Sex, Family, Love, and keeping a balance

[neurona]

Hi,

I hope you are all well. I am at the library right now, taking a break from studying for a Public Health midterm I have on friday (on Biostats). It's rainy outside and I feel alone. I feel alone even if I have "everything I need." I am safe, I have a home, I have a close family, and I have a great boyfriend. Right now, however, I am not getting along with my father for many reasons and we have stopped talking to each other altogether. As well, ever since I started my master's program (and about a month before that), my med student boyfriend has noticed that I am not as likely to have sex every day and that I fall asleep at 10:30 or 11. This has made us argue about (1) me not being able to stay awake (I work better in the morning) long enough so that we could have sex when he's finished studying, and (2) about having sex once (when we do have it) instead of the 4 or 5 times we used to have it when we first started.

Last night, I fell asleep before my boyfriend did. I woke up at 3 (not intending to) and realized that I had missed the opp. to have sex. I knew he would be upset (or not so happy) in the morning. So I tried to caress him to see if he would respond (I wasn't actually expecting him to! It was 3 am after all!) and he said he was too tired. I was totally cool with that. So I got up to write him a letter. My letter said that I was really sorry about not being as "sexual" as usual and that I wanted to work something out with him so that we felt satisfied while also allowing him to stay up late and allowing me to sleep. Perhaps have sex earlier in the day?

He read the letter in the morning and his response was not a happy one. I asked him what he thought and he said, "I don't know--whatever. I don't know why this is an issue." Well.. I thought... it IS an issue because I feel like you're mad at me every time we miss a chance to do it. So I asked if he wanted to talk about it... NO! I NEED TO GET TO SCHOOL. I AM LATE. ... Okay, so I kissed him goodbye at the front door and have called him on my cell several times today. Just to see how he's doing... maybe just to reassure myself that everything is okay.

There's a lot more to this story... such as the fact that I cleaned up his roommate's mess (just a pile of newspapers) that my boyfriend was upset about. I knew his roommate wouldn't clean up the mess-- so I did it... just to relieve some med student stress. I mean, since I'm not as busy as a med student, I figured I could help a little. Well... my BF got mad at me for that. He said that that was bothersome and that I should not clean his roommate's mess because otherwise he wouldn't learn his lesson.

I also made the mistake of asking my BF why he was distant yesterday. I take it I'm stupid and should have thought that he was just tired from being on call the night before.

Anyway, I just need to vent. I feel really alone right now. I've cried... and I don't know if it is because of the weather or because of the idea that I have so much on my plate. I have always been a source of support for my BF, but now that I can't be as much because I'm a student, I have to support myself, too. I just wish I had someone calling me as much as I call my BF... just reminding me that things will be okay with school and that I am doing a good job... and that I am great and wonderful and all that silly stuff that people say when they're trying to get you to smile. I hope this feeling passes. I hope that I get into the swing of being in school again soon. Am I weak for feeling like I need someone to cheer me on? Am I doing something wrong? Should I set the alarm for the time my BF goes to bed, so that I don't miss having sex with him?

I love him and care about him very much. And I want him to be happy. I just don't know how I'm going to be a great student, keep a balance with family, and meet my BF's needs. I guess that's the 1 million dollar question, huh?

I hope that I look back on this and smile--- very soon!!!

---

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[gildas]

Hey come on, don't be sad, be happy. You guys just need to work it out, I think the best way is to find a good time to talk. Well when it comes to sex, I know how frustuating it can be (when one wants to but the other is not in the mood), but it's not your fault. I am pretty sure it is because of the work. Anyway put a smile on and take little bit of time off whenever you are done with the midterm and spend it with your boyfriend and do an activity that you both enjoy (together).
Hope this help.
Wish you the best.

 

[jennie 21]

My honest opinion? Your boyfriend's acting like a jerk. (I'm not saying he IS a jerk, just that he's acting like one right now. We all do that sometimes and when he's post-call is likely to be one of those times). I wouldn't put too much stock into anything he says when he's this tired. Sounds like he's just tired and in a bad mood right now, not much you can do about that. Don't get stuck in the trap of thinking it's YOUR problem and you just should try harder to please him. I've done that before, and in my experience trying too hard to please someone who obviously doesn't want to be pleased right then just makes things worse, and makes you resentful, and makes them lose respect for you anyways because you're acting like a pushover. Don't bend over backwards to please him and assume it's your fault he's in a bad mood (now if I could only take my own advice more often!!).

Honestly? It doesn't sound to me like he has much to complain about. If you're not in the mood to have sex every single day, that's okay. You're not obligated. And if he's upset because you're only doing it once when you do it instead of 4-5 times...well, I really don't know what to say. Props to both of you for your stamina if you can do it 4-5 times in a row! If he's getting it most nights, he's lucky and has nothing to complain about...I think 2-4X a week is pretty average for most couples (at least after the first year or so of a relationship). You're not obligated to be "available" to him whenever he wants it and you certainly don't need to set your alarm clock and wake up in the middle of the night just because he wants to do it! If he wants sex that badly you guys can have sex during the day, like you suggested, or he could start going to bed earlier. It sounds like you're being ultra-flexible here and he needs to flex, too. It's not a one-way street.

