- Joined
- Mar 19, 2003
- Messages
- 2,212
- Reaction score
- 30
Notice
Beginning November 1, 2003, handguns will be issued to all Emergency Room Personnel, along with the following instructions for their use.
Henceforth, patients may be shot, but only after a careful history has been taken and one (or more) of the following criteria have been met -
1. Patient was caught committing a violent crime and was not sufficiently beaten by the police.
2. Patient was caught committing RAPE or CHILD MOLESTING and was not permanently sterilized or paralyzed by the victim and/or their family (document victim participation as ?restorative therapy?).
3. Patient comes to the ER by ambulance for suture removal or pain prescription refill. (There will be a study as to the effectiveness of this being done ?in the field?).
4. Five members of the ER staff or two physicians (only one needs to be licensed to practice ? M4s are acceptable) certify the patient is a dirtball. Only two staff members or one physician is needed if the patient has propositioned any member of the staff for sexual favors.
5. Patient reports to the ER at 3:00 A.M. for an injury that occurred more than 6 days ago. The time limit is lowered to 2 days if the patient has arrived on the advice of their attorney to be ?checked-out? after a car accident.
6. Maggot count is numerically higher than blood count.
7. The patient?s BAC is greater than 5 times their IQ and they know all of the ER staff on a first name basis.
8. The patient is spitting or screaming and has a positive tattoo-to-tooth ratio.
9. Patient wants a new cast because the old cast melted when 6 bottles of cheap wine spilled on it or it was broken in a fight.
10. Heroin needle broke off in arm.
11. Patient was arrested on outstanding warrants and suddenly remembers an injury that requires immediate hospitalization. (Post-accident DUI arrests will be considered in lieu of warrants if there were other people injured in the accident.)
12. Patient speaks no English until discharged without pain medication, then uses a 4-letter words or other derogatory English lingo.
13. Patient insists on pain medication for a non-discernible injury, then states they are allergic to everything except Demerol and their family doctor is ?out of town? or that they themselves are ?on vacation?.
14. The parent of a pediatric patient who suffers from a lack of food, shelter or love related to that parent?s drug or dating habits may be shot to prevent further reproduction. Please contact the county health department as this is considered a preventative public health measure.
Please note:
? No patients are to be shot without first notifying Urology and Ophthalmology for possible organ donations.
? All dirtballs must be shot in the contamination room.
? Patients may be kept in ER longer than 30 minutes but no longer than 4 hours prior to being shot.
? Target area is at discretion of the ER team unless the patient has groped a staff member or meets criterion #2 (above), in which case only areas certain to be significantly painful and debilitating are acceptable.
? Fatal wounds are in no way discouraged.
The procedure will be documented as ?Inter-[insert body part here] Pb injection as treatment for chronic uselessness or acute wasting of space related to insufficient gene pool depth?. Any individuals stupid enough to admit a familial relationship to the patient will be billed accordingly -see Angie in transcription for the proper billing codes.
Beginning November 1, 2003, handguns will be issued to all Emergency Room Personnel, along with the following instructions for their use.
Henceforth, patients may be shot, but only after a careful history has been taken and one (or more) of the following criteria have been met -
1. Patient was caught committing a violent crime and was not sufficiently beaten by the police.
2. Patient was caught committing RAPE or CHILD MOLESTING and was not permanently sterilized or paralyzed by the victim and/or their family (document victim participation as ?restorative therapy?).
3. Patient comes to the ER by ambulance for suture removal or pain prescription refill. (There will be a study as to the effectiveness of this being done ?in the field?).
4. Five members of the ER staff or two physicians (only one needs to be licensed to practice ? M4s are acceptable) certify the patient is a dirtball. Only two staff members or one physician is needed if the patient has propositioned any member of the staff for sexual favors.
5. Patient reports to the ER at 3:00 A.M. for an injury that occurred more than 6 days ago. The time limit is lowered to 2 days if the patient has arrived on the advice of their attorney to be ?checked-out? after a car accident.
6. Maggot count is numerically higher than blood count.
7. The patient?s BAC is greater than 5 times their IQ and they know all of the ER staff on a first name basis.
8. The patient is spitting or screaming and has a positive tattoo-to-tooth ratio.
9. Patient wants a new cast because the old cast melted when 6 bottles of cheap wine spilled on it or it was broken in a fight.
10. Heroin needle broke off in arm.
11. Patient was arrested on outstanding warrants and suddenly remembers an injury that requires immediate hospitalization. (Post-accident DUI arrests will be considered in lieu of warrants if there were other people injured in the accident.)
12. Patient speaks no English until discharged without pain medication, then uses a 4-letter words or other derogatory English lingo.
13. Patient insists on pain medication for a non-discernible injury, then states they are allergic to everything except Demerol and their family doctor is ?out of town? or that they themselves are ?on vacation?.
14. The parent of a pediatric patient who suffers from a lack of food, shelter or love related to that parent?s drug or dating habits may be shot to prevent further reproduction. Please contact the county health department as this is considered a preventative public health measure.
Please note:
? No patients are to be shot without first notifying Urology and Ophthalmology for possible organ donations.
? All dirtballs must be shot in the contamination room.
? Patients may be kept in ER longer than 30 minutes but no longer than 4 hours prior to being shot.
? Target area is at discretion of the ER team unless the patient has groped a staff member or meets criterion #2 (above), in which case only areas certain to be significantly painful and debilitating are acceptable.
? Fatal wounds are in no way discouraged.
The procedure will be documented as ?Inter-[insert body part here] Pb injection as treatment for chronic uselessness or acute wasting of space related to insufficient gene pool depth?. Any individuals stupid enough to admit a familial relationship to the patient will be billed accordingly -see Angie in transcription for the proper billing codes.
