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To those who are Married or have a SO

Discussion in 'Podiatric Residents & Physicians' started by DexterMorganSK, Apr 1, 2018.

  1. DexterMorganSK

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    Just a first year, but this question has been on my mind for some time now since I'm a non-trad.

    To those who are married or have a SO, how are you handling your resident/work life with your personal life? Especially, if you have children?

    When is an ideal year to get married while in school? Can you have a healthy relationship as that of marriage during residency due to the hectic schedule?

    My current goal is to settle down after the 2nd year (due to my age), i.e., after part 1.

    Is this a good step or should I wait until after finishing the 4th year but before residency?


    Appreciate any feedback.
     
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  3. Weirdy

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    Got married right before school started- no children. Might not answer your question, so sorry if this is redundant.

    Took us a semester to get in the groove but worked out great.
    Set apart time like you would for any hobby to spend with your SO. Make sure they realize any time outside of that you are busting ass.
    Whatever downtime you get, spend it with them. I value my time with my SO and my emotional well being before I step into class.
    If things aren't 100% at home, they need to be fixed so I can fully concentrate on school when I step back in.

    Wife works full time and it keeps her busy. We've picked a few things we do together no matter how hectic our schedule is: Church, tennis lessons, a date during easy weeks.

    Housework is split into things I like to do versus what she likes to do: dishes + laundry versus her vacuuming/cleaning.

    Would also appreciate feedback regarding something else: Wife really wants to start a small business (like a cafe) during residency. Is this a smart idea or stupid?

    Would really appreciate advice from residents/attendings.
     
  4. mk04447

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    Lol. I'm answering your question honestly, if you get married in school she gets half when you get divorced. Wait, and you have a fighting chance. Having said this, the more appropriate response is, focus on school, there's time for that garbage. Might sound rough, but if you read between the lines you'll be well served. However, if you are anything like my kid, you won't hear a word I said. Good luck.
     
  5. dr.phoot

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    congrats, potnah! :cool:
     
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  6. GypsyHummus

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    Won’t the spouse get half your stuff regardless of when you married? I thought it was better to get divorced when your making nothing so there is nothing to take.

    I agree though about waiting if you’re a guy. There is plenty of time to date after school.


     
  7. mk04447

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    No, marriage is like any other investment, your interest is determined by how early and long you participate. Professional school is one exception, she'll argue you wouldn't have been able to attend and do well without her help. On the other hand, if you voluntarily support her and she isn't required to contribute (or contributes very little) to the household income, you've essentially brought in a stray and you'll be supporting her for life. Worse, if she doesn't develop some sort of appreciable skill you'll be on the hook. Ok, I concede you're pretty much screwed either way, but you are way better off the shorter the bond is in effect.
     
  8. DexterMorganSK

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    Thanks for the warning, good luck to you and your kid.

    Hoping a response from a current resident/attending. Thanks.
     
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  9. mk04447

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    Ha, best part of being young is knowing best.

    I appreciate it.
     
  10. Sweatshirt

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    Got engaged and married in pod school. It’s not that hard if you’re good at managing your time. PM me for more details but if you find someone and want to marry them do it!
     
  11. SLCpod

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    If you've found the one, tie the knot. There's never a convenient time to get married. Set a date and get it done. Same thing about having kids. There's never a convenient time but TOTALLY worth it.
     
  12. DexterMorganSK

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    Appreciate the response.

    Can you please share the hours you are required to work as a resident and if they stay similar for the three-years duration?
    And if it is possible, it will be great to know a typical day for you as a resident. Thanks!
     
  13. SLCpod

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    Left at 0645. Got home 30 minutes ago (2345). The life of a resident. It's what happens when you're on call. Every program is different but you want to be busy because that means you're learning and gaining experience for when you're on your own.

    The price of success is paid in advance.
     
  14. de Ribas

    de Ribas Nobel Prize Recipient
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    Do you have 24-36 hour shifts during residency in podiatry?
     
