Saying goodbye to my GF

[okayplayer]

Hey guys,

Just wanted someone to hopefully reassure me that med school is worth it, that long distance relationships CAN work, etc. because I just graduated from college and had to say goodbye to my girlfriend (going to Europe for 6 weeks and then moving to my med school) and that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We're extremely close.

I've wanted to go to med school for so long, and now that I have made it, it seems like this is all I think about.

Anything encouraging for me?

Thanks.

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[njbmd]

Hey guys,

Just wanted someone to hopefully reassure me that med school is worth it, that long distance relationships CAN work, etc. because I just graduated from college and had to say goodbye to my girlfriend (going to Europe for 6 weeks and then moving to my med school) and that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We're extremely close.

I've wanted to go to med school for so long, and now that I have made it, it seems like this is all I think about.

Anything encouraging for me?

Thanks.

Hi there,
You are setting out on a journey. If you relationship is going to make it, it will weather this separation. Planes, trains and autos all run in two directions. There are also phones and e-mail. Use them to keep in touch. You are NOT going into a monestery and she is not going into the convent. Both of you will grow and change. It is probably better to have the distance so that you can concentrate on your studies then plan to get together on vacations and holidays when you can devote 100% of your time to the relationship without guilt.

njbmd

 

[okayplayer]

Hi there,
You are setting out on a journey. If you relationship is going to make it, it will weather this separation. Planes, trains and autos all run in two directions. There are also phones and e-mail. Use them to keep in touch. You are NOT going into a monestery and she is not going into the convent. Both of you will grow and change. It is probably better to have the distance so that you can concentrate on your studies then plan to get together on vacations and holidays when you can devote 100% of your time to the relationship without guilt.

njbmd

Thanks. That makes a lot of sense. I guess in a way it would be much more frustrating to live in the same town and not be able to see eachother because I was too busy or something.

She's going to be plenty busy herself...taking a year off and then going to law school.

 

[Cinnameg]

Hey guys,

Just wanted someone to hopefully reassure me that med school is worth it, that long distance relationships CAN work, etc. because I just graduated from college and had to say goodbye to my girlfriend (going to Europe for 6 weeks and then moving to my med school) and that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We're extremely close.

I've wanted to go to med school for so long, and now that I have made it, it seems like this is all I think about.

Anything encouraging for me?

Thanks.

I think your long distance relationship will work because you WANT it to work. I am also about to move to go to medical school. My boyfriend is in his 4th year of a PhD program in math here at Berkeley, and we tried to figure out what would happen if we did long distance. We figured out that we would be apart for a minimum of 4 years, while I was in medical school, because there just aren't good academic jobs for mathematicians in Portland . . . and in fact there are few enough math jobs out there that he pretty much has to be able to go anywhere for his post-docs. Then, after 4 years apart, I would have to somehow get a residency position wherever he was located, with no guarantee that he would stay located in that place during the entire time I was there. Then I might have to move again to follow him. In any case, it looked impossible, and it probably would be impossible. At some point, trying to do long distance for years, one of us would give up, or drop the ball and not call/email enough, etc etc. We decided to end our relationship on good terms with an incredibly romantic 3-week trip to Italy and Paris, and then say our goodbyes and not do long distance. We love each other, but we aren't hopeless romantics, and we made the pragmatic decision.

The fact that you and your girlfriend have not made the same decision that my boyfriend and I made bodes very well for your relationship, in my opinion. I wish you all the best.

 

[hjt]

I started a long distance relationship in college (2 yrs) and through first year of med school, and it has been VERY hard. I'm now actually engaged, and my fiance is moving closer to me within same state, 4hr drive away (he was lucky with a graduate program transfer). Otherwise, I don't think our relationship would have been workable for 3 more years on top of the 3 years before.

From past experience, plane tix of $200-300 was acceptable while I was in college, but where I ended up for med school was costing us $550+ for a round trip and we hardly saw each other last year because of the cost. Just some practical concerns. In any case, I don't know if money is an issue even if you can find the time to visit each other. I'd say one flight away is do-able (no transfers) because that cuts down travel time and it's easier to visit. If you have to transfer flights, that usually means many hours on the road, and with the weekend being so short, there's no time to actually see your significant other.

