Ridiculous parent

Getting into Med School is Hard? Not with BeMo.
This forum made possible through the generous support of SDN members, donors, and sponsors. Thank you.
Handy388

Handy388

Membership Revoked
Removed
10+ Year Member
15+ Year Member
Joined
Jan 27, 2008
Messages
1,053
Reaction score
1
So I have recieved one acceptance at a lower ranked US allo school (according to the US news, not my personal opinion, I love the school).

There is only one problem. One of my parent is a serious "asian parent" and swear to the US news ranking list (never mind the fit)

She began to constantly belittle me for getting into a school that happened to not be Yale, UCSF or UCSD. never mind the fact that I think that particular school is an excellent fit for me.

Now everytime I come home, I have to deal with constant arguments.

"mom, I like to choose a school base on the amount of fin aid or tuition so I won't be as indebt"

"NO YOU MUST GO TO THE HIGHEST RANKED SCHOOL" (irregardless of the fact that I will have to be very, very much more indebt)

She doesn't really understand the concept of fit.

I already made the mistake of going to an undergrad by rank, and was miserable in it. How would you guys deal with this problem?

UPDATE:

I ended up becoming accepted into a top 20 school that happened to be CHEAPER than the lower tier first acceptance. The first acceptance was a smaller private college in a COLD COLD COLD location. I would go there in a heartbeat if I didn't have other choices because interview day impressed me so much.

I gained another acceptance beside the top 20, but this middle tier school is mind bogglingly expensive, costing 15k per year more than the top 20 school.

But a 80 or so increase in rank/NIH funding (I like research and want to go into academic medicine) and 5k lower tuition per year made the choice pretty obvious.

It boggles my mind why schools with more reputation have even lower tuition, massive endowment, perhaps. You would think lower ranked school is cheaper to attract more matriculants.
Members don't see this ad.
 
Last edited:
Go to the school that you want to go to and that will put you less in debt. Period.

Unless they are financing your education, your parents should have little say in what school you choose. It's going to be hard, but eventually they will come around and get used to the idea of you not going to a "top ranked" school.
 
I also had crazy asian parents. But I did well in school and just ignored them. Then they realize that you will make acceptable decisions on your own regardless of what they say. That being said, just ignore them and go to your med school, do well and get into a great residency program. No matter how crazy your parents are, I can't think of one parent that would not be proud during your white coat ceremony.

In my opinion, going to ANY US medical school is an amazing feat in itself and should be lauded.
 
Members don't see this ad :)
well I don't know what it's like to be in an asian family and seriously don't mean any disrespect but I would let your mom know if she doesn't like your particular school tell her to get you an acceptance to a better one, and then you can continue to "argue".
 
How about inviting your parents to the second-look weekend so that they can see the campuses for themselves? If they see how wonderful your first-choice school is, maybe they'll relent.
 
Handy388 said:
So I have recieved one acceptance at a lower ranked US allo school (according to the US news, not my personal opinion, I love the school).

There is only one problem. One of my parent is a serious "asian parent" and swear to the US news ranking list (never mind the fit)

She began to constantly belittle me for getting into a school that happened to not be Yale, UCSF or UCSD. never mind the fact that I think that particular school is an excellent fit for me.

Now everytime I come home, I have to deal with constant arguments.

"mom, I like to choose a school base on the amount of fin aid or tuition so I won't be as indebt"

"NO YOU MUST GO TO THE HIGHEST RANKED SCHOOL" (irregardless of the fact that I will have to be very, very much more indebt)

She doesn't really understand the concept of fit.

I already made the mistake of going to an undergrad by rank, and was miserable in it. How would you guys deal with this problem?
Click to expand...

Holy crap...that IS ridiculous!!! Um IMO its your life..do what you want. They should be proud of you and realize you've made an amazing accomplishment. If they won't say good job, I sure will.


Good job!!!
 
If she's paying, fine she has a say. If she's not, too bad, it's your life. I think a hard-line stance works. If you give in, then she'll keep on doing this forever. You have to take control of your own life. Your parents will come around and accept your decision.
 
I will be making the decision myself, but constantly nagging drag my spirit down.

I've been independent for years, but I just can't stand the talk. Yet she can't understand why I don't want to live with her for the next 5 month.

I am just incrediblly frustrated with this whole medical school ranking situation. In the country where I am from, medical professions are not considered to be very competitive to enter and in fact, there are some truly trashy medical schools. I just cannot convey the fact that US allo schools are ALL EXCELLENT to her head. She doesn't understand the concept of "fit" at all.
 
