Support/advice regarding pregnancy and internship experience

[ehpk]

Hi Everyone,

I could really use some support and advice related to my experience on internship. I'll try to give the brief version of the story. My due date was at the very beginning of this year, within a week of when my internship was supposed to start. I spoke to my TD about it and showed her the APPIC guidelines around this issue, and she told me that UCC's were "different." I also told her how other UCC's had handled pregnancy issues related to applicants, and she said that our site was "different" because of our site's Human Resources department. I brought this up more than a few times over the summer, and her response was generally very negative, and so I went with the only option she gave me - skyping in to internship from home, less than a week after my baby was born. Since then, my TD has made several comments that felt very invalidating. Most recently, when I asked for four hours of unpaid time off for the day after Christmas (I had used three days of my vacation when my baby was airlifted to a children's hospital a few weeks earlier), she explained that I should really try to earn more vacation time by working overtime and explained that even though I could "borrow" some vacation time from the next semester, she was hesitant to let me do so.

I then set up a meeting to talk with her very directly about how unsupported I have felt by her. I literally listed out all of the times that I had felt unsupported and explained to her that I did not believe this was a good site for women because of my experiences. Two days later, she set up an appointment with me and lectured me about how this was my fault because I had not been assertive enough in the beginning (I should have been more emotionally vulnerable rather than calm and rational when I presented my arguments), as well as other reasons that seemed very personal. Also, she kept telling me how she did not deserve to be treated the way that I treated her in our first talk. I'm pretty sure that if I ever responded to my supervisee in the attacking way that she responded to me, then I would be on some sort of probation. It was bad. My immediate supervisor is supportive, but I also get the sense that he is wanting to play it safe because of the politics involved. And overall, it feels pretty unsafe. (I even feel unsafe writing this because I'm afraid she'll somehow find out).

This confrontation has all happened within the last week and so it's still pretty fresh. I know that it has the potential to settle. But right now I would really appreciate any sort of support or advice that others could offer me.

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[CheetahGirl]

ehpk,

Sorry you have to go through this ridiculous situation! This situation of your's boils my breeches, especially since your TD is a woman, for Pete's sake. I suggest you find an attorney so you can understand your rights as an employee....don't pay any sort of retainer, just go through the process of finding one that you can call if needed. Call APA's legal department (anonymously) and see if they suggest someone. They probably won't give you any names...but may suggest who you can call after you speak with them....just the process of verbalizing this situation (to uninvolved others) will be good for you to sort through your next actions if you need to take any as a consequence of this situation.

Try your best NOT to escalate the situation (meaning figure out where you are, where you need to be, and the steps you need to take between the two). I'm not on internship (yet) but I am a mother of 4 (two of which were born during doctoral training). I've felt support from others, but could also detect when others were bias (not in my favor) towards my situation.

Remember there are billions of working Moms out there and you can get through this intensity (as a new Mom & intern), but you've got to find a way to take control of the situation rather than it dictating your outcome. Know your rights. Be confident in your roles and (I wish you could say take this job & shove it, but...) find a way to make it through to the end of your internship. It seems like the politically correct, professional way of handling this situation did not work (i.e. asking your TD for a meeting and expressing your concerns), so now it seems like you'll have to ameliorate the situation by laying low, doing a stellar job as an intern (when you are there...don't work overtime & forget about accruing extra hours on site to compensate for unpaid time...just make sure you're clocking in the necessary hours for internship...but do paperwork from home if you need if you're falling behind...your Baby needs you in the evening...not four walls of a UCC at 10pm!).

You have my support. Reach out here when needed to commiserate and gain strength, but figure out how get through this situation. I don't know you personally, but I know you can...you've made it almost through doctoral training (meaning you're on internship), and you've created a life, brought it in this world and accepted the responsibility of taking care of a Butter Bean for the rest of your life (all I'm assuming by your post), please don't tell me you can't handle some DumbA... TD who has her own issues that are obviously glaring with non-support.

Again, there are a lot of assumptions in my post on your behalf...if you're doing a crappy job...try your best to improve. But you are a woman...we all want to hear you roar this one through and get 'er done (internship that is).

P.S. I hope your Sweet Pea is doing well and thriving now. This all builds character and makes us stronger Mommies (and Daddies).

