"reverse" kind of roles

[vixen]

Ok, I'm wondering if any females on here are going to/or are already in med or dental school. I plan on going to dental school next fall, but my boyfriend of 2yrs is uncertain of what to do w/his life...(we both graduated last year). Anyways, I feel kind of torn...my heart says to just worry about myself and see what happens and my mind tells me not to settle. This has always been a worry, but lately its gotten worse because I feel a lot more focused now and he still seems a little more lost.

I don't know if I'm doing more harm or helping, but sometimes I do the research for him...like we talk about what he's interested in and then I look up programs or schools in that area and email him websites, etc. It sounds stupid, but I don't want to break up w/him because he's not working hard...I don't care what job he has, as long as he works hard and is actually applying himself (i.e. not trying to get a job that someone w/out a college degree could apply for)...anyways, I'm gonna stop rambling and ask if anyone else is in a similar situation? Thanks

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[JJ4]

simseema -- you're indian right? Do your parents know about your boyfriend??? oooooohhh I'm going to tell

naa i'm just playing. Just tell your man what you think and then see what happens...he's probably just tired and wants to chill a bit.

Don't be his mom/boss though. That could really hurt his self-worth in the long run. Give the dude some time

 

[Henna]

May be he just needs sometime to figure things out. Best not to push .

 

[vixen]

luckily since I'm gonna be busy for some time, I don't have too much time to think about this...but I guess you guys are right, maybe I should give him some more time...I just feel like a year after school is enough time...I don't know...maybe some married folk want to respond? Anyways, thanks for telling me to chill out guys...sometimes I need to hear that

P.S. Yes JJ4, I'm Indian, and my parents know about my boyfriend...he's half Italian and half Panamanian...they're ok w/him as long as he goes on, finishes some more school (grad or prof school) and has a decent job...so I feel like this is the ONLY way it will work, otherwise it'll be fighting an uphill battle, when I'm not even totally happy w/him...*sigh* <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="frown.gif" />

 

[JJ4]

Hmm so he's not Indian. Yea with Indian parents it's perhaps going to be an uphill battle unless he really strikes it big. Well, I dunno much about this relationship thing anyway but I think you need to really sort out your priorities.

 

[Wifty]

•••quote:•••Originally posted by simseema17:
•otherwise it'll be fighting an uphill battle, when I'm not even totally happy w/him...*sigh* •••••What an uncomfortable place to be especially when you should be able to just be excited about dental school!

I think the above quote is telling though. Only you know how happy/unhappy you are with him, but if he doesn't seem worth the effort, you might want to reconsider your relationship. Or, at the very least, don't let your relationship interfere with your life plans.
Go to the school that you want and get into. Tell him (if you want to) that he can come and find his next step in life there. Theres an old saying that basically says that if you don't stand up and make decsions for your life, someone else will. So, be that person.
At the worst, he won't be happy with that and won't go but you will be at a place you will be happy and can move on freely.
At the best (maybe), he will go and find something that sparks his interest/passion and you will be somewhere where you will be happy.

If he already had goals and an idea of where he wanted to be, then I would say that you should compromise and go someplace where both of you can get your needs met. But don't compromise for someone that isn't worth compromising for.....you will only kick yourself in the end.

Just my tuppence,
Wifty

 

[vixen]

thanks for the advice wifty. I *think* I've decided on what I'm going to do...the last year of our relationship has been long distance anyways (NYC and syracuse), so that won't be the hurdle. I've decided to focus on myself and by the time dental school comes around, if he isn't already in grad school or has turned around and made some decisions w/his future, then I'll have to enter school single. If things change by then, I'll be happy Him and I have talked about it 1000x and he knows what he has to do and he says he doesn't want to lose me and he's ready to accept the fact that he has to deal with his future, and not keep putting it off...hopefully he'll live up to what he says...I told him, my heart is there for him and I want to believe him, but the only way I can have faith in him is for him to show me...I'm past the talking...

anyways, enough rambling...thanks guys...thank the lord for SDN!!

 

[TheJurisDoctor]

Simseema,

I would highly advise against "helping" him out by looking into programs and getting information on jobs, schools, etc. If he really wanted to do it, he could find those for himself. I dont mean to be judgmental, but from the few thoughts u have posted, it seems as if u are more interested in changing him into someone that is career-driven when in reality he may just be comfortable being where he is. If he isnt adding up, as hard as it is, you may have to go the single route. I spent my first year of law school dating a guy who didnt even have a college degree, and believe me it definitely opened my eyes to want I really wanted from a relationship. And if you truly want a guy that applies himself and works hard then go for it!!! Best of luck!

 

[vixen]

thanks J.D.

Yes, I think I'm one the fence w/this, and I'll see what happens...I'm not interfering anymore...I knew I was doing the wrong thing, yet I was doing it anyway...

From the kind of person he is, I *hope* things work out, but you're right, I can't change him...if he does this stuff himself, great, otherwise I need to tell myself "this is not what I'm looking for"....

Since I don't start dental school for awhile, I think I'll see how things go for awhile, but I'm def. seeing things w/more perspective now...

thanks for the advice...actually I'm really glad you said that...

I knew that wasn't the right thing to do...argh, I hate investing time and effort into things and then being so uncertain 2 yrs later....argh!

 

[Kimya]

It sounds like you are at different points in your life. I did want to say that a person's success in career and life isn't dependent on whether they go to graduate school/enter a prestigious profession. This is not required to lead a successful happy life. However, it sounds like an important criteria for you in a partner. Because you have found something does not mean that he will do the same, and trying to force him to be something he is not will probably lead to unhappiness for both of you.

It sounds like you are very honest with yourself and what you want, that sounds like the best recipe for finding the best relationship for you. Best of luck in whatever you decide!