relationships

[chickens]

---

Members do not see this ad.

Has anyone had to end a relationship to go to med school? I just ended one...anyone else relate?

 

[OSUdoc08]

Has anyone had to end a relationship to go to med school? I just ended one...anyone else relate?

That doesn't make any sense.

Most people continue their relationships in medical school---short or long distance.

I don't see how you "had to end a relationship to go to med school."

 

[MossPoh]

That doesn't make any sense.

Most people continue their relationships in medical school---short or long distance.

I don't see how you "had to end a relationship to go to med school."

I can see it...sometimes the relationships aren't substainable because of distance....whether it be because it was never very strong to begin with or just a very very physical relationship. Same reason people break up when they get jobs in different areas of the country after college, or whatever else. Long distance is very easy to handle. I've been away for 5 months and it is killing me...that being said no I can't relate...first because I didn't break up with my gf, and second because I'm not in medical school anyway.

 

[chickens]

Thanks for the second reply, the first one did not help much at all. Moving many states apart, medical school, and a relationship without being married seemed really hard for me. I have begun to wonder if anyone did long distance without being married and having it be successful...any helpful thoughts? Please no more comments such as, "that makes no sense." A comment like that does not help at all.

 

[bbgirl]

Has anyone had to end a relationship to go to med school? I just ended one...anyone else relate?

I did not end mine, so I am not speaking from personal experience, though I could possibly understand. My brother is in law school and about to transfer to another. He ended his 4-5 year relationship because she didn't fully support his passion (Law). Your goals are important and you need to have someone who fully supports you. In that case I could very much understand, but if it's just b/c it's hard to do the long distance thing, that could be a different story. LD-relationships take work, but they can help build stronger foundation. I'm sorry for your breakup. Good luck in med school and if it was meant to be, give it time (apart).

 

[OSUdoc08]

Thanks for the second reply, the first one did not help much at all. Moving many states apart, medical school, and a relationship without being married seemed really hard for me. I have begun to wonder if anyone did long distance without being married and having it be successful...any helpful thoughts? Please no more comments such as, "that makes no sense." A comment like that does not help at all.

This DOES happen, but I'm not sure it's relevant now, since you already ended the relationship.

 

[erleichda]

Thanks for the second reply, the first one did not help much at all. Moving many states apart, medical school, and a relationship without being married seemed really hard for me. I have begun to wonder if anyone did long distance without being married and having it be successful...any helpful thoughts? Please no more comments such as, "that makes no sense." A comment like that does not help at all.

i was in a long distance relationship for 3 years of college. if your relationship is strong, you can make it. personally i don't think being married would make a difference. it's just a paper and it doesn't change how much you love each other and want to stay together.

 

[lainy105]

I was in a long-distance relationship for a year, and my boyfriend ended it for the same reason you did--hard to be away, yada yada...

the way i take it is, you just don't love this person enough. if you did, nothing in the world would make you break up with them. If the relationship is strong enough, and if you can see yourself marrying this person, it's definitely worth fighting for, long-distance, medical school, and whatever else.

p.s. a friend of mine's girlfriend is in RUSSIA and they're totally in love, talk on the phone every night. they've been long-distance for a year now, and they just got engaged. Long distance is hard, but worth it if the person is worth it.

 

[n0chi]

sorry to hear that you had to go through a break up... good thing it happened after you got into med school at least... mine happened during college.... so you can just imagine the consquences lol.
just remain focused on your future and dont think too much about the past. looking back will only make you more hurt and make you regret more... just look forward and have faith that the right peron is out there 😉

 

[Jamers]

Has anyone had to end a relationship to go to med school? I just ended one...anyone else relate?

I am going to medical school in IA while my gf of four years is staying here in PA. We spent our first two years in high school (close) and then the other two years in college in different parts of the state (we had a brief break up in between). Long distance relationships can work, if you both are willing. However, not everyone is suited for them and, over time, the love they felt when they were close starts to fade. Oh well, enough of my sappy talk.