  15. SLCpod

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    Call is different at every program. When you have the pager you may have slow days or busy days.
     
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  16. ldsrmdude

    ldsrmdude Back in the saddle again
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    I agree with what has been said, there is never a perfect time to get married so don't wait for the perfect time. Your spouse will need to be understanding of your commitments outside the home, whether that is during school, residency, or practice. A spouse that is jealous of your time when you aren't at home can cause a lot of friction and stress. I got married a year or two before school started and started school with a 6 month old kid. I chose to study at home instead of at the library. That worked for me and allowed me to at least be in my home when my family was around essentially every day. That didn't work for some who needed to study in the library and didn't feel they could study at home. My wife had to adjust when residency started and I didn't see my kids for sometimes a few days at a time. And now in practice, I still have days where I don't see my kids, but it's more sporadic and I am usually able to be home when I need to and make it my kids baseball practices or games or piano recitals, etc.

    Hours varied for me but average during years 1-2 were probably 6a-6p with 2 weekends on call a month and 1 weekday a week. Year 3 was more like 6:30a-5p with 1 weekend every other month and 1 weekday every other week.
    Typical day, roughly, was be there at 6:00 to pre-round, actual rounds at 6:30, cases start at 7:00, either in surgery or seeing floor patients, taking call, in clinic until 5, then sign out or late add-on cases.
    I did when I was on internal medicine. We did a 24-hour shift every 4th day. When I was on the podiatry service and on call, would get called at all hours of the night, but it was usually interrupted and I had maybe 2 or 3 nights all residency when I didn't sleep in my own bed while being on the podiatry service.
     
  17. DexterMorganSK

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  18. de Ribas

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    Thank you so much for that post.
     
  19. GypsyHummus

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    Thank you for the insight! Are most Podiatrists schedules like this?

    Also, I had a question regarding the Topic of Marrying a Podiatrist as a Podiatrist. I know that Physician coupling is common, and of the people that I know, alot of them have relatively happy marriages. Would a Pod to Pod marriage be able to work out/are they good coupling?

    I remember reading somewhere that the top professions that have the lowest rate of divorce were Podiatrists and Optometrists. So, Maybe marry an OD if you are a DPM?

     
    #18 GypsyHummus, Apr 12, 2018
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2018
  20. Weirdy

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    Mileage varies.

    Wife is non-healthcare field and I love it.
    Having someone to bring you down a notch and carry a separate perspective on things helps.
    Not that I mind being able to analyze someone's gait or discuss an xray with my partner but, correlation does not prove causation.
     
  21. ldsrmdude

    ldsrmdude Back in the saddle again
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    I would guess that most residency schedules are somewhat similar to what I posted with some outliers for sure. Some work less and have little inpatient rounding and some work longer hours with tons of add-on cases, but I’d guess my schedule as a resident wasn’t too far off normal, whatever that means.
    I knew a married couple (both Podiatry residents as well) and it seemed to work for them. I haven’t kept in touch with them now that they’re attendings, but they certainly wouldn’t be the first couple to be in practice together and make a marriage work.
     
  22. NITRAS

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    I'm an internist, not podiatrist, but I did get married half way through MS2 year.

    I have a couple things I'd advise.
    1st, get really good pre-marriage counseling. Make sure you have money, inlaws, children, religion, and politics. Get some of those basic marriage fights in early. We didn't do this, but I wish we had.

    My schedule, where we lived was often not in my control. My wife was very understanding, but you do need to plan things ahead, update them with calls/texts. Be very deliberate about spending time together. My schedule on wards was 60-70 hours a week with q4 call. I had the occasional 90 hour week, and had 24 hour call twice a month. Turn off the TV, the phone. So, plan ahead, and make the time count. Realize that **** happens and you may not make many things.