Honestly, though, his response to your letter that you wrote him (which sounds really nice to me, I don't think you were wrong to write it) and the fact that he's yelling at you for cleaning up after his roommate makes me think he's just cranky and in a bad mood right now. Guys get like that sometimes, and you just have to let them get over it on their own. Right now might be a good time to give him some space. If you're at all like me you freak out about giving him space because you think the fact that he needs it means there's something wrong...but it doesn't necessarily mean there's anything majorly wrong. Sometimes guys just need space. It may have nothing to do with you. He may have some other problem that he's trying to work out and needs to deal with it on his own; it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. (Take a look at the Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus website, at the part where John Grey explains about how men "go into their caves" when they're upset and need time to think things through alone. I think most of his stuff is kind of lightweight BS but this particular concept was helpful for me).

Anyway, he's probably just in a bad mood. But if he keeps on treating you like this, don't put up with it forever! You sound like a very loving, caring girlfriend and it doesn't sound to me like you're doing anything wrong here. If he keeps on snapping at you and being mean it's time to set down some boundaries and give him a reality check. He shouldn't be treating you that way and the longer you put up with it the harder it will be to fix. Stand up for yourself and demand to be treated politely and with respect. YOU'RE not doing anything wrong here and bending over backwards to please him is just gonna make things worse.

Anyway, good luck with everything and I hope he snaps out of his bad mood soon!

 

[bjackrian]

Good call jennie 21! And to neurona, hang in there. I think everyone definitely has those times where you feel like something's wrong. It sounds like you have a pretty serious, stable relationship (discounting the last few days), and this sounds like one of those things you won't even remember a couple months from now. Hang in there!

 

[alison_in_oh]

Hrm. When you get the chance, talk to him. Tell him how you feel, don't be accusatory, just explain things from your perspective, and then listen: not judging when he explains things back.

How long have you two been together? My then-boyfriend and I boinked like bunnies at first but over the years the frequency tapers. In particular, studying and call do get in the way nowadays, and my husband has been known to apologize for crashing into bed and being asleep the moment his head hits the pillow -- even after an amorous romantic evening designed to "set the mood". You've both gotta be really flexible (no, not THAT way ) when it comes to intimacy. Don't count missed opportunities as a bad thing -- it'll just make things more special next time, eh?

I remember those crazy times early in the relationship..."I don't know why you're upset, but I have an idea, but I don't know why that would make you so angry, here let me do everything I can to make it up to you"...it's natural, it's frustrating, it's painful. Eventually it boils down to A) communicate!! and B) get some breathing room. If he's standoffish, let him be. Even leave him totally alone for a while. This might give him the chance to work things over in his head and come back to you happy with the problems on his end solved to his satisfaction. I, too, like jennie 21, am very happy to know it's normal for "men to go into their cave" and to know how to deal with it -- that's the main thing that makes me want to recommend Men are from Mars to other couples!

You are not weak. You are not doing anything wrong. You are a great girlfriend, and you *will* get through the rough patch! Med school is really, really rough on relationships of all kinds. It will get worse before it gets better, so stand strong.

 

[CoffeeMug]

I love it when med students do the whole "I'm-a-med-student-so-you-must-change-to-fit-me-because-I-work-oh-so-hard" crap. Everyone works hard. Most women do a full time job and manage to find time to clean the house, cook, do laundry and spend some time with their kids. The fact that someone is a med student does not entitle them to special privilidges. Medical school is not *that* hard, certainly not harder than many people's lives. Tell your boyfriend to get off his high horse until it's too late - one day he might fall off of it.

 

[Sohalia]

I love it when med students do the whole "I'm-a-med-student-so-you-must-change-to-fit-me-because-I-work-oh-so-hard" crap. Everyone works hard. Most women do a full time job and manage to find time to clean the house, cook, do laundry and spend some time with their kids. The fact that someone is a med student does not entitle them to special privilidges. Medical school is not *that* hard, certainly not harder than many people's lives. Tell your boyfriend to get off his high horse until it's too late - one day he might fall off of it.

As a female med student I would say that this attitude is not a med student thing so much as a male thing--(a lot of) guys like to perpetuate the idea that what they're doing is more important than what you're doing. I have encountered this in dating fellow (male) med students, as well as residents.

I think it goes back to unequal ideas about gender being so prevalent in society. If you want an equal relationship this type of crap should not be the norm (things falling out of whack every once in a while is ok--long periods of this is not).

P.S. Being a med student is very hard. Being a med student AND keeping a clean home, keeping good food in the kitchen, finding the energy to exercise regularly and having enough fun to keep it all in perspective is even harder. If I had a person in my life to help me do all that you can bet I'd be *damn* grateful and interested in keeping him/her happy....Sounds like your boyfriend is complaining because he doesn't realize how good he has it. Maybe if he keeps it up you should remind him

 

[LADoc00]

As a female med student I would say that this attitude is not a med student thing so much as a male thing--(a lot of) guys like to perpetuate the idea that they're doing is more important than what you're doing. I have encountered this in dating fellow (male) med students, as well as residents.