 

[spo01]

I was in a long-distance relationship for a year, and my boyfriend ended it for the same reason you did--hard to be away, yada yada...

the way i take it is, you just don't love this person enough. if you did, nothing in the world would make you break up with them. If the relationship is strong enough, and if you can see yourself marrying this person, it's definitely worth fighting for, long-distance, medical school, and whatever else.
p.s. a friend of mine's girlfriend is in RUSSIA and they're totally in love, talk on the phone every night. they've been long-distance for a year now, and they just got engaged. Long distance is hard, but worth it if the person is worth it.

this is what it really boils down to. i agree 100%. if you honestly are in love you can make it work. for me, i am breaking up with my gf (been dating over a year) just to go to post bac for 2 years where i'll be 6-7 hours away (then i will have med school). could i make it work if i wanted to? absolutely. it would be tough, but it could work. she wants me to try to make it work, but i honestly don't. i love the girl to death and love spending time with her, but when i honestly examine the relationship i don't believe i've found my soul mate.

i've been in enough relationships to come up to a few main points:
1) you always think the person you're with is the 'one' and that you will find noone better
2) relating to #1, 99% of the time you will meet someone better
3) if you are sensitive and easily hurt, a relationship maybe the last thing you want at medical school! at this time in your life, your schooling is number 1. try telling your sweetie that on valentines day.
4) this one is interesting and i havent thought of a name for it, perhaps the 'small world' theory, or 'lack of options, so i'll play with what i got' theory. i'm sure you have experienced it or know of friends who have: it seems anyone can fall in love with anyone given enough time. for example, i live in a small dinky town. yet, all my friends who finally started dating another person in the town fell in love and married with the first person they met. point is, you can fall in love very easily, but this love can be deceiving and not real. keep your options open and explore the sea.

bottom line is, you'll be meeting SO many new people at med school or post bac, so if you are going to try to work it out long distance, you better make sure the person is damn worth it =) i hate to sound cynical, but it's true. but take everything on this forum with a grain of salt because we can't tell you what to do as we don't know how you feel about the person. however, if they are the one, don't let them get away.

 

[FutureDocDO]

i was in a long distance relationship for 3 years of college. if your relationship is strong, you can make it. personally i don't think being married would make a difference. it's just a paper and it doesn't change how much you love each other and want to stay together.

👍 It makes for a good excuse though.

 

[Hardbody]

Stay or become single!

 

[Jamers]

Stay or become single!

Go or become paired! I don't know I am just as confused by the above as you are 😕 😕

 

[MossPoh]

Yea..the circumstances that a relationship happens kind of makes things different. If you were together for 3 years then a year apart isn't that much....but my case I dated the girl for about 3 months and then we made it official WHILE I was in Germany. That combined with the fact she wants to wait till marriage which I find admirable but I'm not exactly the um....most innoccent type makes things even tougher AND only seeing each other for a week or two ever few months once school starts anyway. She asked me one day "If you went to medschool somewhere really far away from where I went to dental school, and then got a residency and we couldn't be together all that time what would you do?".....we have those unspoken honesty promise which I knew would screw me over in this case and I replied "You mean at least 8 years apart barely being able to see each other during one of the most stressful points of my life?" "yes......." " Then I'd probably break up..I love you but do you have any idea how long that is"...didn't really make her too happy. I mean the romantic movie ideal is great but physical contact is a HUGE part of a relationship...at least for males (any guy that says otherwise is a damn liar..doesn't mean sex just being around)....is it possible...yes but there is a point when no matter how much I like a girl if I am away long enough that biological part just kicks in and I start scanning every girl around...which never leads to any good. I am not a sex addict by any means but I've discovered it happening here in Germany even after this time..it is impossible to do ANYTHING without looking at a girl..and then feeling guilty later..guilt takes a toll after a while as well....What can one do? You can take yourself out of those situations which for me here as pretty much destroyed my experience. If I continue a longterm relationship with her it is well worth it but otherwise these nights of watching t.v. by myself and reading books rather than going to clubs and talking to cute german girls (which are more apt to talk to an american guy than german guys) or whatever else....tangent I know. Life is unpredictable sometimes breaking up is a blessing in disguise and sometimes it is a nightmare.

 

[erleichda]

i think that's totally understandable. i'm a girl, and i don't think that you need to defend yourself and say that you're not a sex addict. physical contact is a huge part of the relationship. otherwise, long distance relationships wouldn't really be called "long distance" since you can do everything besides touch each other. i think it's important for everyone not just for guys. i think the only reason i was able to continue a 3 year long distance relationship with my boyfriend is because i was busy studying and he's 30 years old. i guess he was able to wait it out because he's ready to settle down and i wasn't really out there meeting new people while locked away in a library. if i was an english major with not pre-med courses there is no way it would work. it was science that saved us. 😉

it sounds like you have a very difficult decision to make. good luck.

