Ridiculous parent

[Amal]

To the OP:
You got into a US MEDICAL SCHOOL... getting into any US med. school is an impressive accomplishment... therefore your smart; smart enough to figure out which is worth more to you-- to go to the school you want to, or to make your mom happy-- on your own. Moreover, you seem to have already decided to go to the cheaper school you are happier with, a very wise choice. So, IMO, you are now just whining, complaining the world isn't perfect. If you can't handle your mom's nagging, don't go home for the holidays; if you can't deal with skipping a holiday family visit, she must not be that annoying of a parent, so deal with her. Tough? Thats life. From experience, I'd think not going home for a holiday would be a good idea. Overprotective (i.e., asian) mom's hate not seeing/speaking with their 'little babies.' If every time she nags, you don't see her for a couple months, she'll probably stop-- then again, I don't know you mom;you ought to be the better judge. Telling you to 'grow some' might have been harsh, you seem to have made a decision, and are presumably (based on the theory that getting into med. school means you're not a total idiot) are gonna act on it, but I think you need to grow up, and quit trying to evoke sympathy, cause thats all you seem to be doing. OR maybe this thread should be moved from the premedical/medical forums to the 'Psychology' boards.

HStudent says: "Become a psychologist, cause deep down, you just wanna have sex with yo mamma."

This is the proper section for you- http://forums.studentdoctor.net/forumdisplay.php?f=420


In any case, that was the point I was getting at. The OP HAS tried anything he could in his limits to stop the verbal abuse from his mother, so what else can he do to 'man up'? Many of the readers here are assuming the OP is complaining but isn't doing anything. That is NOT the case (this is why we should read all of the OP's original post + other posts he has). The OP has done everything in his power to stop the ordeal, and clearly nothing has worked because, and excuse the generalization, Asian moms are stubborn. This is why he'll probably have to be patient until time wears out the issue and he moves on in the future.

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[Handy388]

I remembered when I was a highschooler once and thought I was smarter than every single person.

Get rid of that attitude, it will help your career immensely.

 

[CCLCMer]

I will be making the decision myself, but constantly nagging drag my spirit down.

I've been independent for years, but I just can't stand the talk. Yet she can't understand why I don't want to live with her for the next 5 month.

I am just incrediblly frustrated with this whole medical school ranking situation. In the country where I am from, medical professions are not considered to be very competitive to enter and in fact, there are some truly trashy medical schools. I just cannot convey the fact that US allo schools are ALL EXCELLENT to her head. She doesn't understand the concept of "fit" at all.

Sorry that your mom is giving you such a hard time. Could you try taking your parents to see the school? I don't mean a formal kind of thing, just drive there with them and show them what you like about it. It might make it more real if your mom could personally see how great the school is. Or you could try to get someone who went to that school to meet with you and your mom. If you can't do that, maybe sit down with your mom and show her the website and all the cool features of your school's program. The match lists are good to show her that students from your school do well and can go anywhere they want after med school. You said she won't look at the match lists, but try leaving last year's list for her to look at later when she's not all upset. Maybe your dad could help and look through it with her without you being there. It will take some time and patience, but don't give up on bringing her around. Just keep explaining calmly and give her info, and hopefully you and your dad can get her to understand. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.

 

[rama kandra]

brown men for white women.

 

[slowbutsteady]

If you only have one acceptance so far, what's the issue with your parents? Would they rather you NOT go to med school at all if you can't go to a school that they deem to be "prestigious" enough?

Also, do they know that the "prestige list" is different for med schools and undergrad schools? (E.g., WashU is "better" than Yale)

 

[Tired]

If you only have one acceptance so far, what's the issue with your parents? Would they rather you NOT go to med school at all if you can't go to a school that they deem to be "prestigious" enough?

That's like saying parents should be proud of their kids when they only get convicted of robbery, instead of going to jail for murder.

Face it, the mom is disappointed in her kid. It's not about going to med school, it's about being smart enough to get into a good school.

 

[Amal]

That's like saying parents should be proud of their kids when they only get convicted of robbery, instead of going to jail for murder.

Face it, the mom is disappointed in her kid. It's not about going to med school, it's about being smart enough to get into a good school.

The OP's definition of a 'good school' was the one he was admitted to because it was a perfect match. His mother's definition of a 'good school' was a top ranked one. Obviously that term is very broad.

 

[Handy388]

let me to make it a bit clearer.

