Should men ask women if they can kiss them before kissing them?

Jan 16, 2014
457
59
Status
Non-Student
Or is that too unmanly? I've never been kissed unfortunately so I'm wondering how to tackle this challenge.
 
Jan 18, 2006
16,877
14,956
Status
Veterinarian
It's not unmanly, but it's not necessary. You can generally tell if a woman (or anyone) is trying to avoid physical contact or is actively seeking it. Watch the placement of the body and head (i.e. towards you or away), does he or she maintain proximity or is there a big space bubble, etc.

At most, you can say something like. "You know, I'd really like to kiss you." Not a question placing pressure on either her or you, but more a statement of fact and a communication of interest. This places the ball in her court as to how to respond and will give you a much better idea of her interest level as well.
 

WildZoo

Illegal in all 50, Unlynchable Wolf
Gold Donor
5+ Year Member
Apr 18, 2013
45,263
64,250
The doll factory
Status
Veterinary Student
Lol at the macho men ITT
 
Oct 27, 2013
4,212
1,359
Status
Resident [Any Field]
Or is that too unmanly? I've never been kissed unfortunately so I'm wondering how to tackle this challenge.
Most of the communication women make with you is really non verbal and if it is verbal its kind of indirect, she will start laughing, and stuff that is not even supposed to be funny.
 

Mad Jack

Critically Caring
5+ Year Member
Jul 27, 2013
35,552
65,170
4th Dimension
It's not even about it being unmanly, it's that it just wrecks the mood much of the time. There's a flow to things you need to kind of just feel.
 

touchpause13

nolite te bastardes carborundorum
5+ Year Member
Jun 25, 2012
14,430
14,026
The North
It's not even about it being unmanly, it's that it just wrecks the mood much of the time. There's a flow to things you need to kind of just feel.
I like WTFs approach. I'm a talker and there's ways to phrase things to make it more sexy, not less.
 
Sep 24, 2015
1
0
You've never been kissed but have you been in a situation where you think your partner wants you to kiss her? Lol to answer your question, I would say just kiss her. It's not unmanly otherwise, but it's awkward and very unnecessary. And what if she wanted to but felt shy/insecure/whatever and said no after you ask the question. Carpe diem man. Good luck!
 

Firegrove

almost salty
2+ Year Member
Oct 24, 2015
61
45
Status
Medical Student (Accepted)
Or is that too unmanly? I've never been kissed unfortunately so I'm wondering how to tackle this challenge.
Don't ask, tell them you are going to kiss them and then do it. That way you preserve their autonomy (you informed them what you were doing and they passively accepted) and you still got to get your kiss on.
 

touchpause13

nolite te bastardes carborundorum
5+ Year Member
Jun 25, 2012
14,430
14,026
The North
Don't ask, tell them you are going to kiss them and then do it. That way you preserve their autonomy (you informed them what you were doing and they passively accepted) and you still got to get your kiss on.
Yeah... I wouldn't advise this with anything more than a kiss.
 

Mad Jack

Critically Caring
5+ Year Member
Jul 27, 2013
35,552
65,170
4th Dimension
Don't ask, tell them you are going to kiss them and then do it. That way you preserve their autonomy (you informed them what you were doing and they passively accepted) and you still got to get your kiss on.
I can't say exactly why but this particular strategy rubs me the wrong way.
 
Jan 18, 2006
16,877
14,956
Status
Veterinarian
Don't ask, tell them you are going to kiss them and then do it. That way you preserve their autonomy (you informed them what you were doing and they passively accepted) and you still got to get your kiss on.
I'm not seeing any sort of acceptance, active or passive, if someone just physically does something to you without awaiting any sort of response or reaction.
 
Jan 18, 2006
16,877
14,956
Status
Veterinarian
I can't say exactly why but this particular strategy rubs me the wrong way.
I can definitely say why. It's boorish unless you have a very, very solid expectation that she wants you to, as discerned from previous interactions/signs. And even then there are increasing levels of sketch depending on the intensity of whatever physical interaction we are talking about - such an attitude can quickly become rapey af.
 

Firegrove

almost salty
2+ Year Member
Oct 24, 2015
61
45
Status
Medical Student (Accepted)
I'm not seeing any sort of acceptance, active or passive, if someone just physically does something to you without awaiting any sort of response or reaction.
Or is that too unmanly? I've never been kissed unfortunately so I'm wondering how to tackle this challenge.
Assumed OP wanted to take a more aggressive approach.
 
Jan 18, 2006
16,877
14,956
Status
Veterinarian
Assumed OP wanted to take a more aggressive approach.
You can be aggressive without disregarding boundaries, though. The OP does not appear to have a lot of experience communicating with women in a romantic context, and would likely be unable to read subtle signs that she wants to be/is willing to be kissed. The aggressive approach should only be used if you are quite sure it will be reciprocated, and this is usually something that is learned via experience. Telling someone who does not have a lot of experience in these situations to simply be more aggressive may set up a situation where he blindly pushes in on a person who doesn't want to be kissed (whether yet or at all, no matter).
 

touchpause13

nolite te bastardes carborundorum
5+ Year Member
Jun 25, 2012
14,430
14,026
The North
I can definitely say why. It's boorish unless you have a very, very solid expectation that she wants you to, as discerned from previous interactions/signs. And even then there are increasing levels of sketch depending on the intensity of whatever physical interaction we are talking about - such an attitude can quickly become rapey af.
Thanks for putting into words how I felt about that comment.