Yea..the circumstances that a relationship happens kind of makes things different. If you were together for 3 years then a year apart isn't that much....but my case I dated the girl for about 3 months and then we made it official WHILE I was in Germany. That combined with the fact she wants to wait till marriage which I find admirable but I'm not exactly the um....most innoccent type makes things even tougher AND only seeing each other for a week or two ever few months once school starts anyway. She asked me one day "If you went to medschool somewhere really far away from where I went to dental school, and then got a residency and we couldn't be together all that time what would you do?".....we have those unspoken honesty promise which I knew would screw me over in this case and I replied "You mean at least 8 years apart barely being able to see each other during one of the most stressful points of my life?" "yes......." " Then I'd probably break up..I love you but do you have any idea how long that is"...didn't really make her too happy. I mean the romantic movie ideal is great but physical contact is a HUGE part of a relationship...at least for males (any guy that says otherwise is a damn liar..doesn't mean sex just being around)....is it possible...yes but there is a point when no matter how much I like a girl if I am away long enough that biological part just kicks in and I start scanning every girl around...which never leads to any good. I am not a sex addict by any means but I've discovered it happening here in Germany even after this time..it is impossible to do ANYTHING without looking at a girl..and then feeling guilty later..guilt takes a toll after a while as well....What can one do? You can take yourself out of those situations which for me here as pretty much destroyed my experience. If I continue a longterm relationship with her it is well worth it but otherwise these nights of watching t.v. by myself and reading books rather than going to clubs and talking to cute german girls (which are more apt to talk to an american guy than german guys) or whatever else....tangent I know. Life is unpredictable sometimes breaking up is a blessing in disguise and sometimes it is a nightmare.

 

[Stratus2675]

Has anyone had to end a relationship to go to med school? I just ended one...anyone else relate?

I did the same. Not really my choice, but she couldnt handle the thought of me having to put her second in my life. Its really a blessing since I will have less distractions, but it still stings a little since we were together for 1.5 years and we got along very well.

Oh well, there's plenty of fish in the sea.

 

[USArmyDoc]

I did the same. Not really my choice, but she couldnt handle the thought of me having to put her second in my life. Its really a blessing since I will have less distractions, but it still stings a little since we were together for 1.5 years and we got along very well.

Oh well, there's plenty of fish in the sea.

Maybe I am naive, but why must you guys end relationships. Medical school is EXTREMELY important, but it is possible to have a relationship while keeping every prioritized.

 

[Dr Trek 1]

Maybe I am naive, but why must you guys end relationships. Medical school is EXTREMELY important, but it is possible to have a relationship while keeping every prioritized.

👍

I would even say that a quality relationship while going into and during medical school can help and support you dramatically. All depends on the type of person you are, however.

Remember, medical school will be over before you know it. Quality relationships last a lifetime.

 

[hermit]

It sucks now because it just happened. You won't even have time to think about it once you start class - don't sweat it. Rest assured that things would likely not have worked out and you would have been miserable throughout school. Even if people stay together for extended periods apart, the relationship is never the same when they are reunited. I could see it if you were going to see each other ever two weekends or something but your schedule isn't going to allow for that. You made a difficult choice and will be stronger for it.

 

[Dr Trek 1]

It sucks now because it just happened. You won't even have time to think about it once you start class - don't sweat it. Rest assured that things would likely not have worked out and you would have been miserable throughout school. Even if people stay together for extended periods apart, the relationship is never the same when they are reunited. I could see it if you were going to see each other ever two weekends or something but your schedule isn't going to allow for that. You made a difficult choice and will be stronger for it.

What is up with all the pessimism on this board?

Contary to popular belief, you will have free time during medical school, although not as much as you are probably used to. It is not a sweat shop. Keep in mind that you will have plenty of time to post on SDN, if nothing else. This is evidenced by millions of posts

We are human beings, social beings. It is social contact that keeps us alive and healthy, and this is not limited to study group contact and anatomy lab group contact.

If you and your s.o. really love each other, you will find a way to make it work and it will make you happier during med. school.