My credentials are excellent, I have MCAT well above 35, pubs resulted from research work at top 5 US med school, and such, but I also have lower upper division class grades from a personal adversity, this resulted in an average GPA comparing to the other matriculants in general.

I was waitlisted by a bunch of schools, and I went to that school, had my best interview experience, really fell in love with its vibe, and subsequently was accepted.

I understand that I am not an impeccable candidate, and I feel like for a school to look past imperfections, it speaks volume about the character and the environment of that school.

I choose an undergrad school for its rank, and was miserable.

I can see my mother's side's argument because she feel with my credential I outta do better, but I am incrediblly grateful for what I have (look at the waitlist thread started by onlyneedoneyes and you'll know what I mean). Even if I did come off waitlist at some top 20 schools, tuition is still gonna be my primary concern. MAYBE research.

 

[Zona Pellucida]

This thread turned crazy and has way too much over analyzing going on.

Go to the school you want. Mom will get over it because the entire world will laugh at her for holding a grudge against her son for going to the MEDICAL SCHOOL he wants to for HIS education.

End.

 

[cbrons]

That's like saying parents should be proud of their kids when they only get convicted of robbery, instead of going to jail for murder.

Face it, the mom is disappointed in her kid. It's not about going to med school, it's about being smart enough to get into a good school.

haha

Hey OP: Feel better bro you aren't the only one with this type of problem. You just gotta make a decision and go with it. She isn't gunna like it, but you gotta stick with it. It sucks to make your moms mad but you gotta draw the line at one point. You gotta live ya life... this one's for you dogg:

[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bC6y7yekaqc&feature=related[/YOUTUBE]

 

[LadyWolverine]

I choose an undergrad school for its rank, and was miserable.

I can see my mother's side's argument because she feel with my credential I outta do better, but I am incrediblly grateful for what I have (look at the waitlist thread started by onlyneedoneyes and you'll know what I mean). Even if I did come off waitlist at some top 20 schools, tuition is still gonna be my primary concern. MAYBE research.

Does your mother understand that medical school "rankings" are not the same as those for undergraduate universities? You will be able to get into whatever specialty you want from just about any US allopathic medical school. I guess I could understand if you were interested in researching a particular topic/having a particular person as your PI/pursuing an academic career - then you would probably want to choose accordingly. I can tell you that, in the real world, aside from people in high-ranking academic medicine careers, nobody really cares where you went to medical school.

As for you "outta do better" with your credentials: you and your mother both need to get out of that mindset, and fast, or you're going to be incredibly disappointed in the near future. You are up against a ridiculously overqualified applicant pool, and it's only going to get worse from here on out. No matter how well you do, there will be scores of others who do better. You and your mother should be proud that you were able to get into medical school at all. There are plenty of people with just as many or more accomplishments and accolades who get turned away every year. Time for a reality check - you are very lucky and blessed to have only had to go through this process once. Believe me.

Tuition SHOULD be one of your primary concerns. I will never understand why pre-meds willing spend gobs of money to go to a private school when they have the option of going to their perfectly reputable state institution or other considerably cheaper school. Nobody has that kind of money to just throw away.

I'm not naive enough to deny that going to Harvard or Hopkins or Stanford or whathaveyou won't open certain doors - of course it would. Much of real life is about "who you know" and what connections you develop while still in training. But it seems like your mother only wants bragging rights in this case. Think about it - is there any particular legitimate reason why she wants you to go to a "top" school, other than to say "My kid goes to ____?"

 

[HStudent]

This is the proper section for you- http://forums.studentdoctor.net/forumdisplay.php?f=420

Well, I don't know if you're being sarcastic, are just dumb, or what: I'm pre-dental, for which there is a board, and thats not it. Pre-dental and pre-medical are pretty much exactly the same, except with the DAT instead of the MCAT and different school's to apply to, therefore, I find the premedical forums (being much much more populated than the pre-dent. counterpart) useful.

EDIT: Well, after a momentary brain-lapse, I figured out my name was probably the source of confusion; H. S. is my initials, and when I first came up with the screen-name, had a double (or rather quintuple) meaning as 'high-school'/'home-schooled' et cetera. Anyways, to cut the story short, I use it because I've used it for years on various threads and have never had a reason to come-up with a different screen name (+my college starts with an 'h' (kinda) so it seems rather appropriate).

 

[87138]

Think about it - is there any particular legitimate reason why she wants you to go to a "top" school, other than to say "My kid goes to ____?"

