relationship issues

[idealist]

i Know peops have talked about this before, and i usually roll my eyes, but now im stooping to posting online for advice.

i had everything figured out. i was moving to ny for a yr to have a great time before med school, to pursue all the things i had always wanted to do but never got a chance to, to party, all that good stuff. then i was going to go to med school fresh, new, no strings attached. i had just gotten out of a serious relationship, and i had no intentions of getting into another one. but then, 6 months after moving to ny, i met a wonderful boy, who i fought being with for a while, but finally succumbed. i knew i was going to med school, and tho i knew i loved tulane when i met him, i also knew there was a possibility i would still be in ny for med school, and i just couldnt resist him. so now, on one hand, i have my original plan, of deciding on a med school solely based on me and that med school - our own little love affair. but i also have the option of going to downstate, living in brooklyn (where the boy lives), being near my family, and paying less money. tulane inspired me soo much more than downstate, and it just feels more right for me, but staying in ny is so appealing too.

we've only been together 4 months now, which no matter how in love we feel, doesn't seem like long enough to base such a big decision on. right? he's thinking about applying to grad school in NO because loyola happens to have a really good music therapy program (what he's into), but so does NYU, and he isn't Sure how he feels about moving to NO next yr (not this yr, but if we make it thru a yr of long distance strong). so there's no guarantee we could be together after a yr. and we're both very social and have kind of been hobags in the past, so i just dont know if distance would be good for us hedonist types. sigh. i was just so sure i should make this decision completely independently of him, and now im just not so sure anymore. because it seems like if i go to tulane, there is a very good chance we wont make it. i used to think: if it's meant to be, it'll happen, but i don't know if thats true. i think if i went to downstate, we would definitely stay together..so i know med school is a big deal, but so is a relationship, if you think it has a forever component to it. should i go with my individualistic, im going to tulane for me mentality, and let fate decide if we are supposed to be together?

i just feel like if i move down to tulane, i'll prob go a little crazy for a while, want to party a bunch and be a hedonist NOLA style..which is fine, cause we could always come back together. but i cant expect him to move down there if we dont have a strong relationship, even if it is long-distance. this is just all very confusing. sorry to be the relationship person, i know those people are annoying, but if you have any insights on how keeping a long-distance during med school works, let me know. also, he's a teacher right now, so he has most of august off (he's teaching summer school), so he was planning to spend a bunch of time in NOLA with me..but im a little concerned that that's the very beginning of school (tulane starts on aug 4th or 7th or something like that). is it a bad idea to have my boyfriend around then?

thanks people.

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[Smoke This]

i Know peops have talked about this before, and i usually roll my eyes, but now im stooping to posting online for advice.

i had everything figured out. i was moving to ny for a yr to have a great time before med school, to pursue all the things i had always wanted to do but never got a chance to, to party, all that good stuff. then i was going to go to med school fresh, new, no strings attached. i had just gotten out of a serious relationship, and i had no intentions of getting into another one. but then, 6 months after moving to ny, i met a wonderful boy, who i fought being with for a while, but finally succumbed. i knew i was going to med school, and tho i knew i loved tulane when i met him, i also knew there was a possibility i would still be in ny for med school, and i just couldnt resist him. so now, on one hand, i have my original plan, of deciding on a med school solely based on me and that med school - our own little love affair. but i also have the option of going to downstate, living in brooklyn (where the boy lives), being near my family, and paying less money. tulane inspired me soo much more than downstate, and it just feels more right for me, but staying in ny is so appealing too.

