Salary higher than hubby (1st year resident)

Discussion in 'Spouses and Partners' started by chloeyinyinlo, Nov 13, 2018.

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  1. chloeyinyinlo

    5+ Year Member

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    Hi Sdn med spouses!

    So our marital background is like this:
    1) Hubby 34 yo 1st year resident, was a non traditional med student (late flyer), has 2 masters degrees and did polo sci/finance in college.
    2) Me 26 yo immigrant wife, dvm degree from home country and not yet licensed in the states (ecfvg exam is very hard). Recently moved to USA in June. Used to do a lot of public health stuff during vet school days.

    Hubby is not exactly having a hard time at residency... we’re pretty sure his residency is relatively chill compared to what his other friends are doing (think coming home before 6 almost everyday and only occasional 1 day weekends).

    I recently went to a job fair and got offered a lecturer job for animal sci by a local university. The pay is per credit. Hubby said he didn’t like the job because the college kids or professors would hit on me, and I would be head deep in research and he thinks I really need to step out of the academic world. Even though I told him it’s only teaching, he still wouldn’t hear it, and kept saying I’m too academically oriented for the real world. He also said I should look for a job that is non-academic.

    As an immigrant wife, I really didn’t have much choices (even with a dvm degree), but I was happy going through jobs like petco, target, humane society admin, and even Walmart cashiers. Again, hubby said no, said the job environment is not okay. He doesn’t want my colleagues hitting on me.

    And then I got offered a public health job at the state government (the office is famously full of grannies) and it pays double of what my hubby is being paid. That when he totally lost it and said that my job is to place his emotional well being as my top priority, and that if I do the state job that is over 100k/year he’s going to divorce me. He said he didn’t marry a wife so that she can outperform him during his most difficult time, and that I knew he had a big ego and promised that I would not mind his big ego.

    And then after a few days I brought up the idea of working at a nail salon... since I got offered that job as well. Again hubby said no, because no resident doctor’s wife should be working at a nail salon, what would people say? It’s a small town after all.

    I’m 26, never had professional work experience (except for being a vet intern) and I feel like..... before I stay home and get preganant and take care of kids, I really want to see what’s out there, and see what I can do for my job and the government. We plan to have kids 2-3 years after residency, that is when we are financially stable and me potentially finishing off a one year full time masters degree. I know what he’s going through is very stressful but I do believe that I can take good care of him and do all the housework even with a job.

    Btw mom in law called me and apologized for her son’s behavior, said it’s her fault that she pampered him too much. Father in law and her gives me full support to go for the public health job.

    What to do...........(sigh)
     
    #1 chloeyinyinlo, Nov 13, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2018
  2. B4S

    B4S

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    Wow! Why is he making all the decisions about your career? What do you want for your career? That should be your top priority in my opinion. It sounds like he is very controlling and doesn’t have your best interests in mind. I would ignore his sensitive ego and take the public health job. Sounds amazing. You could support yourself (and him if need be) and be financially stable right now. Don’t set yourself up to ever have to depend on a man.
     
  3. chloeyinyinlo

    5+ Year Member

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    The job is amazing! It was my dream job when I was still in vet school (still is) and I couldn’t believe they offered it to me and said my dvm degree without the USA clinical License was enough.

    Most of the male residents wives are lawyers or psych ds and are currently making more than their husbands, I don’t understand why my husband is shooting down all of my job offers, and it’s all within a 10 minute drive from home and 2 minute drive from his hospital.

    I guess husband just doesn’t believe I can be a supportive spouse if I have my own career. He said that if he had known I was like this he would have just dated a career woman in the states and not get married since the whole point of marriage is to go home to a warm meal and have the wife be there for him.

    And if I eat divorced, my green card will be in jeopardy and then I’d have to go back to my home country and face my mentally/physically abusive parents who didn’t allow me to work either, but rather... made me stay with them and wrapped me up like a gift bride.