Based on my observations, this is the sole reason why people like the OP's mother are obsessed with this kind of thing.

It's the modern day "keeping up with the Jones's."

(I would've said "keeping up with the Changs" but some silly PC-Patrol would've lynched me. So I just won't say that.)

 

[Handy388]

Does your mother understand that medical school "rankings" are not the same as those for undergraduate universities? You will be able to get into whatever specialty you want from just about any US allopathic medical school. I guess I could understand if you were interested in researching a particular topic/having a particular person as your PI/pursuing an academic career - then you would probably want to choose accordingly. I can tell you that, in the real world, aside from people in high-ranking academic medicine careers, nobody really cares where you went to medical school.

As for you "outta do better" with your credentials: you and your mother both need to get out of that mindset, and fast, or you're going to be incredibly disappointed in the near future. You are up against a ridiculously overqualified applicant pool, and it's only going to get worse from here on out. No matter how well you do, there will be scores of others who do better. You and your mother should be proud that you were able to get into medical school at all. There are plenty of people with just as many or more accomplishments and accolades who get turned away every year. Time for a reality check - you are very lucky and blessed to have only had to go through this process once. Believe me.

Tuition SHOULD be one of your primary concerns. I will never understand why pre-meds willing spend gobs of money to go to a private school when they have the option of going to their perfectly reputable state institution or other considerably cheaper school. Nobody has that kind of money to just throw away.

I'm not naive enough to deny that going to Harvard or Hopkins or Stanford or whathaveyou won't open certain doors - of course it would. Much of real life is about "who you know" and what connections you develop while still in training. But it seems like your mother only wants bragging rights in this case. Think about it - is there any particular legitimate reason why she wants you to go to a "top" school, other than to say "My kid goes to ____?"

I don't feel that way, my mom do. I am incrediblly grateful for what I have.

 

[Tired]

The OP's definition of a 'good school' was the one he was admitted to because it was a perfect match. His mother's definition of a 'good school' was a top ranked one. Obviously that term is very broad.

Yeah, duh.

My point is that everyone here is just in awe over the mother's viewpoint: "Doesn't she know that getting into a medical school is a big accomplishment?!"

His mother doesn't think getting into medical school is a big accomplishment. She's not impressed that he got into some average school she's never heard of. For her, unless it's a top school, it's not impressive.

That's just who she is.

 

[ar2388]

me personally, i would go to whatever school ym parents said if they cover my education.. if not, its my choice.. my parents arent asian, but russian parents are not alawys better. i have nbroken mine down considerably though.,

 

[gopher22]

Rankings are not a good way to pick a medical school, but neither is money.

As a caveat to comparing scholarship packages, I pay less at the school attend now than the school I was planning to attend, which offered me a half-tuition scholarship. The standard financial packages at the latter school were just that much better, even though it wasn't advertised much.

 

[Handy388]

UPDATE:

I ended up becoming accepted into a top 20 school that happened to be CHEAPER than the lower tier first acceptance. The first acceptance was a smaller private college in a COLD COLD COLD location. I would go there in a heartbeat if I didn't have other choices because interview day impressed me so much.

I gained another acceptance beside the top 20, but this middle tier school is mind bogglingly expensive, costing 15k per year more than the top 20 school.

But a 80 or so increase in rank/NIH funding (I like research and want to go into academic medicine) and 5k lower tuition per year made the choice pretty obvious.

It boggles my mind why schools with more reputation have even lower tuition, massive endowment, perhaps. You would think lower ranked school is cheaper to attract more matriculants.

 

[Funky]

It boggles my mind why schools with more reputation have even lower tuition, massive endowment, perhaps. You would think lower ranked school is cheaper to attract more matriculants.

The problem is that matriculants are set at a fixed amount and stupid medical students are willing to pay the ridiculously high tuition for an MD. 'Tis life....

 

[bigbad]

Don't mean to steal the thread or anything but I wanted to know how most med students pay for their education.

I know most take out a truckload of loans for med school but what about as far as undergrad? Alot of parents are willing to pay up till this point but how else besides loans does one become dependent?

Part time minimum wage probably won't do jacksh*t when dealing with this much.. I know parents probably want to have some say in decisions when its coming out of their pocket...

 

[Conky]

whoops, read the 'update'

congrats! I hope your mom is happier now.

 

[Handy388]

Don't mean to steal the thread or anything but I wanted to know how most med students pay for their education.

I know most take out a truckload of loans for med school but what about as far as undergrad? Alot of parents are willing to pay up till this point but how else besides loans does one become dependent?