we've only been together 4 months now, which no matter how in love we feel, doesn't seem like long enough to base such a big decision on. right? he's thinking about applying to grad school in NO because loyola happens to have a really good music therapy program (what he's into), but so does NYU, and he isn't Sure how he feels about moving to NO next yr (not this yr, but if we make it thru a yr of long distance strong). so there's no guarantee we could be together after a yr. and we're both very social and have kind of been hobags in the past, so i just dont know if distance would be good for us hedonist types. sigh. i was just so sure i should make this decision completely independently of him, and now im just not so sure anymore. because it seems like if i go to tulane, there is a very good chance we wont make it. i used to think: if it's meant to be, it'll happen, but i don't know if thats true. i think if i went to downstate, we would definitely stay together..so i know med school is a big deal, but so is a relationship, if you think it has a forever component to it. should i go with my individualistic, im going to tulane for me mentality, and let fate decide if we are supposed to be together?

i just feel like if i move down to tulane, i'll prob go a little crazy for a while, want to party a bunch and be a hedonist NOLA style..which is fine, cause we could always come back together. but i cant expect him to move down there if we dont have a strong relationship, even if it is long-distance. this is just all very confusing. sorry to be the relationship person, i know those people are annoying, but if you have any insights on how keeping a long-distance during med school works, let me know. also, he's a teacher right now, so he has most of august off (he's teaching summer school), so he was planning to spend a bunch of time in NOLA with me..but im a little concerned that that's the very beginning of school (tulane starts on aug 4th or 7th or something like that). is it a bad idea to have my boyfriend around then?

thanks people.

I think past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. I think you answered your own question. Even if you do stay around NY, either one of you is liable to lose interest in each other just based on the pattern of behavior that you have established for yourselves and operate under.

I'm not trying to insult you or say anything else except that you shouldn't be surprised if this doesn't last, at least that's how I see it. Good luck.

 

[yellowcat322]

It's a toughie. When I was deciding last year I had to choose between Downstate and USC Med. My boyfried of a year at that time was in NY and couldn't leave for a while because of a job so I knew if I chose USC we would be apart for a while. I ended up choosing USC because I loved it so much more than Downstate and I felt my experience there would be better for my carrer in the end and so currently I am in a long-distance relationship. It is way way harder than I expected but I never for a moment doubted that we would make. However, I also know that he;s moving here for me in a couple of months so knowing that made things easier. Plus, by the time I was deciding to move our relationship was strong enough that we were both pretty sure we would end up together. Bottom line is, long distance relationship could be done - but it all depends on how much you WANT to make it work. If you are worried about wanting to be with other guys when you go to Tulane then your relationship with this guy can't mean all that much to you IMHO. Four months is not necessarily too short of a time to be serious about someone, since relationships progress differently for everyone, but do you really want to base your decision of med schools on a guy to whom you can't be sure to stay loyal? IN my opinion you should go where YOU'LL be happiest and let the chips fall where they may with this guy. You never know how things can turn out.

 

[hjt]

I'm a first year as well and have been dealing with issues too...and thinking of moving or leaving school. But, in my case, I'm getting married so that's different. I think that if you can continue med school in Tulane then that's probably okay. Regardless of how the relationship works out, you'll still be in med school. From experience, long distance is really hard..both money and time wise. I guess one advice I was given before regarding thse issues is that there's no way to have it all and have a perfect solution...you just have to figure out priority and find a middle ground if possible.

 

[idealist]

thanks for the advice..i guess i throw people off a little..see, i kind of don't believe in exclusive relationships at this pt in my life, and i may never. i think that you can be in love with someone and want to be with them forever, and still mess around with other people, albeit probably not very often. my last 2 relationships have been technically open, altho i haven't really slept with anyone else because i haven't felt the risk worth it (risk of hurting the other person, etc.) But i think it's way better to make a decision not to do it than to have a rule saying you cant. ive been cheated on before in an exclusive relationship, and i think that rule often provides a false sense of security. it may help tame stray longings, but if someone really wants to mess around with someone else, they're probably going to do it anyway. and if messing around is messing up a relationship, the other person is going to find out anyway. i think in every opportunity/desire to mess around, the person has to decide whether they really want to do it given its consequences, and if the answer is yes, why not. if it isnt going to mess up the relationship etc. i guess, my ideas on this are complex and not neat because i do think it shouldnt be rampant and there are also safety issues involved, but all in all, i dont think it is necessarily a bad sign or a sign of an unhealthy or doomed relationship if a person is tempted to mess around, especially when at a distance from their SO.

aside from that, i do think it's possible i might forget how good this guy is for me if i move away and that i just might find it easier to get engrossed in NO and med school..does that mean im not committed enough to the relationship to make it work? it sounds like he's not willing to have an open relationship if we stay together once i move down there, which i understand altho do not agree with, so i might have to compromise on that..anyway..i guess im not exactly asking a question anymore, just babbling about my situation..