 

[Gabby]

Rest assured that things would likely not have worked out and you would have been miserable throughout school. Even if people stay together for extended periods apart, the relationship is never the same when they are reunited.

That's not always true. My fiance and I have been long distance for a few years now due to my career and now, my post-bacc/living situation. The first few years of relationship, we were inseparable. He even moved in with me for a while. When I left, I knew it was better if he stayed because (a) he has his own business as a private music teacher, (b) he owns his own house outright, so no mortgage/rent, and (c) I wanted to return, so I figured it would be silly for him to follow me around the country just so we could go back to where we were.

I had my doubts about the long distance thing, but I realize now that we have a much stronger relationship today than we had ever before. We have unlimited long distance on our landlines and free nights and weekends on our cells. We talk on the phone for hours a day every day, we watch TV shows together sometimes, etc. He flies down to see me every four-six weeks or so.

This November, we will have been together 7 years and we plan to get married as soon as I move back to where he is (hopefully for med school).

 

[Dr Trek 1]

That's not always true. My fiance and I have been long distance for a few years now due to my career and now, my post-bacc/living situation. The first few years of relationship, we were inseparable. He even moved in with me for a while. When I left, I knew it was better if he stayed because (a) he has his own business as a private music teacher, (b) he owns his own house outright, so no mortgage/rent, and (c) I wanted to return, so I figured it would be silly for him to follow me around the country just so we could go back to where we were.

I had my doubts about the long distance thing, but I realize now that we have a much stronger relationship today than we had ever before. We have unlimited long distance on our landlines and free nights and weekends on our cells. We talk on the phone for hours a day every day, we watch TV shows together sometimes, etc. He flies down to see me every four-six weeks or so.

This November, we will have been together 7 years and we plan to get married as soon as I move back to where he is (hopefully for med school).

👍 👍 👍

This relationship will help you greatly in med school. Congrats on the probable marriage!

 

[tigre21]

What is up with all the pessimism on this board?

Contary to popular belief, you will have free time during medical school, although not as much as you are probably used to. It is not a sweat shop. Keep in mind that you will have plenty of time to post on SDN, if nothing else. This is evidenced by millions of posts

We are human beings, social beings. It is social contact that keeps us alive and healthy, and this is not limited to study group contact and anatomy lab group contact.

If you and your s.o. really love each other, you will find a way to make it work and it will make you happier during med. school.

👍 👍 🙂

 

[Gabby]

👍 👍 👍

This relationship will help you greatly in med school. Congrats on the probable marriage!

Thanks! I appreciate it!

 

[USArmyDoc]

I agree with Dr. Trek. What is with all this pessimism? Almost everyone counts out a relationship in medical school. I think thats rediculous. Despite the popular belief that med students are work-aholics, we are still people! 😉
It is just as important or MORE to be involved with someone that cares for you and your goals while you are in medical school.

 

[MossPoh]

i think that's totally understandable. i'm a girl, and i don't think that you need to defend yourself and say that you're not a sex addict. physical contact is a huge part of the relationship. otherwise, long distance relationships wouldn't really be called "long distance" since you can do everything besides touch each other. i think it's important for everyone not just for guys. i think the only reason i was able to continue a 3 year long distance relationship with my boyfriend is because i was busy studying and he's 30 years old. i guess he was able to wait it out because he's ready to settle down and i wasn't really out there meeting new people while locked away in a library. if i was an english major with not pre-med courses there is no way it would work. it was science that saved us. 😉

it sounds like you have a very difficult decision to make. good luck.

Haha and thanks ..and yea I do...It is amazing how fast girls master the guilt trip. She isn't even a jewish girl like I normally go for and she is great at it....

 

[Oculus Sinistra]

Has anyone had to end a relationship to go to med school? I just ended one...anyone else relate?

I didn't end a relationship for medical school -- I'm not in medical school or starting this year -- but I was in a long-distance relationship for almost four years.

Your connection, trust, and respect for each other definitely have to be very strong. I've always felt that to be successful in any relationship, long-distance or otherwise, you have to first be okay with being alone. You have to be able to go to the movies or out to dinner all by yourself and be okay with it.

