I've been checking this SDN forum for a while now but this is my first actual post. I recently decided on an MST Program which is 3000 miles away from where I currently live. My boyfriend and I are now trying to figure out whether he should move with me when I start school this August.
We are quite serious and currently are living together, but we want to try to take a rational approach to this next step. Our hesitation about him moving with stem entirely from concerns over how much time I would have to devote to a relationship as a first year MD/PhD student. I don't want my boyfriend to move for me and end up lonely and feeling neglected all the time, so we're both trying to form a realistic idea about how demanding it's going to be for me. I know it is going to be a LOT of hard work but I've also heard that if you manage your time well you can still make room in your life for things besides studying.
I was just wondering if anyone has been through a similar situation and what insight you might have as to how possible it is to find time for a significant other. Any help would be greatly appreciated!!
Hi- I've had the experience of being the boyfriend in a situation that sounds pretty similar. I followed my GF 3000 miles for her to start med school (albeit, not MSTP). It worked out great, and there are a few things I suspect helped.
1. We hadn't done "the move in" yet (we did after her first year) so we each had separate roommates to get to know and hang out with. This was a big help for me, because I didn't have 140 new best friends in a med school class, and I didn't want to only have friends that were also hers. Also, when she needed to study, I could go to my house and do my thing. We lived close, but maintained at least a component of our social lives that were separate.
2. When I got where we went, I got a job. It was hard and took a while, but I made that priority one. That month of applying for jobs in a new city, with next to no contacts and being home alone during the day, was really lonely. But once I had my own thing to do during the days, I didn't feel left out of med school. If you've never had the experience of being a recent college grad in a strange city looking for work, I'd just be sensitive to the fact that it's difficult. It might seem like he's not doing much, but that doesn't mean he's not doing everything possible to find a job, and it doesn't mean it's fun.
3. She went to a school where the first two years were pass/fail. She worked less than she did in college, less than I did in the lab job I found, and did great. I think if she had been worried about grades we would have done less fun stuff. She made a conscious decision about how much she wanted to work and how well she needed to master the material, and stuck to it.
4. We moved to a (west coast) city that I would have loved to live in, even if we broke up. I never felt like I was making a sacrifice to be there; it was an adventure that she initiated, but fun nonetheless. I probably wouldn't have moved there on my own. But I made sure it was a place that I wouldn't be miserable in even without her.
2nd year she was busier than first year, but I was busy applying and didn't notice much; she had the workload of a 40 hr/wk job, but with some peaks before exams and valleys after them, and a big peak before boards. Her 3rd year is starting now and we're both bracing for some schedule shock, but I'm moving 3000 miles back where we came from to start an MSTP (hence the reading of this thread...) this summer, so it'll be more of a phone time issue than a face time one.
The one-medstudent couples that I've seen get into trouble are the ones where med school acts as a "trump card" over the other partner. If ya'll have a clear understanding of how important each of your jobs are and what impositions are acceptable (ie. We don't break a date, no matter what got assigned at school for tomorrow, but I might cook dinner myself to give her a bit of extra study time - and she does the same for me if I have a big project) and you're careful not to treat him like your maid (ie., Leaving the dishes for him every morning so you can rush off to class ... even if he doesn't have a job yet.) then med school is no harder on a relationship than anything else. In fact, I think it's actually been awesome, because the schedule is relatively flexible and the friends we've met are great.
You (or your BF) are welcome to PM me re: the details.
-CHO