read my PS PLEEEEASE!

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bjb305

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ok so here's what I have so far.. and the conclusion is absolutely horrible but I had NO idea what else to write so far.. so please look it over.. Thanks!!!


"Brian come quick, Adam is bleeding!" I hear one of the 8 year olds yelling as I rush to see what happened. My heart was pounding in excitement to lend a helping hand, and also worried that one of my campers could be seriously hurt. As I rush to the scene with my latex gloves already put on and bandages in hand thinking of everything I learned in my First Aid course, I realize it was just a minor cut on his leg that he got by falling. This was a little less exciting than expected from the emergency-like tone in the first child's voice, but still satisfying and rewarding to me. Helping Adam not only made me feel good that I was able to apply what I learned to help with his wound, but also gave me a joy that I helped someone out. It was from this feeling that I knew what I wanted in life: I wanted to become a doctor.
I always had an interested in medicine because I grew up in a hospital related household. My mother is a perioperative R.N. and my stepfather is an anesthesiologist. Listening to their stories at the dinner table always excited me which drove my interest towards medicine. This desire to become a doctor was cemented in my mind the summer I was a camp counselor.
My first year in college I spent studying for a business major, but yet unsure if that was what I truly wanted. The classes were not very appealing to me and never really grabbed my attention like the physiology course I took in the second semester. From there I switched to a Life science major, which I have pursued. My grades throughout college were always a point of pride. I maintained a cumulative GPA above 3.5 since the second semester at Penn State.
My sophomore year I took plenty of science courses and enjoyed every one. That year I also picked up a job working in the computer labs and in the summer I worked for the local YMCA as a camp counselor. Being a counselor was one of my favorite experiences, not only to enjoy working with the kids but also to get the first glimpse of the unique feeling I experienced when helping them. It was this summer that I knew I wanted to not only pursue a career in science, but advance further in the field of medicine.
Currently, I still work in the computer labs and have been promoted to a Team Leader. I highly enjoy this position and the responsibilities of doing extra work and making sure others do their job as well. This summer, I will be volunteering at the Mount Nittany Medical Center and also for the student organization "Blue and White Society." I have also received a job from Kaplan Inc. to teach the MCAT course to students for the upcoming August MCAT.
I have always had an interest in becoming a doctor through the stories told by my parents. My college experiences, especially the summer I spent as a camp counselor, reinforced and strengthened my aspiration to become a doctor. I feel that my leadership skills were enhanced through my Team Leader position in the computer labs. Finally, the volunteer work I will be doing this summer will allow me to see hands on what the hospital setting is like.

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bjb305 said:
ok so here's what I have so far.. and the conclusion is absolutely horrible but I had NO idea what else to write so far.. so please look it over.. Thanks!!!