Can an LD relationship work? Yes.
Does it suck? Yes.
Do you wish you weren't in one? Sometimes.
Do you hate rearranging your day around an incoming phone call? Yes.
But you do it.
And when you get to spend time with them, in person, it allllll becomes worth it.

I understand people's decisions to end relationships before medical school. From what I know of it, it's an all-consuming endeavor and people who aren't in medical school or a comparable program (e.g. pharmacy, law, etc) aren't going to understand why you can't make more time for them.

If you're going to continue the relationship, you better have a looooooooong talk about what's going to happen. Hopefully your SO has some definite hobbies and a job to keep their mind busy...

 

[MicroBugs]

I didn't end a relationship for medical school -- I'm not in medical school or starting this year -- but I was in a long-distance relationship for almost four years.

Your connection, trust, and respect for each other definitely have to be very strong. I've always felt that to be successful in any relationship, long-distance or otherwise, you have to first be okay with being alone. You have to be able to go to the movies or out to dinner all by yourself and be okay with it.

Can an LD relationship work? Yes.
Does it suck? Yes.
Do you wish you weren't in one? Sometimes.
Do you hate rearranging your day around an incoming phone call? Yes.
But you do it.
And when you get to spend time with them, in person, it allllll becomes worth it.

I understand people's decisions to end relationships before medical school. From what I know of it, it's an all-consuming endeavor and people who aren't in medical school or a comparable program (e.g. pharmacy, law, etc) aren't going to understand why you can't make more time for them.

If you're going to continue the relationship, you better have a looooooooong talk about what's going to happen. Hopefully your SO has some definite hobbies and a job to keep their mind busy...

I completely agree with that. I did a LD relationship with my BF for 2 years in college while he was stationed in Japan. Thank god I had school to keep me busy. Now again, he's sailing around and I'm back home working on the masters. We face the very real possibility of another 2 yr separation next year if med school and his next assignment don't match up. It sucks. But as long as you're busy and you are okay with being alone, knowing what's to come in the future, it is doable. If your SO isn't as busy, they need to understand about your commitments. It CAN work. We're married now and very happy.

 

[Dr Trek 1]

I just wanted to point out that I know plenty of people who have non-LD relationships (i.e. they live within 5 minutes of each other) and are in a horrible relationship.

It all depends on the people in the relationship and what they are willing to sacrafice for each other.

 

[Doc Martins]

Depending on if/where I get accepted, I may have a big problem. I'm getting married June of next year and my fiancee wants kids more than anything. He's almost 30 and doesn't want to wait until he's closing in on 40 to have kids. I can completely understand that... but what do I do since I don't even know what will happen in the next year? I'm only 23 so waiting to have kids isn't an issue age-wise for me. I want kids but not as urgently and badly as him.

He says that if I have to go away for school, he would be fine with me leaving him with a baby 😱 , because he has a great job in NYC that pays well. Leaving NY would probably not be an option because he is working to make money for our future. Since I won't be making money during school, this is important... but what does one do in a situation like this??

I can't imagine how difficult it would be for me to have a baby and leave it while I'm in medical school in possibly another state. I'll admit I've been pushing off this issue for a while (years) because it's too difficult to deal with. But now it's right in front of me and I cannot avoid it. Basically, it's a clash or our dreams... mine to go to med school and his to have kids.

No matter how much I try to explain that I can't make a decision right now, he wants to know by the time we get married what I'm going to do. I want him to be happy no matter what, and it may take me leaving behind a baby to do that... as horrible as it sounds.

Then again, this may not even be an issue if I get into a school in the area where we can live together.

 

[bbgirl]

First things first, don't do something that doesn't make you happy, like leaving your baby to live hours away. He needs to support you and your needs too, especially during this important time. I am engaged too and my fiance is moving up in a few months, but I understand that he probably has a job where he can't transfer that easily. I would talk with him and tell him how you feel too. Plus, you can always transfer if you decide to have a baby. In four years he'll be 33-34 and you could do your residency where he is. You won't want to miss any of your baby's life. You also shouldn't be guilted into having a baby before you (the one who has to carry this baby for almost ten months) are ready. Don't forget that many women have complications where they need to be on bed rest for months--and then you need to recover. It sounds like he is not really thinking about what you need and what this all really means. I'm actually thinking about having a baby later in med school, but I am also considering what could happen.