Good luck.

 

[Darth Asclepius]

I've done the long distance relationship thing off and on (meaning we're sometimes in the same place) for about 3 out of 4 years with my boyfriend because he's in the military and I was in college and then med school. It has been fine. It's not always easy, but if you love each other, trust each other, and can go on living your lives when you're not around each other, you can do it. We have a great relationship and we're both very happy. We plan to get married before I finish med school. We miss each other, but we're not unhappy when we're apart. I think that's the key.

I have friends who have both successfully and unsuccessfully tried long distance relationships. I think the ones that make it are the ones that are built on a good foundation and both people are able to be happy despite the distance. If either of you depends on the other's presence for their happiness, it's going to be very difficult because you won't be together a lot of the time and it's even harder when you are absolutely miserable or you know your partner is miserable because you just got back on the plane. I'm not saying that it doesn't suck to say goodbye. It always does. But if you can get over that quickly and get back to what you're supposed to be doing, you'll be okay. There are times when it will be really hard (birthdays, holidays- although you might be together for those- my boyfriend gets deployed), but you'll get through it. As long as the long distance relationship itself doesn't make you miserable, you should be fine.

So, in summary, long distance relationships can work and you can have a very happy, loving, supportive relationship despite the distance. One of my friends just told me that I'm the happiest med student she knows. It doesn't have to make you miserable. And also keep in mind that if you didn't go to med school despite the impact on your relationship, you would always regret it. You're doing the right thing. If the relationship is meant to work, it will.

 

[rockchalkdoc]

My now wife and I did the long distance thing for a while, we were 1200 miles apart, but it worked. The best tip I have is be open and honest, you have to constantly communicate and say what you feel. It is hard on the phone because you can't see the nonverbals. The one other suggestion I have for you is to write letters, then don't talk about them. We would write letters to each other asking the random deep stuff you find in "if" books, but then we couldn't talk about them on the phone. It was always nice to receive a hand written letter and find out more about the person you love. Best of luck!

 

[Darth Asclepius]

The best tip I have is be open and honest, you have to constantly communicate and say what you feel. It is hard on the phone because you can't see the nonverbals.

I'll second that. You have to be direct and say what you mean. Although you can pick up a lot by the sound of someone's voice, it's a lot easier if you take out the guesswork and just say what you really want to say.

 

[infiniti]

I think you can do long distance relationships only if you have a solid relationship with your patner. A shaky or rather new relationship will most likely succumb to the challenges created by distance. I guess the chances of success is also dependent on personality. Relatively independent people are more likely to succeed under these circumstances.

 

[chrisjohn]

Encouraging?

Nope.

Be honest with yourselves. Would you be with each other if sex was removed from the equation? Don't mean to sound like a church lady, I'm far from it, but relationships that stand up to a long distance separation are more complex than those revolving around 2.5xweek sexual intercourse.

Now for some real honesty. If you have ANY doubt about your relationship making it. IT WON’T. So take a deep look inside and leave all other considerations aside especially the superfluous.

Sometimes love isn’t enough. People are imperfect, fragile.

 

[GuP]

lol

some people in here can give dr. phil a run for his money

 

[betty7]

lol

some people in here can give dr. phil a run for his money

I am in the a similar situation and have the same concerns. I will be starting med school in the fall and my BF will be starting his phd program in economics. So far, I will be in the bronx and he will be in Boston. (if I get in off the BU waitlist then this will cease to be a problem) but I would like to be realistic and not bank on that. We have been together for 5 years and I just feel a bit discouraged that we might have to be apart for 4 years! We have a very strong relationship but nonetheless I am still scared. It helped to read this and realize that others are in similar situations.

 

[gostudy]

Get a buddycam. It's refreshing to see the face you love in a matter of seconds.

 

[Psycho Doctor]

Hey guys,

Just wanted someone to hopefully reassure me that med school is worth it, that long distance relationships CAN work, etc. because I just graduated from college and had to say goodbye to my girlfriend (going to Europe for 6 weeks and then moving to my med school) and that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We're extremely close.

I've wanted to go to med school for so long, and now that I have made it, it seems like this is all I think about.

