starting med school with a serious relationship?

[ABSOLUTsher07]

My boyfriend of 2 yrs recently proposed, and we're hoping to make it through med school together and get married after I finish my 4th year (my parents have issues with us getting married in the middle... I'll be going to med school straight out of college). For all you guys currently in school, what have you seen as far as serious relationships surviving? I keep telling my fiance how hard the next 4 years are going to be for us, and how stressed things will be, and how little time we'll have together even with him moving in with me, but I don't think he really understands. I have a feeling he thinks that it can't be much harder than spending 4 years of college in a relationship. Is there a book or website available for significant others of students in med school to help them understand and get an idea of what we'll be going through? Thanks!

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[chandelantern]

Actually it might not be as bad as you think. It depends how much you were involved with in undergrad and what the environment will be like at your med school. For me, undergrad was more time consuming away from my sig. other even though we lived together (i often was not home before 10-11pm and gone in the am and weekends too.) In med school I am not working or doing the million extra curriculars i had done in UG (i've just picked a couple to commit to) and I have lots of quality time with my husband. There are several of us that are married in my med school class and many more with serious sig others and they have all so far made it work too.

I'm not trying to challenge you at all, but I would question the strength of your relationship since you are obviously concerned. Your relationship should not be an added stress in your life - if it is a good relationship it should help you relieve the stress of your life! To know you can come home after a long frustrating day to someone who loves you unconditionally and believes in you even when you feel like a failure...that is something that those w/o sig others in med school have to live w/o. Good luck!

 

[weathertalk]

At least you're going to be living together!

I've seen long distance relationships that last through med school. It's possible.

 

[MrBurns10]

My boyfriend of 2 yrs recently proposed, and we're hoping to make it through med school together and get married after I finish my 4th year (my parents have issues with us getting married in the middle... I'll be going to med school straight out of college). For all you guys currently in school, what have you seen as far as serious relationships surviving? I keep telling my fiance how hard the next 4 years are going to be for us, and how stressed things will be, and how little time we'll have together even with him moving in with me, but I don't think he really understands. I have a feeling he thinks that it can't be much harder than spending 4 years of college in a relationship. Is there a book or website available for significant others of students in med school to help them understand and get an idea of what we'll be going through? Thanks!

Tons of people in my med school class, including myself, came in with long-term relationships, and almost all of them have survived up until now (and I've heard that if it can survive the first few months, you should be fine). And our first year curriculum is particularly intense. It will be stressful to you guys sometimes, but it's totally doable and, I promise, it'll make your life easier knowing that you have him there to help you along and not hundreds of miles away. good luck

 

[Dookter]

I'll chime in as a fellow classmate. Here is the answer to your question: IT ALL DEPENDS ON THE OTHER PERSON. The chances are that you'll handle medical school, even with the low points. The real question is whether your significant other can handle it. It REALLY helps if that person can make friends and have hobbies that do not involve you. If that person's life revolves around you and your presence, you're gonna have issues.

That said, I think it is certainly something you can do just fine. I am engaged, and my fiance is here with me. In the span of a few months I moved to a new city, started medical school, moved in with my fiance for the first time, etc., and it has worked out fine. It is definitely a struggle at times, though. My personal feeling is that having occasional struggles with a significant other trumps having no relationship problems and being lonely in the library all the time.

 

[MonkeyNuts!]

Helps if you are long distance. No joke. Helps your time management skills, also not enough time to spend w them is not an issue

 

[pillowhead]

My boyfriend of 2 yrs recently proposed, and we're hoping to make it through med school together and get married after I finish my 4th year (my parents have issues with us getting married in the middle... I'll be going to med school straight out of college). For all you guys currently in school, what have you seen as far as serious relationships surviving? I keep telling my fiance how hard the next 4 years are going to be for us, and how stressed things will be, and how little time we'll have together even with him moving in with me, but I don't think he really understands. I have a feeling he thinks that it can't be much harder than spending 4 years of college in a relationship. Is there a book or website available for significant others of students in med school to help them understand and get an idea of what we'll be going through? Thanks!

It's totally possible to have a a great relationship in medical school and in fact you'll find many of your classmates will be married. The thing that concerns me is your statement "my parents have issues with us getting married in the middle." If your mature enough to be getting married, you need to be doing it on your own terms, not someone else's. PLENTY of people get married during medical school--I got married over winter break of second year. Some got married in between 1st and 2nd year and a bunch at my school married right after step 1 between 2nd and 3rd years. If you and your significant other want to get married in medical school, that's your decision, not our parents'.