Part time minimum wage probably won't do jacksh*t when dealing with this much.. I know parents probably want to have some say in decisions when its coming out of their pocket...

federal loan is good up to 40500 per year, I think. the unsubed part is 8500 a year.

 

[binko]

Tell her these questions are on the MCAT. Have her learn them. Make flash cards for her if need be:

What do you call a doctor who went to Harvard?

A: "Doctor".

What do you call a doctor who went to Rinky-Dink State?

A: "Doctor"

 

[135892]

UPDATE:

I ended up becoming accepted into a top 20 school that happened to be CHEAPER than the lower tier first acceptance. The first acceptance was a smaller private college in a COLD COLD COLD location. I would go there in a heartbeat if I didn't have other choices because interview day impressed me so much.

I gained another acceptance beside the top 20, but this middle tier school is mind bogglingly expensive, costing 15k per year more than the top 20 school.

But a 80 or so increase in rank/NIH funding (I like research and want to go into academic medicine) and 5k lower tuition per year made the choice pretty obvious.

Haha, is your mom happy now? Congrats nevertheless

It boggles my mind why schools with more reputation have even lower tuition, massive endowment, perhaps. You would think lower ranked school is cheaper to attract more matriculants.

Maybe, the top schools need to have a competetive tuition, as students who get accepted to these schools most likely have some options as to which school they choose to attend. Whereas an applicant who can only manage to get into a low-ranked state school probably has no choice and is forced to go to the school, regardless of price. I have no idea though, this is just speculation.

 

[135892]

Tell her these questions are on the MCAT. Have her learn them. Make flash cards for her if need be:

What do you call a doctor who went to Harvard?

A: "Doctor".

What do you call a doctor who went to Rinky-Dink State?

A: "Doctor"

Ultimately this is true of course, but we all know that it isn't this simple...

 

[Funky]

Tell her these questions are on the MCAT. Have her learn them. Make flash cards for her if need be:

What do you call a doctor who went to Harvard?

A: "Doctor".

What do you call a doctor who went to Rinky-Dink State?

A: "Doctor"

Q: What do you call the smartest graduate of Harvard?
A: Doctor

Q: What do you call the dumbest graduate of Rinky-Dink State?
A: Doctor

 

[chocolaterie]

the only tricky thing is that you are dealing with an asian mom... notoriously manipulative, sneaky, and well some people deal in crack--they deal in guilt.

so true

OP, you can do what I did - move to a different country with someone she disapproves of

 

[coffeeeandtea]

UPDATE:

I ended up becoming accepted into a top 20 school that happened to be CHEAPER than the lower tier first acceptance. The first acceptance was a smaller private college in a COLD COLD COLD location. I would go there in a heartbeat if I didn't have other choices because interview day impressed me so much.

I gained another acceptance beside the top 20, but this middle tier school is mind bogglingly expensive, costing 15k per year more than the top 20 school.

But a 80 or so increase in rank/NIH funding (I like research and want to go into academic medicine) and 5k lower tuition per year made the choice pretty obvious.

It boggles my mind why schools with more reputation have even lower tuition, massive endowment, perhaps. You would think lower ranked school is cheaper to attract more matriculants.

So does that mean you're going to the Top 20 school? How do you like it compared to the "lower tier" school? Make sure you go to the school you really WANT to go to, not just the one that will make your parents happy. I'm Asian American as well, and I ended up deciding to go to my particular undergrad based on my parents' judgment; while I ended up learning a lot and meeting really cool people, the academic part was miserable for me since there was little to no advising/support available without a herculean effort to seek it out.

I figure medical school's academics are going to be even tougher, and I can't afford to go to a school where I don't really feel comfortable. Obviously the best way to do this would not be to tell your mom to "shove off," but probably try to get other people in on this - your dad, a friend who is a physician or who is already in medical school... The way I convinced my parents that rankings don't matter was the whole "What do you call a doctor who graduated from Harvard vs. X State U?" or my personal favorite, "Most patients are not going to care where you graduated from - who really goes to their doctor and says, 'You can't treat me unless you went to Harvard.'"

P.S. A couple posts back, you were saying you started dating "American" girls? We're all American, btw, unless you're an international student

 

[Handy388]

So does that mean you're going to the Top 20 school? How do you like it compared to the "lower tier" school? Make sure you go to the school you really WANT to go to, not just the one that will make your parents happy. I'm Asian American as well, and I ended up deciding to go to my particular undergrad based on my parents' judgment; while I ended up learning a lot and meeting really cool people, the academic part was miserable for me since there was little to no advising/support available without a herculean effort to seek it out.

