Significant Other Financial Arrangements?

[pianola]

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For medical and pre-medical students: If you have a significant other who currently has a job (a decent/good job, non-physician) and will have a job while you are in medical school, what is your financial arrangement?

I'm wondering, I guess, because of my current situation. I don't want to disclose much except that he has just graduated with a master's in mechanical engineering and will probably find a job before I start medical school in the fall. He's extremely supportive of my career goals and understands that I will need to study/work long hours.

So basically my question is: If you're in a relationship with someone to whom you are not engaged/married, what is your financial arrangement? Will s/he help you pay bills? Or are you remaining entirely financially separate?

I'm more interested in what other people are doing than any advice on my own situation. 6 months is a long time from now, and we'll probably have a better idea of what we both want at that point. Lots of things could change. I certainly don't want to ask him for any financial help unless he freely offers it. But I am kind of curious as to what the rest of you are doing.

(P.S. Obviously the situation will change if I get engaged to him or something. But for the time being, we're not engaged and I'm not sure either of us is ready to take that step before I enter medical school. It's entirely possible that we might end up engaged, though.)

OK, long post.

Thoughts?

 

[zenlike]

I had a full time job while my s/o was in college and I paid for almost everything. Now, we both have jobs, I get paid more than she does, and we live together, I pay for most of the rent, entertainment expenses, and food. I expect that she will take on that role once I am going to school full time.

 

[bashir]

Frankly, this is one of the reasons I want to get engaged early in medical school. I wouldn't blame my boyfriend for not wanting to financially support me if we weren't more officially committed to each other than we are now, but if we are going to eventually get married and start a family together as I imagine we will, it's not a wise financial decision for me to be taking out loans for living expenses while he's making enough money for both of us to live on. If we are actually engaged by that point, I'm thinking/hoping he could think of helping me with living expenses as an investment of sorts. I guess time will tell.

 

[pianola]

Frankly, this is one of the reasons I want to get engaged early in medical school. I wouldn't blame my boyfriend for not wanting to financially support me if we weren't more officially committed to each other than we are now, but if we are going to eventually get married and start a family together as I imagine we will, it's not a wise financial decision for me to be taking out loans for living expenses while he's making enough money for both of us to live on. If we are actually engaged by that point, I'm thinking/hoping he could think of helping me with living expenses as an investment of sorts. I guess time will tell.

I think you just read my mind. I mean literally every single word of it.

 

[alwaysaangel]

I know people who do it a lot of different ways.

Most who don't live together don't share money. So the working SO ends up saving a bunch of money and the other goes into debt. Which isn't an unfair position considering if you're not engaged or not living together theres no reason for the working SO to pay any money. Ultimately it doesn't matter because money in the bank vs. money in loans isn't that big of a difference. If you end up marrying you can use the SO's savings to help pay off loans

Some I know are living together. The working SO pays rent and a lot of the living expenses and the non-working SO only takes out enough loans for tuition/books etc which saves in loans.

Some I know are living together but still don't share.

Some I know share but still take out max loans and live really well (not necessarily the best idea)

It really depends on you and your SO and what you want to do. But I can't imagine too many newly working men or women will foot the bill for someone they're not engaged to or living with.

 

[zenlike]

But I can't imagine too many newly working men or women will foot the bill for someone they're not engaged to or living with.

Yeah. I think it depends on whether or not you're going to be living together. You really shouldn't be expected to pay for someone's separate living expenses unless they're your mistress/pool-boy.

 

[funkydrmonkey]

Yeah. I think it depends on whether or not you're going to be living together. You really shouldn't be expected to pay for someone's separate living expenses unless they're your mistress/pool-boy.

So basically you are saying that we should all try to find sugar mamas/daddies to help foot the bill for med school...interesting...

 

[pianola]

Yeah. I think it depends on whether or not you're going to be living together. You really shouldn't be expected to pay for someone's separate living expenses unless they're your mistress/pool-boy.

Yeah, that makes sense. And I agree. (And he's not my pool-boy or my mistress )

 

[pianola]

So basically you are saying that we should all try to find sugar mamas/daddies to help foot the bill for med school...interesting...

Heh, that wasn't what *I* was looking for. My mom raised me to be an independent woman! My dad raised me to not take out loans for as long as humanly possible

 

[zenlike]

So basically you are saying that we should all try to find sugar mamas/daddies to help foot the bill for med school...interesting...

You gotta do what you gotta do.

 

[bashir]

Yeah, Pianola, it's kind of a sucky position to be in. I almost want to pop the question myself, but my boyfriend is probably a little too traditional to appreciate that. Seems like good a solution for all the guys wondering about this, though.

 

[ami1983]

Frankly, this is one of the reasons I want to get engaged early in medical school. I wouldn't blame my boyfriend for not wanting to financially support me if we weren't more officially committed to each other than we are now, but if we are going to eventually get married and start a family together as I imagine we will, it's not a wise financial decision for me to be taking out loans for living expenses while he's making enough money for both of us to live on. If we are actually engaged by that point, I'm thinking/hoping he could think of helping me with living expenses as an investment of sorts. I guess time will tell.

amen, sista! i feel the same way

 

[Jolie South]

both my husband and I are poor. we put our resources together in order to get by. i'm on a military scholarship, so at least we're not incurring debt.