 

[Cirrus83]

I think you should have more faith in your relationship surviving if you want it to survive. Seriously though, if you work hard enough at it, it'll survive =)

Constantly doubting the strength of your relationship and you and your partner's ability to stay committed to it is not really great for your relationship, just so you know, lol.

I'm not saying you shouldn't prep your partner for how much work this is gonna require, but you gotta believe that he'll be able to step up to the plate.

And judging by your stats and acceptances I'm going to guess you'll actually have similar amounts of free time at med school, since you probably worked harder than a lot of other people during undergrad.

 

[Cirrus83]

It's totally possible to have a a great relationship in medical school and in fact you'll find many of your classmates will be married. The thing that concerns me is your statement "my parents have issues with us getting married in the middle." If your mature enough to be getting married, you need to be doing it on your own terms, not someone else's. PLENTY of people get married during medical school--I got married over winter break of second year. Some got married in between 1st and 2nd year and a bunch at my school married right after step 1 between 2nd and 3rd years. If you and your significant other want to get married in medical school, that's your decision, not our parents'.

While I definitely agree that you should be mature enough to be able to assert your own wishes over your parents', if her parents aren't actually against the marriage itself, but simply want the timing to work out well for her career, etc. it might not be neccessary to make it a big family issue, since it's better for the marriage if both families are supportive of it.

Now, if they were saying she shouldn't marry the guy at all, but she loved him, then I'd agree that it's not really the parents' choice. But since it sounds like her parents aren't actually against the marriage (I mean they seem to be cool with them moving in together and being engaged) I don't think it'd be neccessary to make it a family fight lol.

Of course, I'd probably try to explain to them that it might work out better being done right before clinical rotations instead of waiting until right before residency until they gave up and listened to me instead But I don't think I'd be like "screw you guys, this is my life and my marriage so I'll do it when I want".

 

[ABSOLUTsher07]

hey guys, thanks for all the support! The reason that my parents dont want us to get married during med school is they're afraid I'll get distracted from my studies and not end up getting my degree. Although obviously my fiance and I disagree with their feelings, we're really not in a financial position to go against their wishes. I'll be pretty deep in the hole with loans, and who's going to pay for the wedding?

 

[DoctorPLASTIC]

hey guys, thanks for all the support! The reason that my parents dont want us to get married during med school is they're afraid I'll get distracted from my studies and not end up getting my degree. Although obviously my fiance and I disagree with their feelings, we're really not in a financial position to go against their wishes. I'll be pretty deep in the hole with loans, and who's going to pay for the wedding?

No offense, but if you cant live on your own and survive financially then you shouldnt be getting married at all. With your parents paying for your life even after you are married they will still think they own you since they paid for it all. If your older then 18 you should be on your own !

 

[incandiferus]

Has anyone had experience with long distance relationships lasting through medical school?

Helps if you are long distance. No joke. Helps your time management skills, also not enough time to spend w them is not an issue

I have a really hard time believing that it is actually better long distance, but I can see where being busy all the time would be a good thing for the relationship.

 

[Sondra]

Long distance relationships can be beneficial. I have been in a live-in relationship with my SO for 5 and a half years. I moved 3 hours from our home in order to go to medical school. My SO was finishing a MS and had a great job, and he did come with me. We talked several times a day on the phone. He drove up on either Thursday or Friday night, and we spent most of the weekend together until he went home on Sunday night. I would study harder during the week to make sure that I was able to spend time with him each weekend. I usually asked him to stay home on the weekends before exams, but occassionally, he came and cleaned, did my laundry, went shopping and took care of meals while I studied. Was it easy for him? No. I had to reassure him several times about how much I loved and cared for him. I repeatedly explained how much time I needed to dedicate to work. It got a little annoying, but it was a small price to pay to continue to reassure him. Was it easy for me? Yes. If he wan't around, I wouldn't slack off and spend time with him when I should be studying. It motivated me to work harder in order to spend out weekends together. Weekdays also gave me a chance to bond with my classmates. I occassionally went out with them for lunch and dinner. It is perfect situation for me.

 

[epigastric]

Has anyone had experience with long distance relationships lasting through medical school?



I have a really hard time believing that it is actually better long distance, but I can see where being busy all the time would be a good thing for the relationship.

I can't dig up the studies and articles from a couple of months ago (there was a NY Times article that mentioned them around then), but they mostly say that long-distance relationships tend to discuss issues quickly and get them out of the way, causing less build-up of arguments; frequent reminders of each other's presence/care (in the strongest relationships) that people seeing each other every day tend to forget; and in general, the chance to develop interpersonal relationships that have nothing to do with your SO as well as your relationship with that SO, leading to an expanded social network.

