Snide comments about my age on rotation from a PA, who happens to be my boyfriend's ex. What to do?

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Now, now let's not be hasty. I see nothing wrong with women being proud of being with an anesthesiologist
Ok make it "surgeon" or "internist"; the point is that no one at work cares about her BF or what he does.

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Ok make it "surgeon" or "internist"; the point is that no one at work cares about her BF or what he does.

Incidentally, my girlfriend is excessively proud of being with a "future psychiatrist." She must have low standards. Let's keep it that way.
 
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Like she goes around telling people that? I can't even with this stuff.

I have no idea. I know she occasionally says it to me, but I think it's partly because she knows it makes me cringe.

She is clearly proud of me. How much she publicly brags about me I'm not sure. She doesn't do it when I'm there. I sort of doubt my status as a med student comes up more than very occasionally. She's actually ridiculously independent and she'd shudder at the thought of her identity being in any way defined by her boyfriend.

This is mostly just regarding her private expressions of support and admiration for me (which, like I said, I find sort of excessive even if it's flattering).
 
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I have no idea. I know she occasionally says it to me, but I think it's partly because she knows it makes me cringe.

She is clearly proud of me. How much she publicly brags about me I'm not sure. She doesn't do it when I'm there. I sort of doubt my status as a med student comes up more than very occasionally. She's actually ridiculously independent and she'd shudder at the thought of her identity being in any way defined by her boyfriend.

This is mostly just regarding her private expressions of support and admiration for me (which, like I said, I find sort of excessive even if it's flattering).


Ah okay. I feel like my friends/family/social circle would tell me to stfu if I was going on and on about bfs doctor status.
 
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Ah okay. I feel like my friends/family/social circle would tell me to stfu if I was going on and on about bfs doctor status.

If I found out that she was doing this, I'd tell her to stfu myself.

Then I'd get yelled at for telling her to stfu.

Then I'd realize this isn't worth my time or energy fighting about, apologize, and drink some whiskey.

Such is the way of the world.
 
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obvious solution is to put a **** load of lasix in her food
 
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You're working with your colleague and s/he grabs your ass.

Says "You're too old to be working here...you should be enjoying retirement" when you're 60.

Says "why are you working here? You should be home with the kids when you're a woman.

Say to you "Wow, I'd like to [perform sexual acts with you].


Why not talk to the person first?

Because the actions are illegal.

They are discriminatory and create a hostile work environment.

Ditto with what's happening to the OP.

With all the personal drama surrounding this its just going to end up a headache for the people he/she works with. That's all I'm saying. Nothing is black and white like you're making it out to be. Every action has a reaction.
 
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Nah, bro. 10 mg Haldol crumbled into her lunch for a more targeted effect.

Just sprinkle a little crack cocaine followed by an anonymous (and veryyyy concerned) report to HR.
 
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If I found out that she was doing this, I'd tell her to stfu myself.

Then I'd get yelled at for telling her to stfu.

Then I'd realize this isn't worth my time or energy fighting about, apologize, and drink some whiskey.

Such is the way of the world.


Lol. So that's what you men do. When I try to get mad at my other half, he defaults to apologizing, telling me how wonderful and beautiful I am, and then sticking his face in a glass of Scottish pine sol.
 
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Lol. So that's what you men do. When I try to get mad at my other half, he defaults to apologizing, telling me how wonderful and beautiful I am, and then sticking his face in a glass of Scottish pine sol.

Sounds about right.
 
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Ah okay. I feel like my friends/family/social circle would tell me to stfu if I was going on and on about bfs doctor status.
You're doing it completely wrong. You introduce him as your significant other and then say, "Oh, and he happens to be a surgeon!" Preferably with hair and makeup on fleek with hand holding his arm/hand, with him dressed on point. Then people will ask more stuff giving you the excuse to brag and a win for you!
 
You're doing it completely wrong. You introduce him as your significant other and then say, "Oh, and he happens to be surgeon!" Preferably with hair and makeup on fleek with hand holding his arm/hand, with him dressed on point.


The problem is that *theyre* all physicians or dentists etc so none of it is very impressive or unique anymore..
 
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@Imogen

I hope you've come up with a solid plan from all this advice. Reasoning with her probably won't work especially if she's being so immature already. If it gets worse and/or you want to, go contact whomever you have to but like I said before, I would leave a solid paper trail so *you* don't come off like a whiny girl.
 
