Single pre-meds: are we choosing career over family?

[squintgeek]

I'm 29 and hoping to enroll next year when I'm 30. I'm female, single and I have no kids. By the time I'm done with med school, I'll be close to 40 years old and that in itself is already a risk in terms of having kids. I don't know how likely it is for me to actually plan to have a child during med school. So I'm just going to have to roll with the punches on this one; if it happens it happens, and if it doesn't then: oh well.

Is there any woman in here that actually had a child during med school? I cannot begin to imagine how difficult that would be for me. I know that it's an option to take a 1-year break from school but I don't know how much that will affect my studies. The way I see it, having a kid during my studies could potentially make me a drop out.

I want this so much, and I sometimes want to kick myself for not wanting this sooner. If I don't go for it, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

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[galaxyx]

You should browse through the Women in Healthcare forum.

 

[lizdoc]

I completely agree with you squintgeek. I'm 35 and I'll most likely be applying this year, if not next, God-willing. I am single, too, but this is my dream. If I don't get married and have kids....I think I might be willing to sacrifice that. Who knows, though?

 

[MedPR]

I'm 29 and hoping to enroll next year when I'm 30. I'm female, single and I have no kids. By the time I'm done with med school, I'll be close to 40 years old and that in itself is already a risk in terms of having kids. I don't know how likely it is for me to actually plan to have a child during med school. So I'm just going to have to roll with the punches on this one; if it happens it happens, and if it doesn't then: oh well.

Is there any woman in here that actually had a child during med school? I cannot begin to imagine how difficult that would be for me. I know that it's an option to take a 1-year break from school but I don't know how much that will affect my studies. The way I see it, having a kid during my studies could potentially make me a drop out.

I want this so much, and I sometimes want to kick myself for not wanting this sooner. If I don't go for it, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Med school is 4 years. You can have children during residency.

 

[ejw5075]

One of my close friends is about to have her first child in the third month of second year (she's due in 3 weeks)...
I know of two women in the class below mine that are pregnant and I'm planning to have my second in either third or fourth year.
Long story short, people do it ALL THE TIME. But I'd find the man first, I hear that's an important step.

 

[HealthE]

People have kids during 3/4 year of med school. The people I know took a year off to do it.

 

[wholeheartedly]

there are a few posters on the Mother's in Medicine blog that post about their experiences having kids as a med student, resident, pre-med, and even attending.

I'm 29 and single too, I'm about 2, maybe three years out from applying while I finish grad school. I'm just trying to roll with it too. I figure I'm more likely to meet my match doing things I'm passionate about.

 

[RomanTaylor]

I believe it largely depends on what type of doctor you want to be.

There are more "family-friendly" specialties out there. And residencies are making a push to make their programs more "family-friendly" as well.

There are specialties, on the other hand, that are not very family oriented. For example, I am gunning for General or Thoracic Surgery. My wife and I, even before I separate from the military to start my path, had a understanding that, yes, keeping this family together is going to fall almost squarely on her shoulders. She is going to have to be strong for both of us, especially during the surgical residency years.

As long as you have that understanding, then it's doable. I just had to resign myself that, yes...following this rabbit is going cause me to lose a lot of time with my wife and kid and I will not be as involved as I would like.

But we are all just the products of the decisions we make. If you can deal with it...and deal with the burden that you are going to inflict upon your significant other, then there you go.

If not...well...

 

[lunalight]

I'm 29 and hoping to enroll next year when I'm 30. I'm female, single and I have no kids. By the time I'm done with med school, I'll be close to 40 years old and that in itself is already a risk in terms of having kids. I don't know how likely it is for me to actually plan to have a child during med school. So I'm just going to have to roll with the punches on this one; if it happens it happens, and if it doesn't then: oh well.

Is there any woman in here that actually had a child during med school? I cannot begin to imagine how difficult that would be for me. I know that it's an option to take a 1-year break from school but I don't know how much that will affect my studies. The way I see it, having a kid during my studies could potentially make me a drop out.