 

[yellowcat322]

thanks for the advice..i guess i throw people off a little..see, i kind of don't believe in exclusive relationships at this pt in my life, and i may never. i think that you can be in love with someone and want to be with them forever, and still mess around with other people, albeit probably not very often. my last 2 relationships have been technically open, altho i haven't really slept with anyone else because i haven't felt the risk worth it (risk of hurting the other person, etc.) But i think it's way better to make a decision not to do it than to have a rule saying you cant. ive been cheated on before in an exclusive relationship, and i think that rule often provides a false sense of security. it may help tame stray longings, but if someone really wants to mess around with someone else, they're probably going to do it anyway. and if messing around is messing up a relationship, the other person is going to find out anyway. i think in every opportunity/desire to mess around, the person has to decide whether they really want to do it given its consequences, and if the answer is yes, why not. if it isnt going to mess up the relationship etc. i guess, my ideas on this are complex and not neat because i do think it shouldnt be rampant and there are also safety issues involved, but all in all, i dont think it is necessarily a bad sign or a sign of an unhealthy or doomed relationship if a person is tempted to mess around, especially when at a distance from their SO.

aside from that, i do think it's possible i might forget how good this guy is for me if i move away and that i just might find it easier to get engrossed in NO and med school..does that mean im not committed enough to the relationship to make it work? it sounds like he's not willing to have an open relationship if we stay together once i move down there, which i understand altho do not agree with, so i might have to compromise on that..anyway..i guess im not exactly asking a question anymore, just babbling about my situation..

Is he willing to have an open relationship if you stay in NY? If he's not up for an open relationship then it sounds like it won't work out either way. Those kinds of things only work if both people are totally cool with having it open.

 

[don juan]

i Know peops have talked about this before, and i usually roll my eyes, but now im stooping to posting online for advice.

i had everything figured out. i was moving to ny for a yr to have a great time before med school, to pursue all the things i had always wanted to do but never got a chance to, to party, all that good stuff. then i was going to go to med school fresh, new, no strings attached. i had just gotten out of a serious relationship, and i had no intentions of getting into another one. but then, 6 months after moving to ny, i met a wonderful boy, who i fought being with for a while, but finally succumbed. i knew i was going to med school, and tho i knew i loved tulane when i met him, i also knew there was a possibility i would still be in ny for med school, and i just couldnt resist him. so now, on one hand, i have my original plan, of deciding on a med school solely based on me and that med school - our own little love affair. but i also have the option of going to downstate, living in brooklyn (where the boy lives), being near my family, and paying less money. tulane inspired me soo much more than downstate, and it just feels more right for me, but staying in ny is so appealing too.

we've only been together 4 months now, which no matter how in love we feel, doesn't seem like long enough to base such a big decision on. right? he's thinking about applying to grad school in NO because loyola happens to have a really good music therapy program (what he's into), but so does NYU, and he isn't Sure how he feels about moving to NO next yr (not this yr, but if we make it thru a yr of long distance strong). so there's no guarantee we could be together after a yr. and we're both very social and have kind of been hobags in the past, so i just dont know if distance would be good for us hedonist types. sigh. i was just so sure i should make this decision completely independently of him, and now im just not so sure anymore. because it seems like if i go to tulane, there is a very good chance we wont make it. i used to think: if it's meant to be, it'll happen, but i don't know if thats true. i think if i went to downstate, we would definitely stay together..so i know med school is a big deal, but so is a relationship, if you think it has a forever component to it. should i go with my individualistic, im going to tulane for me mentality, and let fate decide if we are supposed to be together?