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@Imogen

I hope you've come up with a solid plan from all this advice. Reasoning with her probably won't work especially if she's being so immature already. If it gets worse and/or you want to, go contact whomever you have to but like I said before, I would leave a solid paper trail so *you* don't come off like a whiny girl.
I agree with this, @Imogen. Don't ignore it. You can bet she is saying things behind your back to the team sporadically. Keep your reputation in check, document that your work is being done, patient log, document specific incidences but eventually you'll have to get the clerkship director involved. Don't wait until after evals are already submitted.
 
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Thanks for the advice everyone. And the more... creative... other options which have left me cracking up over here! Definitely appreciate the emphasis on documenting and for that reason alone, I think I'm not going to approach the PA directly without first talking to the dean in charge of these matters at my school (via email). I was considering leaving it alone since as some of you have pointed out, she hasn't really said anything terrible to me or done anything to sabotage directly. But I had long call today and she was present for part of it and was brusque enough toward me that even a classmate noticed and said something to me about it. I explained the situation privately and luckily my classmate has agreed to vouch for me if a "witness" is needed, as he was present for a number of the interactions between the PA and myself.

I have 3 more weeks on this rotation but yeah, my main concern was that this PA is an employee who has been working here for longer than me and knows the attendings and senior residents better than I do. I don't want anyone grading me to notice this weirdness and think I deserve it because I'm being rude to other healthcare workers behind their backs, etc. And since this girl doesn't seem to be incompetent at her job or outwardly difficult for others to work with, if she chose to complain about my work to someone grading me they might be inclined to believe her.

Fellow rotation buddy and I at least got to bond over how "Grey's Anatomy" this whole situation is. So that was a nice way to spend my first long call at least!
 
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Thanks for the advice everyone. And the more... creative... other options which have left me cracking up over here! Definitely appreciate the emphasis on documenting and for that reason alone, I think I'm not going to approach the PA directly without first talking to the dean in charge of these matters at my school (via email). I was considering leaving it alone since as some of you have pointed out, she hasn't really said anything terrible to me or done anything to sabotage directly. But I had long call today and she was present for part of it and was brusque enough toward me that even a classmate noticed and said something to me about it. I explained the situation privately and luckily my classmate has agreed to vouch for me if a "witness" is needed, as he was present for a number of the interactions between the PA and myself.

I have 3 more weeks on this rotation but yeah, my main concern was that this PA is an employee who has been working here for longer than me and knows the attendings and senior residents better than I do. I don't want anyone grading me to notice this weirdness and think I deserve it because I'm being rude to other healthcare workers behind their backs, etc. And since this girl doesn't seem to be incompetent at her job or outwardly difficult for others to work with, if she chose to complain about my work to someone grading me they might be inclined to believe her.

Fellow rotation buddy and I at least got to bond over how "Grey's Anatomy" this whole situation is. So that was a nice way to spend my first long call at least!

When approach the dean I would (at least pretend) to have taken the high road.

"She got dumped by my BF and I really sympathize with her. She has been trying to make it very hard for me to work with her but I really understand why all that hostility come from, I was hoping that with time she would feel better and come to see me as just another friendly resident. but you see, as time pass by it got worse and her emotions are getting in the way of patient care, which is why I am talking to you. All I want is to work with her professionally as a team."

If you want another practical advice from some one who's starting med school in her 30s, if you are the first to joke about how old you are, no one else would be able to explore that topic.

Next times she hints that you are too dump and too old to be a resident, If you want to shuts her up you can eagerly and happily agree with her, then say with the most lovely and innocent face, "yeah, I have no idea how I made it this far into the residency program, it puzzles me everyday, oh well..." You are killing her ability to use this against you again.
 
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When approach the dean I would (at least pretend) to have taken the high road.

"She got dumped by my BF and I really sympathize with her. She has been trying to make it very hard for me to work with her but I really understand why all that hostility come from, I was hoping that with time she would feel better and come to see me as just another friendly resident. but you see, as time pass by it got worse and her emotions are getting in the way of patient care, which is why I am talking to you. All I want is to work with her professionally as a team."

If you want another practical advice from some one who's starting med school in her 30s, if you are the first to joke about how old you are, no one else would be able to explore that topic.