I want this so much, and I sometimes want to kick myself for not wanting this sooner. If I don't go for it, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

This is exactly my situation (and attitude)!

One of the docs I work for met her husband during med school (he was in his fellowship), had her first child during her 4th yr, 2nd during residency and 3rd during fellowship. (All boys BTW) So, meeting someone and having a family during med school must be possible!!

 

[derpymd]

I hear yah about being single and starting the journey. I'm 32 male no kids and having to tell someone that my time is limited now and that in about 1 1/2 years it will become even more limited (crossing fingers) seems to be a deal breaker. Anyone willing to encourage you and stick with you during the journey is most likely a keeper though.

 

[Law2Doc]

Med school is 4 years. You can have children during residency.

It's probably easier to have kids during med school than residency. Regardless it's more about support system than anything else -- who will watch the kid when you are gone for up to 80 hour weeks with 24 hour overnight shifts.

But people do it all the time. Fallback positions regarding fertility might be adoption or freezing eggs. But most people don't put their lives completely on hold, they just try to create some balance that kind of works if the support system is there.

 

[Abider]

The brutalities of pregnancy, the lack of social life to mix, the sundry accomodations that must be met by your fellow residents and your spouse--that you have yet to meet and for whom the attraction to unavailability, stress, and sacrifice must be appealing--aside....all of that aside...it's a great idea. Everyone should have their cake and ice cream and waffles and chicken, and eat it too.

The research showing a greater percentage of birth defects for those eggs that have been waiting patiently since you yourself were I'm the womb....that aside too.

Go forth, mate, procreate, and be merry.


Ok....I'm a Debbie downer.

But those are my counterpoints to the super mommy mythology.

 

[katiemaude]

Similar situation. If I get in this season and things stay status quo, I'll be starting medical school at 35 as a single woman. This might actually be more of a problem if I had a significant other. I'd be wondering about the marriage/kids timeline, but with no partner in sight it's made it easier to make the leap into this crazy long, expensive premed and application process. And that's just getting in!

Sometimes I wonder if I fell in love in the past few years, and if I were getting married now, would I still be on this track? Would I postpone med school for a year to have a kid? If I had a supportive partner (and if I'm marrying someone, he better be supportive!), I would probably just keep going about my life and if I got pregnant in medical school, great. If not, fine. In the end, I think I'd be doing the same thing - living my life and pursuing my dream.

At the moment, I don't feel particularly optimistic about meeting someone and having biological children. I know deep down I want to be a mother. But if that's so important to me, why I haven't I just gone to a sperm bank or had a one night stand? I guess I also want a partner. But finding the right person seems the hardest thing of all! I have met zero prospects working in a hospital. It really does seem like EVERYONE is married. I can't imagine a medical school class full of 22-year-olds is going to yield any dates, let alone a boyfriend for a 35-year-old.

I think in 10 years, when I'm in my mid-40s and out of residency, I'll be adopting. By myself if I'm not married, but if I am married, that would be a million times better.

 

[derpymd]

I still think somoene should come up with a SDN Dating App. Any Iphone/Android programmers out there? That puppy might sell!

 

[LPpostbacc]

Similar situation. If I get in this season and things stay status quo, I'll be starting medical school at 35 as a single woman. This might actually be more of a problem if I had a significant other. I'd be wondering about the marriage/kids timeline, but with no partner in sight it's made it easier to make the leap into this crazy long, expensive premed and application process. And that's just getting in!

Sometimes I wonder if I fell in love in the past few years, and if I were getting married now, would I still be on this track? Would I postpone med school for a year to have a kid? If I had a supportive partner (and if I'm marrying someone, he better be supportive!), I would probably just keep going about my life and if I got pregnant in medical school, great. If not, fine. In the end, I think I'd be doing the same thing - living my life and pursuing my dream.

