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Rosalind Secondary, Is my essay appropriate?

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rain1_rain1

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Guys, I would appreciate all inputs. Do you think it connects well to the theme of 'life in discovery'?

“How does human pappilomavirus (HPV) E6 proteins regulate fibroblast growth factor binding protein (FGF-BP) promoter?” My summer research project started with this question. Reading literature revealed that HPV E6 protein binds to the E6 associated proteins (E6AP), which then degrades the tumor suppressor protein p53 resulting in the up-regulation of the FGF-BP promoter. Theoretically, if a therapeutic agent can block the degradation of p53 then as a result the up-regulation of FGF-BP promoter can be controlled but unfortunately clinical trials prove it is not the case. Hence, there must be an alternate mechanism for up-regulation of FGF-BP independent of p53 degradation. This formed the reasoning behind my research project.

I worship the sport of cricket as a religion! Cricket helped me discover my body, mind and soul. First I learned batting, and then I learned bowling followed by fielding. I grew up with cricket. Through times it has taught me the importance of discipline, perseverance and hard work. I played for my grade team, I played for my school team and I played for my state team. Through this journey every single day cricket discovered and rediscovered my self. Cricket is my inspirational way of life.

I enthusiastically start my preparation for a new game. I know my goals and I planned an approach. Comebacks followed setbacks. Days passed when I could not implement my techniques well. Frustration started showing in my performance. However, patience and repetitive effort played a key role. The support from the coach was overwhelming. Finally, I reached my goal. I find out that HPV E6 and E6AP up-regulates FGF-BP promoter independent of p53. Further, I showed a function of low risk type HPVs for the first time. It was the game of research. The independence of p53 furthers a new array of questions. Discovery is the soul of research and cricket. Yes, I won the game.
 

rain1_rain1

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rain1_rain1 said:
Guys, I would appreciate all inputs. Do you think it connects well to the theme of 'life in discovery'?

“How does human pappilomavirus (HPV) E6 proteins regulate fibroblast growth factor binding protein (FGF-BP) promoter?” My summer research project started with this question. Reading literature revealed that HPV E6 protein binds to the E6 associated proteins (E6AP), which then degrades the tumor suppressor protein p53 resulting in the up-regulation of the FGF-BP promoter. Theoretically, if a therapeutic agent can block the degradation of p53 then as a result the up-regulation of FGF-BP promoter can be controlled but unfortunately clinical trials prove it is not the case. Hence, there must be an alternate mechanism for up-regulation of FGF-BP independent of p53 degradation. This formed the reasoning behind my research project.

I worship the sport of cricket as a religion! Cricket helped me discover my body, mind and soul. First I learned batting, and then I learned bowling followed by fielding. I grew up with cricket. Through times it has taught me the importance of discipline, perseverance and hard work. I played for my grade team, I played for my school team and I played for my state team. Through this journey every single day cricket discovered and rediscovered my self. Cricket is my inspirational way of life.

I enthusiastically start my preparation for a new game. I know my goals and I planned an approach. Comebacks followed setbacks. Days passed when I could not implement my techniques well. Frustration started showing in my performance. However, patience and repetitive effort played a key role. The support from the coach was overwhelming. Finally, I reached my goal. I find out that HPV E6 and E6AP up-regulates FGF-BP promoter independent of p53. Further, I showed a function of low risk type HPVs for the first time. It was the game of research. The independence of p53 furthers a new array of questions. Discovery is the soul of research and cricket. Yes, I won the game.

If it makes sense at all ...!!! I guess I may have to start all over again, hate secondaries, strechin mah nuts :p
 

anomic

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Okay.. I'm going to be harsh so I'm sorry... please remember I am only trying to help.

This essay is HORRIBLE!!!

Yes, we know you did research (like 80percent of other undergrades) and that you must be very smart since you can regurgitate jargon. I am sure they don't care. Write something that shows that you are a person outside of academics. Maybe go with the cricket stuff, although how does that make you discover? Be specific, anyone can write fluff.

Show, don't tell

Also, your essay did NOT flow well. Put what you want to say at the beginning of each paragraph. Unless you are a brain dead loser pre-med (which I am sure you are not since you are on sdn) you must have some hobby or activity that you have been involved in other than school and tyring to get into med school. If not, you are a lame and lousy human being.

Again, sorry this was soooo harsh. I would try again... if you want to re-post your essay feel free. Good luck!!!!
 

DrHopeless

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Maybe I am tired, but I stopped at the first line. You need a hook.
 

ubcredfox

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Yikes....to the OP: last poster is really just trying to help - don't cry

Umm, as for your essay - let me tell it to you this way. I don't know you. I started reading about the biochem/p53 jargon (I am a biochemist) and then I started skimmin' The research stuff is BORING! DEAD BORING!