OP, my mom is rank obsessed, too, and so are her friends. i think it helps to explain the rank system to them and how a lot of the things that go into it probably won't even affect you. once i did, my mom sort of backed off.
 
Handy388 said:
So I have recieved one acceptance at a lower ranked US allo school (according to the US news, not my personal opinion, I love the school).

There is only one problem. One of my parent is a serious "asian parent" and swear to the US news ranking list (never mind the fit)

She began to constantly belittle me for getting into a school that happened to not be Yale, UCSF or UCSD. never mind the fact that I think that particular school is an excellent fit for me.

Now everytime I come home, I have to deal with constant arguments.

"mom, I like to choose a school base on the amount of fin aid or tuition so I won't be as indebt"

"NO YOU MUST GO TO THE HIGHEST RANKED SCHOOL" (irregardless of the fact that I will have to be very, very much more indebt)

She doesn't really understand the concept of fit.

I already made the mistake of going to an undergrad by rank, and was miserable in it. How would you guys deal with this problem?
Click to expand...

I don't know about you but I'm a grown-ass man, so I'd go where I choose to go. If your mom gets upset about it, that sucks, but its your life and she doesn't have to go through med. school. Part of being an adult is making your own decisions on your own, even if your parents disagree with them.
 
Handy388 said:
So I have recieved one acceptance at a lower ranked US allo school (according to the US news, not my personal opinion, I love the school).

There is only one problem. One of my parent is a serious "asian parent" and swear to the US news ranking list (never mind the fit)

She began to constantly belittle me for getting into a school that happened to not be Yale, UCSF or UCSD. never mind the fact that I think that particular school is an excellent fit for me.

Now everytime I come home, I have to deal with constant arguments.

"mom, I like to choose a school base on the amount of fin aid or tuition so I won't be as indebt"

"NO YOU MUST GO TO THE HIGHEST RANKED SCHOOL" (irregardless of the fact that I will have to be very, very much more indebt)

She doesn't really understand the concept of fit.

I already made the mistake of going to an undergrad by rank, and was miserable in it. How would you guys deal with this problem?
Click to expand...

Sooner or later, you have to stand up for yourself and just do what you want to do. You are a grown man or woman, and this is your life. Not your mom's. Once you buck the trend, and do something that maybe she harshly disagrees with, I think she might just lay off and instead maybe be proud one day that her kid will be a doctor.

If you play into what she wants you to do, not only will you have a massive amount of debt, you'll still be her puppet. I would break this cycle NOW.
 
SN2ed said:
If she's paying, fine she has a say. If she's not, too bad, it's your life. I think a hard-line stance works. If you give in, then she'll keep on doing this forever. You have to take control of your own life. Your parents will come around and accept your decision.
Click to expand...

If she's paying, I would get a loan. My autonomy and self-respect are worth more to me than the huge amount of $ I'd have to eventually pay back. Plus you know its not gunna end in the admissions discussion. By letting your parents make decisions for you on where you go to school your basically approving for them to make them in other areas of your life. That's what I think anyway
 
the only tricky thing is that you are dealing with an asian mom... notoriously manipulative, sneaky, and well some people deal in crack--they deal in guilt.
 
Members don't see this ad :)
Hey, I feel you when you say your country doesn't always respect doctors and med schools are relatively easy to get in. I know that a lot of countries treat med school as a vocational school, almost in the same way Americans see some local technical college advertising on late-night TV. If this is ingrained in your mother's head, it'll be hard to correct. I think the most effective way to deal with an Asian mother is to have her Asian friends tell her how proud she should be of you and how hard it is to get into med school in the States. That always works :thumbup:. Or just tell her to get into a "top-ranked" med school herself if she values that so much.
 
htownpremie said:
the only tricky thing is that you are dealing with an asian mom... notoriously manipulative, sneaky, and well some people deal in crack--they deal in guilt.
Click to expand...

SO TRUE. I used to hate when my mom did that, but fortunately we have a better relationship now.
 
I am making my own decision and I am a grown man. Just a lil bit rude to assume I am otherwise.

Who wouldn't be annoyed if your parents constantly neg you about school rank over the break?
 
Jolie South said:
Go to the school that you want to go to and that will put you less in debt. Period.

Unless they are financing your education, your parents should have little say in what school you choose. It's going to be hard, but eventually they will come around and get used to the idea of you not going to a "top ranked" school.
Click to expand...

QFT. Keeping in mind that some of the most expensive private schools have some of the best financial aid, of course.
 
First, I think the problem is the fact that most MD programs outside the US are not competitive (even in more "civilized" countries) hence I think its exactly as you say, getting into a US med school is totally different everywhere else.