At the moment, I don't feel particularly optimistic about meeting someone and having biological children. I know deep down I want to be a mother. But if that's so important to me, why I haven't I just gone to a sperm bank or had a one night stand? I guess I also want a partner. But finding the right person seems the hardest thing of all! I have met zero prospects working in a hospital. It really does seem like EVERYONE is married. I can't imagine a medical school class full of 22-year-olds is going to yield any dates, let alone a boyfriend for a 35-year-old.

I think in 10 years, when I'm in my mid-40s and out of residency, I'll be adopting. By myself if I'm not married, but if I am married, that would be a million times better.

Before you resign from having kids take a look at this profile on oldpremeds.org:
carrieliz

 

[lovesfall]

I'm your age too, maybe a little older. Awesomely enough, I met a fantastic guy out of nowhere and we are planning to get married in the next couple of years. I am, and always was, planning to have kids during med school/residency. I know enough older women who have always regretted not doing it, and enough women who have done it successfully as med students/residents/attendings that I know it IS possible, even though it's hard. And... I'm really hoping I can muster enough goodwill to help with the babysitting, or that we can afford a nanny.

I think it's great if a woman wants to focus on career to the exclusion of all else, if that's what makes her happy. However, I don't think that we have to settle for false binaries (having this means no that) when there are ways to make it all happen. I know for me, maybe it means I won't be top of my class and maybe I won't have a super high-profile career, but I honestly don't mind something more humble and fulfilling if it means that I get to have the life I want on the home front too.

 

[squintgeek]

Thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate it.

 

[Heart 4 Health]

I'm 29 and hoping to enroll next year when I'm 30. I'm female, single and I have no kids. By the time I'm done with med school, I'll be close to 40 years old and that in itself is already a risk in terms of having kids. I don't know how likely it is for me to actually plan to have a child during med school. So I'm just going to have to roll with the punches on this one; if it happens it happens, and if it doesn't then: oh well.

Is there any woman in here that actually had a child during med school? I cannot begin to imagine how difficult that would be for me. I know that it's an option to take a 1-year break from school but I don't know how much that will affect my studies. The way I see it, having a kid during my studies could potentially make me a drop out.

I want this so much, and I sometimes want to kick myself for not wanting this sooner. If I don't go for it, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

I'm 28, single, and I definitely still want a have a family (if it's in the cards for me). I don't know from personal experience, but I've spoken to several physicians, resident advisers, and residents themselves who have all told me that nobody "bans" you from having a baby during the course of medical school. Yet, if you plan to have a baby, it's usually recommended prior to rotations, or prior to the start of your residency. I hope that helps!

 

[mehc012]

...I see it more as not sacrificing the opportunities I have now for the sake of those I might have in the future. There's some merit in looking ahead and leaving your options open. However, in a practical sense, at some point you have to commit to one course or another, and I prefer the tangible, currently extant route to the slim chance of stumbling upon the right person, making it work while not fully satisfied with my career and education, and then deciding to start a family.

Doors are rarely ever locked shut...prioritizing career over family now doesn't make it impossible to reassess the balance later. It might make it harder, but if it's important to you, you will find a way!

So, no. I don't feel we are choosing career over family. We're choosing something that exists over something that doesn't, yet.

 

[LaEsponja]

I'm a single mother of two headed down this path. I look at is as choosing this for my family, not instead of. My kids see me as an example of hard work and goal setting, and will one day see me reap the rewards and therefore they will as well. Where there is a will, there is a way : )

 

[jl lin]

I completely agree with you squintgeek. I'm 35 and I'll most likely be applying this year, if not next, God-willing. I am single, too, but this is my dream. If I don't get married and have kids....I think I might be willing to sacrifice that. Who knows, though?

Maybe so, maybe not, but there are a lot more things than can be done today, and people are having children later.

Doing so, however, is not without risks. Some of it is riskier than others things. It depends.