I stopped at the part where you started to talk about cricket. Yes, go with cricket like anomic suggested. You definitely (as above) ought to work on that flow. Your last paragraph - I see what you were trying to do from a literary standpoint i.e. connect the ideas of succeeding in cricket with succeeding in research project x, but your transition is far too rough and not well executed (sorry.)

Rewrite your essay and just focus on cricket (suggestion) - maybe write about a specific match that you had a hard time going through, or write about when you first got a chance to ball, or the first time you broke that little wooden piece that rests upon the three longer wooden pieces (yes..I'm cricket all pro here..)

Hope this helps. Feel free to post a revised one again, we'll dig into it for ya.
 

Freakingzooming

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yeah seriously. you need to work on a) getting a better opening sentence (immediately I am turned off by reading your 1st sentence) b) a theme- your essay isn't at all cohesive c) focus on the school's traits.

You're all over the page here. I would start over.
 

laya533

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Freakingzooming said:
yeah seriously. you need to work on a) getting a better opening sentence (immediately I am turned off by reading your 1st sentence) b) a theme- your essay isn't at all cohesive c) focus on the school's traits.

You're all over the page here. I would start over.
I am planning to write about my calligraphy (a professional at it).but I dont know how it might foster growth and discovery.Could you guys help me?
 

themadchemist

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Here's my take. You can probably tie in research and cricket; I'm sure I've attempted stranger things in my application process. But if you're going to talk about research, keep "the why should I care" factor in mind.

Not even scientists, let alone physicians, are going to care about the random protein that you're nursing in the back of your laboratory. Very simply, and with minimal details, tell me how it's going to save the world or provide information that will help to save the world. That therapeutic stuff, that should be the key...And maybe some details on HPV and why it's important. You'd be surprised how many people won't get the gravity of your earth-shattering work. Honestly, I don't.

The problem with research in the first paragraph is it makes you skim. I want to do MSTP in biochemistry, but when I see four letter abbreviations, I start to skim. Why? One, because for any normal person, this stuff is pretty boring when just laid out there. Two, because scientists are taught to skim the words and analyze the diagrams. Therefore, the automatic inclination is to skim when I see too much jargon. So tell me a bedtime story about your research, complete with an evil monster, a valiant and mystical weapon to destroy it, and the harrowing tale of the great hero's foray into that adventure. I'm serious. This is what sells.

The other thing is that unless you start right in the beginning to explain what the hell cricket and research have to do with each other, people are going to be confused. Certainly, with a zero transition from research to cricket, their heads are going to be spinning for two paragraphs. I'm not applying to RF, so I don't know what the actual prompt is. But I wonder if self-discovery is a stretch. Does that qualify under their definition of a life of discovery? If it does, fine, but please leave out phrases like "my body, mind, and soul," and my "inspirational way of life." Why? Well, the first one sounds like you spend way too much time at the herbal remedy store. The second one, if you stop and think about it, makes no sense. Inspirational? Who does it inspire? You? How does it inspire you? What does inspiring have to do with discovery, or even self-discovery? You see how it breaks down...This is a slow motion view of the lightning-speed process through which one decides that "inspirational way of life" is BS (and maybe also a little too herbal remedy again).

In the last paragraph, I like the term "game of research." I don't like that you jump from cricket to research without any warning. It's very confusing. I also don't think you really proved the point that cricket has anything to do with discovery and I think that the point that discovery is the soul of research is, maybe, a little too obvious. And, especially when you connect the game to research, winning it is sort of obnoxious. It's fine to say you won the cricket game, but to suggest that your summer research project somehow "won the game" of research is arrogant and unfounded.

Sorry to be harsh, as well, but I'm only doing so because I see that there's actually a glimmer of genius in the concept of this essay. It just needs to be developed and brought out from the rough.
 

rain1_rain1

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Thank you everyone! Your responses are valuable. Keep them coming :)

I went a little over the haze trying to find an interesting connection between how cricket can help discover other things in my life, here research. I respect everyone's views and would re-do my essay over again.

;)
 

Sundarban1

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You guys are about as useful as a coloring book to Helen Keller.

This is why you should never post PS or essay responses on SDN. Never learn...
 

nvshelat

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Keep in mind that not all ADCOM members are scientists. And the cricket bit is nice, but I'm not inspired.

Inspire me!! Inspire, I say!
 

Flopotomist

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I hate to say it, but you need to throw this out, and start over. What is the prompt, and what is the theme of this essay? The first paragraph and the second are not connected at all (or are they for two different questions?)

I would try not to bore people with all that science gobbledy gook in the beginning - very few people care to read about that in an essay.

I use two tests when evaluating essays (I copied this from somebody else on this site, so forgive me if I stole this from you): the elevator test, and the Friday night test.

The elevator test is: would I want to kill myself if I found myself trapped alone with the author in an elevator for an hour.

The Friday night test is: is this person interesting enough to want to spend a Friday night with.

