The Secondary Essays You Wish You Could Write

[chevaliermalfet]

Having gone through a good number of secondaries by now, has anyone else out there felt the dire need to revolt against the prompts in a shameless display of angst and sarcasm, wishing you could respond to an essay on an important decision in your life with a tale about choosing between going commando to school or wearing that pair of natty boxers? (and ofcourse learning from that choice that jeans and commando chafe beyond all description?) Well, even if you don't feel that impulse, I thought starting a thread of the secondary essays you wish you could write, but could never get away with submitting would be a good way to vent some frusturation and get a good laugh at the same time. Below is my contribution to this project:


Prompt: Describe a difficult or challenging situation in your life, and what you learned from the experience.

A burning pain shot from my hand down my arm. Surprised and in great pain, I pulled my hand back only to discover to my dismay the hamster still clinging to my thumb -with his teeth. Frantically, I waved my hand over my head, until Herman finally released his death grip upon my favorite digit, sending him flying in a beautiful ballistic arc right into the wall. I fell to the floor cradling my hand as blood flowed through the yellow dish gloves my mother had assured me were hamster-proof, vowing to myself to never belive a word my mother said ever again. This was a difficult experience for me, because I had always thought Herman had a special place in his hamster heart for me, but experiencing first-hand (har har) his vile betrayal turned my ten-year old world upon its head. Moreover, I learned that day that sometimes, just because your mother says the damned thing is hamster proof, doesn't make it so. I learned from this experience several valuble lessons, foremost among them that yellow dish-washing gloves are not as hamster-proof as one might hope. Additionally, I learned that hamsters are evil, soul-less creatures who would just as soon eat the food out of your hand as eat your hand. This experience will make me an excellent doctor, as now I will be able to understand the poor hamster-gnawed children that come before me. My medical treatment will thus be even more effective, as I will have an intimate understanding of the situation, allowing me to be less of a walking Merck Manual and more of a humane person, helping bandage not only the wounded fingers, but the wounded souls of my patients.

ANYway. Hopefully somoene out there enjoyed that. Please post your own; they're both good for a laugh, and a chance to put off doing the real secondaries for a few minutes.

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[Veshy]

Good idea. I'll try to contribute after getting through this Northwestern deadline.

 

[MonkeyNuts!]

"Tell us about a moral or ethical dilemma you had:"

I rounded the corner, heart racing. My mouse finger was shaking with anticipation of the kill, yet those on the keyboard fluidly manuevered me behind a giant crate. I peeked out the side. What I saw froze the blood in my veins, and caught my breath halfway out my throat.

A fellow teammate was engaged in a knife battle with a member of the terrorist team.

I was immediately faced with the greatest ethical and moral decision of my entire life. Do I strafe, and go for the kill, possibly killing my teammate in the effort, and respond with "hahah cry more nub" when he complains of a "tk"? Or do I let him take his hard earned kill, made sweeter by the fact that a knife battle carries much more cyberprestige than shooting a gun - a gun like the mp5 Navy that shook with fear in my hands?

Not a day goes by where I regret the decision I made, if I could go back and do it all over again I would have taken the responsible action and released my hold on my mouse. Instead, I am haunted every night by the sound of my rifle releasing rounds of death into the air, the pixels of smoke that emanated from my weapon, the LOL and ROFL texts from both the counterterrorist and terrorist teams, and finally my teammate's last words over Ventrilo before his corpse hit the ground of de_dust:

"YOU F**KING ****... SOMEONE BAN THAT MOTHERF**KER."

Friendly fire sucks.

 

[Quix]

Having gone through a good number of secondaries by now, has anyone else out there felt the dire need to revolt against the prompts in a shameless display of angst and sarcasm, wishing you could respond to an essay on an important decision in your life with a tale about choosing between going commando to school or wearing that pair of natty boxers? (and ofcourse learning from that choice that jeans and commando chafe beyond all description?) Well, even if you don't feel that impulse, I thought starting a thread of the secondary essays you wish you could write, but could never get away with submitting would be a good way to vent some frusturation and get a good laugh at the same time. Below is my contribution to this project:


Prompt: Describe a difficult or challenging situation in your life, and what you learned from the experience.