If ms is your dream, and you feel strongly compelled to do it, then go for it. There are options that can be considered for having children.

For me, my options for having children were limited early on in adult life. It's a relatively rare thing, and it's just the way it worked out for me.

If all else fails, adoption may be a consideration, although acquiring a newborn can be quite challenging, but not totally impossible.

Some people take having and raising children in stride, like it's no biggy. To me it was a big deal for a number of reasons--highly stressful at a number of points. It can be rewarding, but it is highly stressful at times---and it can be exhausting without help.

But look at it this way. You may be, after getting through your residency, in a better financial position to look at this.

There are also people that have children during medical school and residency.

In my view, there is never a "non-stressful" time to have children--it's only a matter of when it might be a bit less stressful to start the process.

As in life and medical school, there are no guarantees. It's the same with having and raising children. There are better times for starting the process, perhaps, but like the other two things I mentioned, it's a bumpy road/process--a mixed back with ups and downs.

There's no perfect time for that really--only better times to perhaps begin the process.

The best to you!

 

[jl lin]

Is there any woman in here that actually had a child during med school? I cannot begin to imagine how difficult that would be for me. I know that it's an option to take a 1-year break from school but I don't know how much that will affect my studies. The way I see it, having a kid during my studies could potentially make me a drop out.

I want this so much, and I sometimes want to kick myself for not wanting this sooner. If I don't go for it, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

There's a person on SDN that has or is having a child during medical school. I believe her name is Geekchick. I am sure it's on the other forum.

 

[squintgeek]

So, no. I don't feel we are choosing career over family. We're choosing something that exists over something that doesn't, yet.

I look at is as choosing this for my family, not instead of.

This is exactly the way I see it.

 

[PharMed2016]

There is are a couple of girls in my class that had children just prior to the start of medical school and I believe they are doing just fine. Time management more so than anything else.

 

[Abider]

There is are a couple of girls in my class that had children just prior to the start of medical school and I believe they are doing just fine. Time management more so than anything else.

Year 1 and 2 is much more flexible than year 3 part of year 4 and residency years 1,2 and beyond depending on the field and program.

Look I mean people do it. But you need the details on how they do it. Not just some bland statement of doability.

The thing I've found is that most people who do it have extensive support systems. And at least have a relationship with which to plan such activities around, one where the partner is full time caretaker.

I also see people taking years off medical school as if debt overhead and paying rent and living expenses without federal loans was not an issue. The single person thinking of doing this and becoming a parent without a detailed, well planned coping strategy would be foolish.

This is one of the things I find repulsive about my generation. Getting what you want comes at a price. The old school method of mating and rearing children right out of high school has it's real benefits.

I'm just recovering from a flip flop 24 hour shift in OB. Ask me at 9 am if I wanted to change a diaper and I told you to stay poopy and went back to sleep. This is what your support system is up against.

Finding that while in medical school, while busy is an admirable goal....but just that.

 

[jl lin]

Year 1 and 2 is much more flexible than year 3 part of year 4 and residency years 1,2 and beyond depending on the field and program.

Look I mean people do it. But you need the details on how they do it. Not just some bland statement of doability.

The thing I've found is that most people who do it have extensive support systems. And at least have a relationship with which to plan such activities around, one where the partner is full time caretaker.

I also see people taking years off medical school as if debt overhead and paying rent and living expenses without federal loans was not an issue. The single person thinking of doing this and becoming a parent without a detailed, well planned coping strategy would be foolish.

This is one of the things I find repulsive about my generation. Getting what you want comes at a price. The old school method of mating and rearing children right out of high school has it's real benefits.

I'm just recovering from a flip flop 24 hour shift in OB. Ask me at 9 am if I wanted to change a diaper and I told you to stay poopy and went back to sleep. This is what your support system is up against.

Finding that while in medical school, while busy is an admirable goal....but just that.

May God bless you with triplets, Abider. lol, jk. . .unless you cool with triplets.

