret it to mean that your financial problems are more important than your grandfathers death. Lose that.

Though my eager aspirations for medical school were lost in a sea of disillusionment
Again, you seem like you are going back and forth. Do you or do you not want to be a doctor? If a few setbacks during one summer can destroy your dreams and goals, then your desire to enter medicine will be viewed as not strong enough.

I was grateful to get a job with my EMT-I training but still was hesitant to enter the seemingly depressing profession of geriatric care.
You seem to show lots of love and care with Miss Thelma who happens to be an old woman. And now you are stating that geriatrics is depressing. It will make the reader question your motives. Why were you taking care of Thelma in the first place? You should carry a more positive optimistic tone. Happy Happy. You know what I mean? You should rather say something like: Working in the grave geriactric department is inspiring because these patients are nearing their end and they go undefeated to the end.

My first day consisted of learning to change diapers and to ?swing em? and fling em?? into and out of the bed.
This is not the kind of doctor I would want working on my granny. This wording puts images in my head of abuse in elderly homes. Lose it fast!!

The work was at sometimes grueling with sixteen-hour days and a sore back from the constant lifting but as my relationships with the residents grew I remembered what it was about being a physician that had caught my eye and sent my passions ablaze.
Good statement! More of this.

Looking at their medical charts and discussing Alzheimer?s disease, Parkinson?s disease and Hospice care with the nurses I knew that the road to becoming a physician was one I wanted to take no matter what adversity came with me.
More details. What exactly about reading charts, discussing etc do you like? The interaction with patients? The responsibility that comes with your role as a health care provider?

Before the trials of that summer derailed my plans I had followed my aspirations to become a physician with reckless abandonment.
Again, why do you refer back to your personal problems. You must be able to separate your personal live from your professional life. This is not a good indication of that maturity that goes along with a doctor.

In my freshman year I took extra courses at the local junior college to obtain my EMT-B certificate.
Why didn't you include this when you mentioned that you got a job as an EMT. You need to organize your thoughts better.

In my clinical rotations I was able to join an ER team in saving a cardiac arrest patient by administering CPR for the first time. It was awesome (not a ps word to use) to witness the birth of a baby boy to a young couple and humbling to sit with a lonely teenaged overdose patient as she tearfully relayed her story. My experiences impacted me so much that I could not bear to see them end. I decided to continue and earn an EMT-I certification despite the difficulty of juggling full-time status at two different academic institutions. (Do you want a cookie for that ? ) My first intubation was on an elderly mentally ******ed man from the Brenham State School who was getting a nerve stimulator to reduce his recurrent seizures. I was able to visit him later at the school where my mother is a nurse and relish in the success of his surgery knowing that I had somehow, however small a way, made his life a little better. Okay, I see this all the time. Way too many relevant experiences packed into one paragraph. If I tell you 9 things I did quickly and then I tell you one or two things I did in detail. What will you remember? The one or two in detail. Pick one or two and provide more detail and develop it by using imagery.... not a brisk ramble of stuff you did. I volunteered in a hospital since high school, should I include every experience up to college.

Once I completed the requirements for the EMT-Intermediate I got a job at the Student Rec Center on campus as a medic. Everyday I have the opportunity to interact with my peers and develop leadership skills. All these experiences solidified in my mind the goal of becoming a physician.
See comment above.

I don't know what first gave me the idea to pursue medicine.
Here, we go again. More hesitation and indecisiveness. Don't say "I don't know" say "I can't pin point when my decision to enter medicine solidified"

Perhaps it was the late night house visits I tagged along with my mom, a Hospice nurse, watching her gently console a grieving relative or speak words of comfort while adjusting the pillow of a terminally ill patient. Maybe it was the grief in my heart when a young African girl tearfully revealed that she had contracted "the killing disease" from her uncle. Two months in South Africa before my freshman year have left images of A.I.D.S burned in my memory. Sometimes I think that maybe its the days at Health For All, a free clinic serving unprivileged citizens in my community, that I get to educate diabetics about healthy exercise and nutrition or listen attentively to the painful stories of members of my community who battle against poverty and unemployment.
More ramble of all your experiences. All I can remember after reading this ps is thelma. She is the only character you developed and you should use her to tie your story.

No particular moment in time, no precise second can I honestly say was the "golden moment" in which I decided that I wanted to be a physician. I know that it is a part of who I am and what kind of person I long to be. I see myself as a physician living in the daily rut of life right beside my patients, seeing them through the dirt and the glory that life seems to bring everyday, and scaring away the ghosts of life as best I can.

Okay, good tie with Thelma. I take back second part of comment above.

 

[drbrowneyes]

I enjoyed your personal statement. I think you should go to the other forums where you have posted it and delete. I agree with the others, that all who visit this site are not honest.

 

[huxley]

Keberson,

I really liked your essay too. I agree with pyra tho about focusing more on one of your many experiences that you list in the end of the essay instead of breezing through all of them -- I think developing one of the stories would make a greater impact. And the AIDS one is definitely the most compelling.

-H

 

[Nebmuse]

Everybody who has quoted the essay, or parts thereof, may want to edit it out as well...