    Children makes this more complicated. Day-cares rarely run before 6am or after 6pm, are usually closed weekends and holidays. Guess what, they are going to get sick, and you can't go to daycare when you are sick. You are going to get sick. We had our first child the last few months of residency, and I was never more sick than that first year with him, way more than residency. My wife has to pick up the slack. She is a dietitian who works for a three letter agency.

    I'm going to say something unpopular here. When you aren't married, don't act married. This will get you into all kinds of relational and financial heartache. Mixing your finances, buying houses together, puts you into a general partnership with no real good exit strategy.

    When you are married, act married. We have our money, our goals, our children. I make more than my wife, but it is our money, our retirement, our bank account. Our marriage works best when I am self-less, and focus on serving my wife. (i'm not saying I do a great job, but really this things I need to work on most).

    I think it would be really hard if your spouse is also in medicine. My office mate (also a hospitalist) who works 1.0 FTE days and 0.5 FTE nights, and covers a local SNF/LTAC wife is an intern in IM. They have a child almost 1 year, and they have scheduled their life out. It works, but it is hard.

    BTW, marriage is awesome, children are amazing but they do require work.
     
  23. Certified Corsair

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    Do you mind sharing how long you were together prior to marriage?
     
  24. GypsyHummus

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    Do you wish you would have waited to have kids until after residency? What about marriage? I would imagine its hard to tell someone that they have to put their life on hold for a doctor to get done with school.

    What is your opinion on Doctor to Doctor couplings? Then they know what you are going through. Id imagine there isnt much time for anything else though.

     
  25. NITRAS

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    Dated about 14 months prior to getting engaged, 8 month engagement. I would say that 11 months of the dating was serious. I knew I wanted to marry her really within a few months, honestly.

    I disagree with perpetual engagement. Get married, connect your lives. Make choices. I heard a great saying once. When you tell someone yes, you are by default saying no to other things. We actually had a few months of not living together while married, but that was a short term plan.

    We had our first child with only a few months of residency left, so not like we had him for long with not an attending. I would have children when God says have children. Children will make you feel you don't have control over your life
    I was initially planning to become a fellow after a couple years of attending, and we would have made it work. My daughter is almost 7 months old, and she literally is a different person every couple weeks.

    It really helps if one of you can take off at a moments notice, but people do it all the time. I would encourage an office based specialty for at least one of you. You can do it, but it takes more money and planning. Most of my physician couple friends, one ends up working part time, or they have an awesome nanny/live in parents.
     
  26. Weirdy

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    Not to who you're talking to but:

    Dated 6 years.
    Did not co-habitate, engaged a few months prior to wedding.
     
  27. Certified Corsair

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    Good to know! I'm in a similar boat but working on year 4. I know she's the one but most likely going to wait until we move in together a few months before spending the money on that overvalued rock.
     
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  28. Weirdy

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    Good to know you guys have gotten past the puppy stage.
    Living together will take compromises for both of you.
    I have habits that drive her up the wall around the house, and vice versa.
    As long as you guys fight through it and still make up at the end of the day (with compromise), you will be fine.

    Keep us posted.
     
  29. footpainhealer

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    Wow. It seems like quite a few of the people that I've seen on the pod forums for the past year or 2 are married and have kids or are planning for kids.

    How old are you guys? I thought people in their 20's-30's are still supposed to be figuring **** out and dating and hooking up, etc. hahaha

    Y'all are worried about time for kids and wives and I'm over here worried about time for tinder. lmao
     
  30. de Ribas

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    I am mid 20s or so. Married. 3 kids.
     
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  31. footpainhealer

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    THREE!! I wish you the best. haha
    Is it like a religious or cultural thing?

    I'm almost 30 and the only parents or married people I know from college and high school are the single moms who slept around in high school/college, and a couple of my mormon friends. Maybe it's a geographical phenomena too. It seems like alot of you who say you're married and have kids come from rural America and not bigger cities like NYC, LA or Chicago.
     
  32. de Ribas

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    Both.