 

[EpiCam]

Thank you MossPoh for your honest reply. If you can't be with someone for an extended period of time, and all your relationship amounts to is phone calls and internet/ web cam chatting, then you might as well call yourself "really good friends."

It's really hard to live a dual life (long distance relationship). My ex-boyfriend and I broke up after trying long distance for 8 months. The only way you can justify continuing this kind of relationship is 1) if there is an end point to the long distance in the near-ish future and/ or 2) your significant other makes you so happy...you couldn't imagine life without him/her... then long distance can work.

When it comes down to it, one person usually has to make a sacrifice to move to the same location as the other.

Yea..the circumstances that a relationship happens kind of makes things different. If you were together for 3 years then a year apart isn't that much....but my case I dated the girl for about 3 months and then we made it official WHILE I was in Germany. That combined with the fact she wants to wait till marriage which I find admirable but I'm not exactly the um....most innoccent type makes things even tougher AND only seeing each other for a week or two ever few months once school starts anyway. She asked me one day "If you went to medschool somewhere really far away from where I went to dental school, and then got a residency and we couldn't be together all that time what would you do?".....we have those unspoken honesty promise which I knew would screw me over in this case and I replied "You mean at least 8 years apart barely being able to see each other during one of the most stressful points of my life?" "yes......." " Then I'd probably break up..I love you but do you have any idea how long that is"...didn't really make her too happy. I mean the romantic movie ideal is great but physical contact is a HUGE part of a relationship...at least for males (any guy that says otherwise is a damn liar..doesn't mean sex just being around)....is it possible...yes but there is a point when no matter how much I like a girl if I am away long enough that biological part just kicks in and I start scanning every girl around...which never leads to any good. I am not a sex addict by any means but I've discovered it happening here in Germany even after this time..it is impossible to do ANYTHING without looking at a girl..and then feeling guilty later..guilt takes a toll after a while as well....What can one do? You can take yourself out of those situations which for me here as pretty much destroyed my experience. If I continue a longterm relationship with her it is well worth it but otherwise these nights of watching t.v. by myself and reading books rather than going to clubs and talking to cute german girls (which are more apt to talk to an american guy than german guys) or whatever else....tangent I know. Life is unpredictable sometimes breaking up is a blessing in disguise and sometimes it is a nightmare.

 

[OSUdoc08]

You have to decide what is more important to you right now. If you are with someone who you intend to marry, then some thinking will be involved. If you don't intend on marrying them, them drop them like a bad habit.

To use myself as an example, my career is of supreme importance to me, and I would not let any relationship disturb that until my training is complete.

Think about how long you have been working on your career in medicine and relate to the amount of time you have been with the person you are dating. The time skew is obvious here.

 

[jace's mom]

I think a good relationship can really help while you're in medical school, if it's well-founded..."established", if you will. My husband and I will celebrate our 11th anniversary this month, and we've already worked through a lot of the early stage jitters that can put such a strain on a relationship. We had to undergo a long-distance thing last year, and while it was tough, we managed. It made seeing each other at the end even sweeter!

As for soul mates and being married (and yes, this is just one woman's opinion)...I sure didn't know after a year that he was my soul mate. I think I was too busy adjusting to life with another person to care! Sometime after about year six, after his near-death experience that left him in a coma for awhile, and after the miscarriage, and after the four kids with the stomach flu all at once with no running plumbing in the house because the city broke a water pipe, and after our college graduations in which we were so proud of ourselves that we couldn't speak, and after laughing together at things that are our own secret jokes...well you get the idea. Sometime after all that I realized how incredibly blessed I am that this man is sharing life with me. Soul mate? I don't know, but shared soul experience and commitment, yes. And as for being married, no it's not everything but there were terrible days when that piece of paper was all that kept me from walking.

So in answer to the original question, there's no way in the world I would end my relationship to go to med school. And even if he and I were just starting out, I wouldn't have wanted to end it. Think of what I would have missed! Med school is just school...it's not life. And sometimes to live life, you just have to take a deep breath and jump on in.

OP, I didn't say this to make you feel bad. It sounds like you're fairly sure this was the right decision for you, but I do want to encourage you that maybe someday in the future you'll be ready for more than what medicine alone can offer you. Take it, and live each day just as best as you can. That will give you the best reward you could ever ask for. Absolutely the best of luck to you as you start school!