Good luck!
 

rain1_rain1

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Alright guys, here's a brand new effort, still donno if I was able to bring life to this essay! *have been in this country for only two years, so pardon my so aweful writing, eww i hate writing* I just sat and wrote something...


June 3rd, 2001. It was a hot summer day and I was playing a cricket game against the Army school, the same team that crushed us a few weeks back! I went on to bat but soon the heat made me feel terrible. I got out and our team lost the game. In rage I broke the bat. The next game with the same team was scheduled in two days. The coach made me the team captain. It added more responsibility on me. I had to ask my dad to buy me a new bat. He promised me to buy one the next day. Hurray, I sang and danced all day waiting for my bat. Around five in the evening, dad and me raced down the bumpy tar roads on his scooter. As we approached the last turn I saw a teenaged girl, about fourteen-fifteen-years old riding her bicycle in a hurry. Her tires were flat but she kept on dragging it. Suddenly her bicycle hit one of the bumps and skittered across the rough road. My dad hit the brakes hard and I was thrown across the road in the grass. An old white Ambassador car coming from the opposite direction ran over the girl. She did not move. We rushed her to the hospital but there was no attending physician. She died by the time a physician could make his way from the other hospital. The girl's family gathered and everyone broke down on hearing the news except her mother. She continued to think that doctor would save her daughter. Soon we left the hospital and I got home.

"Where was the bat?” my mom asked. I could not answer her, instead ran to my room and cried. I felt guilty. Next day my friends came and took me for practice. As I passed the hospital I saw that girl’s mom sitting across from the hospital. There were no tears and no emotions on her face. I went up to her and asked "why do not you go and eat something, or should I bring some food?" She replied "Son, please ask the doctor to hurry up the treatment my daughter must be hungry." I could not move. I did not go for practice and returned home.

The next morning was big for our team. Everyone came nicely dressed and pledged for victory. The victory did not mean anything to me. We played and lost again. There was no shame. Finally I discovered that it was just a game!
 

rain1_rain1

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Flopotomist said:
The elevator test is: would I want to kill myself if I found myself trapped alone with the author in an elevator for an hour.

The Friday night test is: is this person interesting enough to want to spend a Friday night with.

Good luck!

I bet it fails both of your tests yet again! will neva stop trying tho... ;)
 

MoosePilot

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rain1_rain1 said:
Alright guys, here's a brand new effort, still donno if I was able to bring life to this essay! *have been in this country for only two years, so pardon my so aweful writing, eww i hate writing* I just sat and wrote something...


June 3rd, 2001. It was a hot summer day and I was playing a cricket game against the Army school, the same team that crushed us a few weeks back! I went on to bat but soon the heat made me feel terrible. I got out and our team lost the game. In rage I broke the bat. The next game with the same team was scheduled in two days. The coach made me the team captain. It added more responsibility on me. I had to ask my dad to buy me a new bat. He promised me to buy one the next day. Hurray, I sang and danced all day waiting for my bat. Around five in the evening, dad and me raced down the bumpy tar roads on his scooter. As we approached the last turn I saw a teenaged girl, about fourteen-fifteen-years old riding her bicycle in a hurry. Her tires were flat but she kept on dragging it. Suddenly her bicycle hit one of the bumps and skittered across the rough road. My dad hit the brakes hard and I was thrown across the road in the grass. An old white Ambassador car coming from the opposite direction ran over the girl. She did not move. We rushed her to the hospital but there was no attending physician. She died by the time a physician could make his way from the other hospital. The girl's family gathered and everyone broke down on hearing the news except her mother. She continued to think that doctor would save her daughter. Soon we left the hospital and I got home.

"Where was the bat?” my mom asked. I could not answer her, instead ran to my room and cried. I felt guilty. Next day my friends came and took me for practice. As I passed the hospital I saw that girl’s mom sitting across from the hospital. There were no tears and no emotions on her face. I went up to her and asked "why do not you go and eat something, or should I bring some food?" She replied "Son, please ask the doctor to hurry up the treatment my daughter must be hungry." I could not move. I did not go for practice and returned home.

The next morning was big for our team. Everyone came nicely dressed and pledged for victory. The victory did not mean anything to me. We played and lost again. There was no shame. Finally I discovered that it was just a game!

This one says more about you and it was interesting to me, but your English isn't great. I also thought you were a young child in the story, but reading the date it was only four years ago, so you were probably at least close to being an adult. Have someone edit it for you.
 

radioh3ad

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Please get someone to edit this for you. If you are an international student or a newly immigrated applicant, I can understand your grammar and wording choices. I don't know if adcoms would be as forgiving.

The essay is both awkward and unnerving. It illustrates a tragic incident in your life, but it doesn't describe how it affected you in a positive manner (i.e. to be a doctor).

There are many problems with it, and I would consider changing the topic (it seems contrived, no offense).
 
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