    It is actually true about rural vs urban thing. I have seen that trend too that people in the rural get married and have kids earlier. I have lived in California until High School. During HS and early college I have seen that difference. People in the rural midwest get married earlier. Even without religious or cultural factors.
     
  33. Weirdy

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    25.

    Parents were very strict Catholics. She wanted to come along, wouldn't take no for an answer.

    We weren't planning to get married til after graduating.

    Worked out way better. She's supporting me a lot right now financially.
     
  34. GypsyHummus

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    I need a sugar momma. Would make life much easier.
     
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  35. smurfeyD

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    26, married a few years and have a 6 month old. Never been happier
     
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  36. de Ribas

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    My third one is 4 months old. Life is awesome.
     
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  37. ScienceSailor

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    I could use some feedback on this as well, I'm only pre-pod (applying this cycle) but as a nontrad who is already married (no kids) , and female. I'm not worried about my relationship surviving school and residency, but if I wait the additional 7 or so years to go through school and residency to have children, I will be at an age where biologically possible, it would be much more difficult. Does anyone know of women who have given birth while in school or during residency? My husband and I have talked about it, and would be willing to forgo kids if necessary, but given our ages would prefer to have them younger than post residency. Childcare and such I'm not worried about (awesomely supportive family), but the physical toll that pregnancy and post-natal recovery takes on a person. Any insights would be greatly appreciated!
     
  38. GypsyHummus

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    Have you thought about having kids first and then going to pod school once they turn around 7? That way they will be in school when you go to Pod school. Lots of people on the forums say that they had kids in residency and it ended great. I wouldnt make that bet, alot of personality is shaped in the formative years, especially from birth to age 6.

    The only time I think that having kids while going to school full time would be doable is if you had grandparents in the picture. From the literature that I have read, children really need both a mom and a dad in their lives (or a grandma/grandpa), and raising kids is hard work. I think I remember reading that every year past 35, it gets harder on the female to have kids, and once they hit 40, its essentially a no go.

     
  39. ScienceSailor

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    I'm lucky enough to be able to have grandparents in the picture and willing to help out with everything, but delaying Pod school isn't something I'm really willing to consider at this point, Hubs and I have talked that since neither of us is hugely tied to the idea of biological children we would prefer me in school now, and if that meant kids for us was adopting or fostering later were ok with that. I'm just not certain if physically I could be pregnant during residency or during the clinical timeframe :/
     
  40. GypsyHummus

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    Gotcha. Yeah, kids really need a mother and father figure, and its just hard to do that while you are studying and in residency. Which in turn is why having Grandparents helps out a lot, and are a much better option then daycare. I never understood the idea of having kids and then not seeing them.

    You see it with people now who have grown up in this "daycare" generation, they cant function in the real world.

     
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  41. Sweatshirt

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    It's definitely possible to have kids while in school. Two girls that I know of at our school got pregnant last year and both already had their kids. Just gotta work on your time management, and it helps to have a good support system around you. If you're good at that then go make some babies
     
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  42. Podstar

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    I see students with their kids in the cafeteria and game room all the time at Kent, so it definitely can be done. I also was in a group with a mother that dropped out because she could not handle her infant and school, which leads me to believe it is entirely dependent on the person/family. My advice would be to pick a school that streams lectures and does not require attendance in the case that you do decide to have kids during school.
     
  43. CappnNono

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    I know of someone at my school who strategically planned her pregnancy and gave birth durin our 3 werk long summer break then went right back into school. Another person gave birth and i think she took a semester off then came back. Either way it is doable!

    I was wondering if there usually is a break between graduation and beginning residency? I think that would be a great time to get married if there is something like that.
     
  44. tropicalstudent

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    Also a general question for people who are married. How have you managed moving cities for pod school and residency and how it affected their significant others?
     
  45. Weirdy

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    Wife has always been good with finding jobs.

    Went through a temp agency and was full time within 6 months. She works hard, is easy to get along with, and the people in that job specifically liked her a lot.