Next times she hints that you are too dump and too old to be a resident, If you want to shuts her up you can eagerly and happily agree with her, then say with the most lovely and innocent face, "yeah, I have no idea how I made it this far into the residency program, it puzzles me everyday, oh well..." You are killing her ability to use this against you again.

Don't use the word dumped in an email to your Dean.

Try something more diplomaticish. "An employee of the hospital with whom I have been rotating with was previously romantically involved with my significant other(or partner, whichever word you want to use). Despite many attempts on my part to maintain a professional atmosphere, as patient care is the priority, she has repeatedly verbally harassed me and made many efforts to undermine my interactions with other attendings, faculty members, and my fellow peers." etc

If you want help writing something, @Imogen PM me. I'm omw to a funeral right now that I really don't want to go to, and can't type much more atm
 
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"I'm afraid it ended badly..."

Neutral. Discrete. Open to lots of imaginative interpretations.
 
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You guyz are working too hard.

All you have to do, if one was so inclined, is to spoof her email and send an innocuous thread to her employer and several other people. Then send a "reply all" pretending like you meant to only to send to one person on the list and detailing everything you've done to the OP, or something else cringeworthy that she could have done, complaining about her boss etc.

Shanking people is so old fashioned. Use some electronic stealth.

I may or may not know how to do this.

Yeah, but then you don't actually get to SHANK them.

It has its own kind of satisfaction in and of itself.
 
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Update: Situation seems to be resolved (or at least, my butt is fully covered). My email to the dean ended up involving HR and leading to a warning for the PA involved. The clerkship director also notified my team that I was being harrassed by an employee and to please report any further events. I'm pleased with this outcome and even though this girl still likes to throw me the stink-eye, at least now I don't have to worry about her actually affecting anything. I seem to have earned some bonus points with a few of the residents as well, who gave me props for standing up to this. A few had similar stories in their pasts so it's nice to know that the whole drama didn't make me look like some cattish girlfriend getting into a lady-fight over a boy.

Thank you so much for the help everyone!
 
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Now take a pic of you and your bf doing something fun and looking really happy, frame it and put it on your workstation
 
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Remind her that she wasn't smart enough for med school and you WERE, she wasn't good enough for her man and you ARE. She will never become a doctor and you WILL. Pull her aside and remind her that she SUCKS.

you are already winning by every metric (and she knows it). you could probably just smirk at her and she'd get it.

Bro that's just trying too hard. It's like wearing your white coat to the grocery store or to the undergrad campus
If you need to say you made it, you haven't made it
 
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Bro that's just trying too hard. It's like wearing your white coat to the grocery store or to the undergrad campus
If you need to say you made it, you haven't made it

You mean you're not supposed to do that? I thought that only applied to the short white coat. Damn.
 
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PSA: If you wear your scrubs to the gym. Just stop
 
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Bro that's just trying too hard. It's like wearing your white coat to the grocery store or to the undergrad campus
If you need to say you made it, you haven't made it

I wore my white coat to the grocery store once. In my defense, it was below zero and snowing at like 10 at night when, while driving home, I realized I'd eaten the last frozen pizza in my fridge. That morning I had stupidly made the decision not to bring a heavier coat because "I'm just going between my car and the building." I had to make the choice between looking like a warm douche or a freezing normal person. I chose warmth. Felt like a tool the whole time though. I do not recommend it. Somebody like 10 feet away apologized as if they were in my way and it was super uncomfortable.

I know, I was a mess that day.
 
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Glad to hear things worked out in your favor.

I'm surprised this topic isn't brought up more frequently. I've often had to deal with unpleasant mid-levels (PAs, NPs, CRNAs, etc). It's a maddening experience. It goes something like this: They treat me like crap, tell me how "little" I know, then act all nicey-nicey to the team. Who does the team trust more... the medical student who's been rotating with them for the last 2 weeks or the mid-level who's been a trusted employee for years. The mid-level, obviously. My approach is to take the highroad. I make sure all my interactions with the offending mid-level are professional and polite. I don't complain about the mid-level to the team. I just "grin and bear it." Although it sucks, I've never reported anyone. In my opinion, complaining only has the potential to backfire, making me look even worse.

I know many medical students who've had a similar experience. I guess it's just a part of the (sucky) process. I look forward to (one day) supervising the same mid-levels that treated me like crap. I might even return the "favor." (I should add that I've also worked with truly wonderful mid-levels that have taught me tons, included me as part of the team, and made my life easier by having someone I could ask all my silly questions without embarrassing myself on rounds... so to those mid-levels... thank you!!!).
 