A burning pain shot from my hand down my arm. Surprised and in great pain, I pulled my hand back only to discover to my dismay the hamster still clinging to my thumb -with his teeth. Frantically, I waved my hand over my head, until Herman finally released his death grip upon my favorite digit, sending him flying in a beautiful ballistic arc right into the wall. I fell to the floor cradling my hand as blood flowed through the yellow dish gloves my mother had assured me were hamster-proof, vowing to myself to never belive a word my mother said ever again. This was a difficult experience for me, because I had always thought Herman had a special place in his hamster heart for me, but experiencing first-hand (har har) his vile betrayal turned my ten-year old world upon its head. Moreover, I learned that day that sometimes, just because your mother says the damned thing is hamster proof, doesn't make it so. I learned from this experience several valuble lessons, foremost among them that yellow dish-washing gloves are not as hamster-proof as one might hope. Additionally, I learned that hamsters are evil, soul-less creatures who would just as soon eat the food out of your hand as eat your hand. This experience will make me an excellent doctor, as now I will be able to understand the poor hamster-gnawed children that come before me. My medical treatment will thus be even more effective, as I will have an intimate understanding of the situation, allowing me to be less of a walking Merck Manual and more of a humane person, helping bandage not only the wounded fingers, but the wounded souls of my patients.

ANYway. Hopefully somoene out there enjoyed that. Please post your own; they're both good for a laugh, and a chance to put off doing the real secondaries for a few minutes.

You know, I had this very experience. The lesson I learned was to buy the Kevlar gloves through the Chemistry department. They *are* hamster-proof. And it feels like you're wearing chain-mail.

 

[Quix]

Or, my personal favorite:

Explain why, in 500 words or less, you chose to apply to our medical school:

"Because your admission stats are low enough that I think I can get in."

There. 14 words.

 

[breck]

Or, my personal favorite:

Explain why, in 500 words or less, you chose to apply to our medical school:

"Because your admission stats are low enough that I think I can get in."

There. 14 words.

How about:
"Because it's really fuc--ng hard to get into medical school and this will increase my chances!!"
or
"What's the difference? You are still going to cash my check right?"
or
"I really enjoy bending over for medical schools, and also felt as though I would like to make a $100 donation to your school out of kindness."
or
"I learned from SDN that this is the only secondary question you ask. Since I'm so damn lazy I figured this makes your school a great place to apply. P.S. Disregard the fact that in spite of this one question I am still submitting it 11 weeks after I received it."
or
"You're askin' me?? Why don't you write me an essay describing why you chose to invite me to submit a secondary. I'm tired of kissing the ass of med-school adcoms. It's your turn to suck up. I expect a letter within 2 weeks praising my MCAT, GPA, LOR's, and extracurriculars. I will also need a picture of all of your faculty members and your school, but not b/c I'm going to judge you based on looks. It's just so I can make sure I'm at the right school when you give me my interview. Be sure to set up my hotel accomodations, plane tickets, spending cash, and transportation to and from the interview and the airport. Better yet just get me a limo with a chauffeur. Oh and one more thing, I only fly first class and my girlfriend will be traveling with me as well so please make the necessary adjustments."

I could go on forever. This was fun

 

[lm1120]

.

 

[Shogun00]

"Tell us about a moral or ethical dilemma you had:"

I rounded the corner, heart racing. My mouse finger was shaking with anticipation of the kill, yet those on the keyboard fluidly manuevered me behind a giant crate. I peeked out the side. What I saw froze the blood in my veins, and caught my breath halfway out my throat.

A fellow teammate was engaged in a knife battle with a member of the terrorist team.

I was immediately faced with the greatest ethical and moral decision of my entire life. Do I strafe, and go for the kill, possibly killing my teammate in the effort, and respond with "hahah cry more nub" when he complains of a "tk"? Or do I let him take his hard earned kill, made sweeter by the fact that a knife battle carries much more cyberprestige than shooting a gun - a gun like the mp5 Navy that shook with fear in my hands?

Not a day goes by where I regret the decision I made, if I could go back and do it all over again I would have taken the responsible action and released my hold on my mouse. Instead, I am haunted every night by the sound of my rifle releasing rounds of death into the air, the pixels of smoke that emanated from my weapon, the LOL and ROFL texts from both the counterterrorist and terrorist teams, and finally my teammate's last words over Ventrilo before his corpse hit the ground of de_dust:

"YOU F**KING ****... SOMEONE BAN THAT MOTHERF**KER."

Friendly fire sucks.

that was beautiful lol

 

[Prateek]

Prompt: Describe a moment in your life where you were in over your head. How did you deal with it? (*NOTE* this is an actual prompt for McMaster Medicine..)