I figure medical school's academics are going to be even tougher, and I can't afford to go to a school where I don't really feel comfortable. Obviously the best way to do this would not be to tell your mom to "shove off," but probably try to get other people in on this - your dad, a friend who is a physician or who is already in medical school... The way I convinced my parents that rankings don't matter was the whole "What do you call a doctor who graduated from Harvard vs. X State U?" or my personal favorite, "Most patients are not going to care where you graduated from - who really goes to their doctor and says, 'You can't treat me unless you went to Harvard.'"

P.S. A couple posts back, you were saying you started dating "American" girls? We're all American, btw, unless you're an international student

I absolutely LOVE the top 20 school, I am incredibly grateful to be offered the opportunity to go there, there is no comparison between the top 20 and my other acceptances.

I feel that there is a tangible difference between the resources of a top 20 vs. a lower tiered small private medical college.

 

[WaterBird]

I DO walk out.

I DO say things like shove off to her, sometimes untactfully. I am brought up to respect my elders but I can't respect them if they don't respect me.

Problem is, she just has to make a rackuss everytime and I am darn tired to argue with her all the time.

In the end, I am going to choose a school that fit me, but I just can't take this kind of argument everytime.

Maybe you can try and talk about it less. My folks were stressing me out about how often they wanted to talk about it, and I tried to set some ground-rules with them about how much we'd talk about it. My mom doesn't follow them all the time, and I don't freak out at her, but it's a lot better than it was. Particularly if you're still waiting on fin aid, maybe you can postpone some of this conversation? I framed it as - I want to think about other stuff since this is my last year as a non-med student.

 

[3pin3phrine]

Forget what your parents say. It is your life and you will have to live the decision for the rest of your life. The education will be sufficient wherever you go..just do well on your boards and get good letters of rec. and should be fine. There is no negotiating with asian parents, so go to a place where you feel happy and comfortable. I hope you are doing medicine for yourself and not your parents.

 

[3pin3phrine]

Forget what your parents say. It is your life and you will have to live the decision for the rest of your life. The education will be sufficient wherever you go..just do well on your boards and get good letters of rec. and should be fine. There is no negotiating with asian parents, so go to a place where you feel happy and comfortable. I hope you are doing medicine for yourself and not your parents.

 

[EkramVahsedi86]

So I have recieved one acceptance at a lower ranked US allo school (according to the US news, not my personal opinion, I love the school).

There is only one problem. One of my parent is a serious "asian parent" and swear to the US news ranking list (never mind the fit)

She began to constantly belittle me for getting into a school that happened to not be Yale, UCSF or UCSD. never mind the fact that I think that particular school is an excellent fit for me.

Now everytime I come home, I have to deal with constant arguments.

"mom, I like to choose a school base on the amount of fin aid or tuition so I won't be as indebt"

"NO YOU MUST GO TO THE HIGHEST RANKED SCHOOL" (irregardless of the fact that I will have to be very, very much more indebt)

She doesn't really understand the concept of fit.

I already made the mistake of going to an undergrad by rank, and was miserable in it. How would you guys deal with this problem?

It sounds to me that you don't talk to your parents and if you do, they don't listen well to you. Just give them a heartfelt talk about your reasons. They are your parents, they want you to succeed, but you have to discuss your feelings with them too. Make them listen, they will listen to you. If you can't make them see the light, tell them you respect their advice but that your heart is not in it, so you are going to do what makes you happy in life, and will travel the path you expect to be the most rewarding/fulfilling.

 

[atomi]

-

 

[RoadRunner17]

I have parents who are Chinese immigrants, and they're all about going to good schools, working hard and taking advantage of educational opportunities. At first, they were pretty gungho about the process. Understandably, they expected me to get into the top 20 schools off the bat. Never mind that my GPA is below average. Anyway..

After some time in the process, they pretty much caught up with me in terms of understanding what's what (from talking to me and actual physicians they know) and they're happy with the choices I have now (choosing between two schools in the top 30 USNWR right now). Key is communication and trust. If you're afraid of your parents and their judgment... then this is just gonna keep happening.

 

[hrfan]

OP congratulations on your aceptance to top 20... This just goes to show your mom was right, she knew your potential and wanted the best for you.
I am glad for you and your mom...