 

[ehpk]

Thanks CheetahGirl, I really appreciated your post. I'm doing a stellar job at my internship, by the way, so you made a correct assumption

Sigh. This is all just so unexpected, especially because my internship supposedly values openly addressing conflict (and conflict related to diversity issues). And you're right, I think her unprofessional behavior was very much rooted in some of her own personal issues. I'm quickly learning the importance of doing a LOT of consultation both within and beyond my UCC related to this issue from here on out.

Also, thanks for reminding me that this is not every working mother's (or father's) reality. It really was getting to the point where I felt terrified of having any sort of career after this.

So you're right. I can regroup and learn what I can from this experience. Consult. Decide what actions to take given I will be there for another eight months and also consider what actions might be better taken toward the end of internship to avoid too much retaliation. I can become a stronger person and learn to better advocate for myself and my family. And I can call this a very important life lesson.

I'll keep you updated!

P.S. My baby just turned four months and she is definitely thriving. She has the most beautiful disposition

 

[erg923]

Thanks CheetahGirl, I really appreciated your post. I'm doing a stellar job at my internship, by the way, so you made a correct assumption

Sigh. This is all just so unexpected, especially because my internship supposedly values openly addressing conflict (and conflict related to diversity issues). And you're right, I think her unprofessional behavior was very much rooted in some of her own personal issues. I'm quickly learning the importance of doing a LOT of consultation both within and beyond my UCC related to this issue from here on out.

Also, thanks for reminding me that this is not every working mother's (or father's) reality. It really was getting to the point where I felt terrified of having any sort of career after this.

So you're right. I can regroup and learn what I can from this experience. Consult. Decide what actions to take given I will be there for another eight months and also consider what actions might be better taken toward the end of internship to avoid too much retaliation. I can become a stronger person and learn to better advocate for myself and my family. And I can call this a very important life lesson.

I'll keep you updated!

P.S. My baby just turned four months and she is definitely thriving. She has the most beautiful disposition

Whats did she mean by you weren't assertive enough AND that you should have been more emotionally vulnerable. Those two things seems like oxymorons. It sounded like you were very assertive and NOT emotional. Isn't that definition of professionalism?

 

[dasherva13]

Hi Everyone,

I could really use some support and advice related to my experience on internship. I'll try to give the brief version of the story. My due date was at the very beginning of this year, within a week of when my internship was supposed to start. I spoke to my TD about it and showed her the APPIC guidelines around this issue, and she told me that UCC's were "different." I also told her how other UCC's had handled pregnancy issues related to applicants, and she said that our site was "different" because of our site's Human Resources department. I brought this up more than a few times over the summer, and her response was generally very negative, and so I went with the only option she gave me - skyping in to internship from home, less than a week after my baby was born. Since then, my TD has made several comments that felt very invalidating. Most recently, when I asked for four hours of unpaid time off for the day after Christmas (I had used three days of my vacation when my baby was airlifted to a children's hospital a few weeks earlier), she explained that I should really try to earn more vacation time by working overtime and explained that even though I could "borrow" some vacation time from the next semester, she was hesitant to let me do so.

I then set up a meeting to talk with her very directly about how unsupported I have felt by her. I literally listed out all of the times that I had felt unsupported and explained to her that I did not believe this was a good site for women because of my experiences. Two days later, she set up an appointment with me and lectured me about how this was my fault because I had not been assertive enough in the beginning (I should have been more emotionally vulnerable rather than calm and rational when I presented my arguments), as well as other reasons that seemed very personal. Also, she kept telling me how she did not deserve to be treated the way that I treated her in our first talk. I'm pretty sure that if I ever responded to my supervisee in the attacking way that she responded to me, then I would be on some sort of probation. It was bad. My immediate supervisor is supportive, but I also get the sense that he is wanting to play it safe because of the politics involved. And overall, it feels pretty unsafe. (I even feel unsafe writing this because I'm afraid she'll somehow find out).

This confrontation has all happened within the last week and so it's still pretty fresh. I know that it has the potential to settle. But right now I would really appreciate any sort of support or advice that others could offer me.

I don't think there's much to add to Cheetahgirl's excellent advice except to chime in as another mom/psychologist (my youngest was 4 months old when I started my program). You *can* do this, and you are *not* alone. And do feel free to reach out for more support whenever you need it!

 

[ehpk]

To answer your question erg923, I think what she wanted me to do was to emphatically break down and cry, and let her know that I felt as though I could not cope with everything. My assertiveness needed to be about me and my shortcomings as a person, not any sort of feedback directed toward her or the internship.