Anything encouraging for me?

Thanks.

it definitely can work but you have to work at it. I've been dating my present gf now for almost 4 years. Two full years we were apart except for visits. This semester while I'm in med school, she's in Australia, and we're still making it. I'm not going to say it's not lonely at times but at least she doesn't expect me to be able to be with her nights when I need to study. You have to trust one and other and be willing to compromise and sacrifice.

 

[Psycho Doctor]

I think your long distance relationship will work because you WANT it to work. I am also about to move to go to medical school. My boyfriend is in his 4th year of a PhD program in math here at Berkeley, and we tried to figure out what would happen if we did long distance. We figured out that we would be apart for a minimum of 4 years, while I was in medical school, because there just aren't good academic jobs for mathematicians in Portland . . . and in fact there are few enough math jobs out there that he pretty much has to be able to go anywhere for his post-docs. Then, after 4 years apart, I would have to somehow get a residency position wherever he was located, with no guarantee that he would stay located in that place during the entire time I was there. Then I might have to move again to follow him. In any case, it looked impossible, and it probably would be impossible. At some point, trying to do long distance for years, one of us would give up, or drop the ball and not call/email enough, etc etc. We decided to end our relationship on good terms with an incredibly romantic 3-week trip to Italy and Paris, and then say our goodbyes and not do long distance. We love each other, but we aren't hopeless romantics, and we made the pragmatic decision.

The fact that you and your girlfriend have not made the same decision that my boyfriend and I made bodes very well for your relationship, in my opinion. I wish you all the best.

I can NEVER imagine doing that. I'd never break it up, I'd try to make it work; if it's meant to be, it will work out; if it's not, it will fall apart on its own. i know others who have done that and it never made sense to me. I can't imagine 'an incredibly romantic 3-week trip to Italy and Paris' and then breaking up. If I truly loved her it would tear me up and I couldn't even enjoy the trip knowing we were saying goodbye. But to each their own.

 

[BDB4U]

I changed my mind. good luck

 

[Darth Asclepius]

I can NEVER imagine doing that. I'd never break it up, I'd try to make it work; if it's meant to be, it will work out; if it's not, it will fall apart on its own.

I think her point was that they didn't want to watch it fall apart on its own. That's hard too. I guess they wanted to remember the good times, not the relationship falling apart and ending badly.

 

[OddNath]

Thanks. That makes a lot of sense. I guess in a way it would be much more frustrating to live in the same town and not be able to see eachother because I was too busy or something.

She's going to be plenty busy herself...taking a year off and then going to law school.

Being busy does help-- my boyfriend (of close to 4 years) has been working abroad for the past 3 months, haven't seen him at all, but it's been going fine. We talk on the phone ~once a week and email alot. It also helps that our relationship was in a very stable place when he left. (we'll see each other periodically starting June)

I thought of it this way-- I figured this would be 15 months of me living alone for once in my life, with the relationship not at the forefront of our lives. Which really isn't that big of a deal since we both have so much going on. And I actually really like living alone, and this may be the only time in my life that I get to do it. Point is, try to spin the situation in a positive manner

 

[Psycho Doctor]

I think her point was that they didn't want to watch it fall apart on its own. That's hard too. I guess they wanted to remember the good times, not the relationship falling apart and ending badly.

perhaps, but i can't imagine just giving it up. She doesn't know for sure it will fall apart; i'd rather work at it and take the chance; hopefully it won't fall apart and if it does, then we've created even more romantic memories.

 

[fun8stuff]

Hey guys,

Just wanted someone to hopefully reassure me that med school is worth it, that long distance relationships CAN work, etc. because I just graduated from college and had to say goodbye to my girlfriend (going to Europe for 6 weeks and then moving to my med school) and that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We're extremely close.

I've wanted to go to med school for so long, and now that I have made it, it seems like this is all I think about.

Anything encouraging for me?

Thanks.

how long have you been with your gf? how serious is your relationship? med school is not worth losing the girl of your dreams. however, long distance relationships CAN work, but it really depends a lot on the couple. you should be bringing her with you to europe and med school.