    My husband went through a lot of sxxt to get me out of my past abusive family situation, and I helped him get matched with my own connections after he failed the match once. We are considered by friends as “the couple who went through the most sxxt and is still lovey dovey”. I feel like I want this job sooooo bad but I also owe him too much for saving me and bringing me to states. Hence my gutless submissions to his controlling behavior.
     
  4. B4S

    B4S

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    But when he threatens divorce, that is just so toxic and dysfunctional. That’s NOT love. Controlling behavior just leads to more controlling behavior. It doesn’t have a limit. It sounds like he had a totally different picture in his head of what marriage is than you did. You making more money is threatening to his masculinity because he wants to dominate you and that is just wrong.
    In the end, you will regret putting him ahead of yourself again and again. If you don’t look out for yourself, then no one will. Please take the job! He probably wouldn’t even divorce you, it is most likely a scare tactic. Maybe he wouldn’t want the stigma of getting divorced, and on some level, he probably knows he’d be worse off if he did get divorced. So consider the possibility he’s just trying to scare you into submission.
    With your degree, education and job prospects, is there somewhere you could move where you’d be away from both him and your parents, and still be financially independent?



     
  5. WhtsThFrequency

    Veterinarian 10+ Year Member

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    DVM here :hello:

    For the love of god, leave this bizarrely controlling and insecure man-child and take the job. You've worked far too hard and are too intelligent to be treated like this. It is not selfish to consider your own life and happiness - that is basic self-care.

    It is only going to get worse. Trust me.

    It. Is. Only. Going. To. Get. Worse.

    It sounds like he wants a soulless personal chef and maid rather than an actual wife and partner. That's terrible about the green card situation....but honestly, I think you need to heavily consider divorcing this guy. The purpose of marriage is not having a clean house and hot meals. Marriages are not on built on what one person "owes" another. The purpose of a marriage is to have a loving partnership where each person helps and encourages the other to be the best person they can be.

    He's going to keep you locked up in a smaller and smaller cage as time goes on - and the one he is keeping you in already is pretty damn small. If kids come along I can't even imagine how he will be. Probably won't even let you go out to the grocery store for fear of another male speaking to you.

    Again, please consider divorce. Seriously. This is a toxic relationship that, if you continue in it, many decades from now when you're on your deathbed and looking back, you'll be filled with crushing regret and resentment.

    Swing by the vet boards...we sometimes have some people with non-US veterinary degrees wanting ECFVG study partners so they can practice in the US. Or just for general support - it's a great community.
     
    #5 WhtsThFrequency, Nov 14, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2018
  6. Stroganoff

    Stroganoff Never give up.
    Rocket Scientist 15+ Year Member

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    Will the state government help you maintain your green card? I'm no immigration nerd, but there's many ways to get or maintain permanent US residency. Marriage is only one of several ways. I hope you accept the job offer, and congratulations for getting it!

    Husband is being submissive to his own ego, unable to dominate it. I'm really sorry to read your story about how controlling he is. You're a DVM for Pete's sake, and you're a hard working asset to this country who came from difficult upbringing to find a better life. Classic American dream. It is heartbreaking to read the comments your husband is making about what jobs are or are not acceptable. It's so foreign to me. That's a great starting salary and should put both you and PGY-1 husband on solid financial footing. You can kill any debt you have, save and invest for a better future, a better family, more peace and stability and less worry. I'd be like "Hell yeah!" if my spouse landed a good job, since she's part of the partnership.

    I don't have relationship advice on how to deal with your husband -- someone here said it will get worse. That's certainly possible. I just wish there was a way to smack insecurity and ego out of somebody and fix them.

    My only suggestion in this post is to ask this employer if they can help support your green card and vouch for your value to stay in this country to work. I hope you accept the job offer, and best wishes with the personal situation.
     
  7. grebes4lyfe

    grebes4lyfe c/o 2023 hopeful

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    I feel like esp if it’s a govt job... they should be able to sponsor you?

    That said, I know that being an immigrant with ANY visa insecurity is especially scary right now in this country, so I understand your hesitation. I’m sorry you’re in such a tough spot :(
     
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