Thanks for your support dasherva13! All of this support makes each day a little easier. Every day I go to my internship I want to cry (and quit), and so I really can't let everyone know enough how much I appreciate these posts right now.

 

[erg923]

To answer your question erg923, I think what she wanted me to do was to emphatically break down and cry, and let her know that I felt as though I could not cope with everything. My assertiveness needed to be about me and my shortcomings as a person, not any sort of feedback directed toward her or the internship.

Thanks for your support dasherva13! All of this support makes each day a little easier. Every day I go to my internship I want to cry (and quit), and so I really can't let everyone know enough how much I appreciate these posts right now.

As someone who has supervised in the past, that is exact OPPOSITE way I, or any supervsior I know, would want to see a student handle a personal situation. Obviously, we want to see step that you are PROACTIVE (before things go down hill), confident, and assertive. This is a widley accepted model of professionalism/professional handling of tough situations, so I am a little confused where she is coming from with that.

 

[jdkadk]

Hi Ehpk. First of all, I want to say congratulations on your child's birth! Becoming a parent is an amazing experience so please try to keep this all in perspective and remember what/who is most important to you. Unfortunately, our personal lives and our careers are sometimes on a very similar trajectory, time-wise, and we cannot always predict or control for others' reactions as to when we decide to have children. It's a very personal decision and no one deserves to be treated differently because of this decision.

While I am sure that having a baby around the first week of internship is not all that conveneient for your program/director, they have to adjust and that is what human resource departments are for (to help you and your TD figure out what you/they can and cannot do). I would hope that your TD would be more understanding and I also do not understand the comment about wanting you to be more emotional, though your reframe made a lot of sense re: wanting you to break down because then it would be more about you rather than her.

My husband and I attempted to plan out the birth of our first child. The goal was to have her immediately following internship. I tend to be a very punctual and well-organized individual and I thought I had everything all timed out. We would start trying one month early because the chances were that it would take longer than one month to get pregnant and I didn't want to wait too long after internship to have her because then there would be a larger gap in my resume that I would need to explain. Anyhow, to make a long story short, I got pregnant right away and was due 6 weeks before the end of my internship.

I was really worried about how to approach the TD, as I was very worried about how the TD, staff, and the other interns would perceive me. However, I would quickly counter any thought about how uncomfortable the conversations with my TD might be with a thought about how freaking excited I was to be pregnant and starting our family. I ended up working every holiday, many Saturdays, and saving up every vacation day, sick day, personal day, professional leave day, etc. I pushed myself really hard and we made it work. I took a very very short leave (weeks), finished my internship. and then took 6 months off after finishing my intership to bond with my daughter. Overall, I was in a supportive environment and I am greatful for that.

Please know that you will get through your internship. Work as hard as you can. Do the best that you can to juggle your responsibilities and be a competent outstanding intern. But, don't forget that your little one needs you too and stuff happens when you have kids. Unfortunately, we cannot control the perceptions/feelings of others. Other's reaction was typically positive in my experience, but I certainly did get an awkward feeling from some others (the "I would never do that, why would you" feeling).

Good luck. Being a working mom is the ultimate challenge but equally rewarding. I love my career and worked my tail off to get here, but there are days when I want to go home and crawl under the covers with my girl!

 

[docma]

Hang in there. This is not how it is supposed to work and you have managed a lot of the primary difficulty already it seems. I'd just like to add that APPIC has a "problem resolution" resource that is available to both interns and training faculty so if you need additional consultation you might seek that out if you haven't already http://www.appic.org/Problem-Consultation
And I assume you've looked at their resource here: http://www.appic.org/Portals/0/downloads/APPIC_GUIDANCE_FOR_PREGNANCY_AND_FAMILY_CARE_ISSUES.pdf

 

[ehpk]

Thanks docma, that resource is really helpful (and I had not seen it yet). To give everyone an update, I asked for a third person to be present in the next meeting with the TD and me, and that request was granted. Although In my perception, it seemed more of a formality to smooth things over (one of the first ground rules was that no "blame" was to be assigned, because there are "multiple realities and truths"). I won't even get into the other ridiculous pieces of it, but there were plenty of them. Sigh. I'm at a point where I recognize the futility of asking anyone here to admit wrongdoing on their part. So it's a matter of re-evaluating my options (whether to pursue an informal/formal complaint, to just focus on what I've learned about this experience regarding future careers, etc). Somehow it's feeling better. Again, I can't thank you all enough for your support on this forum.