I've had guys try to pull **** like that on me, and I've always been able to duck out of it, but I'm sure you could catch a girl off guard who really didn't want to be kissed and then yeah. Not cool. Don't do that to people.
 

Firegrove

almost salty
2+ Year Member
Oct 24, 2015
61
45
Status
Medical Student (Accepted)
I can definitely say why. It's boorish unless you have a very, very solid expectation that she wants you to, as discerned from previous interactions/signs. And even then there are increasing levels of sketch depending on the intensity of whatever physical interaction we are talking about - such an attitude can quickly become rapey af.
Fair point, though I interpreted OP's dilemma as not being able to proceed once he reached the point bolded in quote. Certainly I do not endorse forced sexual interactions; I think my attempted deadpan on consent failed. Merely trying to establish a dialogue on more aggressive (yet acceptable) options...
 
  • Like
Reactions: WhtsThFrequency
Jan 18, 2006
16,877
14,956
Status
Veterinarian
Fair point, though I interpreted OP's dilemma as not being able to proceed once he reached the point bolded in quote. Certainly I do not endorse forced sexual interactions; I think my attempted deadpan on consent failed. Merely trying to establish a dialogue on more aggressive (yet acceptable) options...
There's nothing wrong with being confident and taking the first step - even being "aggressive" about it (although I don't like the connotations of the word, but I understand where you are coming from) as long as you don't overstep and you have a good read on the other person. But when we are talking about someone who has very little dating experience based on their post history and has never kissed a girl, being too aggressive in the face of inexperience in being around women in a romantic/sexual context can lead to disasters.
 
  • Like
Reactions: touchpause13

Firegrove

almost salty
2+ Year Member
Oct 24, 2015
61
45
Status
Medical Student (Accepted)
There's nothing wrong with being confident and taking the first step - even being "aggressive" about it (although I don't like the connotations of the word, but I understand where you are coming from) as long as you don't overstep and you have a good read on the other person. But when we are talking about someone who has very little dating experience based on their post history and has never kissed a girl, being too aggressive in the face of inexperience in being around women in a romantic/sexual context can lead to disasters.
"Forward" might be a better way to put it. I speak from personal experience when I had to step outside of my comfort zone to move forward in the relationship.
 
  • Like
Reactions: WhtsThFrequency

jl lin

7+ Year Member
Oct 9, 2009
5,098
1,261
IMHO, no it is not unmanly. My husband is one of the most genuinely manly men I have ever met. He was wise and sweet in how he asked. This impressed more, since all the other males I dated took it upon themselves to presume. Yes, it's not necessarily necessary b/c of nonverbal and chemistry stuff. But in a relatively new relationship, it shows respect, sensitivity, honor to the woman. And here's a big thing. You don't necessarily know what has happened with that woman before--how forceful someone else may have been with her--if she had been traumatized or pushed and made uncomfortable. Some people are very protective over their space and body. Unless you are really great at reading the nonverbal, you may be taking liberties that won't win you any points. OTOH, sorry to say this, but some women are in such need to be desired and thus approved by men, that they think this is OK from jump street. In a relatively new relationship, it is better to proceed with respect and caution. But not, you don't have to be an uncharging dill weed about it. Just remember that you never know what that other person has been through and if they are ready to run the bases. Either way if they like you, you'll definitely find out.

Must be a slow night on SDN. :phantom:
 
Dec 1, 2014
1,362
303
New York, New York
Status
Pre-Health (Field Undecided)
Or is that too unmanly? I've never been kissed unfortunately so I'm wondering how to tackle this challenge.
Did it occur to you that perhaps the girl is just as nervous as you? Maybe she's just as bad at being flirty and showing interest as you. You seem to have trouble 'escalating,' perhaps she has trouble/is too nervous to show said interest back.
 
  • Like
Reactions: touchpause13

Kaustikos

Archerize It
10+ Year Member
Jan 18, 2008
12,205
4,164
Always Bespin
Man,
I'll respond again. You either know or you try. You know by how she's responding to comments, holding hands, cuddling (by then, seriously). Or you try. If the girl stops you, you stop. It's not insulting. Or I don't think it's bad if you are dating a girl/hung out with her and are alone and try. She'll stop you and either say it's too fast or she's not attracted to you in that way.
You don't tell a girl you're going to kiss her. What next? Tell her when you're going to insert your penis, too?
Kissing someone isn't some scientific protocol or physical exam.....
OMG
OMG
OMG
You literally are using the guidelines on how to do a proper physical exam on a patient!
"I'm going to chest listen to your heart now, could you lay back. And now... I KISS YOU."

Sent from my 0PJA2 using Tapatalk
 
Dec 1, 2014
1,362
303
New York, New York
Status
Pre-Health (Field Undecided)
Did it occur to you that perhaps the girl is just as nervous as you? Maybe she's just as bad at being flirty and showing interest as you. You seem to have trouble 'escalating,' perhaps she has trouble/is too nervous to show said interest back.
also, in addition to this, the vibes you give off, in any situation really, are infectious. If you are visibly nervous, the person you are with will likely be nervous as well.