That said, your reasoning of "financial aid" etc isn't addressing your mom's concern as the top schools often offer much more financial aid than other schools. Did you apply to any the schools your mom wants you to go?
 
JLC said:
First, I think the problem is the fact that most MD programs outside the US are not competitive (even in more "civilized" countries) hence I think its exactly as you say, getting into a US med school is totally different everywhere else.


That said, your reasoning of "financial aid" etc isn't addressing your mom's concern as the top schools often offer much more financial aid than other schools. Did you apply to any the schools your mom wants you to go?
Click to expand...

The issue is my comment to her that I will go to the school offering best finaid regardless of rank, and she's been on my case about that comment ever since.
 
id go over the methodology of the us news rankings and explain how unless you want to go into academia, research funding your school gets isn't really a big deal and doesn't necessarily reflect how well your school prepares you for residency/ boards.

and cant you play the guilt card on her?
 
You need to explain to your mom how hard it is to get into one of these schools and how random the process can be.

And then tell her that if she likes Yale, UCSF or UCSD so much, maybe she should have spent 8 years of her life going to school so that she could have graduated from one of these schools.


Anyone who has been through this process knows how hard it can be, and how random it is sometimes.

If your mom did go to one of those schools and is a doctor, then i dont really know what to tell you, but I doubt she did.
 
cbrons said:
If she's paying, I would get a loan. My autonomy and self-respect are worth more to me than the huge amount of $ I'd have to eventually pay back. Plus you know its not gunna end in the admissions discussion. By letting your parents make decisions for you on where you go to school your basically approving for them to make them in other areas of your life. That's what I think anyway
Click to expand...


If my parents were willing to pay for my medical school education, I would willingly accept that help. Not only will it make you life much easier when you graduate, but it also may be insulting to your parents who may view it as a gift. You can repay them much later in life when they will need assistance as seniors. There is no need to crucify yourself by taking on 200K of debt just to prove that you have "self respect".
 
Handy388 said:
So I have recieved one acceptance at a lower ranked US allo school (according to the US news, not my personal opinion, I love the school).

There is only one problem. One of my parent is a serious "asian parent" and swear to the US news ranking list (never mind the fit)

She began to constantly belittle me for getting into a school that happened to not be Yale, UCSF or UCSD. never mind the fact that I think that particular school is an excellent fit for me.

Now everytime I come home, I have to deal with constant arguments.

"mom, I like to choose a school base on the amount of fin aid or tuition so I won't be as indebt"

"NO YOU MUST GO TO THE HIGHEST RANKED SCHOOL" (irregardless of the fact that I will have to be very, very much more indebt)

She doesn't really understand the concept of fit.

I already made the mistake of going to an undergrad by rank, and was miserable in it. How would you guys deal with this problem?
Click to expand...

Tell her to back off and deal with it. It is YOU that is going to the school, not her. Many people make the mistake of going to a school just because of the US News ranking instead of what they actually feel is a better fit for them. Do not fall prey to this...

The success of a physician is not determined by its ranking on the US News list.
 
You got into MEDICAL SCHOOL. People would kill for that acceptance.

Go to school for you and only you. I would LAUGH in my mom's face if she ever said something like that to me. (Which I did when she asked what happened to the 0.07 when I told her I got a 3.93 this semester... she was joking though haha)
 
i never understood this asian parent stuff. my parents are asian too but we live in a non-asian country. when i told my parents i wanted to be a doctor they were like ... but it's so much work, are you sure you want to be a doctor :D maybe you can do something that's less stressful
 
I remember interviewing with you at one of the schools, and you seemed to have a pretty close relationship with your parents (calling them post-interview). I guess asian parents are a double edged sword, they are critically supportive. eh. at least they are paying for the applications and interviews. You're their investment.
 
geenelln said:
I remember interviewing with you at one of the schools, and you seemed to have a pretty close relationship with your parents (calling them post-interview). I guess asian parents are a double edged sword, they are critically supportive. eh. at least they are paying for the applications and interviews. You're their investment.
Click to expand...

:thumbup: This is basically my parents...
 
Handy388 said:
I don't live with them. I visit them during the holidays. Way to assume things.
Click to expand...

Man people are mean.

It's hard to understand the asian family without being in it. Pretty much they live through you and drill in the concepts of honor, sacrifice, and the other brain washing stuff early. Since they sacrificed their life to come to this country, they expect you to do the best you can.

My parents paid 200K for my undergrad, so they felt like they could tell me what to do with my life. Not making the same mistake with med school. I respect their opinions, but since I've started working, I've decided they can shove their money elsewhere. No way in hell am I letting them pay for med school or else my mom will be nagging me to go into derm.