 

[pianola]

Yeah, Pianola, it's kind of a sucky position to be in. I almost want to pop the question myself, but my boyfriend is probably a little too traditional to appreciate that. Seems like good a solution for all the guys wondering about this, though.

Maybe you could hint at the question without popping it Like slightly inflate the balloon and put a little pressure (but don't pop ). Metaphorically speaking.

Personally, I may not be ready for engagement in six months but I have a strong feeling we may end up at engagement eventually. So I'm thinking/hoping maybe we can do an arrangement where he supports me a LITTLE and I take out loans as well...some sort of compromise. Until we're ready to commit.

But you know, maybe I'll just wait and see how he feels about the whole situation. He may not feel comfortable taking such a bold financial step. I know that he's pretty scared of divorce (as am I -- terrified, actually).

So, making sure you've got the 'right' person is kind of important...Rushing it is not something either of us want.

 

[ImNotBritish]

I'm living with my SO, and we're in the same boat of not being engaged but we probably will be eventually. I think how it pans out in med school is foreshadowed by the arrangement you have now. We split rent/utilities/food etc 50/50 right now. We've talked about med school, and I'll probably take out enough loans for school and most living expenses, and he has offered to cover me if I find myself too poor. I think I'd feel awkward with him paying for everything, but I definitely agree that some sort of compromise is probably best.

 

[MsKrispyKreme]

I'm hoping I can find a rich, older gentlemen to marry me during 2nd year.

 

[NJDIF]

-she graduated college a year before me, and started at a fantastic fortune 500.
-i started a state med school this past year.

-our arrangement? long story short, i got down on one knee and we're tying the knot this summer.

 

[kansaskid]

My SO and I will likely tie the knot before I start medical school. If not, we'll definitely live together and he'll cover a lot of the expenses through working. Not sure what he'll be doing though...

 

[pianola]

bump for other responses (?)

Thanks to those of you guys who have shared

 

[nogolfinsnow]

From a purely financial and pragmatic standpoint, if you're not married, the non-student SO shouldn't pay for the student other than dates. That's a big investment, and if things don't work, the student wins out in the deal because they have less debt and a good paying job in the end while the non-student could have been saving that extra money into a little nest egg/IRA/down payment, etc. Even if you are married there are lots of questions that come up. I feel guilty pretty constantly b/c I have no money of my own and my wife works, and I want us to be super frugal but at the same time feel a little awkward telling my working spouse she shouldn't spend her money. Thankfully, she makes it pretty easy on me, but it is an environment that could breed resentment. It is something that you need to sit down with your SO/spouse and have a long talk, draw up a budget, etc.

 

[Jolie South]

From a purely financial and pragmatic standpoint, if you're not married, the non-student SO shouldn't pay for the student other than dates. That's a big investment, and if things don't work, the student wins out in the deal because they have less debt and a good paying job in the end while the non-student could have been saving that extra money into a little nest egg/IRA/down payment, etc. Even if you are married there are lots of questions that come up. I feel guilty pretty constantly b/c I have no money of my own and my wife works, and I want us to be super frugal but at the same time feel a little awkward telling my working spouse she shouldn't spend her money. Thankfully, she makes it pretty easy on me, but it is an environment that could breed resentment. It is something that you need to sit down with your SO/spouse and have a long talk, draw up a budget, etc.

I agree with this. It's hard enough when you actually are married.

 

[pianola]

From a purely financial and pragmatic standpoint, if you're not married, the non-student SO shouldn't pay for the student other than dates. That's a big investment, and if things don't work, the student wins out in the deal because they have less debt and a good paying job in the end while the non-student could have been saving that extra money into a little nest egg/IRA/down payment, etc. Even if you are married there are lots of questions that come up. I feel guilty pretty constantly b/c I have no money of my own and my wife works, and I want us to be super frugal but at the same time feel a little awkward telling my working spouse she shouldn't spend her money. Thankfully, she makes it pretty easy on me, but it is an environment that could breed resentment. It is something that you need to sit down with your SO/spouse and have a long talk, draw up a budget, etc.

Yeah, it would be a huge problem for me if he paid for things during medical school and then we broke up. I mean, if he made any sort of significant financial contribution, I'd feel obligated to pay him back somehow and I wouldn't be able to for a LONG time.

You bring up a good point, nogolfinsnow.

 

[HeatherMD]

the boyfriend & I currently live together, and we're currently both in the same year at school. He makes way more money than me (works part-time, only has 3 classes whereas I have 5), and we keep our finances very separate, each paying our own tuition, splitting rent 50/50, etc.

I expect this will continue.. we both intend to get married and live happily ever after. He's just decided to apply to graduate school (which is paid here, so he would make ~$40 000/year) and I think more likely than not, if we both stay at the university we currently attend, he'll be footing the bill for my med studies.

If we break up during the course of school, I'd probably just pay him back, but as for now, he just figures we can pay for school now or we can pay for it later, but we're still going to have to pay for it together as a couple and as a family.

Of course, this all hinges on heavy expectations that I'm accepted at our current institution -- if I get into a school in the US we'll probably break up (he thinks he could move with me but he clearly has no idea what a pain in the ass it is immigrating to america) and then that would be the end of that!