I've always been told that starting off intros with quotes is bland and overdone, but a lot of people like it. So really this is up to you if you want to keep or not, but just know that there are other ways to grab the reader's attention without the use of a quote. IE: Mention something you saw on the news the other day of a kid who was in an accident and how it reminded you of the time that Adam was bleeding. "Brian come quick, Adam is bleeding!" I hear one of the 8 year olds yelling as I rush to see what happened. My heart was I don't know if I would say "excitement", sounds a little odd that you were excited to respond to an emergency pounding in excitement to lend a helping hand, and also worried that one of my campers could be seriously hurt. As I rush to the scene with my latex gloves already put on and bandages in hand thinking of everything I learned in my First Aid course, I realize it was just a minor cut on his leg that he got by falling. Again, I don't know if excitement is appropriate in describing an emergency This was a little less exciting than expected from the emergency-like tone in the first child's voice, but still satisfying and rewarding to me. Helping Adam not only made me feel good that I was able to apply what I learned to help with his wound, but also gave me a joy that I helped someone out. Eh, didn't like the use of a colon, use -- instead to emphasize the point It was from this feeling that I knew what I wanted in life: I wanted to become a doctor.
I always had an interested in medicine because I grew up in a hospital related household. My mother is a perioperative R.N. and my stepfather is an anesthesiologist. Listening to their stories at the dinner table always excited me which drove my interest towards medicine. This desire to become a doctor was cemented in my mind the summer I was a camp counselor.
This sounds weird, "studying for a business major" My first year in college I spent studying for a business major, but yet unsure if that was what I truly wanted. The classes were not very appealing to me and never really grabbed my attention like the physiology course I took in the second semester. Check grammar From there I switched to a Life science major, which I have pursued. My grades throughout college were always a point of pride. Wouldn't mention my grades but that's just me personally, your grades/mcat scores are on your amcas application, tell me why you want to be a doctor, not how good you are I maintained a cumulative GPA above 3.5 since the second semester at Penn State.
My sophomore year I took plenty of science courses and enjoyed every one. That year I also picked up a job working in the computer labs and in the summer I worked for the local YMCA as a camp counselor. Being a counselor was one of my favorite experiences, not only to enjoy working with the kids but also to get the first glimpse of the unique feeling I experienced when helping them. I think you kind of already said this in the first paragraph It was this summer that I knew I wanted to not only pursue a career in science, but advance further in the field of medicine.
Currently, I still work in the computer labs and have been promoted to a Team Leader. Sounds weird I highly enjoy this position and the responsibilities of doing extra work and making sure others do their job as well. This summer, I will be volunteering at the Mount Nittany Medical Center and also for the student organization "Blue and White Society." I have also received a job from Kaplan Inc. to teach the MCAT course to students for the upcoming August MCAT.
You already said this, like word for word ;) I have always had an interest in becoming a doctor through the stories told by my parents. My college experiences, especially the summer I spent as a camp counselor, reinforced and strengthened my aspiration to become a doctor. I feel that my leadership skills were enhanced through my Team Leader position in the computer labs. Finally, the volunteer work I will be doing this summer will allow me to see hands on what the hospital setting is like.

Well, the stuff I put in orange I have issues with. It is a good effort but you have a lot of work to do still. Your ps needs a lot of touch up grammatically speaking. Typically intro statements aren't great to start off with a quote--but the idea of saying something to catch the reader's attention is good. Conclusions you are trying to sum everything up, but you go as far as just repeating the exact same thing almost word for word. Suggestion: try and find other ways to tie everything together than just almost seemingly copying and pasting original text, it would sound better.

Also, I would use the ps to talk about your experiences in life and how they impacted you--I wouldn't mention my GPA, especially since it is average compared to most med. school matriculants.

On a whole though, I liked the idea you were going with. I liked that you talked about personable experiences and I didn't get a condescending feel from your ps which is good. From reading your ps I got the impression that "hey, this kid really wants to become a doctor for the right reasons." However, to be honest, it needs a lot of restructuring/rewording to get all your ideas to flow in an organized and sensible manner. My main suggestion: take it to a writing center on campus and/or writing prof. and they can help ya out a lot with that area.
 
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stop posting PS in the main area.. not only is it annoying.. but you run the chance of a stupid premed plagarizing a portion of ur PS and getting you in trouble with an ADCOM
 
This sounds like it is your first draft. Let this sit for about 4 hours and then reread and rewrite. Then seek help from family/friends. Next, take your revised PS to your school's writing center or to an English professor that would remember you. Try to go some time when they are not busy.

Tell whoever is helping you that you're looking to clean up the grammar and elevate the level of writing. This is not a personal attack, but your essay needs a lot of help. Fortunately, it sounds like you have plenty of life experiences to draw from, and there are plenty of brilliant people out there who cannot write their way out of a wet paper bag.

As the previous poster said, I would remove the numbers (GPA, MCAT) which they will have already seen. If your sudden interest in medicine sparked an upward trend, talk about things like purpose, drive, or motivation which you discovered as a result.

I'd also remove several of the references to ECs which you've tried to cover in one or two lines. You're given space to cover these elsewhere; the PS should contain experiences beyond the scope of "I taught a Kaplan course."
 
xSTALLiONx said:
stop posting PS in the main area.. not only is it annoying.. but you run the chance of a stupid premed plagarizing a portion of ur PS and getting you in trouble with an ADCOM

agreed --- i can't comprehend why somone would post in the main area. are you looking for 10,000 premeds to see your essay? congrats, you might be successful.

use the "sdners willing to read ps" thread and PM it, and use your friends/university advisors.
 
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