The things our patients tell us

[FrustratedFamDoc]

You all know what I'm talking about. The things that make you shake your head, laugh and carry you through the other parts of the day when you find yourself wanting to be anywhere but the exam room.

I'll start.

I enjoy small talk, especially when couples come together. How long been together, how'd y'all meet, who made the first move, did your parents like him/her, etc. The older couples really get a kick out of it because it usually brings them back to better days. It's really fun stuff and lightens the mood. Sure beats talking about double digit A1Cs and why that's bad.

A little over a year ago, had a really nice mid 40s man come to see me, wife in tow. These 2 were 2 peas in a pod. Could really feel the good energy in the room. So I asked, how'd y'all meet. Wife spoke up. "we've been together 10 years and been clean for 10 years now." I congratulated them. She bold proclaimed that 10 years ago, "my old man sold me to him for drug money." ... and then they both started laughing.

... ya just can't make some things up.

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[northernpsy]

Well...I guess it's nice when a story like that has a happy ending.

 

[hsmooth]

Elderly couple in 80s, husband has upper back pain. Musculoskeletal. Recommended some stretches, NSAIDs if needed, massage therapy. Wife chimes in, "We have a really good vibrator we love to use!"
.
.
.
.
I sat there not know what to say....which is when she proceeds to explain to me that this vibrator was some sort of self massage tool.
They were totally oblivious.

 

[FrustratedFamDoc]

Today's line of the day:

"I'm wheezing so bad, I can hardly even smoke a cigarette."

 

[FrustratedFamDoc]

" I love you. You may not want it, but in my will, you're going to get a horse"

Yeah, I don't know either.

 

[EMDOC17]

Obviously not FM but I love seeing the older couple come to my ED and have a few minutes to chat. Recently to the older female "what brings you in tonight?" The husband answers "the fine dining. I heard you have great turkey sandwiches." Apparently their daughter was an ED doc and had told them all about our world famous turkey sandwiches. This couple really made my shift.

 

[jm192]

I had a 70 something year old patient roll off several problems he was having.

He paused and kind of scanned the room, lowered his volume and said he woke up with an erection this morning. I said Mr. Jones are you complaining or bragging, he laughed and said at my age I reckon I'm bragging.

 

[deleted87716]

An oldie, but a goodie.

Me: "So, are you sexually active?"

Female patient: "Yes."

Me: "What are you doing for contraception?"

Female patient: "Nothing."

Me: "So, you want to get pregnant?"

Female patient: "No."

Me:

 

[yeasports]

Well I think I posted this somewhere before but in residency: mid-older male gentlemen with companion states multiple injuries from many years ago and then stops to and say: doc I suffer from noncompliance. I suffer from it so bad. His companion said doc he does indeed suffer from the noncompliance and that is the truth. Many docs and specialists have explained his problems and treatments but he chooses noncompliance. I talk for seems like forever about therapy. Both look blank and say no we want disabality for noncompliance.
Sorry for grammar and punctuation on phone

 

[deleted87716]

Talking about sex with teenagers is always good for the occasional laugh.

Me: "So, are you sexually active?"

Teenage boy (looking sheepish): "Um...yes."

Me: (launches into safe sex talk - babies, STDs, condoms, etc.)

Teenage boy (first looking confused, then a lightbulb goes on): "Oh, you mean with somebody else!"

 

[FrustratedFamDoc]

Me in residency:

"are you sexually active?"

response from one of my more colorful patients: "well honey, I don't just lay there!"

One of my co-residents walked in to a room where the patient was flailing around madly in the room (out pt clinic). He asked what he was doing to have the patient reply "I'm having a seizure!!"

It's never boring, folks.

 

[deleted87716]

You can't make this stuff up.

 

[smq123]

You can't make this stuff up.

If one more patient tells me, "I don't need a mammogram/pap/colonoscopy/other screening test because I feel fine," I might thump them on the forehead.

A patient told me this week that she doesn't want a mammogram because if she found out that she had breast cancer, she wouldn't do anything. One of her friends underwent treatment for breast cancer (surgery, chemo, radiation) and the patient told me, "The treatment is so grueling! It's so awful! There's no way that having cancer is as painful as the treatment is!"

So we had a fun discussion about how painful pathological fractures can be....

 

[deleted87716]

It's crazy. They'll say something along the lines of, "I don't want to be screened for cancer because I wouldn't do anything, anyway." SRSLY...? You wouldn't have a polypectomy to remove an adenoma, or a lumpectomy to remove an early breast CA...? You'd rather just f*cking die a horrible, painful death...? Is that what you're saying...? Yeah, I pretty much put it that way (without the f-bomb...mostly).

As a result, my screening uptake is actually pretty good.

 

[FrustratedFamDoc]

Very frustrating sometimes, for sure. I personally love the "if it's my time" arguments. I then ask them if they would still drive around with the oil light on in their car since it's probably just their engine's time too.