 

[cfdavid]

Hey guys,

Just wanted someone to hopefully reassure me that med school is worth it, that long distance relationships CAN work, etc. because I just graduated from college and had to say goodbye to my girlfriend (going to Europe for 6 weeks and then moving to my med school) and that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We're extremely close.

I've wanted to go to med school for so long, and now that I have made it, it seems like this is all I think about.

Anything encouraging for me?

Thanks.

Europe's one thing. But, can she move to the city your med school is in???
Does she feel the same way? If so, you can make it work. But, proximity is pretty important man. Good luck.

 

[okayplayer]

Europe's one thing. But, can she move to the city your med school is in???
Does she feel the same way? If so, you can make it work. But, proximity is pretty important man. Good luck.

We're from the same state and I recently got rejected from my state school (University of Washington) after being on the waitlist. If I would've got in we would be in the same city and living together I'm sure.

As it is, my options are in Arizona (accepted), St. Louis (waitlist), and Chicago (waitlist). She is taking the year "off" (working, studying and taking the LSAT and applying to law school). Conceivably she could move with me to med school, but we didn't feel comfortable with that because I would be the only person she knew there and we wouldn't have much time to spend together. Besides, it would only be for the 1 year at a maximum because after that she'd probably be somewhere else for law school.

So as it is, we're going to have to do summer/winter/spring breaks, as frequent of trips as possible back and forth for her/me, etc. She's going to apply to law schools wherever I end up, but it's probably a long shot.

 

[stargirl50]

my boyfriend and i did the long distance thing all through college, and i second what everyone else on here is saying. if you both are committed, you can make it work. i just wanted to tell you that there are way more people in my class now in long distance relationships than i would have expected-- i can think of a couple who are even married whose spouses live in a city a couple of hours away. i just bet you wont be the only one in your class in this situation, and it always helps to have someone to commiserate with when things get tough. good luck!

 

[omgwtfbbq?]

okay... i know it seems like it's just a year... but my boyfriend is applying to grad school next year and is moving with me to med school. yeah, he'll have to leave after the first year, but we're going to try and make it work, and its one less year that we have to be apart. he's a self sufficient guy who can keep himself busy while i study. neither of us have friends where i'll be going (Az) but you meet people. why isn't she coming to europe with you?

 

[Ezekiel20]

Webcam chat on MSN is a great way to keep in touch - seeing each other's face makes the distance between you and the other person seem much less.

It's totally free, and it's basically like talking on the phone, except that it's totally free if you already have access to the internet, and with a decent internet connection, you can get quite smooth video as well.

My gf/fiancee lives 5 min away, but my parents live on the opposite side of the world. Me and my parents chat for about 1 hr a week on MSN via webcam, and i don't feel like they're too far away.

 

[epalantequevoy]

i've been in a long distance relationship for a year now, and i think a couple things have helped us maintain it and both be happy.
1. we talk on the phone every night, it doesn't matter if i have a test the next day, i'll quit studying a half hour early or something
2. we try to visit each other as much as possible (every 4-8 weeks). 8 weeks sucks, but 4-5 weeks is not really too big of a deal. we also make 3 day weekends out of the visits and i'll just skip class to go see her, as long as i don't have a lab or something
3. we're both busy. i think this is key, because we can both be independent and focus on our individual lives/training, and not feel like we're cheating ourselves out of good educations or training.

good luck.

 

[Cinnameg]

I think her point was that they didn't want to watch it fall apart on its own. That's hard too. I guess they wanted to remember the good times, not the relationship falling apart and ending badly.

That, and we just cannot see an end to the long distance at any point. There would be nothing to necessarily look forward to in the future -- we couldn't say, well, it's only 4 years, and after that we'll be together forever. We probably wouldn't.

 

[Sammich81]

If you think that there is a strong chance of you marrying this woman, then give it a shot. If not, you may be like many others (and this is not a bad thing) who decide that with this big change in your life, this relationship is not going to make it for the long-term. Your first year in medical school is a huge transition--your class is so small that it almost feels like being in high school again. You get very close, and you spend nearly all your time with these people. Whatever you decide to do with your girlfriend, don't miss out on forming bonds with your classmates because you're busy talking to her on the phone or visiting her! These people are going to be with you every day; they are going to be the ones to support you when you think life sucks a little too much. These are your drinking buddies for the next four years and beyond.