i just feel like if i move down to tulane, i'll prob go a little crazy for a while, want to party a bunch and be a hedonist NOLA style..which is fine, cause we could always come back together. but i cant expect him to move down there if we dont have a strong relationship, even if it is long-distance. this is just all very confusing. sorry to be the relationship person, i know those people are annoying, but if you have any insights on how keeping a long-distance during med school works, let me know. also, he's a teacher right now, so he has most of august off (he's teaching summer school), so he was planning to spend a bunch of time in NOLA with me..but im a little concerned that that's the very beginning of school (tulane starts on aug 4th or 7th or something like that). is it a bad idea to have my boyfriend around then?

thanks people.

Is it possible to be an idealist and a hedonist at the same time?

 

[thegenius]

thanks for the advice..i guess i throw people off a little..see, i kind of don't believe in exclusive relationships at this pt in my life, and i may never. i think that you can be in love with someone and want to be with them forever, and still mess around with other people, albeit probably not very often. my last 2 relationships have been technically open, altho i haven't really slept with anyone else because i haven't felt the risk worth it (risk of hurting the other person, etc.) But i think it's way better to make a decision not to do it than to have a rule saying you cant. ive been cheated on before in an exclusive relationship, and i think that rule often provides a false sense of security. it may help tame stray longings, but if someone really wants to mess around with someone else, they're probably going to do it anyway. and if messing around is messing up a relationship, the other person is going to find out anyway. i think in every opportunity/desire to mess around, the person has to decide whether they really want to do it given its consequences, and if the answer is yes, why not. if it isnt going to mess up the relationship etc. i guess, my ideas on this are complex and not neat because i do think it shouldnt be rampant and there are also safety issues involved, but all in all, i dont think it is necessarily a bad sign or a sign of an unhealthy or doomed relationship if a person is tempted to mess around, especially when at a distance from their SO.

OK, based on this very long-winded explanation on the justification of being in an open-ended relationship at this point in your life, I think you should choose a school that will best fit your career goals. If that's Tulane, then go to Tulane, if it's Downstate, then do that.

The only reason not to go to Tulane is the US Gulf Coast is expected to have another strong Hurricane season. You don't want to wake up one morning and be 10 feet deep in sea water.

 

[thegenius]

thanks for the advice..i guess i throw people off a little..see, i kind of don't believe in exclusive relationships at this pt in my life, and i may never. i think that you can be in love with someone and want to be with them forever, and still mess around with other people, albeit probably not very often. my last 2 relationships have been technically open, altho i haven't really slept with anyone else because i haven't felt the risk worth it (risk of hurting the other person, etc.) But i think it's way better to make a decision not to do it than to have a rule saying you cant. ive been cheated on before in an exclusive relationship, and i think that rule often provides a false sense of security. it may help tame stray longings, but if someone really wants to mess around with someone else, they're probably going to do it anyway. and if messing around is messing up a relationship, the other person is going to find out anyway. i think in every opportunity/desire to mess around, the person has to decide whether they really want to do it given its consequences, and if the answer is yes, why not. if it isnt going to mess up the relationship etc. i guess, my ideas on this are complex and not neat because i do think it shouldnt be rampant and there are also safety issues involved, but all in all, i dont think it is necessarily a bad sign or a sign of an unhealthy or doomed relationship if a person is tempted to mess around, especially when at a distance from their SO.

OK, based on this very long-winded explanation on the justification of being in an open-ended relationship at this point in your life, I think you should choose a school that will best fit your career goals. If that's Tulane, then go to Tulane, if it's Downstate, then do that.

The only reason not to go to Tulane is the US Gulf Coast is expected to have another strong Hurricane season. You don't want to wake up one morning and be 10 feet deep in sea water.

 

[ForbiddenComma]

What is this "relationship" thing that people keep talking about??