The sun rose, my girlfriend and I walked through the beach on an early Sunday morning. I walked with her to get away from all the troubles...work, school, family...at the beach I felt at one with myself. But this day was different: I heard a bellowing noise over the waves crashing against the rocks. I looked over to see it and there it was...a large whale frantically swimming through the waves calling out for help. I knew I had to do something, but I had no idea what...

I started to walk into the water...terrified. But I pressed on, and as I made my way past the breakers, a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but at that moment...I was a marine biologist!

The sea was angry that day, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out, and suddenly...the great beast appeared before me. He was ten stories high if he was a foot! As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish (mammal).

From out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him! Face to face with the blowhole! I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction!

 

[Lucidity]

Prompt: Describe a moment in your life where you were in over your head. How did you deal with it? (*NOTE* this is an actual prompt for McMaster Medicine..)

The sun rose, my girlfriend and I walked through the beach on an early Sunday morning. I walked with her to get away from all the troubles...work, school, family...at the beach I felt at one with myself. But this day was different: I heard a bellowing noise over the waves crashing against the rocks. I looked over to see it and there it was...a large whale frantically swimming through the waves calling out for help. I knew I had to do something, but I had no idea what...

I started to walk into the water...terrified. But I pressed on, and as I made my way past the breakers, a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but at that moment...I was a marine biologist!

The sea was angry that day, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out, and suddenly...the great beast appeared before me. He was ten stories high if he was a foot! As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish (mammal).

From out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him! Face to face with the blowhole! I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction!

haha, well played...made my night!

 

[soccrwon]

I love this (old) thread so much!

I found it by googling "secondary essays are killing my soul". Anyone from the 2012 cycle want to chime in with something witty?

 

[CodeBlu]

Or, my personal favorite:

Explain why, in 500 words or less, you chose to apply to our medical school:

"Because your admission stats are low enough that I think I can get in."

There. 14 words.

I lol'ed

 

[babypp2]

The sun rose, my girlfriend and I walked through the beach on an early Sunday morning.

 

[MediCynical]

It'd be hilarious to get a non-medical friend to fill out an AMCAS/secondaries with the sole intent of trolling admissions committees. Although you'd obviously never get an interview, the mere knowledge of adcoms sitting around a table reading your ridiculous secondaries would be satisfaction enough

 

[CodeBlu]

It'd be hilarious to get a non-medical friend to fill out an AMCAS/secondaries with the sole intent of trolling admissions committees. Although you'd obviously never get an interview, the mere knowledge of adcoms sitting around a table reading your ridiculous secondaries would be satisfaction enough

I'd love it if someone went ape-**** on an adcom on the phone.

Like let's prank call the adcom. It'd be soooo funny. But so wrong.

 

[doctorshateher]

What was the most significant or impactful event in your life thus far? How has it impacted you?


...My birth. Because, you know...I'm alive.

 

[bonoboMD]

...finishing...this...secondary!!!

 

[jkm07]

"Tell us about a moral or ethical dilemma you had:"

I rounded the corner, heart racing. My mouse finger was shaking with anticipation of the kill, yet those on the keyboard fluidly manuevered me behind a giant crate. I peeked out the side. What I saw froze the blood in my veins, and caught my breath halfway out my throat.

A fellow teammate was engaged in a knife battle with a member of the terrorist team.

I was immediately faced with the greatest ethical and moral decision of my entire life. Do I strafe, and go for the kill, possibly killing my teammate in the effort, and respond with "hahah cry more nub" when he complains of a "tk"? Or do I let him take his hard earned kill, made sweeter by the fact that a knife battle carries much more cyberprestige than shooting a gun - a gun like the mp5 Navy that shook with fear in my hands?

Not a day goes by where I regret the decision I made, if I could go back and do it all over again I would have taken the responsible action and released my hold on my mouse. Instead, I am haunted every night by the sound of my rifle releasing rounds of death into the air, the pixels of smoke that emanated from my weapon, the LOL and ROFL texts from both the counterterrorist and terrorist teams, and finally my teammate's last words over Ventrilo before his corpse hit the ground of de_dust:

"YOU F**KING ****... SOMEONE BAN THAT MOTHERF**KER."

Friendly fire sucks.

Ah, Counter-Strike... those were the days.

 

[bonoboMD]

I love this (old) thread so much!

I found it by googling "secondary essays are killing my soul". Anyone from the 2012 cycle want to chime in with something witty?

i love that you googled that. I found myself googling "secondary essays are making me borderline alcoholic" ....

 

[Camy99]

What was the most significant or impactful event in your life thus far? How has it impacted you?


...My birth. Because, you know...I'm alive.

hahahahah best one so far!! And it's true too!