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Glad to hear things worked out in your favor.

I'm surprised this topic isn't brought up more frequently. I've often had to deal with unpleasant mid-levels (PAs, NPs, CRNAs, etc). It's a maddening experience. It goes something like this: They treat me like crap, tell me how "little" I know, then act all nicey-nicey to the team. Who does the team trust more... the medical student who's been rotating with them for the last 2 weeks or the mid-level who's been a trusted employee for years. The mid-level, obviously. My approach is to take the highroad. I make sure all my interactions with the offending mid-level are professional and polite. I don't complain about the mid-level to the team. I just "grin and bear it." Although it sucks, I've never reported anyone. In my opinion, complaining only has the potential to backfire, making me look even worse.

I know many medical students who've had a similar experience. I guess it's just a part of the (sucky) process. I look forward to (one day) supervising the same mid-levels that treated me like crap. I might even return the "favor." (I should add that I've also worked with truly wonderful mid-levels that have taught me tons, included me as part of the team, and made my life easier by having someone I could ask all my silly questions without embarrassing myself on rounds... so to those mid-levels... thank you!!!).

Yeah that inferiority complex comes out in some people. Just have to deal
 
My gym is right next to a med school/hospital system and I see at least one genius in scrubs per spin class I attend.
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Let it go, ignore her. Not worth it. You reacting just justifies her childish behavior. Its 2-3 wks more, let it blow over. If you get touchy about this, you need to get a thicker skin.
 
Lol did you bother reading enough of the thread to see the OP's update?

There's some serious learned helplessness and rationalization going on in this thread.

How does responding in a way that tries to end a behavior somehow justify that behavior more than passively accepting it does?

It seems like some people have a weird emotional attachment to the ****tier aspects of medical culture.
 
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There's some serious learned helplessness and rationalization going on in this thread.

How does responding in a way that tries to end a behavior somehow justify that behavior more than passively accepting it does?

It seems like some people have a weird emotional attachment to the ****tier aspects of medical culture.

Hahaha.

Medical culture.

The answer to your question, is insanity.

It's like opposite day, every day.
 
I am not following your logic.


There's some serious learned helplessness and rationalization going on in this thread.

How does responding in a way that tries to end a behavior somehow justify that behavior more than passively accepting it does?

It seems like some people have a weird emotional attachment to the ****tier aspects of medical culture.
 
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Glad to hear it is working out. I posted a reply but hadn't realized it was solved :/
 
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I think you're too nice, OP :) How the heck does she know your age/feel comfortable bringing up non-workplace topics?
 
The other one is a bitch

Agreed. Did not mean to make it sound like OP is at fault. The most common thing to do to current SO's of exes is be polite and interact no more than you have to, usually not at all...the next common thing is to terrorize them. You got unlucky, OP.
 
Lots of passive aggressive statements here. Pull her aside and let her know that it bothers you that she keeps bringing up your age, remind her that you may not know everything because you are just learning. She'll probably fold like a paper swan, apologize, and then you both go about your lives.


hahaha. Most of the politically careful bullies don't fold, apologize (LOL) and then carry on happy ever after. If only...

I agree with the person that said it depends upon how long you have to interact with the person. There are lots of people that I have let get away with a lot. I had someone bombard me with questions concerning my pregnancy during a job interview. There are lots of things I let slide, b/c it wasn't worth it, or so I thought. You have to weigh each situation on a case by case basis. Either way, don't lose sleep over it. I wouldn't let it bother me. Why should you let it bother you unless she is making a point to repeatedly harass you about it? The sandbox is full of kids that just can't resist throwing it in other peoples' faces. If she keeps doing it, then that's another issue. But so many bullies don't fold, much less apologize. Sadly they have to hit against the boundary wall until it hurts. Wish it weren't so, for everyone's sake, but...

What is that saying? You get what you tolerate.

Just be careful if she is some higher up's favorite. If that is the case, best bet is to go to HR first if it continues. I like to deal with people one on one; b/c that's how I would like to be treated. Some people, however, don't respond to this and only use their clout to continue with the behavior. So, in those cases, you have to bypass them and go to HR and put it in writing. Pain in the butt; but bullies get off when you don't set limits on them.
 
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