Free will>>>>>>> 250K of tuition.
 
id go over the methodology of the us news rankings and explain how unless you want to go into academia, research funding your school gets isn't really a big deal and doesn't necessarily reflect how well your school prepares you for residency/ boards.

and cant you play the guilt card on her?
Click to expand...

No. For those that haven't spent any time volunteering with psyche patients, you can't argue someone out of crazy. You can deal with your parents or you can ignore them and live your own life, but you're not arguing your way out of this.
 
Just tell your mom you aren't going to medical school anymore, tell her you are going to live off the fat of the land and will live the rest of your life in a house made out of wood in the forest and will write books that will make you famous when you die.

That'll show her whose boss.
 
geenelln said:
Man people are mean.

It's hard to understand the asian family without being in it. Pretty much they live through you and drill in the concepts of honor, sacrifice, and the other brain washing stuff early. Since they sacrificed their life to come to this country, they expect you to do the best you can.

My parents paid 200K for my undergrad, so they felt like they could tell me what to do with my life. Not making the same mistake with med school. I respect their opinions, but since I've started working, I've decided they can shove their money elsewhere. No way in hell am I letting them pay for med school or else my mom will be nagging me to go into derm.


Free will>>>>>>> 250K of tuition.
Click to expand...

200k for undergrad!
 
Are they medical superstars? If not, I don't really understand that. My parents are asian and believe rank is complete bull. They'd be happy if I went to medical school anywhere as long as I came back and did what I wanted to do. So this asian thing seems a bit on the extreme side (all my asian posse isnt even close to your story)

Seems like your parents are either real bad*sses and think you should also be bad*ss, or theyve gone senile and cannot deal with the fact that you are not the child they thought you were. I kid, I kid.

Glad that you found a good fit, though.
 
Not to hijack the thread, but since people are commiserating over asian parents -- if you think asian parents are wild over the school thing, try telling your asian parents that you're gay and then bringing your boyfriend home with you for the holidays.
 
Just Joshin said:
Not to hijack the thread, but since people are commiserating over asian parents -- if you think asian parents are wild over the school thing, try telling your asian parents that you're gay and then bringing your boyfriend home with you for the holidays.
Click to expand...

:smuggrin:

Sorry if that is an inappropriate remark...
 
my dad's happy with my acceptance, my mom has no clue.

She only knows one school, Harvard.

She's not a medical super star and her knowledge of the field is limited to a bunch of articles written by other Asian parents about Harvard UNDERGRAD
 
hey well youve always got residency, fellowship, and beyond to wind up at harvard!
 
Handy388 said:
my dad's happy with my acceptance, my mom has no clue.

She only knows one school, Harvard.

She's not a medical super star and her knowledge of the field is limited to a bunch of articles written by other Asian parents about Harvard UNDERGRAD
Click to expand...

can you talk to your dad about how you feel, and have him tell your mom to calm down? sometimes asian parents don't listen to their kids because of this social heirarchy thing. if your dad can side with you, maybe you can get your mom to chill.
 
haha yeah right. i bet his dad was neutered a generation ago by her. no offense but this seems like a tactical and sloppy error.

just keep living the dream, man.
 
Just Joshin said:
Not to hijack the thread, but since people are commiserating over asian parents -- if you think asian parents are wild over the school thing, try telling your asian parents that you're gay and then bringing your boyfriend home with you for the holidays.
Click to expand...

been there. done that. wasn't too bad.
 
Handy388 said:
her knowledge of the field is limited to a bunch of articles written by other Asian parents about Harvard UNDERGRAD
Click to expand...

get some articles about Harvard med school to prove her wrong
 
I personally believe that the place you are last educated at is most important, won't be med school in this case.
 
Burn!
 
Just Joshin said:
Not to hijack the thread, but since people are commiserating over asian parents -- if you think asian parents are wild over the school thing, try telling your asian parents that you're gay and then bringing your boyfriend home with you for the holidays.
Click to expand...

:confused::confused:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Next unread thread

Similar threads

S
Incorrect Parent Information
Replies
3
Views
341
gyngyn
gyngyn
S
"Why Us?" Secondary -- Parent got a Master's There
Replies
3
Views
533
Mr.Smile12
Mr.Smile12
S
  • Question
Worked for parent as Dental Assistant during COVID. Clinical?
Replies
1
Views
493
LizzyM
LizzyM
J
FAFSA question for a parent who lives abroad
Replies
0
Views
269
Julatteluver
J
2
how to exclude parent info from FAFSA from two schools
Replies
2
Views
799
CatDad26
C
Top