That rant aside, I am a soon to be MS4 and my boyfriend graduated last year and is a surgical intern 7 hours away. We made it work by:
1. Talking on the phone daily
2. Seeing each other once a month or more if possible--this may mean each of us drives halfway and we spend the night in a hotel if we can only spare one day and not a whole weekend. (Sounds skanky doesn't it? But after four years together it's not like that )
3. Finding ways to be happy without each other. No one likes talking to a crabby miserable significant other.
4. Having realistic expectations about what our visits will be like. I wasn't ready for how being apart would change our relationship. Every visit wasn't the candlelight-and-roses reunion I expected. It takes awhile to get used to being together again. I found that the less I built up my expectations, the more fun we had together.
5. Try to find a way to know when the separation will be over, whether that means her making getting into law school near you a priority or you considering transferring to wherever she gets in (she would have to apply to programs in major cities, probably, to make this more likely).

Best of luck! I hate long distance, but I'm glad I did it.

 

[BlondeCookie]

Why didn't you ask her to marry you? I assume that you didn't because you never mentioned it. Who knows? She might say yes.

If you don't ask her to marry you, my opinion is that you may have a higher than normal chance of straying and meeting someone else. Same could happen for her as well.

 

[IHaveLab]

That, and we just cannot see an end to the long distance at any point. There would be nothing to necessarily look forward to in the future -- we couldn't say, well, it's only 4 years, and after that we'll be together forever. We probably wouldn't.

Cinnameg-
I just want to say that I think you and your SO made a brave choice to break up on good terms, given your circumstances, and I admire you. I'm sure you two chose the path that was right for you, and it annoys me that you have to justify your decision to the smack-talkers on SDN.
-Lab

 

[TypeA]

My husband and I spent our entire courtship 1700 miles apart. Someone already said it...be open and honest. Remember that as tired as you may be, the other person can' see your face. It is all in the voice. It can be done. In fact, I don't know that I would have preferred it any other way. The situation forces you to communicate. It allowed us to get started on a strong foothold.

Good luck. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Remember that you must verbalize what you think your body is saying.

 

[Cinnameg]

Cinnameg-
I just want to say that I think you and your SO made a brave choice to break up on good terms, given your circumstances, and I admire you. I'm sure you two chose the path that was right for you, and it annoys me that you have to justify your decision to the smack-talkers on SDN.
-Lab

Thanks for the support.
It's not been easy -- we made this decision a while ago -- and it's going to be hard to grieve and start over, but I do know that this is the right choice for us.

 

[Psycho Doctor]

Cinnameg-
I just want to say that I think you and your SO made a brave choice to break up on good terms, given your circumstances, and I admire you. I'm sure you two chose the path that was right for you, and it annoys me that you have to justify your decision to the smack-talkers on SDN.
-Lab

If you are referring to my comment....I merely said I could never do that; it would never have worked for either of my long distance relationships; we knew we had to try it and it worked for us. I'm sure she knew what was best for her.

 

[pocketdoc]

Thanks for the support.
It's not been easy -- we made this decision a while ago -- and it's going to be hard to grieve and start over, but I do know that this is the right choice for us.

Hey cinnameg, my bf and I are going through a similar thing right now. Good for you for being honest with yourselves! We've decided not to do the ldr thing either, although I'm trying to stay in-state with him (pending tuition concerns at OHSU) and that may work...anyways, just trying to commiserate. Best wishes!

 

[Cinnameg]

Hey cinnameg, my bf and I are going through a similar thing right now. Good for you for being honest with yourselves! We've decided not to do the ldr thing either, although I'm trying to stay in-state with him (pending tuition concerns at OHSU) and that may work...anyways, just trying to commiserate. Best wishes!

Are you going to OHSU as well? If so, I'll see you there!!!

 

[pocketdoc]

Are you going to OHSU as well? If so, I'll see you there!!!

I don't know...I'm 58 on the alternate list, and hoping I can get in-state tuition. We'll just have to see. I hope I'll see you there!