    Its very hard for her to have a support structure and make new friends from scratch. She talks to her family every day and this really helps. Being newly married, one of her biggest fears was having to leave her family to follow me across the US. You need to tell her that family is still family, they are not going anywhere and they still care about her. They are always there for her. Emphasize that she is not going to Mars to colonize a new frontier. Yes, it will be lonely at times, but her family is always a phone call or video chat away. Find solutions.

    My number 2 priority when picking a program was whether or not my wife would A) be comfortable B) be able to find a job C) like the vicinity the program is in. This may vary among other applicants, but I value my wife and our relationship. Things need to be rock solid going in so I can focus on school.

    Regarding moving logistics, again I am very fortunate that my wife is better than I am with finances and planning. She did 99% of the apartment hunting. I just helped pack our stuff, pets, and drove the however many days it took. You need to be able to agree on a budget and partition finances, house responsibilities, and so on. Both of you need to realize 2 things: You as a student need to set aside time for her. School is not an excuse to live as a single man. She as the wife of a student needs to be comfortable with you being away for long periods of time. She will not get the time or attention she had before. If the both of you can accept this and realize it is about giving- not taking- you will be fine.

    There are pros and cons, but I love where I'm at- especially when I had many relatives in the medical field tell me I would fail out or end up divorced if I got married before school. We are nearing our 1 year anniversary and honestly I would not have been able to live this comfortably or get this far without her help.

    Residency may be a different animal but I feel like my wife will know by then what it will take.
     
  46. DexterMorganSK

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    Does your wife have a single sister or a cousin? ;):D
     
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  47. tropicalstudent

    Joined:
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    Well thank you for the encouragement. My wife has a job that might let her do remote work and transfer to certain cities that thankfully have pod schools. However, we are happy were we are and I see her conflict to leaving our current city to start again. The nearest pod school is 1.5 to 2 hours a day and I am thinking I might just rent a room and go back and forth on the weekends instead of making her move. We have no kids and no house yet so I know we can. Ill just have to wait and see.
     
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  48. de Ribas

    de Ribas Nobel Prize Recipient
    Gold Donor Classifieds Approved

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    We have been married for around 5 years. We are moving in a month to pod school. But my wife doesnt currently work, and probably wont work anytime soon. So this part was easy. Otherwise, we are both fine of moving to a different state. I have got tremendous help and support from her during my last 2 years of undergrad and 2 years of post-bacc. I wouldn't do it without her. Having kids takes away a lot of stress too.

    During undergrad, my wife and I were both working until last semester when we had our first child. During post bacc in between our second and third, she was working second shifts. I came at about 5:30 PM and she went to work. It wasn't easy, but it worked well. I think that this background prepared us well for med school life. We learned how we can set time aside for each other and kids while being busy with school, work and traveling.



    One of my friends (MD), did his residency in his mid 40s while having 6 children. He did pretty well.
     
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  49. Weirdy

    2+ Year Member

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    Being only an hour or two away is honestly a cake walk, especially if you have no kids.

    I am not trying to downplay your hardship, but trust me when I say a lot of us would kill to be in your situation- no kids, 1.5-2 hours away, wife who is able to work.

    You two can definitely make it work. And yes, consider moving out at least for the week. That commute would waste a lot of time. Some can and are willing to do it. I personally cannot commute like that.
     
  50. NatCh

    10+ Year Member

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    My wife and I lived apart for about a year during residency. We've been together over 24 years now and in hindsight that time apart was the blink of an eye.
     
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  51. msjojo

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    My boyfriend wants us to get married but he is going away to pod school probably next year and I'm just trying to figure out how things work. There is one school 3.5 hours away and one school 5.5 hours away. I probably can't move because I have children from a previous marriage. I work full time and could probably find a job anywhere but I don't think I take the kids away from their father. So I'm debating whether I should wait out the 4-7 years for the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. How hard is it to find a residency that is close to home (Indiana) at the end of school? Most of these stories are encouraging :) It's such a big decision.
     

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