Of course, most long-distance attempts that fail tend to explode pretty quickly, so these are really the results of people who managed to keep the long-term together. Those that aren't strong enough for the long haul figure it out quickly and you can even argue that the break-up is more than a bit easier when the people in question are 300 miles apart.

Personally, I did the distance thing for a year or two and it worked out just fine. Now that we're together again, the long hours we both put in give us enough personal time for ourselves and we can enjoy the weekends. I don't anticipate any problems in medical school.

 

[old_boy]

I don't think med school will be a problem. If he's the one, it'll work out. If it doesn't work out, he's not the one. Med school has nothing to do with it.

Here's what I mean. Us pre-meds act like med school is this all encompassing thing or something. Yes, it's busy, but it is just a part of your life and you WILL make time for what is important for you. Ambitious people are busy almost across the board when they are in their 20s: Bankers, consultants, law students/lawyers, Ph.Ds. Hell, the harderst worker I know is in architecture school, and I know a lot of med students. Plus, it's not like you won't be busy in 4 years. Residents and young docs work hard too.

So don't worry about your relationship "surviving" med school. It'll give you a headache.

Congrats on getting engaged!

 

[Critical Mass]

My boyfriend of 2 yrs recently proposed, and we're hoping to make it through med school together and get married after I finish my 4th year (my parents have issues with us getting married in the middle... I'll be going to med school straight out of college). For all you guys currently in school, what have you seen as far as serious relationships surviving? I keep telling my fiance how hard the next 4 years are going to be for us, and how stressed things will be, and how little time we'll have together even with him moving in with me, but I don't think he really understands. I have a feeling he thinks that it can't be much harder than spending 4 years of college in a relationship. Is there a book or website available for significant others of students in med school to help them understand and get an idea of what we'll be going through? Thanks!

Do you mean for all of us in med school? You should ask the folks in allo.

The answer to your question is going to be HIGHLY dependent on where you are. In my area, marriage is expected before age 23 (and first divorce by 30 lol). As such, I think that a lot of my classmates are more interested in their relationships than they are school. So yeah, their relationships are intact.

No books that I know of. It's pretty much on-the-job training for both parties.

 

[Enwysefinest]

Enjoy the 4 years of med school with your significant other.... the years of residency will be A LOT worse in terms of spending quality time with him.

 

[pseudoknot]

Is there a book or website available for significant others of students in med school to help them understand and get an idea of what we'll be going through? Thanks!

You both might want to read this:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1579470750
The Medical Marriage: Sustaining Healthy Relationships for Physicians and Their Families (Paperback)
by Wayne M. Sotile (Author), Mary O. Sotile (Author)

I haven't finished it yet, but it looks good so far.

 

[microgal]

Anyone make it work with a resident while in med school?? My boyfriend will be a PGY-3 this summer and is just finishing up 2 years in the lab (we're both in the lab so it's been really easy). This summer I go to med school and he goes back to residency. It's pretty much impossible right?

 

[Malla]

I am not sure what to tell you except that you just have to have faith in your relationship. I'm planning to do the long long distance thing (~5,000 mi) with my boyfriend of 4 years. I know that it will work.... I wouldn't still be with him If I thought that any obstacle that we cross would be too much.

So, I guess what I am saying is that if your relationship is strong enough to move on to the point of marriage, then it should be strong enough to withstand any tests, including medical school. And, if he is a resident, then you will have awesome support from someone who has been through it already!

 

[microgal]

I am not sure what to tell you except that you just have to have faith in your relationship. I'm planning to do the long long distance thing (~5,000 mi) with my boyfriend of 4 years. I know that it will work.... I wouldn't still be with him If I thought that any obstacle that we cross would be too much.

So, I guess what I am saying is that if your relationship is strong enough to move on to the point of marriage, then it should be strong enough to withstand any tests, including medical school. And, if he is a resident, then you will have awesome support from someone who has been through it already!

Thanks Malla...this is actually really true and I forget it too much. Because we are both in the same field we are pretty good at understanding how important career is to each other. When he has to work late and can't hang out I never say a word because well...work is work and patients are patients. Hopefully when we try to make it work, we'll just keep in mind that we're both focusing on our careers right now and it's for the best.

 

[old_boy]

Thanks Malla...this is actually really true and I forget it too much. Because we are both in the same field we are pretty good at understanding how important career is to each other. When he has to work late and can't hang out I never say a word because well...work is work and patients are patients. Hopefully when we try to make it work, we'll just keep in mind that we're both focusing on our careers right now and it's for the best.

You women worry about this stuff too much...

Seriously, if it was meant to be it'll happen