 

[Abider]

May God bless you with triplets, Abider. lol, jk. . .unless you cool with triplets.

Triplets.....jeesh. Another one of these nature defying fertility treatment consequences. That I'm way to old for.

I am also of the opinion that a supreme being, if one is to make that presumption, cares not for the fate of that which swims, with some laziness, in my scrotum. And that nature cares not one bit for the reproductive fitness of late blooming careerists such as myself and quite a number of you.

Abiding this, as my namesake suggests, I go childless and carefree into late middle aged rookie doctor years, without compunction, guilt, or some nameless urge to send my genetic imprint into the coming dark ages of human kind.

And truthfully I wonder at intensity with which some of my colleagues would wish for such things. Being tired on top of tired and feeling 90 before I'm 60....hmmmm?.....no thanks.

But carry on....if there's one thing we need...it's more people.

 

[mourinho]

I still think somoene should come up with a SDN Dating App. Any Iphone/Android programmers out there? That puppy might sell!

He could be the next Zuckerberg!

 

[theWhat]

I know a couple who are both in med school and have two kids. Pretty sure they're pursuing family med.

 

[quitethenovelty]

Hey, I'm going to be 39 when I apply to med school, and guess what my specialty will be? (I hope) Neurosurgery. I'm really ecstatic about working and not having a family. My friends are really important to me, and that's great the way I see things. Perhaps I'm a product of extremely supportive parents and that has affected me deeply. Well, I'm happy, and I hope to make my patients content too.

 

[RomanTaylor]

Hey, I'm going to be 39 when I apply to med school, and guess what my specialty will be? (I hope) Neurosurgery. I'm really ecstatic about working and not having a family. My friends are really important to me, and that's great the way I see things. Perhaps I'm a product of extremely supportive parents and that has affected me deeply. Well, I'm happy, and I hope to make my patients content too.

Not to go off topic, but why Neurosurgery?

I never understood the appeal.

 

[ejw5075]

Hey, I'm going to be 39 when I apply to med school, and guess what my specialty will be? (I hope) Neurosurgery. I'm really ecstatic about working and not having a family. My friends are really important to me, and that's great the way I see things. Perhaps I'm a product of extremely supportive parents and that has affected me deeply. Well, I'm happy, and I hope to make my patients content too.

Did you know there are less women in neurosurgery than ANY other specialty? I would pick it just for that. But then again, I don't like neuro

I think it is awesome that you have decided this now (the work/no family not the specialty) so many docs do it after they already have the family so this warms my heart a little.

Good luck it's gonna be a Looooooong road but you can do it if you really want!

 

[zoner]

Family is so overrated

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[quitethenovelty]

Not to go off topic, buy way Neurosurgery?

I never understood the appeal.

I was first interested in neurology and psychology, when I was in high school, and then once I shadowed a neurosurgeon I knew that I wanted to be a surgeon. But general surgery seems a bit daunting to me, simply because of the range of problems that occur, and additionally, it also deviates from my fascination with the brain. So for me, neurosurgery combines surgery, the brain, and ... fun.

 

[quitethenovelty]

Did you know there are less women in neurosurgery than ANY other specialty? I would pick it just for that. But then again, I don't like neuro

I think it is awesome that you have decided this now (the work/no family not the specialty) so many docs do it after they already have the family so this warms my heart a little.

Good luck it's gonna be a Looooooong road but you can do it if you really want!

Really, I didn't know neurosurgery was so unpopular with women! You would think that radiology, with all that radiation exposure, would be the least popular!

Awww... I know most people get married, women in particular, so I figure I'm going to be something of a hermit, but then again, I love to make friends with people I think are noble guys, and there's bound to be an abundance in medicine, surgery in particular.

It'll be a road that I will cherish before, during, and after I undertake it!

 

[IslandStyle808]

Med school is 4 years. You can have children during residency.