I think it goes back to unequal gender roles being so prevalent in society. If you want an equal relationship this type of crap should not be the norm (things falling out of whack every once in a while is ok--long periods of this is not).

Nice feminist soapbox. Is that personal experience or a cut-and-paste job from ivillage?

 

[Sohalia]

Nice feminist soapbox. Is that personal experience or a cut-and-paste job from ivillage?

This is my experience. Yours may be different. I don't appreciate your "roll eyes". It lacks maturity. I don't really care if you don't understand what I'm saying, but you don't have to (try to) denigrate it.

 

[LADoc00]

This is my experience. Yours may be different. I don't appreciate your "roll eyes". It lacks maturity. I don't really care if you don't understand what I'm saying, but you don't have to (try) to denigrate it.

If you read the OPs other posts, one minute its "I love my MIII, he took me dancing!" then next its "Oh My MIII is ignoring me!" HUH?

He doesnt have the problem, she does.

And your concept of gender inequity is immature and one sided. If I had a nickel for every self-righteous female doc Ive had to work with who felt what they did made them all-important in the medical world, Id be Bill Gates part deux. Its a two-way street, sista. And you can take that to your next NOW meeting.

 

[Sohalia]

If you read the OPs other posts, one minute its "I love my MIII, he took me dancing!" then next its "Oh My MIII is ignoring me!" HUH?

He doesnt have the problem, she does.

And your concept of gender inequity is immature and one sided. If I had a nickel for every self-righteous female doc Ive had to work with who felt what they did made them all-important in the medical world, Id be Bill Gates part deux. Its a two-way street, sista. And you can take that to your next NOW meeting.

LADoc00, no I haven't read anything else by this OP (at least I don't remember if I have). I was just responding to what she wrote in this thread. As to your opinion of my concept of gender inequity, really it doesn't matter to me. I've had my experiences as an indian/female/medical student/etc./etc. and you've had yours as whatever you are. Seems like your experiences in life have been different than mine. That's fine. If men in your sphere are pretty into equal relationships (as in: no physical, verbal, or emotional abuse--just *nice*) I'd thank you to send some of those my way when you get a chance...
As an aside, why so uppity? Of course it's a 2 way street. It's not an insult to be a NOW member anyway...hmm.

 

[ice_23]

Nice feminist soapbox. Is that personal experience or a cut-and-paste job from ivillage?

LADoc (even though I agree with you), this thread is also not intended to be rational. It's supposed to make the OP feel better. If you read the responses like that, they're easier to accept.

I hope you feel better, Neurona.

-Ice

 

[Sohalia]

If you read the OPs other posts, one minute its "I love my MIII, he took me dancing!" then next its "Oh My MIII is ignoring me!" HUH?

He doesnt have the problem, she does.

And your concept of gender inequity is immature and one sided. If I had a nickel for every self-righteous female doc Ive had to work with who felt what they did made them all-important in the medical world, Id be Bill Gates part deux. Its a two-way street, sista. And you can take that to your next NOW meeting.

I realized what it is about this post that doesn't make sense. Ok, the OP is saying that her medical student bf is not treating her well (or at least wasn't at the time of the post). In your post you are complaining about the attitude of female doctors in the workplace. It's not the same thing. A med student or doctor using his/her position ("I work so hard, can you do my laundry for the next 8 years?") to extort services from his/her partner is not fair to the partner. Probably female med students/doctors do do this to some extent, but I would bet, given traditional gender roles, that it is male medical students/doctors who more often have things done for them to make their lives run more smoothly without reciprocating. I'm not saying this is right AND I'm not saying men are evil smelly monkeys. I'm just, you know, saying...

 

[neurona]

Hi, LaDoc. You say the probelm is mine. However, through some serious investigation, I came to the realization this past Friday that there was a case of infidelity in my relationship. I was shocked. In reviewing my posts, I don't believe I have the problem. I merely posted both positive and negative aspects of what I am living. In general, I am convinced that I have always been a good girlfriend to my MSIII.

To the rest of you: I have sorted through lots of things since Friday... and have more to sort through. Thank you for your help and advice.

Happy studying! (I can finally concentrate after clarifying so much regarding my relationship.) Hope all is well!

 

[ice_23]

I'm not saying this is right AND I'm not saying men are evil smelly monkeys. I'm just, you know, saying...

No, what you're doing is generalizing. That's bound to make someone upset.

-Ice

P.S. Neurona, I'm sorry about the infidelity. That's completely unacceptable.

 

[jennie 21]

Oh, Neurona. I'm so sorry. That isn't even remotely acceptable. Did he tell you, or did you find out? What are you going to do now?

 

[Peeshee]

Oh, Neurona. I'm so sorry. That isn't even remotely acceptable. Did he tell you, or did you find out? What are you going to do now?

I'm sure that was very upsetting to hear about his infidelity.

See, that is why women have these instincts. The OP felt as if something was not right in the relationship, and in the end, it turns out she had a good reason to feel that way! That is why I think that women should follow their instincts! More times than not, they will be correct that something is just not right. They may not be able to pinpoint the exact reason though.

I hope that this will turn out for the best for both of you.