Had a 71 y/o woman scream penis yesterday.

Again, very pleasant new patient. Has had the same psychiatrist since 1990 on just a wiff of depakote and lexapro. Perhaps a bit on the manic (and loud) side, but functioning well. I asked about cancer history in the family and she blurted out, loudly, penis (her dad)!! After we both stopped laughing, we had a mutual understanding that she would be unaffected by this.

 

[oscardagrouch]

I saw a patient recently who came in for muscle pain. I walked into the room, and she is sitting on the exam table, holding a can of Glade air freshener spray (Clean Linen scent). Ummmm.....okay... So after we discuss her muscle pain, I inquired about what is the air freshener for. In her thick Caribbean accent she said " every time I break wind, it smells like a sewer, mon, I can't stand it".

She walks around spraying this stuff into the air every time she passes gas. Grocery store, church, doctor's office. You name it, she's sprayed it.

 

[VA Hopeful Dr]

If one more patient tells me, "I don't need a mammogram/pap/colonoscopy/other screening test because I feel fine," I might thump them on the forehead.

A patient told me this week that she doesn't want a mammogram because if she found out that she had breast cancer, she wouldn't do anything. One of her friends underwent treatment for breast cancer (surgery, chemo, radiation) and the patient told me, "The treatment is so grueling! It's so awful! There's no way that having cancer is as painful as the treatment is!"

So we had a fun discussion about how painful pathological fractures can be....

My wife last week admitted a 45 year old women with an enormous fungating breast mass - we're talking a couple of baseballs put together. The central part was liquified from necrosis.

Apparently she entrusted her care to a Pediatrician in Myrtle Beach who was giving her coffee enemas and colloidal silver. She was told that the liquefying part was the cancer being killed off (technically true, but not really).

I show pictures of stuff like that, or talk about my mother who's had breast cancer 3 times and while treatment did suck she now gets to enjoy her grandchildren...

 

[deleted87716]

...Glade air freshener spray (Clean Linen scent)...She walks around spraying this stuff into the air every time she passes gas.

So, when she farts and sprays the clean linen scent, wouldn't it just smell like she **** the bed...?

 

[JustPlainBill]

My wife last week admitted a 45 year old women with an enormous fungating breast mass - we're talking a couple of baseballs put together. The central part was liquified from necrosis.

Apparently she entrusted her care to a Pediatrician in Myrtle Beach who was giving her coffee enemas and colloidal silver. She was told that the liquefying part was the cancer being killed off (technically true, but not really).

I show pictures of stuff like that, or talk about my mother who's had breast cancer 3 times and while treatment did suck she now gets to enjoy her grandchildren...

Is there a way to link this post into the other thread about NP/ND/MD/DO?

 

[deleted87716]

My wife last week admitted a 45 year old women with an enormous fungating breast mass - we're talking a couple of baseballs put together. The central part was liquified from necrosis.

Apparently she entrusted her care to a Pediatrician in Myrtle Beach who was giving her coffee enemas and colloidal silver. She was told that the liquefying part was the cancer being killed off (technically true, but not really).

Since you said Florida, there's a good chance the doctor is bare (no malpractice insurance, personal assets protected), or else she (or her estate) would likely have a winnable malpractice case. She'll have to settle for a Darwin Award.

 

[VA Hopeful Dr]

Since you said Florida, there's a good chance the doctor is bare (no malpractice insurance, personal assets protected), or else she (or her estate) would likely have a winnable malpractice case. She'll have to settle for a Darwin Award.

Myrtle Beach is in South Carolina...

 

[deleted87716]

Myrtle Beach is in South Carolina...

Whoopsie. For some reason, it registered in my brain as Miami Beach when I first saw it. Smack me. Hard.

On the flip side, she should sue that guy's ass off.

 

[absolutdokta]

a couple of weeks ago during an ED admit consult for pain control, my absolute favorite consult

"I know my body!! i know what i need!! i need dilaudid!!

i still always have to work hard to keep a straight face when they say that to me.

An oldie, but a goodie.

Me: "So, are you sexually active?"

Female patient: "Yes."

Me: "What are you doing for contraception?"

Female patient: "Nothing."

Me: "So, you want to get pregnant?"

Female patient: "No."

Me:

that is ALWAYS my first and favorite questions to ask when they tell me they are sexually active and not using contraception. i just love the confused look they get when i ask it too. Like, "duh, of course i'm not trying to get pregnant"

 

[TableMD]

At the VA (of course)

Me: so you have chest pain with sexual intercouse....how many times has this happened?

The Guy: well once with whoever I am with.

Me: And how many partners have you had?

The guy: Uh about 12 or so in the last two months.

Me: really?

The guy: I was on a sex vacation.


Also at the VA - Rounds
- adult video playing...
Nurse: Colonel, hands where I can see them!

 

[cabinbuilder]

Had a grandmother come into urgent care for STD check after she had an affair with a Elvis Impersonator.