It's probably easier to have kids during med school than residency. Regardless it's more about support system than anything else -- who will watch the kid when you are gone for up to 80 hour weeks with 24 hour overnight shifts.

But people do it all the time. Fallback positions regarding fertility might be adoption or freezing eggs. But most people don't put their lives completely on hold, they just try to create some balance that kind of works if the support system is there.

I agree with law2doc on this one it is easier for someone to have kids during medical school. I remember one student at my state's medical school who had her baby during her 4th year. She was told by another medical student that this would be the best time to have a baby since it is not as hectic as 3rd year.

 

[quitethenovelty]

I agree with law2doc on this one it is easier for someone to have kids during medical school. I remember one student at my state's medical school who had her baby during her 4th year. She was told by another medical student that this would be the best time to have a baby since it is not as hectic as 3rd year.

Yes, but you would definitely need a reliable nanny or some other kind of full-time babysitter or 'professional' entertainer, and phenomenal time management skills, because residency is coming right up after M4, and you will want to give the best to your newborn and the rest of your family. If push comes to shove, though, you'll need to find the best time for yourself and your spouse too.

 

[IslandStyle808]

Yes, but you would definitely need a reliable nanny or some other kind of full-time babysitter or 'professional' entertainer, and phenomenal time management skills, because residency is coming right up after M4, and you will want to give the best to your newborn and the rest of your family. If push comes to shove, though, you'll need to find the best time for yourself and your spouse too.

Yep you are right on this one. It is still a difficult thing for women to have children when pursing an MD degree (I can't say too much on this subject since I am a guy). However, there will be the need for other people to help with the baby. This is why (I think) having close family members who are willing to help take care of the baby is important. It is your family who are most willing to help see you through your goals.

 

[zoner]

Why don't you adopt a baby after you become a doc? There are lots of orphans thst need good home. There is no need to have your own

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[bjl12]

25 Male here. I'll be pre-med for another 2-3 years. Won't be eligible for Med school until 28. By the time I'm finished school/residency I'll be 36ish. A traditional family is always welcome but probably less likely since I'll be so busy.

However, I'm a nontraditional student and so I figure a nontraditional family will be appropriate . I'll be adopting if I'm unable to find a spouse and etc.

 

[HealthE]

Anyone ever think of switching into something else? I am having one of those days...I see my friends getting married ...having kids. Today, I am like maybe I will be a PharmD slightly less demanding but still clinical and patient facing.

 

[bjl12]

Anyone ever think of switching into something else? I am having one of those days.

Of course. I could be wrong, but I think many/most people juggle the thought. However, even if I were to switch programs, it would be a switch into some other kind of direct patient care profession, such as PA or PT, or psychologist. The pre-reqs are basically the same for those programs too (aside from clinical psychology) and I feel less stressed/overwhelmed when I allow my mind some budging room.

Keep chugging along and see what happens. When you get to the end of the road or nearer to the end, you may have a change of heart. If that happens, stop for a few minutes and evaluate what you've done. Evaluate what's already accomplished and how you can practically use what you've accomplished (i.e., a different professional program).

There's no wrong choices in life (as my younger brother reminds me). All choices are right in their own ways. Do what you want and what you love. When you do that everything else comes effortlessly.

 

[deleted92121]

I'm 27 and a single guy. Finishing up a few courses then applying to med school and a few post-bacc programs. I don't think I am giving anything up per se. Everything has an opportunity cost however. I figure that heading to school and meeting lots of folks will increase my chance of meeting someone I could date seriously, maybe more. As for kids, I am open to them but not pushing to have them. No kids mean more time for other stuff that I would like to do.

 

[zoner]

Anyone ever think of switching into something else? I am having one of those days...I see my friends getting married ...having kids. Today, I am like maybe I will be a PharmD slightly less demanding but still clinical and patient facing.

Never. I don't like babies and kids. I find interesting work, book, or video games to be far more interesting

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