Significant Other Moving With You?

This forum made possible through the generous support of SDN members, donors, and sponsors. Thank you.

SalMarie

New Member
10+ Year Member
15+ Year Member
Joined
Apr 13, 2007
Messages
2
Reaction score
0
I've been checking this SDN forum for a while now but this is my first actual post. I recently decided on an MST Program which is 3000 miles away from where I currently live. My boyfriend and I are now trying to figure out whether he should move with me when I start school this August.

We are quite serious and currently are living together, but we want to try to take a rational approach to this next step. Our hesitation about him moving with stem entirely from concerns over how much time I would have to devote to a relationship as a first year MD/PhD student. I don't want my boyfriend to move for me and end up lonely and feeling neglected all the time, so we're both trying to form a realistic idea about how demanding it's going to be for me. I know it is going to be a LOT of hard work but I've also heard that if you manage your time well you can still make room in your life for things besides studying.

I was just wondering if anyone has been through a similar situation and what insight you might have as to how possible it is to find time for a significant other. Any help would be greatly appreciated!!

Members don't see this ad.
 
My girlfriend and I just did this. It was a little bit difficult at first. I also had some excruciating circumstances because her family was not too happy with her moving away.

I am assuming that you are pretty far along in your relationship to the point where you intend to get married in a few years.

As a first year medical student you can spend as much or as little time on/in class in many cases. Especially if you are under a pass-fail grading system, you may be able to spend a lot more time on your relationship. Although I am not under a pass-fail system, many of my classmates prefer to study at home and listen to mp3s of the lecture rather than go to class. For a MD/PhD student grades matter even less in the first few years anyways.

This is a time in your life when you are going to have to decide what is most important to you. For many MD/PhD students, grades have been the ultimate concern while in college- its what let many MD/PhD students become MD/PhD students to begin with. Upon entering medical school though, a lot of people end up prioritizing family and relationships over pure academics. By the time you enter medical school (or especially a MD/PhD program), you've already proven yourself to be pretty smart and residency directors recognize that.

My suggestion to you is talk this over with your significant other. Make sure that he understands you will need to spend time on medical school. Overall this situation is pretty common. A lot of your classmates will even be married or have children.
 
If you manage your time well there should be enough time to satisfy a reasonable (i.e. someone without a personality disorder) person's expectations for a relationship if they have a realistic picture of what medical school is like. You can also set your own priorities as far as what is more important - your family relationships or a career in dermatology. If you are type A and always have to be in the top 15% of the class, your significant other must be prepared for you studying on most nights because in all likelihood a high % of your class will also be like this and will also spend many long hours gunning away (personal experience from my school). I got married halfway through 1st year and my grades took a serious hit after that, but it was no big deal because grades weren't the most important thing to me. Med schools is what you make of it - it can kill absolutely you or it can just be difficult. I don't think anyone would ever say that it is easy.
 
Members don't see this ad :)
My boyfriend and I are trying to get into medical school together. It is hard but we have both made up our mind to do it. My best advice is that if you are going to try and stay together whether you are 3000 miles away or living in the same house, there has to be equal effort on both your parts. Otherwise, it gets tiring if only of you is fighting to keep the relationship together. Also, though I firmly believe in true love, I tell you this conservative answer because I think you owe it to yourself to chase your dreams and to not pose the risk of resenting your boyfriend if things don't work out and you gave up an opportunity on account of him...just a few thoughts, but would be willing to talk more about it :)
 
I've been checking this SDN forum for a while now but this is my first actual post. I recently decided on an MST Program which is 3000 miles away from where I currently live. My boyfriend and I are now trying to figure out whether he should move with me when I start school this August.

We are quite serious and currently are living together, but we want to try to take a rational approach to this next step. Our hesitation about him moving with stem entirely from concerns over how much time I would have to devote to a relationship as a first year MD/PhD student. I don't want my boyfriend to move for me and end up lonely and feeling neglected all the time, so we're both trying to form a realistic idea about how demanding it's going to be for me. I know it is going to be a LOT of hard work but I've also heard that if you manage your time well you can still make room in your life for things besides studying.

I was just wondering if anyone has been through a similar situation and what insight you might have as to how possible it is to find time for a significant other. Any help would be greatly appreciated!!

Hi- I've had the experience of being the boyfriend in a situation that sounds pretty similar. I followed my GF 3000 miles for her to start med school (albeit, not MSTP). It worked out great, and there are a few things I suspect helped.

1. We hadn't done "the move in" yet (we did after her first year) so we each had separate roommates to get to know and hang out with. This was a big help for me, because I didn't have 140 new best friends in a med school class, and I didn't want to only have friends that were also hers. Also, when she needed to study, I could go to my house and do my thing. We lived close, but maintained at least a component of our social lives that were separate.

2. When I got where we went, I got a job. It was hard and took a while, but I made that priority one. That month of applying for jobs in a new city, with next to no contacts and being home alone during the day, was really lonely. But once I had my own thing to do during the days, I didn't feel left out of med school. If you've never had the experience of being a recent college grad in a strange city looking for work, I'd just be sensitive to the fact that it's difficult. It might seem like he's not doing much, but that doesn't mean he's not doing everything possible to find a job, and it doesn't mean it's fun.

3. She went to a school where the first two years were pass/fail. She worked less than she did in college, less than I did in the lab job I found, and did great. I think if she had been worried about grades we would have done less fun stuff. She made a conscious decision about how much she wanted to work and how well she needed to master the material, and stuck to it.

4. We moved to a (west coast) city that I would have loved to live in, even if we broke up. I never felt like I was making a sacrifice to be there; it was an adventure that she initiated, but fun nonetheless. I probably wouldn't have moved there on my own. But I made sure it was a place that I wouldn't be miserable in even without her.

2nd year she was busier than first year, but I was busy applying and didn't notice much; she had the workload of a 40 hr/wk job, but with some peaks before exams and valleys after them, and a big peak before boards. Her 3rd year is starting now and we're both bracing for some schedule shock, but I'm moving 3000 miles back where we came from to start an MSTP (hence the reading of this thread...) this summer, so it'll be more of a phone time issue than a face time one.

The one-medstudent couples that I've seen get into trouble are the ones where med school acts as a "trump card" over the other partner. If ya'll have a clear understanding of how important each of your jobs are and what impositions are acceptable (ie. We don't break a date, no matter what got assigned at school for tomorrow, but I might cook dinner myself to give her a bit of extra study time - and she does the same for me if I have a big project) and you're careful not to treat him like your maid (ie., Leaving the dishes for him every morning so you can rush off to class ... even if he doesn't have a job yet.) then med school is no harder on a relationship than anything else. In fact, I think it's actually been awesome, because the schedule is relatively flexible and the friends we've met are great.

You (or your BF) are welcome to PM me re: the details.

-CHO
 
I agree that the big question is what sort of job prospects are available for your BF. If he has a great job now and will have no prospects in the place where you are moving to, it might lead to some resentment down the road.
 
Top